[EternalPen]

Synopsis: Eichev Nehru, a professional Archaeologist from India, is invited to help in a dig that is being held inside of a city that was discovered only last year. What he and his two new students, Bogen and William, do not know is that they will find something there no one was expecting to see, and the publication of its existence could change the view on the debate of Creationism vs. Evolution forever. Pursued by an unknown group of people that would rather keep this information buried, Eichev and his two students must flee for its publication, and their lives.

NOTE: Though I am not sure where I stand in the debate of Evolution against Christianity, I am being paid $100 to write this by my older brother, and that is a LOT of money to a 16 year old! This story is PRO CREATIONISM, if you are offended by this, please do not whine to me! I'm doing this for the cash and the writing experience!

***PART 1***

The rough wheels of the black jeep bounced around on the dirt road. The driver, Eichev Nehru, kept his eyes ahead of himself, scanning the possible paths for the one that would take him to the dig he was supposed to be at an hour ago. He wasn’t as worried about being late for the dig as much as he was being late for his new student. He had yet to know this person’s name and already he had made a bad first impression.

His eyes darted around every corner he passed as he frantically searched for, what he began to wonder, was a turn that he had already missed. The curves and turns were professionally hidden by the scenery Eichev continued to ignore, and, having had enough, he finally stopped to look around.

He stepped out of his vehicle and onto the ground. His boots crushed the small chunks of dirt beneath him, and as he took a few steps forward, the noise of the small pebbles grinding together under the weight of his body began to sound loud enough to drown out any noise as it echoed through the empty dwellings that surrounded him and his vehicle. He took in his surroundings.

He stood alone in a town that was built in the crevice of a large canyon. The buildings were centuries old and highly resembled the Pueblo Indians’ adobe style dwellings, the way the houses were connected to the canyon wall, had no opening and closing doors, had simple square holes for windows, and were made completely from the stone that came from the canyons, but they were also different. These dwellings had makeshift plumbing, closet rooms that held some type of stone-chiseled shoes, but most importantly, a library building that held well-preserved books.

The books were in a never-before-seen language, there was a cemetery that had the answers to when this place was built, and through all the other amazing discoveries this wonderful new place had to offer, the group that found it last year began to DIG instead of explore.

That’s why he was here; to dig.

Eichev had requested the top two anthropology graduates from Mercyhurst Archaeological Institute to join him on this dig as their first hands-on experience in the field. He was going to teach them what he knew and have one of them take his place, becoming his ‘successor’. He was meeting one of them today, and the other tomorrow. So he would be here to dig, teach, and if at all possible, learn.

He shut the door to his Jeep and the noise seemed to echo endlessly. He walked around for a while and, as he did, his archaeological nature began to take over. He stepped into the nearest house and started to admire the craftsmanship.

He slipped on a pair of white, elastic gloves from his pocket, as not to ruin anything, and let his hand run lightly over the wall as he followed it into the next room. Pure wonder and excitement coursed through his veins and fueled his imagination. This city could have been the pinnacle of civilization at its time…

A car’s engine purred lightly and the noise began to grow louder by the second. He began to take a few steps outside to greet whomever it may be that drove up until a thought crossed his mind.

Who was it? No one was supposed to be around here, save him and the dig team, and the dig team had probably given up on the idea of his showing up. He was a little more than famous, but he wouldn’t miss this for the world. Whoever drove up could be anyone from his new student to a thief.

Deciding to exercise a bit of prudence, he decided to wait around and see who it was. Eichev ducked underneath one of the windows and peeked out until the noise of the engine more roared than purred. Then it shut off.

He raised his head and peeked out of the window. He couldn’t see a vehicle anywhere. He heard footsteps echoing through the village as his own did when he first arrived, but he could not tell how far away they were, only that they were… close to his vehicle.
Whoever it was knew he was here.

“Hello?” A voice, unfamiliar to Eichev, echoed through the hollow houses. “Eichev, is that you?”

Eichev did not remember the voice, and thought it may be someone he knew from the lack of formalities.

“Dr. Eichev, are you there?” the voice called again. There were the formalities, which ruled out friends. Calling out was not a good way to hide though, and Eichev assumed this man was not dangerous. Then again, he had been wrong more times than he could remember.

He stood upright and looked, nearly leaned, out of the window. He heard the man’s footsteps again, but they suddenly stopped. The man had either paused or-

Entered the house.

Eichev stepped quickly, but quietly, to the back room and saw a large, rectangular, stone table. There was a short lip that held out over all four sides of the table, and he crouched under one of them. The man’s footsteps were quiet now, but could be heard. He was in the house, and stepping lightly enough for it to have been intentional.

Still crouched, Eichev peeked around the stone structure. A pair of expensive black shoes moved into view and stood firmly on the ground less than five feet from the place he had chosen to hide. He ducked back around the corner and waited a moment before looking around again. The man had taken a few more steps and stopped suddenly. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a sleek, black cell phone. He flipped it open and began talking.

“Yes, I know.” The man spoke into the phone in a harsh tone, “I’m looking for him now. His jeep was parked outside one of the abodes. When I find him I’ll bring him down there using any means necessary, but I think he’ll cooperate when he sees what I have for him.”

The man stopped talking and listened for a while, and Eichev made his move. Still crouched, he sidled against the wall to his right until he was behind the man. He looked around quickly and saw a chunk of rock had fallen from one of the corners of the table years ago. He picked it up and stood.

He was thinking of whacking the man in the head with the rock, but decided no matter how bad ‘any means necessary’ sounded, he couldn’t simply knock the man out. That is, until he saw a gun handle sticking out of the man’s right pocket.

He took a few steps closer, and raised the rock above his head. Someone behind him grabbed the rock out of his hands and dropped it to the floor where it exploded into smaller chunks of debris. Before he had a chance to turn around, the man twisted both of Eichev’s arms behind his back and held them there.

“Gotcha!” Eichev’s captor yelled as he held Eichev still, “thought you could steal something old and dusty to sell on ebay, did you? Or do you know the real worth of this stuff? Or are you just here to add someone famous to a list of people you’ve probably already killed?”

The man Eichev was about to subdue suddenly turned around at all the noise and looked him in the face.

“Eichev?” he asked.

“Horace?”

[Ryankia]

I am definitely enjoying the basis so far.

A couple of things I noticed throughout. Be careful with your tense changes. You have several of them throughout, and they can be confusing for the reader

Don't be afraid to mix up your sentences, in the fact you start them too often with a pronoun. Mix it up, as "He" and "The" get really boring after awhile.

COMMAS! You really went over board with them and use them more often and is really necessary. I want you to read through this piece and really clean it up overall. Reword sentences if you have to.

[AdamThomas]

Hey,

Good stuff. I can't believe you're 16! I would have rather died than read a book when I was 16.

Here's some suggestions. Most of them could be due to our differences in style. I'm a fan of short declarative sentences, and I noticed some of your sentences run on.

1. The curves and turns were professionally hidden by the scenery Eichev continued to ignore, and, having had enough, he finally stopped to look around.

-You could have a period after "ignore" and start a new sentence with "Having." And you could delete "finally."

2. His boots crushed the small chunks of dirt beneath him, and as he took a few steps forward, the noise of the small pebbles grinding together under the weight of his body began to sound loud enough to drown out any noise as it echoed through the empty dwellings that surrounded him and his vehicle.

-This could be four sentences:
End the first starts after "...beneath him."
The second sentence is "He took a few steps forward."
The third starts "The noise of the small pebbles..."
The fourth starts "It echoded through the empty dwellings..."

3. There were the formalities, which ruled out friends.

-I'm nitpicking , but this coudl be "The formatlites ruled out friends." In my opinion, the shorter the better.

4. The man’s footsteps were quiet now, but could be heard

-"softer" instead of "quiet"

5. He looked around quickly and saw a chunk of rock had fallen from one of the corners of the table years ago. He picked it up and stood.

I would establish the missing table corner earlier. Perhaps when you first introduce the table as a prop. That will help diminish the "oh, that's convenient" factor when he notices a chunck of table in his time of need.

[EternalPen]

Originally Posted by Delusional

COMMAS! You really went over board with them and use them more often and is really necessary. I want you to read through this piece and really clean it up overall. Reword sentences if you have to.

O_O Oops!! I'll try and fix that! I'm not feeling so great (I think I caught the flu. =P) so I may not be bale to do anything productive for the week, but I'll try! ^_^

Originally Posted by AdamThomas

Good stuff. I can't believe you're 16! I would have rather died than read a book when I was 16.

GASP!
Books = Life.

Originally Posted by AdamThomas

I would establish the missing table corner earlier. Perhaps when you first introduce the table as a prop. That will help diminish the "oh, that's convenient" factor when he notices a chunck of table in his time of need.

LOL! You're right! I never noticed that! I didn't think about it, because (ZOMG SPOILERS) he wasn't really in big trouble, so I figured that it didn't matter. Now that I see what you're talking about, you're right! >_<

[Razor]

Pretty good first chapter. It is more of a setup chapter for the action to come, leaving us with a cliffhanger.

Couple things. I was reading this, but it never really "hooked" me. The last few paragraphs begin tickling my interest with your cliffhanger. Don't get me wrong, I've read books were it was slow at the beginning and I ended up absolutely loving it by the end, but it was rough those first few chapters before the story took off. If that's the route you want to take, fine by me. Just make sure you don't dilly-dally too long before giving the reader something to sink their teeth into.

Secondly, your synopsis is a little long. Make it like two or three sentences max. The smaller the better. Now if you are writing this for your brother and its for a writing assignment, maybe it has to be longer than that. Okay, understand, but I'd leave the longer synopsis for the teacher.

One more thing, is he driving through this village the whole time? What I mean is, is he driving to a dig site or is he lost inside of a huge dig site? I wasn't sure on that.

A quick breakdown,

Really liked the first two paragraphs, although like I said, I'm not completely sure where he is, but that can be after the first two. (Also, "rough wheels" bugged me a little. Wheels can be rough, but maybe "hard rubber wheels?")

His boots crushed the small chunks of dirt beneath him, and as he took a few steps forward, the noise of the small pebbles grinding together under the weight of his body began to sound loud enough to drown out any noise as it echoed through the empty dwellings that surrounded him and his vehicle.

That's a really long sentence with only one comma. I would suggest breaking this up into at least two sentences.

The buildings were centuries old and highly resembled the Pueblo Indians’ adobe style dwellings

"highly" and "style" aren't absolutely needed. You might even be able to knock off "dwellings." It will get the same message across without them. I do the same thing whenever I write. I put in unneeded words.

Evnlight told me this once and I think it describes what I do, anyways. He told me: "It feels like you are trying to hold the readers hand, and treat them like a child. It's okay to let the reader fill in gaps themselves, and not every reader has to see exactly the same thing as you."

The buildings were centuries old and highly resembled the Pueblo Indians’ adobe style dwellings, the way the houses were connected to the canyon wall, had no opening and closing doors, had simple square holes for windows, and were made completely from the stone that came from the canyons, but they were also different.

Another big sentence. I'd just slap a period after "adobe style dwellings." "They were like stone extensions of the canyon wall with open doorways and square holes for windows. The rock blocks came from the canyon itself, yet somehow they were different."

The books were in a never-before-seen language, there was a cemetery that had the answers to when this place was built, and through all the other amazing discoveries this wonderful new place had to offer, the group that found it last year began to DIG instead of explore.

Maybe reorder the words for a smoother read: language never-seen-before.

I would suggest trying something like 'despite all the amazing discoveries this wonderful place.' "through, other, new" I think can be replaced or taken out.

and have one of them take his place, becoming his ‘successor’

You say the same thing twice just two different ways. Take one out.

He slipped on a pair of white, elastic gloves from his pocket, as not to ruin anything,

We figured this out from the gloves. It kind of says the same thing.

I'll leave the rest to you, as I'm sure you are tired of me nit-picking already. IF you want I'll go through the rest, but I'd understand if you don't want me too.

One more thing:

Deciding to exercise a bit of prudence, he decided to wait around and see who it was.

Decide is used twice. Nothing major.

This really is a good story. I'm interested in the next chapter to see where you take this. Nice work.

[EternalPen]

WOW.

Thanks for the great input! I'll take all of this into mind!