[EternalPen]

Category: Action/Adventure

Synopsis: Trey is diagnosed with a deadly virus that is believed to have wiped out the Roanoke colony back in the 1500's. The virus was dubbed "The Croatoan" and there is but one cure. The cure only has a small chance of success but, as Trey is about to find out, the Indian roots of the cure go farther back than even the doctors knew. He must face his fears in his own mind to survive, and ultimately cure, the virus.


***A Cure And Its Virus***

Trey slammed the door to his Ford as he stepped out. He was returning from a doctor’s appointment he wasn’t too excited about in the first place. His doctor has suggested that, if there was anything he wanted to do before he died, he had better do it now.

Thinking about it now, that was actually an understatement.

There was a strange new strain of a cancerous virus that had only been seen once before. The only time it had ever been seen before was a violent eruption of the airborne death-incubator was way back in the 1500’s. The inhabitants of the Roanoke colony called the virus “The Croatoan”.

There had been about 75 reports of the virus since last year, and each one ended in death about one week after the symptoms had shown. The big-shots, at first, tried to hide this. It had wiped out an entire colony in one week and was showing signs of returning. It was spreading through South Carolina and Trey was simply another victim.

After the President’s wife had died of this virus, he decided it was best to release this into the public’s small grasp of knowledge. This was only one nightmare of thousands the president had to deal with, and after having this particular nightmare black out his spouse, he decided best to warn the public.

The virus was now transferred from host to host by blood transfer. Kissing, getting blood on a cut, anything that made part of them become a part of you, it spread the virus. Trey was to be quarantined until death and his body hidden, but since this was public news, he was only to be isolated until death.

Thing was, Trey got lucky. They couldn’t find the virus. They found it and he knew he had it, but it wasn’t the same thing. His couldn’t be spread. Only kept.

For this, the doctor’s had a small chance of a cure. Not a cure for the virus itself, but a cure for Trey. Every patient that took this developed cure died from it before the virus had its chance to work, and the patients that were like Trey…

Well, there was only one other and he died, too.

He talked for a long time about this to the doctor, and had it explained to him that, even if the one person that took it died, it didn’t mean it doesn’t work. It had only been tested on one patient; it could be a fifty-fifty chance.

He had made the decision to try it. It could end his life before his time, but he would die either way so he decided to try. They had given him a thermos he had yet to open, and they told him to drink EVERY thing in it.

The doctors told Trey this was made from ancient Indian cures for “The Croatoan”. The Indians described it as a type of Spirit Walk. You drink it, you fight the virus with your physical body, you wake up cured. They had no idea what would happen when he drank the liquid they had concocted, but this was Trey’s last hope…

He walked into the apartment complex where he stayed and took the stairs to the second floor. He entered his room, number 13. How appropriate.

Not bothering to remove his shoes or shirt, he walked straight to his bed and, more or less, shut down as he fell face-first onto his mattress.

Then he cried.

He cried for a few hours, reaching for the phone every now-and-again but never actually calling his parents. He knew they would want to know, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He couldn’t tell them what would happen, he didn’t have it in him to tell his parents that, within a week, his bones would deteriorate to dust in his body, and the his body’s decomposition rate would be speed up to about a week-and-a-half, as the virus was carnivorous, before everything was gone. No trace of his existence.

It took him a while to calm himself down, and when he thought about life, he began to cry again.
He never got married, he never had kids of his own, he hadn’t even been on a date before, and had never kissed a woman. He had never completely finished his education, he never got to open his own coffee shop, and never finished the novel he was working on. He had never been published, he had never done anything important, and he had yet to truly live. He was too young to die.

The hands on his clock spun in a circle faster than he ever remembered them going. The day had already gone by and night was creeping up behind him. The stars began to dot the sky, one by one, slowly claiming their territory until all traces of the sun were gone. The clouds were missing that night and every star that was up could be seen with little to no effort. They were brighter than Trey had ever remembered them being and he simply stared in wonder for an hour before making his decision.

He unscrewed the lid to the thermos and popped off the built-in cup. He tossed it to the side and started to guzzle the whole thing in one shot. It was hotter than he thought it would be, and it scalded his tongue, his lips, and his throat. He could feel it burning his insides, but it was a good pain. It was a pain that might heal.

As the thick, chunky, and yellowed liquid made its way out of the thermos and into his mouth, Trey began to taste it. It slid over his tongue and each individual taste bud quivered in pure agony. He had to concentrate and strain hard to keep his gag reflex from making him spit it all on the carpet. When Trey drank something he didn’t like, he usually said it tasted like shit, but this new flavor that washed through his mouth took his saying all too literally. He truly wondered if that was one of the ingredients.

When it was gone he growled and threw the thermos hard, hitting his mirror with it. A thousand tiny lines shot up, down, left, right, and all over the mirror. They crossed each other with no regard for the expensive piece of reflective glass. An instantaneous spider-web pattern delved into the mirror, looking for its spider.

Trey shook his head violently and clenched his fists tight. The taste stayed in his mouth for a good ten minutes. When it was gone, he was panting and sweating from head-to-toe from flopping around like a dead fish. The taste not only smelled bad, but began to burn his entire being as it chilled cold enough to kill. Yet, he didn’t die.

In pain and gasping for breath, Trey felt his life slipping away. His senses dulled and the burning, the taste, the smell, it all disappeared. Everything began to go black and he was gone.

His body twitched, twice, on the carpet.

[EternalPen]

WHOAH. This made it to the ADVANCE writings section?
I'm am EXTREMELY flattered! Thank you!

[Peppy]

To tell you the truth, I think you needed to do a little more research, or put up some more creativity. If the doctor gave him a "thedrink" and he had a fifty-fifty chance of living, wouldn't he be kept in the hospital? I think they'd call it a treatment. (I watch too many House episodes.)

The story seems interesting. It's something I'm willing to read from start to finish. A virus plaguing man--reminds me of AIDS or something, but yours is more sinister. In a week or so. Whoa!

Hmmmmmmmm... One more thing, you should add a link to the next chapter. Saves me the trouble of finding it(though it's not hard).

[EternalPen]

Ahh....

Yeah, not much for real-world stuff. As you'll soon find out, what happens in the real world doesn't matter. The first and final chapter are the only ones that even HAVE the real world in it.
>_<

Though part two (The Blood Tower) which I'm working on has a bit more real-world stuff in it. Which makes me nervous. I'm not good at real life stuffs. >_<

[RENA HANDS]

I believe you are contradicting yourself in saying there is no cure, then stating ‘the cure has a small chance of success…’ (There may be no ‘cure,’ but mean(s) to suppress the virus.) You are using ‘cure’ too much.

Why not write…Chapter 1 under this heading A Virus and Cure. ?

I think…He was returning home from a doctor’s appointment (that) he wasn’t too excited about in the first place. ?

You are jumping from the doctor’s appointment to the Croatoan Virus? That’s too fast!

How did the colony its survivors identify this virus?

I think…the President had to deal with,

You are using ‘virus’ too much. You are being too direct and leaving out much detail. You are not giving the reader (or at least me) time to absorb this story. I can’t even get a clear mental image of all these rushed events.

How many doctor(s) are involved here…For this, the doctor(s) had a small chance of a cure. ?

Your virus situation confuses me; you have the virus (that I understand) but you said there was no cure and now you are saying that the identifiable that was not before has a remedy?

What about stating that the virus is carnivorous first, second its deterioration would be fast leaving nothing but a pile of calcium bones? You are rushing your actions too much!

You have a spacing error here…he began to cry again. Is it all one paragraph or are you starting something new?

Too many NEVERs when you could rewrite, chronologically his life’s failures.

I think you mean scald his tongue. The ‘ed’ is not warranted.

Again, you are stating it’s a thermos rather show use it’s a thermos.

You have a very interesting idea here, but the delivery is poor. You are jumping from (my guess) past to present I almost lost the connection. Throw in some details. Do some research of this medical affliction also its possible cure. You are going to show more of the history of this 'virus?' I will rate 2/5!

[Jimbalaya]

Hi, EP. Interesting start you have here. Taking on a story that has several chapters is a feat in itself, so you get kudos for that. I know how hard it is, got a couple going myself.

I like the idea of this so far, bringing the Roanoke mystery into this was a spark of genius. Dean Koontz did the same thing in his novel 'Phantoms'. It is an interesting subject anyway. I see much potential in this. Hope you're ready for a full blown review on this chapter. I will be getting to the following chapters as time allows.

One of the bigger problems I see in this story is repetition. I'll point out what I mean as I go through it.

His doctor has suggested that...

'has' is the wrong tense but you could probably just omit it and it would be fine, you don't really need it there and it would save you from puttin a 'had' in there.

There was a strange new strain of a cancerous virus that had only been seen once before. The only time it had ever been seen before...

Here is some of that repetition I was talking about. You state what you wanted in the first sentence, then say the same thing in a different way in the second. You already established that the virus had been seen once before so you don't need to say it agian.

There had been about 75 reports of the virus since last year, and each one ended in death about one week after the symptoms had shown. The big-shots, at first, tried to hide this. It had wiped out an entire colony in one week and was showing...

Agin you have repetiton, you sated the time the virus took to kill in the first sentence, no need to say it again.

After the President’s wife had died of this virus, he decided it was best to release this into the public’s small grasp of knowledge. This was only one nightmare of thousands the president had to deal with, and after having this particular nightmare black out his spouse, he decided best to warn the public.

Repetition again. You say the exact same thing in different words.

Kissing, getting blood on a cut, anything that made part of them become a part of you, it spread the virus.

You don't need the word 'it' in this sentence, it only serves to clutter it up.

Trey was to be quarantined until death and his body hidden, but since this was public news, he was only to be isolated until death.

This sentence didn't make a whole lot of sense. First he was to be quarantined until death, then he was to be isolated. Isn't this the same thing? Also, why would the public knowledg of the virus change anything?

They couldn’t find the virus. They found it and he knew he had it, but it wasn’t the same thing.

Another confusing couple of sentences. First they couldn't find the virus, then they could? I think you need a little clarification inserted here. The two sentences contradict themselves.

For this, the doctor’s had a small chance of a cure. Not a cure for the virus itself, but a cure for Trey.

Not sure what this means. Wouldn't they cure the virus when they cured Trey? You're basically saying that they may beable to cure him but not cure him all at the same time. Clarify.

He had made the decision to try it. It could end his life before his time, but he would die either way so he decided to try.

More repetition here. Again you say the same thing with different wording.

They had given him a thermos he had yet to open, and they told him to drink EVERY thing in it.

Make this 'EVERYTHING' and you have a deal.

He cried for a few hours, reaching for the phone every now-and-again but never actually calling his parents. He knew they would want to know, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He couldn’t tell them what would happen, he didn’t have it in him to tell his parents that, within a week,...

Repetitions again. You've already established 'parents' in the first sentence, no need to use the word again, you could insert 'them' or something. Also the repetition about telling them.

No trace of his existence.

I think you should tie this sentence into the one before it and insert the word 'Leaving' before the word 'No'. It would read a little better and elimenate a fragmented sentence.

As the thick, chunky, and yellowed liquid...

You could omit 'and' and drop the 'ed' off of 'yellowed' and it would read a bit more smooth.

When Trey drank something he didn’t like, he usually said it tasted like shit, but this new flavor that washed through his mouth took his saying all too literally. He truly wondered if that was one of the ingredients.

Yes, I laughed pretty hard at that image. Nice one there!

A thousand tiny lines shot up, down, left, right, and all over the mirror. They crossed each other with no regard for the expensive piece of reflective glass. An instantaneous spider-web pattern delved into the mirror, looking for its spider.

I don't think you need the 'up, down, left, right, and all over the mirror.' in this paragraph. Something like 'The glass of the mirror fragmented in a tight spider web design, splitting one image into a thousand smaller ones.' Or something like that would eliminate the clutter.

Over all I'm pleased with this first chapter, you have a great idea going here. Go through and clean up some of the chunky sentences and get rid of that repetition and I think you've got a winner. Looking forward to the next one!