[EternalPen]

Synopsis: Trey is diagnosed with a deadly virus that is believed to have wiped out the Roanoak colony back in the 1500's. The virus was dubbed "The Croatoan" and there is but one cure. The cure only has a small chance of success but, as Trey is about to find out, the Indian roots of the cure go farther back than even the doctors knew. He must face his fears in his own mind to survive, and ultimately cure, the virus.


NOTE: This Chapter was a bit long, so I split it into two parts.

***Wallace And His Balloons***

Trey awoke, still on the floor, but not in his apartment. He looked around frantically, wondering where he was, but nothing was familiar to him. He stood up and walked around a bit but the only thing he found was three doors, side-by-side. Other than the three doors he was simply in a box. It was just four red brick walls, a purple, Saxony carpeted floor and white, acoustic tile ceiling.

The three doors were made of brownish-red cherry wood and had polished and shining brass doorknobs. Each one also had an inscribed picture in the center and a golden plaque hanging from a string and a nail at the top. Each plaque had a name and they read, from left to right; Wallace, Tracy and the last one was so old it was indecipherable.

The first door had an inscribed picture of a large ship sailing the ocean from above the waves. Three VERY large balloons kept it suspended above the waters and two fans, also very large, kept it moving. Trey thought it was a silly idea that a ship should float OVER the water, even if it was possible, but the drawing explained why. A shadow, twice as long as the ship, was below the surface of the waters, following the ship where it went. Four very sharp looking fins sliced through the surface and diced the waves as they came along, and these fins, or razors, protruded from the shadow that was underneath the flying ship.

The second door‘s inscribed picture was far different from the first. It showed a small space craft floating through the stars. There was nothing on the picture to show that it was being propelled forward, it simply looked as if it were abandoned. Each star around the ship was a simple hole poked into the door.

The third and final door had no comprehensible picture. There used to be a picture, as far as Trey could tell, but it was covered in a sticky red liquid. Trey ran his finger across it and it had the texture of sap. He sniffed it and fell back. His eyes widened as he quickly wiped his finger on the carpet, staining it, too. The inscribed picture had been covered by, what Trey was sure of, was coagulated blood. He looked left and right and all around him. Someone was here a while ago, since it wasn’t fresh, but could still be here. A murderer, rapist, thief or some other kind of monster had been here and killed someone!

Trey took a moment to calm down. They couldn’t still be here. He had no weapon, had no idea where he was, but was sure that if the blood wasn’t fresh then the maniac that put it there was long gone.

He took a few deep breaths and decided the best course of action would be to leave. He tried the door in the middle, not wanting to try the door a psychopath had marked, and it opened. He peeked in, but it looked like it was simply a closet. There was metal and tools on the ground, and a window in the distance. Outside the window were… stars.

Trey figured he had better go in here and break the window open so he could get out, but one thing stopped him. A voice.

“Hello?!” an obviously feminine voice rang out.

Trey thought for a moment about calling back out to her, but decided against it. There were a few well known female killers. He backed up and shut the door quietly and tried the first door. It opened and he dashed through it, closing it tight behind him. When he turned around to run, he was blinded.

The sun was bright and he accidentally looked straight into it. He blinked a few times and his vision began to return. He thought it stupid of himself to do something like that when he needed to get out of here before that girl came back, until a thought struck him.

If there were stars in the other room, where had the sun come from?

His vision returned and he looked around. There was nothing around him except water. He hated water. There was a wooden floor below him but it was morning because the sun was rising. Either that or it was setting, which would explain the stars a moment ago. Though, the sun doesn’t usually rise in a matter of five seconds, no matter how close it was to rising.

As Trey looked around, he realized he was on a ship... a ship that was not on the water, but above it. He looked up and spotted three enormous balloons suspending the entire structure in the air. He suddenly felt very queasy and unsafe.

He dropped to his knees and sat perfectly still; thinking any amount of movement might shift the weight on the ship and make the entire thing plummet into a vast amount of the dark blue and always hungry liquid. Trey had no trouble being near water but never in or above it. He couldn’t swim.

Trey looked around. There were a few wooden boxes on board and they were large and looked heavy. He figured it would be in his best interest to toss these overboard so he could move about a bit more freely.

At that moment, the door on the opposite side of the ship opened and voices exited the opening. Trey quickly crawled behind one of the boxes and hid there as bodies followed the voices.

“Aye!” A gruff, manly voice rang out, “I know what ye be sayin’! I be tired of these bananas me self! As soon as we spot land we’ll get out then, so keep yer eye out! If we miss land because of you I’ll feed you to those blasted nymphs below us, if’fin the crew don’t get to ya first!”

Trey gasped in horror. He didn’t know how he got here on this ship, but he was sure he came out of that cabin behind him. He had to get back in and hide. These guys sounded too corny to be real pirates, but if they thought they were, this could end with him drowning after walking off a plank of wood.

Trey peeked around the edge of the box and spotted three pirates walked out from the room. They were coming up a flight of stairs and were just emerging onto the deck when Trey hid again. He scooted around to the other side of the box to get a better view and still stay hidden.

He supposed the first man to emerge was the captain. He had all the things a pirate needed. A peg-leg, a shoe that had to be buckled on the other leg, an eye-patch, a rough, black beard, a hook for his right hand, the large tri-cornered, pitch-black hat, and even a small parrot perched on his shoulder. He looked as if he had just stepped straight out of a book or cheesy movie.

The second man to come up from below deck wore a red-and-white striped do-rag on his head, was lacking shoes and a shirt, and had on a pair of pants that looked like they had been ripped off violently at the knees. The man was not very muscular, but wasn’t fat. He was slightly pudgy if anything but was still in pretty good shape. He had an eyeglass in his left hand, and his right hand was empty.

The third man to emerge was the only one who didn’t fit the pirate atmosphere around him. He had shaved recently, had fairly black and worn-out boots, smooth, jet-black hair, he had all his teeth, and they were perfectly white, and he wore a long, black trench coat that reached to the bottom of his ankles, but not quite the floor. The collar of the trench coat was flipped up and it encircled his head from his left cheekbone to his right. The trench coat was closed up so Trey couldn’t tell what he was wearing underneath it.

The man who looked like the captain walked up to the helm and began to steer. The entire ship leaned slightly and the box Trey was hiding began to slid, inch-by-inch, towards the door. Trey followed the box so he wouldn’t get caught, but also kept an eye out for the two other pirates. The one without a shirt walked up past the captain and flipped out his eyeglass. He began searching ahead for a place to land. Trey lost sight of the other man and assumed he walked back downstairs.

The box slid closer to the door and Trey’s hopes rose. A little closer, a little closer and he was there! He stood and tried the door. It wouldn’t open. He twisted the knob and yanked but it wouldn’t budge. His box slid away and he dashed to it and hid again.

The ship stopped moving and Trey took this precious moment to look behind back towards where the captain was. The sun was getting higher in the sky and its light glistened off a key that dangled from the captain’s belt.

Trey groaned. He knew that key probably opened the door behind him, but he was never very courageous. He would never be able to get the key, no matter how hard he tried. He should give up now and accept his fate. He would have let himself die from the virus back when he was in his apartment, at least then he wouldn’t have to drown.

He shook his head. He couldn’t think like this! He needed to prevail, he needed to win, and he needed to get that key!

With newfound determination, he ran to the next box further ahead and ducked behind it. He was that much closer to the key. There were only two more boxes ahead of him before the captain would be within the necessary distance to steal the key. The ship shifted to the other side this time and everything on board began to slide to the right. When the next box in front of Trey was close enough, he jumped up to it and hid behind that one. Trey had to wait almost a whole twenty minutes before the captain turned again but when he did, Trey made his move.

Now behind the last box, He didn’t know what to do. He was no thief; he didn’t know how to get that key off the captain’s belt. He had no idea what he needed to do next. Then, almost as an answer to a futile wish, the parrot slipped and fell off the Captain’s shoulder, bumping into the key and knocking it off the Captain’s belt.

The parrot jumped up and flew back onto the Captain’s right shoulder. The Captain looked at him and smiled, then continued to steer. Trey snuck up behind the captain, got the key, and dashed to the door without bothering to hide. He tried putting the key into the door until He realized there was no keyhole.

“That key won’t work, boy.” A deep, calm voice sounded behind him.

Trey whirled around to meet the man in the black trench coat face-to-face. He grabbed Trey’s wrist and squeezed it firmly without breaking eye contact. He squeezed until Trey thought his wrist would break. He dropped the key onto the floor. The man in black let go of his wrist and picked it up.

[Syrah]

You overuse commas. Try to minimize your use of them. I took the liberty of deleting quite a few out of the story. An interesting first part. Has potential for a good storyline-keep it up.

[EternalPen]

Thank you. I realize I do that with commas, and I'm working on it.

[Peppy]

Okay, this is officially weird. First you go from deadly virus to pirates. This chapter seems to be a fantasy. What's next, sciience fistion? Hmmmmmm..Plausible idea, since the middle door... Hmmmmm...

From this point on, I will make no conclusions in my mind. I'll just let you take me where you want me to go.

Okay, here are a few thing which bugged me:

Other than the three doors he was simply in a box.

This sentence is deceiving. It needs to be clarified without clarifying it in the later sentences.

Trey peeked around the edge of the box and spotted three pirates walked out from the room.

"walking", or, "...spotted the three pirates who came out of the room." Or something like that.

The ship stopped moving and Trey took this precious moment to look behind back towards where the captain was.

[EternalPen]

Oh! I spotted those errors, but I guess I forgot to fix them here on SM.

And yes. I wanted to write a bit of everything here. ^_^

[RENA HANDS]

I believe that stating the synopsis once, is enough. I might have done it more than once, but learned from the repetition, just write once in the beginning of your write.

I would say…wondering where he was, nothing was familiar to him. (Removing ‘but.’)

What about…While in a groggy state, Trey tried to pull himself to his feet. His head throbbing, vision blurred all he could make out was the door…the three doors standing side-by-side and a box. A prison of brick walls, carpeting of purple Saxony and a ceiling of white acoustic tiles. (Or something similar.)

What about…

The trio of doors (so to avoid using ‘the three doors.’)

I think…

was below the surface of the water,

I think you are being repetitive about the ship and shadowing sharks/fins. But I don’t know how else to rewrite it. Please consult an editor on this matter. Also about your tenses in this chapter.

What about…The second door displayed an image of a small spacecraft floating through the stars.

The stars at a closer inspection turned out to be nothing more than stabbings in the door. There was no indication of direction, propelletion*…it simply looked abandoned. (Or something similar.)

If you keep ‘inscribed,’ then I suggest…

The second door’s inscription…

You need to use other words than…inscribe, picture, shadow, drawing, comprehensible (or the variations of.)

You say the carpet is being stained, then leave it at that take out ‘too.’

Possibly…

The illustration was smeared by what Trey could be certain was coagulated blood.

What about…

A monstrous fiend of some kind had been here and murdered someone.

What about…Was the fiend still here? Sweat dropped like bombs against Trey’s forehead down into his ears. What weapons had I? His throat swollen making swallowing a difficult task. (Or something similar.)

I think you mean ‘obvious.’

I wouldn’t take the time to mention female killer, but simply say…Trey heard the woman’s voice but rush to escape this hell, he slammed the door shut and proceeded to the first. (Or something similar.)

Say…he dashed out. You are using ‘through’ too much, I think.

I suggest…

He thought it stupid to run out like that still he wanted to get the hell out of there. A thought struck him…

If there were stars in one room, how could it be that here in this quarter there was the sun? (Or something similar.)

What about…

With a precise vision, he could see there was only water surrounding him. ? I think you could rewrite and include more details about this watery room.

What about…

a ship (maybe describe the type of ship) that was not gliding on water rather it hovered above it. ?

Remove ‘then,’ here…we spot land we’ll get out, so keep yer eye out!

What about…He didn’t know where the man came from, but he was certain that he walked out of the cabin behind him. Trey continued to conceal himself behind the wooden crates. Were these real pirates? (Add something about his physical demeanor possibly then something about the manner of speech.)

I think you mean ‘walking’…three pirates (is there another word) walking out from the room (is this still the cabin?) Possibly say…Trey snuck behind the crates/boxes again. What about…He scooted around the opposite corner trying to see a better view while maintain his camouflage/cover/cloak. (Or something similar.)

I’ll return to this…

Please remember that these are only my thoughts/suggestions and you don’t have to take any of it

[RENA HANDS]

You could rewrite the pirate/Captain’s description.

I assume the ‘second man,’ possibly the first mate; he too could be rewritten in a more subtle manner.

I think…but not quite (to/touch(es) or (ed) the) floor.

What about…

The entire ship leaned slightly (what direction) as the boxes behind that concealed Trey, they began slid(ing) inch-by-inch towards the door. ?

I suggest using other words for ‘box.’

I think you need to capitalize Captain. Please consult an editor on this matter.

Also, ask an editor about your tenses. I believe they are inconsistent.

The ‘key’ scene or the stealing of could be more active with less abruptness.

I suggest using other words for Captain too.

I’m not certain where you are taking this story, but it could be less choppy; the actions/dialogue and imagery. I will rate this chapter 2/5!