[ms_mae572]

Synopsis: A young girl falls off a cruise ship and lands on an island full of cannibals.

TRAPPED

Twenty seven days is exactly how long I’ve been stuck here. That’s almost a month. I’ve spent an entire month out of my life on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. These are the consequences for choosing to stand on top of a railing on a cruise ship to Hawaii and attempting to walk the length of the ship, unsupervised, late at night, and nothing to separate me and the ocean. There was no one to see me slip and tumble into the sea, no one to hear my screams of terror as the waves engulfed me, and no one to hear the splash as I fell bodily into the black oblivion of the dark blue Pacific. I remember watching as the moonlit night sky got further and further away. The sounds of the boat were drowned out by the waves. No amount of screaming or swimming would get me back on the boat. I had only stood on the railing in jest! My dad had jokingly said that he could walk the length of the ship balanced precariously on the rail. At the time it had seemed like a pretty awesome thing to do! A long night of swimming toward an island and twenty seven days later, my disposition had changed.

Sleep deprived and bored to tears, I set off to explore the island. Twenty seven days of waiting in the same spot of the island for someone to come and rescue me was getting more and more hopeless. I had to figure out something because I didn’t want to die on the island. I had not gone two miles down the island beach when I saw a small boy sitting alone in the sand. As I walked closer to the lone boy, I realized he was crying.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him. He looked at me. All I saw in his eyes was terror and confusion. He was trembling. I reached out to him.

“NO!” he screamed at me, pulling away.

“I’m not going to hurt you!” I told him. The boy, about seven years old, began to calm down, but a cascade of tears suddenly flowed down his face.

“They took her…” he told me between gasps, “they took my mommy! Please, get her back! Please!”

“Who took her?” I asked the boy. I was beginning to get a little confused. Was this kid serious? Were there other people on the island? Were they friendly?

“Them,” he said pointing into the jungle.

“Who?” I asked him, hoping the small boy would clarify.

“Mommy said they were can-na-na-bals, she came to take pictures, but they weren’t very nice to her. They grabbed her and tied her up. They tried to grab me, but I ran away. I want mommy!” The boy cried, another water fall of tears streamed down his face, obscuring his homely features. Wait, did he mean cannibals?

“Mommy came to take pictures of the cannibals?” I asked. Maybe he meant something else. Maybe he meant something not so people-eating and not so scary.

“Yeah, can-ni-bals,” the boy said pronouncing it correctly this time.

I turned back toward the jungle, where the boy had pointed out the cannibals. I could feel the malevolence in the air. The island’s temperament had changed. A dark aura now covered the island. I shivered. I realized what I had just gotten myself into. The boy expected me to get his mom and save her. I asked him to take me to his mom. Without a word, the boy led me to his mother. As we walked deep into the dense foliage, I learned that the boy’s name was Tommy and his mom’s name was Sharon. They had come to document the cannibals, but things had gone badly when they tried to solicit the pair into eating human meat. They refused, causing the villagers to go into an uproar.

We were now in the village. Small huts were scattered among the trees. Human bones decorated the trees and the small village reeked of rotting flesh. Which I presumed was human flesh. Tommy and I continued to weave our way through the cannibalism and I shivered. Ahead we could hear chanting in an unknown language. As we drew nearer to the uncongenial voices, it seemed as if I was walking into a nightmare. The cannibals were unlike any human I had ever seen. They wore clothing made out of plants, necklaces of bone, and each one had multiple earrings and nose rings made of bone. They were all bald, even the women. Their dark skin was painted red, blood red. I only presumed it was blood. As they chanted to an unknown source, screams pierced the evening sky. They were blood-curdling screams of anguish and pain. I could feel my heart beat faster and faster in my chest. My heart had become the drum beat to the rhythm of the terrible chanting. I turned to run away. This was too much. Nothing on earth could compare to the feeling I got as the screams got louder and louder. This was a terrible feeling. I heaved and tried to etch the screams out of my mind, but they were echoing in my mind. Someone had died that night, murdered in cold-blood. The screams I heard could not have been made by someone who wasn’t about to die. Whoever these people had killed, they had tortured them to death, I was sure of it. As suddenly as the chanting had started, it stopped. I saw that the cannibals were surrounding a fire pit. Above the fire, adorning it like a head-piece, was a woman. She was dead and slowly roasting. I no longer wanted to be here. I wished I had never balanced on that railing, but I was stuck taking care of a little boy, whose mother could have the same fate as the woman above the fire. Unless that was his mother…

“MOMMY!” Tommy cried out, as he ran toward the woman above the fire. The cannibals turned to stare at him. Before I ran after him, I began to unburden my soul of all the terrible things I’d ever done, for I would surely die saving Tommy. I ran after him, tears in my eyes.

“Tommy, no!” I screamed, rushing past the oncoming islanders. I grabbed the boy. No longer did he have any docility, he wanted his mom and he wasn’t going to stop until he got to her. The cannibals ignored the boy’s screams of terror and made quick of tying both of us to a tree. They walked away, peevish expressions on their faces. I felt my warm tears sliding down my face. It was over. We were going to be killed, roasted, and eaten like the boy’s mother. I watched the cannibals hungrily untie her and take her away, the rest of the village following behind. Alone, Tommy and I sat tied to a tree. We were alone! We could escape! I tried to loosen the ropes. Nothing happened. Out of the corner of my eye, something shined in the moonlight. A knife!

“Tommy,” I whispered, “get that knife!” He used his feet to pass it to me. I slid the rope down the tree and grabbed the knife. Making quick work, I managed to cut the ropes and we were free. I took Tommy’s hand and we ran away. He asked no questions. Tommy was silent. He knew his mother was dead. Ahead of us, a light was shining through the trees.

“Sharon? Tommy? Is that you?” A male voice called out.

“I’m here, daddy!” Tommy cried out, running toward the light. The bright light blinded Tommy, and he tripped, but strong arms caught him.

“Daddy!” Tommy yelled again. The man indulged his son with a hug and picked him up.

“Sharon, is that you?” the man asked me, shining the light in my eyes.

“No, it’s not,” I told him plainly.

“Where is she? Do you know where she is?” The man asked me worriedly.

“The cannibals, they…” I choked out.

“Oh my, oh my go- SOMEBODY GET HELP!” the man cried out, clinging to his son. The boy laughed, but stopped short. The man started laughing as well. I stood dumbfounded, staring at them.

“CUT!” a voice ordered to my right.

“What’s going on? Why are they laughing?” I yelled out, tears rolling down my face. Was this some sort of sick joke?

“Who are you?” Tommy’s father asked me.

“Carrie,” I answered.

“Are you new here?” he asked me.

“What?” I cried out.

“You’re not an actress, are you?” he inquired.

“No! What’s going on here?” I started to freak out.

“Excuse me, miss, but this is a movie we’re making and we can’t have you interrupting us every time you have a question. We’ve been out here for weeks! You should be used to this by now!” a man told me from behind. I turned to face him.

“This is a movie?” I asked. He looked at me. Realizing I wasn’t part of the cast, he began to speak.

“Wait, you’re not in the movie, are you? How did you get on this island? It’s a closed set!” the man, who I guessed was the director asked me.

“I fell off my cruise ship. You mean those cannibals aren’t real? Sharon didn’t die?” I asked quickly.

“No! Of course not! Famous movie magic, that’s what that was! Hey Susan, come here!” the man called out. A woman came into view. It was Sharon! “Susan, this girl just popped into our movie, only she came in just as the cannibals were attacking you and thought it was completely real! I can’t believe I didn’t realize that she wasn’t part of the movie!” He laughed. Feelings of relief and confusion washed over me. It wasn’t real? I wasn’t going to die? I started to get lightheaded and I fainted.

I woke up to bright sunshine, and ‘Tommy’ was standing above me.

“You’re up!” he said cheerfully.

“What happened?” I asked him.

“Well, yesterday you walked into our movie set and I thought you were in the movie, so I just went along with what you did. But you actually thought it was real, which is why I thought you were acting, but you weren’t! So then we told you it was a movie, and then you passed out!” The boy told me excitedly.

“Wow,” I responded.

“The director wants to know if you want to actually be in the movie, because you’re already in it, and you did really well, so he wants to hire you. Please say yes, because you’re like my only friend here!” the boy told me.

“I’ll have to think about it,” I told him, smiling to myself, “but I think it will be a yes.”

[Peppy]

This is way better than Journal of a 27 year old Flight Attendant. The premise was interesting. Stranded on an island, cannibals and the surprise ending. I thought it was very creative--though I think I read this in an Archie comic or something. Weird. The cannibal descriptions were wickedly awesome.

But, when she met the boy, I thought it was just a bit too convenient and coincidental. And to stay in one spot for twenty seven days, without exploring, doesn't cut it. I think she should have explored just a bit, like on the other side of the island and she decides to go the other end where the cannibals are in.

The story was well written, though I thought some sentences needed better wording. Nonetheless, it was an awesome read. Hmmmmmmmmm...

[ms_mae572]

well im glad you like it! yeah, i probably should have made her explore a little more in the 27 days, but i had the whole cannibal idea and wanted to get to it right away! and i've never read any archie comics so i don't know if its the same as one or something, anyway thanks for reading!

[timtornado3721]

Wow, that was a curve ball. The scene where Sharon is being "roasted" was very believable but throwing in the curve ball ending kind of just took away from the story in my opinion. Don't get discouraged by that though, I was wanting something else to happen entirely. As Peppy had said already some of the details were a bit odd. Such as the fact that she never explored while looking for food or water.

[ms_mae572]

lol and what were you expecting tim? and trust me, i had tons of other endings. and yes, she did look for food, but stayed on that beach most of the time in case the ship came back...she just didnt totally explore the island because she was worried she'd miss a rescue boat, okay?

[timtornado3721]

I don't know, maybe some daring escape like in Pirates of the Caribbean 2 where she's running with Tommy toward a boat or possibly Tommy's Dad's boat or something. Yeah, saying that she explored a little helped explain that part of the story. Maybe you could add that in the first or second paragraph?

[ms_mae572]

lol yeah i should add the exploring bit for sure.
btw Pirates was awesome lol

[Merrywinds]

Not really outstanding but the idea was fun. It could have been perhaps done a bit better with more meat around it but this was also a good read. I'm personally in for different kinds of stories but this one was excellent also despite the different type. The worst thing was that there was no link to the main character so that she seemed (to me at least) to remain a bit distant. It was imaginative though, so high points for that.

The best thing was possibly the cannibals. A wonderful description there, even in such a short amount of text.

Out.

[ms_mae572]

yeah, describing the cannibals was my favorite part to write, and yeah I could've written more, but I just didn't have the time....

[RENA HANDS]

I think the first paragraph could have been more active not only in vocabulary, so too in imagery. And how did your character come to keep track of his ‘time’ on the island?

Also, the trek through the island possibly gathering wood for a large fire to attract rescuers, that too could have been more dramatic.

Possible say something like…The boy expected me to find his mother and save her.

Who is this person the boy speaks with? And how did he and his mother come to find themselves on this cannibalistic island?

There could be fewer ‘I’s.

Also (for me) your sentences seem too simple. There could be more dramatics within concerning action, dialogue, and emotion.

The trek through the jungle…a lot more imagery, action and emotion could be illustrated here.

The visual of the cannibals’ huts…a lot more imagery could be illustrated here.

I think your tenses are incorrect in their execution.

Where is the more visual active ‘hunt’ for the boy and his new companion? Where is the more visual of a roasting fire pit?

You are not only presenting vague actions, but you are rushing them also.
The ‘escape’ was too vague (imagery/action/emotion). Where is the sigh of relief? A jovial laughter in the face of death?

The Miss should be capitalized.

A very surprise ending finding out the ‘cannibal situation’ was only a movie set. But I still stand by the vagueness of your write; imagery, action, and emotion out pour. I give a rating of 2/5.

[ms_mae572]

Um, thanks? It's a short story. Emphasis on the short. I would of/can elaborate, but wouldn't it then be more of a longer read?

[ea_blue]

This is an interesting idea and it has lots of potential. In certain spots you write very well and in others you rush it too much.

Here's some specific "dings" I noticed:

I heaved and tried to etch the screams out of my mind

Do you mean, "retch" here?

...he wasn’t going to stop until he got to her. The cannibals ignored the boy’s screams of terror and made quick of tying both of us to a tree.

A whole lot happens here and it's very abbreviated. This action is worth a couple paragraphs at least. This is an important occurrence in the story. Help us "feel" the drama of the event. Also, this phrase, "and made quick of tying both" is very rough and needs to be re-written.

A woman came into view. It was Sharon!

The MC hasn't really met Sharon yet, only a roasting corpse. So for the MC to identify her so easily is improbable.

I find it hard to believe that the MC would just waltz straight into a camp of cannibals without even attempting to sneak up. She's going into very dangerous, very deadly place. At least attempt to be unseen.

It's also hard to imagine they even could walk straight into the camp. Tribes are always protecting their land and leave scouts in the surrounding area to insure nobody could do what the MC did. A tribe could be wiped out by another hostile one if they were so lax in security.

Rena is entirely right in pointing out that more time on detail and description of action is needed. You replied that it is supposed to be a short story. It's always a battle to maintain a balance between description and length. This is something every writer faces and it's tough. A way to maintain the balance is simplify the plot and reduce the number of characters. Then you can flesh out the details of the action and description and still end with a short story.

Keep at it and let your ideas flow. Don't worry about length so much (I'm saying this to "me" as much as I am to you). Let the story be what it is, then come back and trim the fat later.

Thanks for sharing your work!

[yume no hasu]

Hi there,
The story has potential, but there are a couple things to point out. Why did the girl not explore? She was sitting there for 27 days and did not go find food or no one found her?
Also, descriptions are a bit lacking and seem jumpy for some parts.
And the girl, when she found out a woman was being roasted alive - her reaction wasn't very realistic...I think she should have been completely mortified and it justseemed to not phase her. Even the kid did not seem very shocked by the fact his mother died (even though it was fake)
However, I applaud the twist with the movie set. It made me smile as I saw it unfolding and I laughed a little
So nice concept but some things seem vague and need more detailing and more realistic reactions. But otherwise good work. Keep at it.

[D-min]

I agree with the people above me, even for a short story, it's a bit short and vague, try looking for sentences that aren't very well built and rewrite them.
Also, how old is this girl? If she's 13 and under, I might understand her wanting to try what her father said, but any older and I'm sure common sense would have prevailed. I think you need to find an alternative, such as a careless deck hand leaving soapy water on the deck near the railing and the woman slipping over the edge, or maybe the oysters disagreed with her and she was puking over the side when the ship hit a nasty wave, sending her after the previous contents of her stomach.

Also, as it has been mentioned, but not elaborated on, 27 days of doing nothing? She'd better hope to hell that the spot where she landed has a freshwater pond with a ton of fish in it beside a cave with a stove in it. She has no water, shelter or food, and after the first few days at the most, I guarantee you that she's going for a walk. 27 days is almost a month, and what you told us, as the narrator, is that she just sat there, doing nothing. I hate to break it to you, but your character's dead, rotting, and the animals are picking her clean.

Don't get me wrong, it's an interesting read but, I'm sad to say, I can't call it good in the face of so many inconsistencies. If you take the advice offered by all these people and build on it, you may have something really good. In the mean time, I only offer a 2/5. If you do up a nice rewrite, I'll revise the score to a 4 or a 5.

[katofmystery]

Well. . . I think that it has been covered that one would not sit in the same place for 27 days so I won't just tell you about it. I thought that it would be better if you just had 'she fell off ship. finds boy next day. period.' i thought that you could have described more at some parts but with a short piece it was brillant. . . Oh and though common sense SHOULD have taken over I can totally imagine a person walking on the rails so no worries there. . . good job with the surprise ending!!!