[Maud]

Synopsis (only for stories/essays): A professional killer takes on his final and most difficult mission.

-Johnny Boy-
Day 1

An old smell of rotten fish floated in the air. A dim light swung from the ceiling. A fat man with a scraggily beard picked up a dirt glass. He took a sip with his pale lips. A cheap watered down liquor flowed down his throat. The door opened slowly ringing a series of bells. A paper white tall blonde man walked in. The bartender opened his mouth and the pale man only held up a finger. Then the he sat down across the only other man in the bar.

"Do you have it?" The pale man's word slipped from his tounge.

"Ya. You?"

Bang. The fat man's head hit the table. A thick red liquid flowed out the corner of his mouth. The pale one stood up. He pulled out a handgun and shot the bartender. Then he walked out.

The sun was exceptionally bright that afternoon. Boards of wood lined the streets, smells of death helped to create the atmosphere. This pale man looked straight as if trying his best not to detour his view. A man stood up holding a cup. The pale man pressed on his chest with his hand, sending the other down. He reached the corner of the street and flipped open his cell.

"Ready."

A red car flew across the street with it's passenger door open. The pale one jumped in, closing the door behind him. A man with large black sunglasses was at the wheel sterring in and out of traffic making sure not to take a main road, finally he spoke,

"You could have at least took the coke, Johnny."

"That wasn't part of the mission Guy."

"But..."

He stopped there. He knew when to shut up, a valuable skill in the business. The car finally stopped in front of a cheap apartment building. Johny got out and headed for the door. Guy was about to talk when he spotted something green on the seat, five grand. He drove away.

Johnny headed towards the rusty parcel elevator in the middle of the moldy lobby. His pale finger pressed the three button. With all its effort the cage violently moved. Then just as violently jerked to a stop. The pale white figure moved out and to his loft. A heavy metal door shut with a bang as the man walked in.

There was only two single pieces of furniture in the entire loft, a large metal case. His feet slid over to the case. Johnny opened a metal door to the case. Lines of weapons of all sorts lined the racks of the case. Everything from a small RPG to a sword was contained in this armory. Johnny replaced his handgun. And went near the only other piece of furniture a shabby metal cot. But it wasn't time to sleep. He looked at the phone that laid on the bed. Then it rang like always at four o'clock. The prerecorded voice spoke with an eerie preciseness.

"Another walks among us. His name is Bartholomew Gergoris. This man is worth three million. He is to be executed as soon as possible. For every day he remains alive after this phone call one million dollars will be subtracted from the total reward. This as you know is the last mission; finish this and all has been done."

Then it ended. He sat on the bed. Of course he knew that this was his last mission. He had been waiting for this his whole life. He resented that fake voice, and his inability to protest the difficulty of this mission. Every killer, eliminator, thief, and any other "shady" figure knew this man, many as boss. And this would be no easy job. But he still smiled through his resentment. This would be it, then it was all over. Johnny made his own call for a driver, he was going downtown.

He made the necessary preparations, two weapons; a handgun with incredible stopping power that had a built in silencer, the other weapon a custom built weapon he got five years ago. A shotgun made so small one could mistake it for a handgun, but losing know of its power. He sat there on his bed coming up with a plan while waiting for his ride. By the time he received another call it was already dark. He headed downstairs.

It was a grey car this time, the two sitting next to each other without saying a word. Lights on either side of the street slid in and out of the car. Bright neon dazzled spectators. Then a swift turn and we passed under ground. The only lights now were cheap fluorescent, making a sorely artificial feel. Those with no other place to go for the night sat here living out there horrible existence. Then the car stopped, and as Johnny was about to step out the driver spoke, "Good Luck, and see you soon."

The pale killer opened the door, opening a dimension to another cheap, dimly lighted bar. But this one was much busier. Cigar smoke mingled with fumes of alcohol and the feeling of death. Loud annoying laughs burst out from time to time, along with shouts and even a blow or two. Finally Johnny seen the target.

Red blotches on a fat man's cheeks immediately alerted him. He began to laugh so loud he began coughing out food that once lined his yellow mouth. He seen the pale figure and bid him to sit down with his pudgy fingers. The figure shook his head in agreement and gave a fake smile. Johnny slid down into the bench. The raspy voice of the fat man lined Johnny's ears.

"So you finally came to ask a mission of me?"

"It's getting hard with the new mayor." I lied through my teeth, my job was always the same.

"Ya Ya. It just so happens that I have a gig. It pays two grand."

He shook one of his guards away. Johnny drew my gun under the counter. For the first time since his first job Johnny sweated. And Bart sensed something. He was about to speak when Johnny kicked him in the gut. Then the faint sound of a muffled shot. As long as Johnny's foot was there he wouldn't fall. Slowly he removed the foot. Luckily, he didn't fall like this afternoons target. Johnny said out loud in a purposely loud voice, "Well to hell with you!"

The pale man got up and headed to the door. His footsteps were actually audible in the usually booming bar. Then he glanced back he was bleeding out of the mouth. Oh how he wished they wouldn't notice. Then just as his hands reached the door strong hands pulled him back. Primal instinct kicked in he whizzed around and shot the man handling him. He flew back. Shots erupted from all over. Johnny kicked over a table. He slid his back against it using it for cover. Every second or so he would pop out to take a life. Bodied thudded as they hit the floor. He fondled for a magazine remembering he hadn't brought one. Then he spotted the door was open. Just then a barrage of bullets ripped through the wooded surface. He then ran towards the door with a surprising speed. Another guy went to block it, Johnny literally tore him apart. Blood lined the walls. He got out .

He flipped open his cell phone and called for his ride. The car stopped at curb. Johnny walked in calmly, then he spoke, "Barts in a bad mood today."

The driver didn't respond. The car sped towards the loft.

"Hey dude my turn was back th..."

The man dove out of the car. Johnny sat there getting ready to take the wheel, still in shock. The doors were locked. Then a bang came from outside, and then one from inside; the car erupted in flames.

Johnny flew out the windshield. He landed in a dumpster. The driver was ran at him with a handgun. The pale killer took out Louie, his name for the shotgun-pistol, and blasted the driver across the street. His cell phone remained on the pavement. He looked at the inbox, a call from Bart's right hand man. He was still alive and that meant so were Johnny's troubles. Johnny walked back to his loft. Four cars, all with men in them waited in various place around his building. Johnny groaned in dismay. He walked back towards the alley and got ready to sleep. So the end had begun.

[Lubesh]

Perhaps at the beginning to avoid the repetition ..'an old smell of rotten/rancid fish.. or other.

[Maud]

fixed. i think thats the shortest critique u ever gave me

[Ambrose]

I felt that the story was a bit sensational. For instance: the part where Johnny literally tears a guy apart when he is escaping from the bar. I realize you want to portray Johnny as an expert in his field, but this is almost too much. Another thing that perplexed me was the tone of the story. I couldn't tell if you wanted us, the readers, to take this story completely seriously or view it as an exaggerated action flick. For example, the part where Johnny's ride explodes and he flies conveniently out through the windshield, somehow unharmed, detracts from the realism of the story overall.

Overall, this is fairly well written. The dialogue is above average and your descriptions work. One thing I noticed was that you switched momentarily from third person to first person, halfway through. I'm not sure if this was intentional, but if it was I didn't get your reasoninig behind it.

[usmc93]

It was okay, not perfect. Although there were some good parts inserted, various mistakes were made. Good job.

[Maud]

Actually that was exactly what I was going for Ambrose, I wrote this after watching Kill Bill for the hundreath time.

[spinx]

it was just ok for me

[Nephilim]

lately i havent been review a whole lot of stories on here (i love the site, but college apps are a bitch) but this story caught my eye.

the diction is excellent in my opinion. a little clunky in the first paragraph. perhaps edit the staccato of the first few sentances into something more fluid, something with more flowing imagery.

i liked the kind of over-the-top violence to it. it reminded me of john woo's hardboiled, or his game, Stranglehold. however, the bane of the game and of the story remain the same. it seems that, while the action parts are good, and the immediate rising action is good (i like him holding the body with his foot), it kindof feels a bit contrived against the rest of the story. however, what i did like about the action was how instantly it started. the sort of way that johnny suddenly becomes uncaged is awesome. the switch between third person (i remember it happening twice [my gun...we passed underground]) also, some redundant sentances in the beginnings of paragraphs kind of made that whole section feel a little bit off. try using other words besides "pale" and "paper white" to describe johnny. also, switching between johnny and "the figure" is a little bit too seamless. it led me to believe there was a split personality for a little while, then realized the two were synonymous. also, and this is more of a styleistic remark, try describing the gunfight in deep detail. it will slow it down, making each person johnny kills important and interesting.

as a whole, this is a great story. the action is all there, and the characterization is good. really just a bunch of little things, rather than one big thing, could use correcting.

let me know what you think

[Supa Boi]

The story lost me. Who waz tellin the story?

[Razor]

There was only two single pieces of furniture in the entire loft. One was a large metal case, to which his feet slid over to it.

I added in the italics, because when I read this without the Italics, wasn't sure if there was two pieces of furniture and this metal casing or just a case and something else. I strongly suggest rewording this. (Also, I envisioned a case you might put on a small table, but I think you are going for something bigger, if so a few details to its size in reference to something else like a desk or cabinet, I think, are needed)

but losing know of its power.

none

Finally Johnny seen the target.

saw

He seen the pale figure and bid him to sit down with his pudgy fingers.

saw

"It's getting hard with the new mayor." I lied through my teeth, my job was always the same.

"Ya Ya. It just so happens that I have a gig. It pays two grand."

He shook one of his guards away. Johnny drew my gun under the counter. For the first time since his first job Johnny sweated. And Bart sensed something. He was about to speak when Johnny kicked him in the gut. Then the faint sound of a muffled shot. As long as Johnny's foot was there he wouldn't fall. Slowly he removed the foot. Luckily, he didn't fall like this afternoons target. Johnny said out loud in a purposely loud voice, "Well to hell with you!"

The pale man got up and headed to the door. His footsteps were actually audible in the usually booming bar. Then he glanced back he was bleeding out of the mouth. Oh how he wished they wouldn't notice. Then just as his hands reached the door strong hands pulled him back. Primal instinct kicked in he whizzed around and shot the man handling him. He flew back. Shots erupted from all over. Johnny kicked over a table. He slid his back against it using it for cover. Every second or so he would pop out to take a life. Bodied thudded as they hit the floor. He fondled for a magazine remembering he hadn't brought one. Then he spotted the door was open. Just then a barrage of bullets ripped through the wooded surface. He then ran towards the door with a surprising speed. Another guy went to block it, Johnny literally tore him apart. Blood lined the walls. He got out .

I don't know what happened in three of these four paragraphs.. but the solid writing up to this point comes unraveled very quickly.

First of all, the narrator switches from someone/thing watching from the sidelines (a ghost or whatever) to being Johnny.

Third paragraph, dark orange, you use Johnny and my in the same sentence. I'm guessing what happened was you wrote this first person maybe and then went back through and switched it. I do this too, and I usually miss a few places. No harm done.

Third para, green, was sweating, instead of sweated. Also, add a coma after was sweating, and Bart...

Third para, red isn't really needed. The following two sentences explain why he kicked and held his foot there.

Third para, brown, you use "he" to describe two different men in back to back sentences. Need to put in a Johnny or Bart or both so the reader doesn't have to reread or stop to figure out which is which.

Third para, blue, this sentence comes off rough. Loud is used twice. Maybe cut it down to: In a purposely loud voice, "Well to...etc

Fourth para, purple, these four sentences really break up the flow of the story and the start of the action scene. I would suggest going back through and smoothing them out. Something like this:

It seemed to him like his footsteps were actually audible in the booming bar, causing him to glance back. Bart was bleeding from the mouth. Oh how he hoped nobody would notice, but just as his hand reached out for the door, two strong hands seized him, pulling him back.

Fourth para dark green, this is a run-on sentence. Put a period or a semi-colon after "kicked in."

Fourth para red, this paragraph will be fine without those three words. If you absolutely need the visual of a man flying backwards work it into the next sentence like: As the man crashed through a table, the room erupted in gunfire. Which leads me to my next suggestion, "shots erupted from all over" doesn't carry a lot of impact. The wording is a little awkward or something, I can't quite place my finger on it.

I would start a new paragraph at: "Johnny kicked...." and combine the next sentence: Johnny kicked over a table sliding his back against it for cover.

4th para yellow, bodies

4th para orange, there is a "then" in each of these sentences.

Also, I agree with Ambrose. Maybe say Johnny ripped out the guys throat instead of ripping him literately apart.

One thing that bugged me was...he exits the club and he is safe... Nobody came after him? I mean he calls and waits for the guy to pick him up. The only explanation I could think of was all the shotting was not being directly solely at Johnny. That once one shot went off people started firing at anyone else with a gun. If so, make that more apparent.

The last two paragraphs are also like Ambrose said, a little unbelievable. Johnny flies out of a car I think just exploded, (breaks through a windshield?) into a dumpster (which are usually in allies) and seems unhurt. However, its your story, if that's the way you want it. So be it!

There are a few things in the last paragraph,

"The driver was ran at him with a handgun." (take out the was)

", and blasted the driver across the street." Do you mean he shot the driver from across the street or he shot the driver and the driver flew across the street.

I would start a new paragraph and have the first sentence be something along the lines of Johnny collecting himself from the dumpster to find his cell phone still in one piece on the pavement.

###

I know I'm being pretty critical with all this and I apologize, but this story interests me and the beginning was pulling me in, then the story got bumpy and I spent too much time rewording things in my head to enjoy it.

What I mean to say is, I like the story and I like where it is going. The main character is interesting and the plot surrounding him is intriguing. The flow is pretty good regardless. Mechanics get a little sloppy, but I pretty bad with grammar and what not myself. It is just that I think you could bring out more potential in this story, because I see more.

Good job, and please remember this is just the opinion of one person. Don't use it if you don't want to, and hopefully I didn't offend you.

[Wesley]

For me, the action felt a bit choppy. I would love to read a more in depth assassination scene. When Johnny is put through the windshield, don't you think that may kill him?

[Zoidberg]

This is the making of a good series. Sadly, I noticed a few errors. Like:

Everything from a small RPG to a sword was contained in this armory. Johnny replaced his handgun. And went near the only other piece of furniture a shabby metal cot.

You need a comma after furniture, and i think there is a fragment there. You need to make the last two sentences one.

Also... Crap! I lost the mistakes. Sorry. You may want to read the story again.

Good Story and I can't wait to hear the rest.

[DiabolicalTaco]

I liked the different moods in the story, and the way it changed from first person to third person. It also reminded me of the comic Johnny The Homicidal Maniac.

[Merrywinds]

It was a nice action flick, all in all. The sudden switch from third to first person confused me somewhat. You also lost me several times there with those missing commas and some odd sentences(I think Razor pointed those out). The plot was good enough, nothing extraordinary but still good. I'd like to see the sequels to this. Some work to do with grammar, but it didn't ruin the reading experience. I did like the main character though.


Anyways, please do keep writing.

[RENA HANDS]

Did you mean ‘dirtied glass,’ A fat man with a scraggily beard picked up a dirtied glass.?

What about saying ‘trickled,’ A thick red liquid trickled out the corner of his mouth.?

What about...The sun (had been) exceptionally bright that afternoon.?
I think you should use the word aroma or scent and stench to substitute ‘smell.’

You mean ‘its,’ here...A red car flew across the street with its passenger door (maybe swung) open.?

Perhaps consider using albino in place of ‘pale man.’ Or some other words describing 'pale.'

Maybe say ‘halted,’ The car finally halted in front of a cheap apartment building.? Also consider giving more actions to a car that maybe screeching, tires smoking as suddenly the screaming breaks are slammed down hard.

I think the ‘furniture scene’ could be expanded upon more. The whole ‘setting’ of the apartment could be described in more detail.

What was Johnny doing as he took/listened to the man over the phone. Did you play with the telephone cord? Observes his fingers? Was he sweating or removing his clothing? Some of these additional details I think would be beneficial to your story.

I think you should find a way to emphasize Boss. Bold it or italic. Just make it stand out that He is the one in control.

The explanations of the two weapons too could be more in depth in imagery and usage, I think.

Maybe show more about the two men in the car and their behavior of them as they all drove downtown.

Perhaps illustrate the ‘eyeing’ of the target as he was scooping/surveying the bar’s interior and its occupants.

Saying that ‘Finally, Johnny seen the target,’ is too simple in words and imagery.

Possibly...He began to laugh so loudly that the food once stuffed/shoved into his mouth spewed out his yellow lined lips. OR something similar.

I think you are losing your tense execution when you say, ‘He seen,’ I believe you should say ‘He had seen...’

Did you mean ‘his,’ Johnny drew his gun under the counter.?

Maybe something like...Luckily, he didn’t fall like the prior afternoon’s target.?

A hitman wouldn’t bring an extra magazine with him? That seems a bit unbelievable to me.

You have too much spacing between ‘out’ and the ending period.

I think...Bart’s in a bad mood today. OR...Brad’s in a foul mood today. And add some action to the speaker.

The driver ran/rushed at him with a handgun. (The original sentence is incorrect.)

You could combine some sentences and extend others...Johnny flew out the windshield and landed in a dumpster.

The whole story for me as an action tale could be more fluent and suspenseful with activities and imageries. For me there were gaps in story that could have been more finely tuned so for the original idea I will give a rating of 2/5.