[Gurdit]

Synopsis: Story of a very strange young man and the unlikely love he finds.


Ethaniel was born different. When he first came out of his mother's womb, unlike most babies, his eyes were open. Instead of crying like most babies do, Ethaniel D'Souza simply blinked at the doctor holding him. From a very young age, Ethaniel showed signs of maturity beyond his age. While most of his friends would run after the biggest toys, playing with them until they smashed, Ethaniel would only be interested in toys that had moving parts, and spent a majority of his time trying to figure out how things worked. As he grew older, the gap between Ethaniel and others his age grew even wider and as a result, he would never completely fit in anywhere.

In high school, he managed to score well in almost all his subjects. This came to him as a matter of natural ability, for he never spent any more time on his studies than the bare minimum. He didn't, however, spend his free time the same way others his age do. He hated hanging out at the mall, window-shopping for things he would never buy. He hated skate-boarding, and he hated partying even more. He started keeping more and more to himself, and eventually began to be associated with "the freaks". This wasn't very surprising, of course, because of all the people he didn't want to be associated with, he minded the freaks the least. Unlike most people who only showed a superficial interest in their passions (most of which were peer-popular), they at least had real passion for whatever they did. They had a genuine reason to be what they were.

Ethaniel was never really popular among the girls. Some, however, found his silent brooding personality a little interesting, and even considered asking him out, although that never happened. For his own part, he never asked anyone out. Nobody knew if he was straight or gay. Rumours were rife, but when you're not interesting, rumours about you tend to die out pretty soon. So was the case with Ethaniel - he remained an enigma, nobody knew much about him. Nobody really bothered to find out anything about him and he felt even more out of place. Ethaniel, the lone wolf... forever a stranger.

And thus, his thoughts rambled on, while he sat at the window, looking at the full moon. It was the prettiest night of the summer, surely, and something special must be in store tonight... something out of the ordinary for God to have decorated the sky like that. Not a cloud was in sight, and the million or so stars seemed to be having a friendly competition, trying to outshine, out-twinkle each other. The wind was a soft, cool breeze, gently pushing his hair behind his ears. The small living room behind him was clean... sure, there wasn't much furniture, and he had to make do with the little income he got from his part-time job, but it was a decent, well-kept little apartment. Ethaniel turned around once, to make sure everything was like it was supposed to be...

The wall-clock showed that the time was 7.45... 15 minutes to go. The small table had been neatly arranged for a quiet, candle-lit dinner for two. The microwave was waiting to heat up what he'd cooked. The small stereo in the background softly played "Nice To Know You" by Incubus. The power chords of the song begging him to turn the volume up... but if she was on time, she'd walk in to "Wish You Were Here", and the rest of the songs were just perfect for dinner with her. There were two objects in the drawer in the table on which the stereo was placed... one was a gleaming, new razor blade, the other was a perfect red rose... he had plucked it this morning, after carefully making sure no one noticed. He smiled at the thought of opening the door for her, with the rose in his hand... its beauty only comparable to hers. He smiled again, and turned back to look out the window, thinking about her, and how his life had changed over the last few weeks.

Sarah had moved in from another city, and joined his school. She had immediately grabbed the attention of every boy (and girl) in the class. She was always smiling, had a friendly appearance and eyes to die for. She was asked out by no less than 4 boys in her very first week at school, and had politely turned them all down. Ethaniel had only ever spoken to her once, in Art class, when they were out on the lawns painting the horizon... she was sitting behind him, and happened to look into his canvas. As usual for Ethaniel, it was beautiful. She couldn't resist walking over and complimenting him. She spoke to him for not more than 10 minutes, the conversation consisting mostly of her asking questions, and him answering mostly in monosyllables, sometimes with a smile. After that, they smiled whenever they saw each other, and occassionally waved. He began to notice her even more, and soon couldn't take his eyes off her, watching as she conversed easily with her friends, always with that breath-taking smile on her face.

Four days ago, he was walking home with his earphones in his ears, looking straight down at the ground and thinking deeply about how imperfect life was, and how imperfect the world was and in comparison, how perfect she was. So absorbed was he in her thoughts, that he walked right into someone. He apologized and bent to pick up a small pile of fallen books. When he looked back up, he knew he was dreaming... there she was standing in front of him.

'Hi', she said, 'Sorry, I wasn't really looking where I was going'

'That's OK... how've you been? We haven't spoken since Art class'

'I've been good.'

... silence, as both stand up... she smiling gently at him, and he staring almost stupidly back at her. A few moments pass. With a blush, she says softly,

'Well, I guess I'd better go then... see you in class tomorrow?'

'Er.. yeah... sure...'

She turns around and starts to walk away... SAY SOMETHING, ETHANIEL!

-'Hey, wait!... I was... erm... would you like to get some coffee?'

She smiles - 'sure'

The conversation, and the 45 minutes that followed it, played again and again in his head, like a tape on repeat. He was quiet as usual, and the conversation was minimal, though she did smile every now and then. He was afraid he had probably bored her, but when he asked, she had agreed to meet him again. 2 days ago, he had called her, and invited her home for dinner. The conversation was short, and his heart was beating louder and faster than it ever had, he was sure. It was like a Utopian dream... she'd agreed.

Ethaniel only knew one way to show most of his emotions... he'd become even quieter. So quiet that often his friends would forget he was among them, until they saw a shadow move, looked up, and noticed he was there. He knew what they'd say if he told them the truth... "she's out of your league, man, she's not going to come"... perhaps he feared the same too... she was everything he would have loved to have been... she was full of life, she smiled at the smallest thing, she was adored, and wanted, and she reminded him of the colour white, while he was the black darkness... quiet and brooding, smiling only once in a blue moon, watching mostly from the shadows. He thought about this and frowned.

Suddenly, he looks at his watch. He had been so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed the time - 8.22pm; and then Ethaniel knew... she isn't going to come. He smiles wistfully at the moon, closing his eyes to feel the breeze on his face now growing stronger. He knew what he was going to do... he had already decided. He opens his eyes, and his moist eyes betray the smile on his lips. Quietly, he turns around to face the room filled with shadows, and like a shadow himself, moves softly to the table. With an almost inaudible sound, he opens the drawer, and looks down at the rose. He picks it up, and places it gently on top of the stereo... a much softer song is now playing, but it doesn't matter, and the sound waves fade into oblivion. As the tears well up, the room starts fading too. With steely determination, he puts his hand back inside the drawer, and retracts it, with the razor.

He looks down through the tears, into the reflected gleam of the candle's flame. A few quiet moments pass... while he waits for his mind to stabilize. Then, he thinks about her face one more time, turns his head away to look at the rose, and with one quick, quiet moment, slashes his wrist. The blood trickles warm quickly down his wrist, dripping down to the floor. He turns around, leans against the table, and slides down onto the ground, holding his bleeding wrist...

'It's jut a matter of time now... and it'll be over. I don't know what happens next, but it can only be better than what my life has become. Oh, the things I used to dream about accomplishing... oh, all my fantasies... oh, true love... these are the things I'll never know... this is my goodbye, then... please.... don't blame yourself...'
the minutes bleed away...

Suddenly - the sound of a footstep on the stairs outside! He opens his eyes. Within moments, a knock on the door... Could it be? Has she come? He sits up straight! He hears a voice calling his name! Oh Good God! It's her! He tries to get to his feet, but staggers and falls back down, dizzy. He tries to call out to her, but the sound doesn't come out. In desperation, he turns to look at the door, willing it to open. Suddenly, it does! There she is, standing at the doorway... dressed in a simple white dress... she's lovelier than he's even seen her, and her smile calms his heart.

'I'm still now... I have everything... I'm going out on a high... my life has been worth it to see you how I've seen you today'... and he smiles at these thoughts.

She suddenly notices him on the floor, and with a short, quick scream, she runs to him and kneels beside him. She looks down at him, tears in her eyes. He looks up at her and smiles... her eyes... 'I love you'... and slowly, everything fades to black.

--------

Author's Note : When posting comments, please let me know what you think happens next.

['Ginnis]

You have a very strong ability in description. You set up the character of Ethaniel in such a way as that I didn't feel immense sympathy for him, I had no feelings of "poor poor Ethaniel how cruel life is" but I still had an attatchment to him, a sort of respect for being an individual. The introduction of Sarah we executed so well as that I got excited however I'm not going to lie, I didn't care for the ending. Because of the way you made Ethaniel seem confident enough in himself so as not to be overwhelmingly depressed with the world, his attempt at suicide at the end seemed really out of place, I won't call it a weak cop-out but I think you may wish to revise the beginning if you want to keep the ending as it is.

You're biggest error (and I'm sure Sean mentioned it to you) was that you didn't keep the same verb tense. The scene where he bumps in to her on the street and when he realizes she's not coming were written in present while the rest of the story was written in past. This works only if you make a transition (and even if you do it's really hard to pull off eloquently). Best thing to do would probably be to put it all into past.

Other than that there were just a few little particulars. Grammatical crap and the like. Small technical edit will take care of it.

Congratulations on your first piece and keep up the good work!

[Gurdit]

You have a very strong ability in description. You set up the character of Ethaniel in such a way as that I didn't feel immense sympathy for him, I had no feelings of "poor poor Ethaniel how cruel life is" but I still had an attatchment to him, a sort of respect for being an individual.

That's what I was trying to go for, yes.

Because of the way you made Ethaniel seem confident enough in himself so as not to be overwhelmingly depressed with the world, his attempt at suicide at the end seemed really out of place

You're right. I hadn't noticed that before. Hmm... I'll try to see how to edit it. What I trying to go for was that Ethaniel is confident enough in himself, yet being alone has had a toll on him. He thinks of Sarah as the only good thing happening in his life as of this moment, and when he thinks she isn't going to come, he loses control.

You're biggest error (and I'm sure Sean mentioned it to you) was that you didn't keep the same verb tense.

I really really wanted the last part to be in present tense, but I couldn't keep the background in the same tense. I knew the tense wasn't probably very good, but I couldn't figure out how to fix it. Maybe I'll revise the whole thing from the beginning.

['Ginnis]

whatever makes you happy.

[Alex]

I really enjoyed this peice. i kept waiting for it to switch to a hospital where he was in intensive care, but, alas, he didnt. Still it was a good piece, though, you didnt give much reason for the high intellect. He could still be a loner and not care much for life as I slightly idiotic person. He didnt neccessarily need to be a genious, though, it was a nice touch.

[Gurdit]

i kept waiting for it to switch to a hospital where he was in intensive care, but, alas, he didnt.

You know the one thing I personally enjoyed about this piece? The ending is open. You can either choose to kill Ethaniel or have him shifted to intensive care

Still it was a good piece, though, you didnt give much reason for the high intellect. He could still be a loner and not care much for life as I slightly idiotic person. He didnt neccessarily need to be a genious, though, it was a nice touch.

You know... I wanted to portray Ethaniel as someone I would have liked to be. Initially, that's how he started out. However, I had to change the character a lot as the story developed in my head. Also I had to keep that intellect and uniqueness in his character in order to have Sarah be attracted to him.

[Rudy]

Lovely story. I will tell you the truth. I do not get passed the first few lines of most stories, but I was able to read this from beginning to end with enthusiasm. It is a wonderful story'. I would like to analyze this further.


I just learned something here. I learned that one can use single quotes around active dialogue.I always thought it was suppose to be double quotes.


Anyway, it is a fine story.I really enjoyed it. I think maybe he didn't die.Maybe she got help.

Man it's worse than pulling teeth trying to make a post on this site from my laptop. I keep getting the "session timed out" message. Anyway great story.One of the best I have read in a long time.

[Gurdit]

Originally Posted by Rudy

I learned that one can use single quotes around active dialogue.

I've read plenty of novels which utilize single quotes for active dialogue. It leaves double quote marks free for sarcasm or for quoting within an active dialogue.

Anyway great story.One of the best I have read in a long time.

Thanks

[Jon%]

Hmmm, I have to say I'm not a big fan of this one. Its a character study of sorts, but your character is completely one-dimensional and somewhat boring. He never really does anything. He's mature for his age, but what does that mean? He's excels in school, but so what. You paint broad stereotypical strokes on high school cliques putting him with freaks, but that tells us nothing.

Then there's a girl who takes interest because he paints well. Strange, but okay. Then they get some coffee. That's a start. Then he invites her over for dinner. Still okay, though its difficult to understand what her interest is when he doesn't really interact much (sympathy maybe?). Finally she's 22 minutes late and he commits suicide. Really? Really? How emo can you get? Not even a phone call first to see if she has a flat tire? Come on!

There's virtually nothing in the story to make this character sympathetic and when he behaves so irrationally at the end, whatever little there is vanishes completely.

I'm not a big fan of the teenage angst stuff but that doesn't mean this piece can't be improved. You're really going to have to flesh out the relationship between Ethaniel and his true love. And she's going to have to really hurt him before the suicide is believable. It would also be nice to flesh out a secondary character (maybe a fellow "freak"). Finally his biggest problem is that he's listening to Incubus...

[Gurdit]

Hehehe... when I wrote it, I really liked it. That may be because of the fact that I knew exactly who Ethaniel was, but I didn't put it on paper right, probably. So I can understand why this story is not so popular.

Finally his biggest problem is that he's listening to Incubus...

What's wrong with Incubus?

[Rudy]

Nonsense. This is an interesting story. I like it a lot. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I would rather not make a post than call someone's story boring. One can always make positive suggestions. I ike the story, but that's me. I suppose any story can be improved, but there is a good idea here.

[Gurdit]

Thanks for the comments, Rudy.
But honestly, I think I need to work on this one a lot more. The reason I liked it so much when I wrote it was because of the state of mind I was in when I wrote it. However, now that I've read and written a lot more, it does seem like something is missing in this story.

[Rudy]

The word caché comes to mind.

[Gurdit]

cache?
Temporary memory?

[foxblade]

Hmmm, his genius didn't really show too much significance in the story. If anything it wasted my time. Maybe he should have just been a nerd from the start, and not really some supernatural being. Then when you mentioned the full moon, I thouhgt it was going to be a story about a were-wolf.

Anyway, this story kept me reading. Is it the most spectacular allusion to Romeo and Juliette? Not really, but it had its strong points.

And what happens next?

Mom comes to visit and sees the razor blade in the girl's hand.

Muahahah! The plot thickens!

[Gurdit]

Hmmm, his genius didn't really show too much significance in the story. If anything it wasted my time. Maybe he should have just been a nerd from the start,

I know. I can understand where you're coming from.

And what happens next?

Mom comes to visit and sees the razor blade in the girl's hand.

hehehe.