[in_absentia]

Synopsis: The experiences of one young man at war.


I watch the sun rise after a long and cold night. My eyes are tired but hanging open. My body stiff. Aches pour out from every limb on my body. I wonder how I lasted…endured that last painful stretch. Each moment of suffocating terror will be ingrained in my memory.

Just like all the others.

It may surprise you to find that I didn’t want to be here. Oh sure, “Lets all give Germany a big kick in the ass,” might have been oh so quaint expression found spewing from my mouth three days ago but, I was stupid then. I didn’t know better then. I was surrounded by 100’s of others who were shouting the same thing then. I’m pretty sure I was sane then… but I’ll leave that for the psychologist to figure out later.

Let’s not talk about later, shall we? The past is more comforting. Just remembering my mother’s voice takes me away from this horrid reality to one that looks beautiful in my mind. I can see the excitement on her face when I finally rode that bike by myself. I spent two entire August weeks trying to tame that thing. I must have looked like a miniature band-aid mummy by the time I was able to keep my balance. The joy in her eyes at the moment I rode it made me forget that I was actually riding it. I felt like I had suddenly mastered the most complex art form known to man. I also remember her concern and stifled smile she had after a tree branch caught me in the face because I forgot that I was actually riding. She rushed over with a hand cover her grin. On my back, the wind M.I.A from my lungs, I was this close to crying… until I saw my mother laughing.

Then all I could do was laugh along.

I remember the smell of Sundays in the summer, those days that we’d bake cookies together; the sweetness of the chocolates melted with the soft summer breeze.

Now all I smell is death and blood.

It’s something you don’t expect about war… the smell is suffocating. Every time anything happens sulfur and smoke fill the air in brilliant upward explosions. Most of the time, it’s just grey blasts of dirt and red blasts of body. Some of the time fire and thunder are blinding while you pray for nothing to land on you. Then, when nothing is moving and nothing erupting, a new smell masks them all. When those other scents are around, it slinks between them so well that you’d think that they were one in the same. But it’s always there. Death: a dissonant harmonic that crescendos when you least expect it. When it does, it’s palpable and inescapable.

I’m being smothered by it now. Unfortunately, because of my hiding place, that phrase is terribly literal. Some poor soul’s knee is in my back. Another’s nose in my chest. Nothing makes sleep more difficult than a bed of bodies and my bed was full of them. Even still, thirteen hours later, my eyes won’t shut. They constantly take in the sights around me.

Slack-jawed expressions of tranquil torment from every angle. Directly above me, the pair of eyes that kept me company all last night. I stared into their soulless pupils until I thought I saw one wink. Not all their bodies are as lucky as mine. Dismembered limbs have settled to the side, waiting for someone who needs a replacement to stroll on by. Some assembly required.

I need to get out of here. These aged eyes above me dig for my soul and are stealing my humanity. I can’t believe the thoughts I’m having. I need to cleanse my brain. Scrub out the dirt. Take a bath. Sleep. Go home. Laugh again. Lord how I’d love to just laugh. Laugh at something pleasant like a child running a dog or a cat playing with a feather toy.

Something normal. Something human.

All these faces shame me for hiding here. And they’re right; this isn’t where I should be. There’s no place for a momma’s boy who was too stupid to take this seriously. Not under these bodies. Not in this country. Not in this war.

I’m leaving now.

Push away at the incubus eyes above me. Grunt and groan as I give it all I have to shove it away. The body doesn’t move. Can’t get leverage. Just sinking deeper. Try to kick with my feet… nothing again. Tears begin to slide down my cheek. Sun feels warm. Lips quiver. Silence deafens. I hear my own cries and clench shut my eyes.

In that instant I see her above me. My mother with her hand to her face trying to stop the laughter but it escapes her.

Now all I can do is laugh along.

[RENA HANDS]

Is it not past tense here…I (watched) the sun rise after a long and cold night. ?

Possibly…

Aches pour out from every limb (of) my body. ?

Possibly…together (with) the sweetness of melting chocolates with the soft summer breeze. ? Or something similar?

Possibly…

its just grey blasts of dirt and red explosions of decapitating parts.

(Or something similar?) You avoid using ‘blasts’ twice and give more specific imagery of the fighting body.

What is ‘tt’…smells are around (tt) slinks between them…? Did you intend 'it?'

You need a space between your fourth and fifth large paragraphs...

…sights around me.

Slack-jawed…(Unless of course they are the same one paragraph?)

Possibly…more difficult than a bed of bodies and (this grave was full of them.) Or something more specific and graphic. Perhaps also give some examples of disintegrating corpses?

I think your tenses are in contradictions to each other. Also you could give more ‘war’ graphics of the scene and its fallen/falling men. Where’s the enemy? There are many ways to incorporate humor and or action together, but I think your attempt here has failed. I will rate 1/5!

[in_absentia]

Thanks for your review Rena.

At the beginning of the story, it is in present tense. I prefer the story to seem as though it is happening at this very moment from the point of view of the narrator. However, if you noticed any real problems with that, please let me know and I'll gladly fix them. What may have been confusing is that I try to keep the tenses with in context of their actions. What his happening now is in present, and in the past the past. Since I'm writing this story as though I'm directly in a frightened young man's mind, I took some liberties with how traditional tense usage should be. However, if you feel that there are some places that really just don't make sense/work please let me know

I do agree that the line about the chocolates needs a little tweaking. The way I meant it to be read doesn't quite come through, does it? I'm thinking of changing it to "...together. The sweetness of the chocolates melted with the soft summer breeze." However... I don't like how the period forces such a long pause.

The repetition of "blasts" because, too me, in all the war movies I've ever seen, there is never much of a difference between explosives that land and those that miss. They sort of blur together into one massive chaotic hell hole where nothing is safe and you can't hardly tell what is what. I suppose it didn't all work the way I intended...

tt, is indeed it... curse Microsoft spell check lol

Thanks for telling me about the paragraph split... its hard to re-edit the stories when all the paragraph/indentations get stolen in the message window.

I hope this doesn't sound as defensive as I think it does because really, I just would like to explain what my intent of this piece was. It isn't supposed to be a humor piece. Yes there are is a funny line here and there, but that wasn't meant to be the entire focus of the piece. I also didn't want to include ton's of descriptions of graphic war effects because that isn't what this story is about. In fact, the battle itself doesn't matter in my mind because the true tale here is the mentality of a kid who had gone off to battle before he was ever truly ready. I hint at that near the beginning with the "three days ago" line. I also decided to only let the reader know what the narrator is willing to tell them. Because of the state of mind that he's in, I didn't feel as though he would go into great detail about death and dismemberment he had seen only hours ago.

I guess what I'm saying is; I see this as a dark psychological piece, not a war/humor/traditional piece. I don't know if that changes your opinion of this at all

[Vorcla]

I was okay with your use of tenses when I edited this; there was absolutely nothing wrong with them. They were fine within the context of the story.

This is very well done; satisfies the Vorcla criteria for "grittily realistic" - and yet there's an element of the surreal to it as well. Good job.

[in_absentia]

Thanks for your comment Vorcla. It's very nice to hear that you liked it and you didn't fell like I went go too far out there with my tenses like I was beginning to fear.

I'm starting to think this short is just going to be one that splits people's opinions for the reasons RENA described. I can really see why some people just wouldn't like it. And RENA, I apologize if I sounded a bit like an ass in my previous post... I have a tendency to come off badly when I try to explain myself. I shoot myself in the foot and then shortly after in the mouth sometimes XD

[Syrah]

I didn’t know better then. I was surrounded by hundreds of others who were shouting the same thing then. I’m pretty sure I was sane then… but I’ll leave that for the psychologist to figure out later.

With how you are using this word... it begs me to ask the question "Did you mean insane?"


And with this....

I remember the smell of Sundays in the summer, those days that we’d bake cookies together the sweetness of the chocolates melted with the soft summer breeze.

Might I suggest:

I remember the smell of Sundays in the summer, those days that we’d bake cookies together; the sweetness of the chocolates melted with the soft summer breeze.

Based off your earlier comments, I felt this might be a good way to execute your intentions.

Most of the time, its just grey blasts

IT'S.... it is the possession 'its' that has no apostrophe. The contraction does.

When those other smells are around, tt slinks

Pretty sure you meant 'it'

and bed was full of them. Even still, thirteen hours later, my eyes won’t shut. They constantly take in the sights around me.
Slack-jawed expressions of tranquil torment from every angle.

In this context, I suggest adding something inbetween 'and' and 'bed'... like 'my' or something like that.

Also, there is no break inbetween the two paragraphs there,

This piece, I rather like. Stark, naked reality. Ugly... but in war, it is those times when men cry for their mamas... and this--- this is a beautiful picture of the mother over her son, laughing. It is touching.

[Jimbalaya]

I watch the sun rise after a long and cold night. My eyes are tired, but hanging open. My body stiff.

You have that little fragment there, not a big deal, but you could easily eliminate it. 'My eyes are tire and hanging open, my body, stiff.' or some such.

When those other smells are around, tt slinks between them so well that you’d think that they were one in the same.

'it'.

Some poor soul’s knee is in my back. Another’s nose in my chest.

You could probably combine these two sentences and make it a bit less choppy.

Slack-jawed expressions of tranquil torment from every angle.

Should probably insert the word 'me' after 'torment'.

All these faces shame me for hiding here. And they’re right, this isn’t where I should be.

need to replace that comma with a semi-colon after the word 'right'.

Tears begin to slid down my cheek.

'slide'

Not a bad little story. The end was particularly chilling to me for some reason. You have no problem with your imagery, the bed of bodies made me squirm. There was a line in there that just flattened me:

These aged eyes above me dig for my soul and are stealing my humanity.

I can't even begin to tell you what an incredible line that is. Very nice.

Overall, it was interesting, that little vision to the past and the references to being a walking band-aid were fantastic. Nice job with this. Keep it up!

[in_absentia]

@Syrah:

I did intend to use sane.

Thankyou for your line suggestion. I think that's perfect for what I'm trying to achieve with it.

It's and Its are two words that I always get confused... even after 4 years of grammar in grade school and another 2 in Highschool. One of these days I'll get it set straight, but until then, thank you for correcting me

I also like "my bed." Until now, the only word I could think of to fit there was "this" and that never seemed right- almost like it was a punchline to a joke- so I just left it as it was. lol

@Jimbalaya:

Well, the choppiness throughout this piece was intentional. It's something I'm trying to get to balance out with longer sentences so there is a real sense chaos that is contrasted with more elaborate and proper sentences. I can see why "my body stiff" didn't feel right because it is so early in the piece... but I'm wondering how you felt about the rest of the story and my use of fragments/shorter sentences there.

"Should probably insert the word 'me' after 'torment'." While I see what you mean, that changes my intention. I wanted the eyes to seem like they were projecting torment; as though they were a fountain (or something like that). I felt like adding "me" robbed it of that feeling. Is there a different way to express what I was trying to? One that will make it clearer without overdoing it?

Double thanks for catching some minor errors, I always seem to miss the littlest things.

"I can't even begin to tell you what an incredible line that is." hahaha, now you're making me blush :3 Thank you

I'd like to thank the two of you for giving your opinions and corrections to my story. I love to hear what everyone thinks and I'm glad to hear you both enjoyed my work.

Also, the story should be edited now.

[Peppy]

Demented attributes in the story makes this one unique. When I read the first few paragraphs, I thought, "Another war-like story. Damn." I only thought it because most are either original or cliched. This story has both, in my opinion. The enjoyed the war and flashback. But the war was shallow, needs research material, but you did a good job at capturing the horrific scene involved in war. Hmmmmmmmm...

I like the madness approach to the story. What's a story without madness? Nothing. Well, not nothing, I'm just saying I like psychology.

Good read, dude.

She rushed over with a hand cover her grin.

over ??? to cover ???

[Ambrose]

I really like the image of the boy fallen off his bike and looking up apprehensively at his mom, who is laughing. The story came full circle, ending with the same image, and I thought that was pretty neat. I honestly don't know what to say about the war part. I'm not a big fan of war stories, mainly of writing them, because its hard not to sound cliche and even harder to hide the truth that you haven't actually been in a war, or talked to someone who has. Maybe you have, I don't know, but I certainly haven't. I think it is a touch presumptuous to try to write about something you've never come within ten miles of experiencing, but at the same time that is what makes fiction writing what it is. The writer has to step out into the unknown and find truth, or make it. I think your voice came through strong, which is good, but at times it sounded too much like an imagined story about war than a story about a man's life. War to me, is a subject which you need time to let sink in. This felt terribly rushed; the brief descriptions of the dead bodies don't really do it (war) justice.

The only real gritty war story I've read is All Quiet on the Western Front. I think the fact that most war stories occupy lengthy novels, and not short stories, speaks to the argument I was making that war is a complex beast, and its effects on the men who take part in it even more so.

[RENA HANDS]

TYs for the ‘tense’ clarification for me English isn’t my first language.

So I too could’ve been in the wrong while reading it. My apologies for this and know u are not the only one to experience this either. Be relieved, I’m working on it…lol

We learn as we grow, and when we write we most definitely learn. And TY god (lol) for the so many readers/writers of the site to catch or question our errors/intent.

Yes, I too hate ‘spell check.’ TY god (lol) for Webster.

I tell many that there paragraphs/sentences are or not separated properly.

The ‘war,’ whatever its situation…doesn’t it greatly effect the mind of each soldier. I think that the war in this situation most greatly effects the ‘state of mind’ of ur character and therefore may hold more value to the story itself.

I could be wrong.

A ‘war’ greatly alters the ‘world’s view’ especially to a child? Yes?

Without it, how does ur character ‘live?’ How does he survive or change because of it?

My opinions always change whenever I read something more than once. Because usually I’ve learned something new to it.

Feel free to exchange with me anytime. I love making new friends.