[Jon%]

Synopsis: A woman is held captive by a demon in a cathedral.

In the darkness of the empty cathedral, a whispered gasp escaped Emily's lips. A clammy hand gripped her bare shoulder. She tried to shrink away but it followed, and once she was on her knees and inert, it began to caress her back and arms. Choking disgust welled up from her bowels and she heaved. A voice like radio static rasped softly.

"You force me to punish you."

A whip then whispered through the air and as the lashes began she felt relief. For the touch of the whip was preferable to the touch of its hand. Still she tensed, each stroke stinging more than the last.

The lashes finally paused and she slowly let the muscles in her back relax. She didn't dare move until she heard the soft whisper of wings receding into the rafters. She slowly turned her head. It was gone. Using the arm of a pew she dragged herself to her feet, her hope for freedom draining with the rivulets of blood dripping from her back.

#

In the cathedral, a full moon had shown through tall windows, casting a ghostly light. Now, as she returned to the crypt, the moon stayed behind leaving her in total darkness. But she knew her way and instinctively stepped through the corridor to her room. Once there, she sat down at the piano. It had been there as long as she. The keys were firm, the tone was rich, and when she played, the sounds echoed throughout the old building.

She started a song she'd played a thousand times. It was an old folk song of life and loss and hope. The room was pitch black, but her fingers knew exactly where to go for they'd memorized the journey. As she began to sing, the darkness faded and suddenly she was back in an old inn. A fire burned within a huge stone hearth and the flames pierced the darkness. The room was filled with worn, wooden tables, the tables with patrons of low birth. They smiled and sighed and swayed to the music. Many eyes had faraway looks and they mouthed the words as she sang.

As the song progressed, the pain in her back began to fade. The escape provided by the music was the next best thing to a real escape. Her voice soared as she reached the chorus.

#

The notes of the song found their way to the rafters of the cathedral. Like always the music relaxed the demon's troubled mind. For thousands of years he had toiled in the pits of hell. Unspeakable horrors had occurred. Things he never could have imagined in the days before the rebellion. Now this music made those memories fade. His black heart swelled, and ever so slightly, it healed.

#

The demon's name was Barbas and he had taken refuge in the cathedral several decades previously. What had once been a thriving mountain village had been wiped out by plague. Now undergrowth threatened to overwhelm the remaining buildings. But the cathedral, though gray and weatherworn, stood as a testament to a lost age.

For Barbas, it was all very melancholy. Things were too quiet. He had all the time in the world and he thought back to his days in heaven before the fall. Those had been good days. Above all else he missed the music. He spent hours, days, sometimes months, trying to remember the songs, to relive the sounds of the beautiful melodies. But all he could hear were the screams of mortals as they were contorted, burned, and impaled in the depths of the abyss. This had been his reward for joining Lucifer's rebellion and he looked back on his decision with intense bitterness.

For years after he had fled his work in the underworld, Barbas never left the cathedral. He was terrified of recapture. But this meant a slow decline into the depths of insanity. And so he took to flights in the late hours on moonless nights when his silhouette would not stand out against the black sky. It was on one of these nights that he discovered Emily.

It was a warm summer evening and light from the inn spilled out into the streets of the town. The music escaped with the light and the notes floated up as he circled overhead. Emotion surged within him as he listened. He was so entranced by the song that he almost crashed to the earth.

For many nights after, he returned to the inn to hear her music. He became bolder and bolder, even going so far as to sit on the eaves of the roof. But this was to his detriment and one night, when the moon was full, a townsperson spotted him, wings unfurled. A shrill scream brought others running and though he made a hasty retreat, the people of the town kept a watchful eye. It wasn't long before his appearances were associated with Emily's music and one night, she was taken to the center square to be burned for witchcraft. He watched the drama unfold from the air with horror. Her music had become so much a part of his existence that he couldn't fathom life without it. As the fire began to burn around her, he swooped out of the sky. With claws, he quickly cut her free from the stake and, much to the consternation of the mob, carried her away.

Emily did not take well to the rescue and lay stiff in his arms. By the time they reached the cathedral, she was catatonic. He took her to the crypt and then left to find a piano.

For a long time she regularly attempted escape, but she never made it far and he always discouraged her from trying again. He felt remorse at the pain he caused. He recognized the selfishness in keeping her here for himself. But when she played and sang, he could close his eyes and imagine that he was once more back in heaven... home. It wasn't much, but it was all he had.

And so the days passed, and a routine was established. Every day was a constant struggle for Emily's spirit. Her imprisonment and close association with a demon dragged her down, but then she would sit at the piano. Each song she played rolled back the despair making her existence tolerable.

#

Then one morning, Emily awoke to a change. She didn't notice it immediately and she lay quietly on her back, lost in her thoughts. Suddenly her stomach reminded her that she'd not yet been brought food. Sounds of a struggle made their way down the halls to her place in the crypt. She felt a mixture of confusion, fear, and hope. Was she being rescued? Had something even more terrifying found its way to her prison? Eventually, she got up her nerve and tiptoed out.

It was indeed morning and bright light shone through arches and broken windows. There were several demons in the cathedral and she found it difficult to pick out her captor. Only through reasoning did she decide that he was the one surrounded by his counterparts. But it was not this influx of demons that paralyzed her with fear. It was something much worse standing over the group. Its skin was tough and scaly, it had wings that spanned the room, and flames were expelled with every exhale of breath. Barbas, whom so often she'd feared, now was the terrified one.

"You will return as one of us or you will return condemned," roared the beast and the cathedral shook.

Emily could barely hear Barbas' response as her ears rang, "I cannot go back and do your evil work. Every cell, every nerve, all that is me rebels against it."

She felt a moment of sympathy for him, but even more awe at one who would defy so ferocious a beast. And then it turned its eyes on her.

"This is she who bewitches your mind?"

She stiffened.

"Yes," came Barbas' reply.

The beast raised its head and bellowed with rage. Flames shot forth scorching the ceiling. And then the evil, horn-covered head faced her again. She had never known true fear until that moment. She had no thought of escape for she saw in his eyes that her fate was sealed.

Quite unexpectedly, Barbas flew free from those who held him. Once again he took her in his arms and tried to save her from the fire. But unlike before, there was nowhere to go. A wall of flame surrounded them both and they were consumed.

#

And then, in the next instant, they both stood side by side at the gates of heaven. The gates opened and as they stepped through, a host of angels created a path. Somehow Emily knew that the song they sang was the equivalent to cheering. She reveled in its beauty as she made her way through the throng to where God awaited. When they reached Him, they fell to their knees. He immediately took her hand and pulled her to her feet.

"Never before has a demon from the rebellion been reclaimed and all of heaven rejoices. Welcome my child. You make music worthy of the angels and so, you will always have a place among us."

Tears filled Emily's eyes. God stepped aside and behind him stood a golden piano with ivory keys. He gestured toward it and, as if in a dream, she went to it and began to play. For a while, all of heaven quieted to hear her songs.

#

Man I thought this was great. I normally get sick of the whole demon thing in stories, seems a little overplayed, but what isn't nowadays? But I enjoyed this. I appreciated your style of writing, simple sentences yet they form the parts of a wonderfully crafted story. I couldn't help but feel for both these characters, on different levels. That is effective writing.

For a while, all of heaven quieted to hear her songs.

What an ending, seriously. Beautiful.

I could see this being developed into a much bigger story. WIth the developments and evolution that can occur through a larger story I actually this this would be an amazing read. Things such as this:

For a long time she regularly attempted escape, but she never made it far and he always discouraged her from trying again.

I wanted to know about these, that is what makes great writing, keeping the reader want more.

He felt remorse at the pain he caused.

Again, if this was developed I'd love to read more about the inner turmoil the demon was facing.

Great writing, great job jonny.

[angel]

excellent piece jt. brill plot n flow. u tell it well

[Masa]

Awesome. I love a story about demons and angels and the like. Of course, just looking at my writings might reflect that! Very nice, good thing you gave me the link and I was so curious no?

[WingcommanderIV]

Okay, I'm gonna do the comment thing where I type stuff as I read, and then give my final opinion at the end. Lets begin, shall we?

Different title, don't know how I stand on it yet, kinda like it, we'll see how it reflects your story. But so far so good.

What's a demon doing holding a woman captive in a cathedral. Usually people in cathedrals hold Demons captive, not the other way around!

Choking disgust welled up from her bowels and she heaved. <--- Nice...and eew

okay, this is kinda kinky

In the cathedral, a full moon had shown through tall windows, casting a ghostly light. <--- we already know that they're in a cathedral. You're uselessly repeating yourself, just say "A full moon shown through the tall, discolored windows, casting a ghostly light upon the row of benches" or something. I was trying to think of another word for those benches, but nothing came to mind.

Pianos are always cool in a horror story, real creepy.

Ooo, this is really good so far.

Rebellion? interesting. And as for the torments of hell, I like the angle your providing with that. It's cool, for more on people recouping from spending an eternity in hell, check out season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But you probably wont so yeah, just, kinda reminded me of somethign that happens in that season.

I'm starting to understand why he's in a cathedral. This is a really awesome story.

What motive, man this is so good!!!

And it's done.

So, she plays for a while, sings, gets tired, stops, and then god pulls out a whip, whips her and forces her to keep playing? That'd be cool.

But in all seriousness, that was amazing...if only it was longer. Your story grabbed hold of me, but I definately think the ending should have been longer, like the part where the demon saves her. I think you should have shown his redmption. See, he imprisoned her, and was mean to her, and tortured her, but her music changed him, and I think when the time came that he was forced to make the choice of doing the right thing, or falling back into his own ways, well we should have seen more of that. He should have escaped with her, and apologized not only for what he'd done, but also for getting her involved in this nightmare. The Satan would hunt them down, and the demon would choose to fight him and die, in the hopes that he'd give her time to escape. He doesn't but the act of doing so gets him into heaven, and she of course gets to heaven cause she can play the piano, and they need a new Piano girl.

[Jon%]

Thanks a lot Wingcommander. Those are some great ideas. I was so inspired by your post that I moved my story from "Completed Works" to "Works in Progress" on my hard drive and started expanding on the final showdown scene. We may get this up to 2000 words yet...

[WingcommanderIV]

I look forward to your Extended cut :p

Just make sure it's digitally remastered, and Greedo shoots first.

[Merrywinds]

This has got to one of the best stories I've ever read - just beautiful. A rebel demon was a magnificent idea. Also, the music and the demon's obsesssion were a nice bit of work. Your writing was almost perfect and the forms in the text kept me enthralled.

The story was very touching also, a thing that is not found around the internet so easily. Respect for that. The ending and the way the story carried the element of music all the way to the ending was also good.

[EternalPen]

Hmm, I was a bit nervous to read this because people useually get it all wrong when they try to write about angels and demons. Though my Bible lets me know that some of these things contradict it, I know that this is just fiction and is not trying to insult my religion in any way. I respect that.
This is an excellent story! It was filled with wonderful description, a captivating storyline (for it being as short as it was) and overall, entertaining until the end. Thank you for this excellent read, and keep this good work flowing!

[Jon%]

Thanks for the kind words guys Merry and Eternal.

Eternal, your comment got me thinking about how this story began percolating in my head. As a child, I once asked my mom if sin would disappear if Satan asked God for forgiveness. She told me that Satan and his angels could be forgiven but would never ask. In some ways, this story is an attempt to rebel against that idea. So in a way, I am attempting to buck conventional, traditional christian belief with this story. However, I'm still glad you were able to appreciate it for what it was.

[B.C.Conner]

This peice is spectacular. I felt that the cathedral and Emily's song played out in my head. it was like watching a movie from inside the story. its amazing just how beautiful pain can seem with this story.

[Maud]

As I Read:
I find the sudden breaks crack up the continuity. It's hard to maintain a flow in a story if it keeps on getting broken.

The beginning seemed as if not to fit with the rest of the piece. "You force me to punish you."

A whip then whispered through the air and as the lashes began she felt relief. For the touch of the whip was preferable to the touch of its hand. Still she tensed, each stroke stinging more than the last."

The tone is one of a sadistic demon at the beginning but a pained one later on, however this character is not being developed because nothing changed him. Is he sadistic or pained?

Also you make many psuedo religous references which were confusing and out of place. Always know your audience. Is your audience those that know alot about JudeoChristian mythology or not? If you didnt mention it so much it would have been better. Or explained things like The Fall or Rebellion. As I read I expected you to go into later talk about his experiences through those matters, but you did not. It felt like a tree with its branches cut off. You have these stubs that lead to nowhere.

Analysis:
Characters:
Two characters here worth talking about Barbas and Emily.
Barbas. A demonic sometimes sadistic sometimes pained. He is the character who has the most contradictions but yet the best. He says he's sorry that he has to punish her at the beginning for trying an escape but yet touches her something he must know pains her. If he was truley sorry he wouldnt do anything extra. And if he wasnt truley sorry he wouldnt fell bad about being selfish which he mentions he is later on.

Also I don't understand why he is keeping her prisioner. He has no romantic attraction to her as so far as I can tell. All I can get from is it is he wants to listen to music, and she wants to play it. I think I need to see some more conflict between the two. A deeper reason for her imprisonment.

Emily. We really know nothing about her. She could be a child molesting fetus eating serial killer. We only see her pained by Barbas which makes her completly undeveloped an not worthwhile. It just seems like you need to add more to her. Make her whole, let her experiance more than fear and such.

However Emily does change which is refreshing for this site. she comes to terms with with Barbas which is good. The reason she does isn't. From what I can tell she dosent like Barbas because she is a prisoner. That is your conflict. There are only way for this conflict to be resolved, she is no longer his prisoner. However, this can be acheived two seperate ways she is free, or she dosen't mind being a prisoner, hence not being one anymore. This conflict is resolved when she see's Barbas stuggle:

"Emily could barely hear Barbas' response as her ears rang, "I cannot go back and do your evil work. Every cell, every nerve, all that is me rebels against it."

She felt a moment of sympathy for him, but even more awe at one who would defy so ferocious a beast. And then it turned its eyes on her."

She sees hes not evil. Thats jimdandy but that has nothing to do with her being imprisoned because the asshole wants to hear music. The conflict isn't resolved until they both die.

Plot:
The best way to say it is, the plot had alot of problems. The above of course but more.
"he had fled his work in the underworld, Barbas never left the cathedral. He was terrified of recapture"
First of all why did he flee his work in the underworld, it would have been nice if that was explained. Also later on... " "This is she who bewitches your mind?" " What did she have to do with it? So he loved her music that dosent make someone one good. Hitler loved to dance but that didn't prevent the Holocaust. Also it couldn't have been her it contradicts the fact he left the underworld earlier for another reason.

"Never before has a demon from the rebellion been reclaimed and all of heaven rejoices."
He was also reclaimed far before she came around. It was his own will that led him to flee from hell, she had nothing to do with it. All she did if anything was get the poor guy killed, which as a demon I don't see it as possible.

Imagery:
Average but thats ok. Unless that is a focal point while writting it this depth of imagery is ok.

Final Thoughts:
I dont know what the big thing about this story is, frankly I didn't like it. The pound signs were in some cases unnecessary took me out of the story. Everytime you do that you remind the reader this isn't happening. Then you have to work in the next segment to draw them back in to your world. Its possible but difficult. Try not to do it, and when you do remember everytime you have do it all again from scratch, that is get the reader involved again.

Also look for plot holes. There will always be a prick like me who is just waiting for you to mess up, dont give us the satisfaction. My advice to alot of the writers on this site would be to consider what makes people feel the way they do and work that into your stories. My biggest problem that collapsed the entire thing for me was their crappy no base sometimes noexistant ephinanies. Have you ever been transformed from evil to good by music, I grant music might have changed your mood but not who you are. And if it has that really means nothing because Barbas never really changed!

[DragonLover]

its good keep on writin stories

[DarkStar]

I don't really want to read what others have commented..... As I'm scared that what I want to say has already been said by others.

I loved the plot. Brilliant stuff, seriously. The flow, I don't want to lie, at the beginning it couldn't used some work but it picked up very nicely later.

Description, there seemed to be a lack of, but this is one of those stories that don't really need description.

I say, good job. You deserve a fair amount of recognition for this.

[Jon%]

Wow strange, your reviews are awesome and humbling. Thanks for all the feedback. Its very helpful.

Darkstar, I appreciate your kind words as well.

[RENA HANDS]

I was very disappointed for the following reasons; the first, what more did this demon look like. Second, what did this "Emily," woman look like? Why did the villagers not just destroy the cathedral before? What did the other demons look like? And why was there no greater detail about their struggle, even if they did die? God just forgave that easily?

"A whip then whispered through the air and as the lashes began, she felt relief."

"Using the arm of a pew, she dragged herself to her feet, her hope for freedom draining with the rivulets of blood dripping from her back."

"They smiled, sighed, and swayed to the music."

"Always, the music relaxed the demon's troubled mind."

"Therefore, he took to flight in the late hours on moonless nights when his silhouette would not stand out against the black sky."

"It was not the this influx of demons that paralyzed her with fear."

"Once again, he took her in his arms and tried to save her from the fire."

[adrianhayter]

To be honest, this is not my favorite genre but the imagery is good so I thought I might make a few comments.

Choking disgust welled up from her bowels and she heaved

'heaved' seem's out of place with this type of story.

Maybe - Choking disgust welled up deep from within her bowels and vomit spewed across the stone floor.

A voice like radio static rasped softly.

Radio static doesn't fit dark cathedral.

A whip then whispered through the air and as the lashes began she felt relief. For the touch of the whip was preferable to the touch of its hand. Still she tensed, each stroke stinging more than the last.

The majority of your writing is too good to allow this. This must be an active paragraph, it's written passive.
With relief, she heard the whisper of the whip and felt the lashes cut across her back. The touch of the whip was preferable to the touch of his hand. Still she tensed, as each stroke punished her more than the last.

The lashes finally paused and she slowly let the muscles in her back relax. She didn't dare move until she heard the soft whisper of wings receding into the rafters. She slowly turned her head. It was gone. Using the arm of a pew she dragged herself to her feet, her hope for freedom draining with the rivulets of blood dripping from her back.

I love the soft whisper of wings but you used whisper to describe the whip. I'm not an authority on bondage but I'm pretty sure that