[ms_mae572]

Synopsis: Enter Jovanna. A beautiful teenage girl with a dark secret. Read on for more...

Chapter One

The door opened and Jovanna slowly crept out into the tall trees surrounding her house. She looked back to where her family was fast asleep. She would never see them again. Her pale violet eyes took in her surroundings. Every rustle in the trees was heard by her ears and no movement went unseen from her eyes. Slowly, she began to walk away from her house. There was no need to sleep tonight. She crossed the bridge that divided her territory from the rest. She walked noiselessly through the maze of trees, never taking her eyes off the bushes around her. A deer caught her attention. It was grazing near her. She left her path and silently crept toward it. The deer hadn’t heard her approaching. The kill was rapid. The grazing animal didn't stand a chance. Jovanna finished her prey and silently walked back to the path. There was a meeting tonight.

“Jovanna, my dear, how good to see you!” the tall man spoke. He was her leader and had a certain air of authority about him.

“A pleasure to see you again, Constantine” Jovanna said, smiling as she shook his hand. He smiled back, it was hard not to. Her radiant smile shone brightly and her violet eyes penetrated his soul. Her dark brown hair framed her face and Constantine found himself lost in her charm and beauty.

“Please,” he said as he took her other hand, “Come meet the rest of the clan.” He led her through the candle-lit cave and down dozens of corridors. He opened a wooden door and led her into the meeting room. Hundreds of others were already there. They were softly talking amongst themselves and a few turned to look at Constantine and Jovanna as they walked through the door. Constantine smiled, flashing his vampire-like fangs, and waved to the few that had acknowledged him.

“I didn’t realize how many of us there were,” she whispered softly to her guide.

“There are many more of us then even these hundred or so. This is just one clan. There are thousands of others, just like ours, all over the world,” Constantine explained. They continued to walk toward the front of the room. Constantine let out a sharp cry and the room silenced. Jovanna watched in amazement as hundreds of eyes turned towards Constantine.

“Welcome to my home. It’s great to see you all again. I would like to begin our ceremony by introducing you to the newest member of our clan, Jovanna Valentine. Please make her feel welcome into our family,” Constantine said as he flashed a radiant smile towards Jovanna. She smiled back and waved to her hundreds of new family members.

“Thank you for letting me find refuge with you all. Just last week did I first meet Constantine out in the woods and I never realized there were so many of our kind out there. Thank you, I appreciate every one of you,” Jovanna smiled after her small speech. The hundreds of others around her clapped and the few near her patted her on the back and gave her a small hug.

“Thank you, Jovanna. I’m sure you will find all we have to offer you to your liking,” Constantine said as he took and kissed the top of her hand. Jovanna blushed and looked away. Constantine Kennedy was gorgeous. He had beautiful light blue eyes, a tall muscular figure, and straight brown hair. His eyes seemed to shimmer when he looked at Jovanna.

“Now, I think you all know why we are gathered here tonight,” he snarled to the clan, “I am very disappointed in you all. First, you were almost seen!” The crowd snarled in defense.

“It wasn’t our fault!” a woman yelled, “Those disgusting creatures happened upon us as we were doing target practice in the field!”

“I don’t care that they just ‘happened upon’ you! I care that you continued your target practice in open sight! You are extremely lucky that I created a distraction so you could escape their prying and vile eyes. Do you understand what could happen if a couple of humans just happened to figure out who we are?” Constantine waited for an answer, “We would no longer be living happily. They would hunt us down and kill us. This clan only has one rule: Never be seen. How hard is that for you to follow? Do you really want Jovanna to think so badly of us? Do you think that we’re just a bunch of immortals trying to ruin the lives of others?” He gazed at the group sternly. Most bowed their heads in shame and others looked away from his strong gaze. Jovanna watched in amusement as the clan cowered in fear of their leader’s wrath.

“That is all,” Constantine said sternly, “You are dismissed.” His gaze fell back to Jovanna, who was watching as the hundreds of other immortals walked out of the room. A young man waltzed up to Jovanna and took her hand in his.

“It is very nice to meet you, Jovanna,” he began, “I’m François, but you can just call me Frank.” He lifted Jovanna’s hand and leaned to kiss it, but Constantine’s fierce snarl got in the way. Frank hurriedly ran off and left Jovanna standing with Constantine.

“It was nice to meet you, Frank!” she yelled into the distance, then she turned to Constantine, “What’s with the snarl? He was just introducing himself!” Constantine turned toward her.

“Frank is not your type,” he said casually.

“Then what is my type?” Jovanna snapped back.

“It’s considered rude to be so disrespectful to your host,” Constantine told her, “And I do believe your type is me.” The tall man smiled at her and Jovanna blushed.

“Well,” she huffed, “We’ll see about that!”

“Very well, I’ll take you to your room,” Constantine said as he marched off in the direction of her sleeping quarters. He stopped at a wooden door.

“Is this my room?” Jovanna asked.

“Yes, and my room is right across from yours,” he said, motioning to the door across the hall, “Please, feel free to wake me if you have a problem.” He smiled and walked off to his room. Jovanna opened her door and stepped inside her new room. The bed was enormous. The bathroom was enormous and the closet was enormous. Jovanna soon realized that her room was enormous. It was bigger than the house she used to share with her old family. The family who had wasted sixteen years raising a girl that ran away to find a new family. Jovanna looked back to her old life. She was often told that she looked just like her mother. If only they knew how much of a monster Jovanna had become. She was a killing machine that was born for speed and hunting. She had trained every day to become the best at what she was. Now, she was living with her own kind. She would be able to hunt right along side another hybrid immortal. In two years, Jovanna would stop aging. She would turn eighteen and look it for the rest of eternity. She would be a fully developed monster. Already she was growing muscles and soon her beauty would change to match her fierce identity. She would look and act the part. She had seen most of the others in the underground clan, so many of them were already fully grown. They were beautiful and muscular, and their many days spent in the sun had left them slightly bronzed.

Jovanna changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed. She pulled the covers over her head and closed her eyes. A soft knock on her door stopped her from falling asleep. She sighed and walked over to the door. Constantine stood outside her door as she opened it.

“Hello, I hope I haven’t woken you,” Constantine began, “But I needed to know something. Do you have a mate?” Jovanna looked at him curiously.

“Why do you ask?” she questioned. Constantine blushed and looked at his shoes.

“Well, I don’t have one and I wanted to know if you were interested in me as a potential mate, not just as your leader,” Constantine spoke softly and carefully.

“I don’t know I’m only sixteen and you must be a lot older than me…”Jovanna explained.

“I’m only three years older than you. I should be nineteen, I am quite young to be a leader, but my family has been leading this clan since day one. After my father was killed, I took over,” Constantine whispered.

“Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try it out. You are quite handsome, you know?” Jovanna whispered as she stroked his outstretched palm. Constantine smiled and kissed her softly on the cheek before turning back to his quarters. Jovanna smiled to herself and shut her door. She walked back to her bed and climbed inside the warm covers.

['Ginnis]

So I did the edit on this and found nothing bothersome mechanically however!

I recommend you work on the tail ending here. I know you have more to come but it's awfully abrupt. The flow of this is rather choppy but your voice is strong which is why I chose to put it in advanced as opposed to amateur. Focus on characterization through dialogue as well. You're building up the vampires in a very classical way. Keep that going.

[Peppy]

Violet eyes. You must like anime or fantasy...

Anyways, I thought the voice was good. It was innocent and simple. I think this would have been perfect for young adults and/or teens. somewhere there. The descriptions were simple, needs little more detailing though. But I thoroughly enjoyed what I read so far. The spark of romance was good, it wasn't full blown, not at the moment anyways. I'm interested in what happens naxt.

Good, keep up your writing. I read your writing and I see a potential talent bursting through.

Major problem:

“It wasn’t our fault!” a woman yelled,(<--Put a period there - if there's a capital there-->) “Those disgusting creatures....


“It wasn’t our fault!” a woman yelled, <--This is a complete clause, or thought, and it needs a period. You would use a comma if you were continuing a dialogue sentence.


“It wasn’t our fault!” a woman yelled. “Those disgusting creatures....

[Jimbalaya]

Well, I'm not clear on exactly what these beings are. I wonder if you could make that more prominent in the story? I wasn't fond of the description of her room, the repeted work 'enormous' was a bit much. I think you could save that word for the final sentence that sums up the room but put some different descriptives in there about her room.

The dialogue seemed a bit stiff and unnatural, maybe it is supposed to be, maybe not. There are several people here that are excellent at dialogue. It might pay to read some of their stories and get a feel for natural dialogue.

I thought the story was interesting, but I agree that the ending to this chapter was rather abrupt. That's not to say that it is not a good time to stop the chapter but I think it needs to be softer, not as sharp. One moment we are in the thick of the story, the next there is a drop off with nothing to ease the fall. I'd work on that, maybe describe how she falls into sleep, what she may be dreaming. Maybe a subtle hint at what comes next. Something to keep the reader hooked.

Technically, I thought the writing was sound. I didn't notice anything that stood out but I'm no professional. I'm looking forward to seeing what this story is about and where it leads. Keep going!

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by ms_mae572;

Every rustle in the trees was heard by her ears and no movement went unseen from her eyes.

Want to try to avoid passive voice as much as possible. "She heard every rustle in the trees" would be fine.

"Unseen by" would be better. Actually, "...no movement went unseen" would be sufficient.

Couple of things: sentence variety. You have a lot of short, choppy ones. Some variety would be nice. Try to find ways to link some of the shorter ones together, possibly using conjunctions.

E.g.; I went to see him. He didn't want to see me.

Improved: I went to see him; however, he didn't want to see me.

Also, as Jimbo mentioned, the dialogue needs a little work. I would recommend reading prose pieces on the site by Bluejay or 'Ginnis to see some examples of really great dialogue.

I kind of came to a screeching halt when I got to the part where Constantine says, "Hey, babe, you got a mate?" Seemed to come out of the blue. The ending, again, seems abrupt; however, you probably have more parts to write for this. It might not seem so sudden in that cointext.

Now - don't take this as an all-negative comment - it's not meant to be. You show a lot of promise. I'm just trying to offere some ideas to help you improve. You have some good bits in there. I especially liked "He lifted Jovanna’s hand and leaned to kiss it, but Constantine’s fierce snarl got in the way." Fresh approach. Keep at it; it comes with practice.

Rick

[ea_blue]

It seems everyone else has already said the things I would've said. So I will only add this: Jovanna's mood changes too rapidly for my taste. At one point she says...

“Well,” she huffed, “We’ll see about that!”

...and very shortly afterward his ham-handed come-on...

“Well, I don’t have one and I wanted to know if you were interested in me as a potential mate..."

...is surprisingly well-received! She should've been made him work for it more especially after he pissed her off.

Romances have more energy if you build the sexual tension first. You build it by showing that one or both have an interest but that interest ( for one reason or another ) stays unrequited. The longer the two continue an interest without resolving it, the greater the sexual tension. If you draw it out long enough you'll build enough heat to set fire to the pages (or the monitor), hehehe.

My suggestion to you (and it's only an idea) is to have Jovanna make him work for it. And the harder Constantine tries to impress her the more he pisses her off! But through it all she knows and likes the fact that he's trying. A good rule of thumb - torture your characters. It builds the energy of the story.

[ms_mae572]

okay got a lot of replies. Here it goes:

Reply to Ginnis:
Thanks for editing it! And these beings aren't quite vampires, but you'll just have to wait for chapter 2...

Reply to Peppy:
I actually don't like anime all that much. I've just always liked the thought of having violet eyes, its cute hehehe.
And te whole period/comma mistake....they're right next to each other on the keyboard.....

Reply to Jimbalaya:
Yeah, the ending is pretty abrupt, but the next chapter pretty much picks up where I left off, so it works out. The dialouge is it a bit stiff, I'm still working on it...

Reply to Vorcla:
Yes, Constantine's mate-thing comes out of the blue BUT it's all explained late in the story actually. And thanks for the tips. I always have a hard time writing the beginning because I so want to just get on to the good stuff...hahaha

Reply to ea blue:
Oh my gosh, the whole torturing the characters is like the greatest idea ever!!! It totally makes sense....as much as my characters mean to me it wouldn't hurt to make them suffer a little...

THANKS FOR ALL OF YOUR TIPS AND REPLIES!!! IT REALLY DOES HELP!! <3