[Zoidberg]

Synopsis: Three adventurers make their way through a dungeon.



The dungeon was dark and damp. Water dripped from the masonry walls and onto the hard, cold ground. The ceiling of the crypt arched upward into the darkness. Stone statues of gargoyles sat solemnly at the base of the rafters, along with cobwebs that billowed in a cold draft that blew in from cracks in the stonework. Decaying coffins stood slanting against the wet walls. Other caskets lay on the floor, carelessly strewn about as if by some mad undertaker. The rotting wooden door at one end of the room creaked open as three adventurers stepped in.

The first one was Barik, a dwarf, stout but strong. His gray beard stretched from his chin to his navel. As he entered the dark tomb, his ability to see in darkness kicked in, allowing him a full view of the subterranean crypt. At the sight of the coffins, he tightened his grip on his greataxe and adjusted his chain mail, ready for anything. He took a few steps in and surveyed the area.

The adventurer behind him was tall and lean, a sharp contrast to the small dwarf. His pointed ears were all that were visible over his iron helmet. In his hand was his quarterstaff, almost as long as he was tall. His name, Valin, was carved along the length of it. Instead of wearing any armor, which would hamper his spellcasting, he wore a simple leather shirt over his regular one. His heightened sense of hearing allowed him to pick up every sound in the room: the shuffling of rats, the incessant dripping of water, and the soft footsteps of his colleagues.

The third and final adventurer, Garon, was a human, almost as tall as the elf. His plate mail gleamed in the light of the torch he held in his left hand. As he stepped in, the torch bathed the room in shadowy light. In his right hand, he held a longsword. Five perfectly cut rubies were embedded in the sword down the length of the hilt. The sword’s name was Pelthax, Sword of Righteousness. It had been retrieved by the group on a journey to Mount Kelnon, a desolate peak to the east. The blade held the power to destroy entire armies of evil creatures.

The dwarf whispered, “Valin, what do you hear?”

“Nothing, if you aren't quiet,” the elf snapped.

Barik stopped talking. He didn’t enjoy being snapped at, but he knew that his silence was crucial to their success.

“Nothing,” Valin finally answered.

The group said nothing, but walked into the crypt and scanned the place. Some water dripped onto their heads as they walked around. They examined the caskets, not daring to disturb them. They had learned on previous missions that curiosity does in fact kill the cat.

“Barik, check that door,” the man said. The dwarf did as he was told and walked over to the door on the other side of the room. He scrutinized the slick floor for traps, and likewise for the wooden door. It seemed clear. He pulled on the handle. The door gave out a loud creak, but did not move.

“It’s stuck,” Barik said.

“Well, it’s no wonder,” said Garon. “This place is so damp the door probably warped into the wall.”

The team continued to investigate the crypt, careful not to upset anything. Then something caught the man’s eye. “Would you look at that?” he thought aloud.

Valin turned to see what the man was looking at. There was a large sapphire embedded in one of the coffins that stood against the wall. “Garon, you know you shouldn’t be doing that. You know what could happen.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Garon answered. He set the torch down on the ground and tried to pry the sapphire from its resting place in the oak casket. It wouldn’t budge. He tried again, but this time with all his might. He gave it one hard yank and it came loose. Garon chuckled and looked at it in the light of the torch.

The clattering of bones, the creaking of hinges, and the snapping of wood suddenly disrupted the silence of the crypt. The coffins that littered the room suddenly burst open. Garon, frightened out of his wits, jumped back, sword held tightly in his hand. In each and every coffin was a skeleton, picked clean through the course of time. Their ivory bones clattered against their iron, web-frosted helmets and rusted steel swords as they sprung to life. Their mouths were opened wide in mid scream, and they gave out ghastly, inhuman screeches that resonated through the dungeon.

The three adventurers ran for the door at the opposite end of the room. “Quick! Get it open!” Garon screamed.

“I’m trying!” Barik shouted. He took a couple steps back and charged at the door at full speed. His shoulder met the door, which creaked loudly, but the door didn’t budge.

“Well, just keep working on it!” Garon yelled. Garon watched as the skeletons sat up in their coffins and then stood. They walked out onto the cold stone floor, their bony feet tapping against the cold ground. They held their swords up and slowly approached Garon.

The fighter took to his instinct. He swung Pelthax right for one of the skeleton’s midsection. The sword crashed into the undead’s ribcage, sending him crashing to the ground in a heap of white bones. “Ha-ha!” Garon shouted.

Out of nowhere, Garon began to dance madly around the crypt, dodging swords, leaping over caskets, swinging his blade madly. Then he began to sing, “Hear me now, oh thou bleak and unbearable world, though art base, and debauched as can be; and a knight with his banners all bravely unfurled, now hurls down his gauntlet to thee!”

“What’s up with him?” Valin asked.

“I don’t know,” Barik said, panting heavily. “Just help me get this open.”

Valin sighed, “Fine.”

Deep, soothing notes continued to fall from Garon’s mouth, “I am I, Don Quixote the Lord of La Mancha, my destiny calls and I go! And the wild winds of fortune will carry me onward of whithersoever they blow. Whithersoever they blow, onward to glory I go!”

“Blast this wretched thing!” Barik shouted. He held up his greataxe and heaved it at the door. The door split and broke, revealing the passageway ahead. “Grab Garon and let’s go!”

Valin ran over to Garon as he danced about, slicing through skeletons and humming the song he had just been singing. “Garon!”

The warrior ignored him. The number of bones scattered around his feet increased. With Pelthax, he could easily defeat them all, but with all this noise he could stir the entire tomb, and who knew what could be lying in wait?

Losing his patience, Valin fired a raw, charring bolt of white energy from the tip of the staff. The energy whistled across the tomb and hit a skeleton along the spine, blasting it's bones across the room. With an entryway cleared, Valin jumped forward, grabbed Garon by his collar, and pulled him to the end of the room in a quick motion, leaving the undead in a huddle, swords slashing at air. The creatures turned to pursue just as the adventurers reached the doorway.

Garon stepped through the hole in the center of the door. Valin did likewise, but not before doing a motion, which sent wisps of black smoke into the ground. In a few seconds, a dozen black tentacles forced their way through the cracked stonework, some blocking the doorway, others strangling the skeletons that attempted to approach.

"That should hold them," Valin murmured to himself.

“Man, that was close,” Barik said, trying to catch his breath.

“Bah, I could have taken them,” Garon said, smiling in the dark.

A soft rumbling began to echo through the darkness. The three adventurers looked up. Some pieces of dust fell from the ceiling. A fat rat brushed against Garon’s hand, who winced and cried out in the darkness.

“What is that?” Garon asked.

“I don’t know,” Barik replied.

The whooshing sound of crashing waves filled the chamber. A flood of dark brown-black liquid filled the tomb. Some bones from the other room floated down the passageway into the chamber. The liquid bubbled and fizzed incessantly. After a minute, the entire crypt was filled with the liquid, and all hope seemed lost for the three adventurers.

Valin managed to bubble an "Oops" in between the sounds of a raging flood.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Back in the apartment building, Joe sighed loudly. Three other 9th graders sat around the table, clenching soda soaked pieces of paper.

“This is the last time I’m gonna play Dungeons and Dragons with you guys,” Joe said while wiping the spilled Coca-Cola from the cardboard dungeon tiles.

"Sorry," Vincent muttered pathetically.

Dave stared off into space, slowly singing the lyrics of “I Don Quixote” to himself. He was practicing for the school play, for which he miraculously got the lead role.

“So,” Tim, one of the other kids, said loudly, “How much experience points did we gain?”

[Razor]

Hey man, hows it going?

I read this and i enjoyed it. The writing is good, and to the point. The description is solid, the action is good and humor is a nice touch. The last part is nice, where you pull the reader out into a room full of 9th graders.

I didn't find any typoes, and I'm not good with grammar and the like, so don't expect any help there.

Here is my advice, take it or leave it. When describing the three characters, I would suggest slipping their names in there somewhere. As we read, we figure this out, (Garon by elimination) but I think it would make the story a bit easier to read if each was more strongly associated with their respective name.

When I was reading this I almost wanted to make a little rhyme out of it.

The first one was a dwarf, stout but strong. His beard was gray, braided and long. It stretched form his chin all the way to his navel, in his hand a great axe, he was ready and able. He entered the tomb and peered into the dark. With his night sight he surveyed the crypt so empty and stark.

The adventurer behind was tall and lean. A sharp contrast to the dwarf so gruffy and mean. His long pointed ears listened to all. So sensitive they were, they could hear a feather fall. In his hand was a staff as long as he was tall, an aid to his magic to be beckoned at his call.

The third wore metal shiny and bright. In his hand a sword, call the Sword of the Right. It was encrusted with rubies all down the hilt. It had been retrieved from Mount Kelnon, from its fiery forge it was built. The sword held the power to vanquish the undead, but it drew upon its wielder until the wielder was dead.

The dwarf shouted out, "What do you hear?"

"Nothing," said the elf "with you shouting so near!"

So all were quiet and the elf listened well, but this was a place no living thing dwelled.

The elf nodded to the dwarf to check a door, as the three fanned out across the floor, but the door was stuck, a testament to their luck, and the three moved on past skeletons picked clean. Until the man's eyes was caught by something that gleamed.

"Now, you know you shouldn't be over there messing with that!"

"Ah come off it!" He said moving over to where it sat.

The sapphire twinkled up at him in the room so dank. He gave it a pull, a tug and then a yank. He finally pulled it free, much to the displeasure of his company.

Then up sprang the skeletons like puppets on a string. Yelled out did the man, giving his sword a might swing. To dust went the skeleton from which the blade touched. On came the man singing Don Quixote and such.

The other two shrugged and headed for the exit, but the door swung shut as if someone had hexed it. Now they pounded and yelled in a terrible fit, until the dwarf's might swing made the door split.

Then they grabbed their lunatic friend and pulled him in behind. Running down the hallway looking for a sign. Instead they heard a rush and swarming of water. A brown liquid engulfed them and then they were fodder.

HAHA! I have too much time on my hands eh?! Its just the way you wrote this I kept thinking of ways to make it rhyme. So anyways. Good piece well written, if I had to give advice, I'll sound like a harping nit-picker, because it would be making your wording carry more of a punch, while staying concise and on track. Set the stage (which is a crypt) a little better with more ominous wording like.... ominous, gloomy, fore brooding, eerie, billowing cobwebs, rustic wares, decaying wood etc, etc.

Don't be afraid to be a little symbolic with the characters when describing them. Use similies and metaphors like: The the wizard's skin was untouched by combat and as smooth as water on a windless day. Okay that was gay, but its the point I was trying to make. In spots of this work, its just so plain with the wording. Spice it up a bit and you'll get a better response from readers.

[Zoidberg]

Hey man, hows it going?

Great, Thank You!

Thanks for the advice, I'll add a little more detail right now.

Awesome Job with the rhyming! I loved that!

Thanks always for the comments!

[Gurdit]

stone statues of gargoyles clung to its rafters

How? I seem to be having some trouble with picturising a stone statue of any considerable size hanging from the ceiling...perhaps they were on the walls, at the base of the rafters?

light of his torch he held in his left hand.

Somehow, this construction doesn't quite feel right. I would recommend either "light of his torch, which he held in his left hand." or "light of the torch he held in his left hand."

The sword’s name was Pelthax, Sword of Righteousness. The sword had been retrieved by the group on a journey to Mount Kelnon. The sword held the power to destroy entire armies of evil creatures.

I think a righteous pronoun begs to be used!

Barik stopped talking. He didn’t enjoy being shouted at, but he knew that his silence was crucial to their success.

shouted? Hmm...how does it fit? They're walking into a crypt, they don't know what lies inside, and they ought to try to be as quiet as possible. Valin snapped, not yelled at Darik. I suggest you replace "snapped" with "hissed" (or something similar) and "shouted" with "snapped".

Every ivory bone clattered against their iron helmets and steel swords as they sprung to life

Here, you say "Every ivory bone", which makes it singular, yet "their iron helmets" and "they" are plural. This needs fixing. Also, in the part that immediately follows this...what exactly is screaming? The bones or the skeletons? Somehow, this part is not very constructed.

Dave stared of into space

??

“So,” Tim, one of the other kids, said loudly, “How much experience points did we gain?”

a missing comma.

* * *

Haha, that was brilliant. You know why? Because the first part was quite amazing. The description of the crypt, the introduction of the characters and the little bit of characterization in this short and sweet story were really good. Even as I was reading it, it felt like here was a writer who knows what he's doing. Your writing really is quite polished. Was it like this when you first came here or has it become so now?

I do have some suggestions for the ending though. For one thing, I'd like for there to be an "Oops!". I think that would really fit in here. Like say the liquid starts filling up the tunnel (or whatever), and all hope appeared to be lost. Just then, Garon opened his mouth, and bubbled the words "Oops!"

* * *

"This is the last time I'm playing Dungeons and Dragons with you guys," Joe sighed, picking up pieces of paper soggy with Coca-cola.

"Sorry," Jack said, sheepishly, helping him wipe off the spilled Coca-Cola from the cardboard dungeon tiles.

...and so on and so forth.

You know, I've never played D&D, probably because it's a very American game, but I have some faint idea what it is because it featured in one episode of Dexter's Labratory.

Oh, almost forgot to mention...the song that Garon sings is wickedly fun!

Bottom line? Your writing is good, this story is really exquisite and you're dead right to be proud of it. And last, but not the least, here's the comment you've been waiting for:

GOOD JOB!

[Razor]

Its been a while since I read this, but you redid the intro huh?! I like it a lot! That opening paragraph is money! It really helps set the stage for the rest of the story.

[Zoidberg]

Thank you Gurdit for all the corrections, I will get right on them. I may also change the ending as you suggested. I am very glad you liked it. And no, It was never like this when I first arrived. Definitely not.

Lol, and I do remember that episode.

Razor, glad you liked the new intro. I took your suggestions to fix it a bit.

[RENA HANDS]

U should adjust the spacing between the Synopsis and the first paragraph.

Perhaps...Decaying coffins stood slanting against the (damp/soaked/soggy) walls. (Just something more than ‘wet.’) We are after all illustrating the insides of a dungeon/crypt.

U mean ‘great axe’ and not ‘greataxe?’

What about saying...The thrill seeker standing/leaning in behind him was the tall and lean Valin. A sharpt contrast to Barik, Valin’s shadow proceeded each of them as they stepped further into the dark and dreary interior. (?)(Not certain of the punctuation, but this was my thought anyway.)

Possibly...His pointed ears were all that (were) visible over his iron helmet.(?)

Is ‘longsword’ one word or is it ‘long sword?’

Perhaps...Five perfectly cut/shaped rubies were embedded into the silvery (curved/straight) body of the sword. From its sharp metal tip to its (something about the handle) handle, the steel shined.(?)

Maybe...The weaponry was titled Pelthax, the rapier of Righteousness.(?)

Possibly by now u could say, ‘The silent group crept deeper into the crypt all the while scanning their suspicious surroundings.'(?)

Maybe...They had learned from previously failed warriors that curiosity does kill the cat.(?) (Again, not certain of my punctuation.)

Perhaps...The dwarf did as he was instructed as he crossed over to the other side of the room. His shifting/scrutinizing eyes peered at the floor checking for concealed traps.(?)

U could give more details about the iron door.

U mean, ‘He set (the) torch down...’

There’s not really ‘silence’ within the crypt if there are beings moving about also, there’s the dripping of water, does it not make an echo? The scampering rats, do their movements not too make a pattering sound?

Should there be a ‘had’ here...The coffins that littered the room (had) suddenly burst open.(?)

Possibly...Inside each rotting cell were suspended skeletons; their flesh eaten away by time. Their ivory skulls clattered against their web frosted helmets as flapping now cupping fingers grasped swords...their tarnished iron blades...they pushed forward with a blinding/shimmering vibrancy as their teeth rattling mouths dropped allowing for inhuman screeches to pass.(?)

When had the door(s) closed/sealed behind them? They were having troubles opening, but when had it swung open and remained open? And again, I ask, when did it, they close behind them?

The swirls or whatever those squiggly lines are, should be centered.

For such a quick write, there was for me limited and abrupt action. The imagery dull and lifeless. It reminds of ‘Fellowship of the Ring,’ just before they enter the cavern where they were ambushed by that GIANT mouth drooling beast. I must regrettably rate 2 of 5.

[Zoidberg]

Thanks, Rena, for the suggestions. A few I will change, however...

U mean ‘great axe’ and not ‘greataxe?’

In D&D, a Greataxe (one word) is a weapon. Since they are actually playing D&D, I only find it suitable to name the weapon as such.

Is ‘longsword’ one word or is it ‘long sword?’

Same as Greataxe.

Possibly by now u could say, ‘The silent group crept deeper into the crypt all the while scanning their suspicious surroundings.'(?)

These men were experienced adventurers. Nothing about this crypt would seem suspicious.

Maybe...They had learned from previously failed warriors that curiosity does kill the cat.(?) (Again, not certain of my punctuation.)

Not from other warriors, from their own past experience. For them, curiosity has bad consequences (such as in D&D).

U could give more details about the iron door.

I don't think I ever mentioned an iron door.

When had the door(s) closed/sealed behind them? They were having troubles opening, but when had it swung open and remained open? And again, I ask, when did it, they close behind them?

The doors never closed behind them. The door in front of them was stuck, and the door in back of them was blocked by skeletons. They escaped when Barik broke a hole in the door.

I will fix a few things.

Thanks always for the comments.

[RENA HANDS]

My apologies, ‘not a metal door,’ but was the handle of the door entered made of?

These ‘experienced adventures,’ have not yet travelled or explored all of their surrounding world, so unless there’s a psychic among them, they have no ‘fear’ and or ‘hesitation’ among them?

Ur journey began in a ‘dark and damp dungeon.’ There’s the gargoyles and cobwebs. ‘Decaying coffins.’ The ‘rotting wooden door.’ And more to reinforce ur ‘dark setting,’ there’s the insistent water drip.

Beings of the supernatural, one if not all of them experience some sort of trepidation. Also, u have, had skeletons jumping out of their coffins. There’s no nervousness? Lets not forget too that they made a run for the nearest exit. My point is, there’s something ‘suspicious of the crypt.’

As for the ‘curiosity killing the cat,’ if they each have had a pervious experience of adventure then something like…They had learned from previous failed attempts, curiosity does kill the cat.

[ea_blue]

I liked this one a lot. I enjoyed the very detailed descriptions of the tomb and the characters. They all seemed to possess a distinct personality. I had a very good image of the place from your writing and never did it slow down the action at all.

I didn't care this bit:

What happened next could not be explained.

...and then you go straight into explaining it. I think you could toss this sentence.

If Valin had to go in and get Garon while he fought the skeletons, wouldn't Valin have to do some fighting too just to get to him? Their conversation seems mighty tame for happening during a melee. And if they left the room, wouldn't the remaining skeletons go after them? I mean, heck, they get a +4 on the attack roll for a back attack (or -4 to AC for Valin/Garin). Yes...I've played D&D before. But as the story goes, I don't think running into the other room means they are suddenly safe--unless they had killed off all the skeletons?

I loved that the description of the water later matched perfectly that soda had been spilled during the game in real life. Fabulous idea!

Nice story overall!

[Zoidberg]

Thank you very much, Ea, for the comment. I fixed up the escape a bit. I hope it's better.

I mean, heck, they get a +4 on the attack roll for a back attack (or -4 to AC for Valin/Garin).

LOL! But I think it's only a +2 Bonus to the attack roll...

[ea_blue]

hehehe. Well, I haven't played anything past AD&D 2. Version 4 is out now, I think. The rules might be different. Then again, I might be thinking of the Assassin/Thief back attack bonus. It's been a while.

Got a typo in the recent change:

With an entryway cleard

"cleared"

You definitely improved it with the change but, at the risk of being annoying, it's still a bit too quick and easy. He needs to pull the wayward fighter from the melee and the skeletons could easily follow that movement and thus, them, through the door. Now if your MU cast Dimension Door to escape, the skeletons would lose them, or if he cast Everdnard's Black Tentacles on the door after they went through, then the skeletons would have no chance of following. There are a large variety of quick solutions to escape their boney pursuers.

Still, your change is a good one as is, and anyway it's only one small point within a very good story.

[Zoidberg]

Yeah, I used to play AD&D with my dad. I play Version 4 now. It's a lot simpler than version 3.5. The only bad thing is that I spent nearly $100 on my old books.

But I digress...

I will get right on the typo.

He needs to pull the wayward fighter from the melee and the skeletons could easily follow that movement and thus, them, through the door. Now if your MU cast Dimension Door to escape, the skeletons would lose them, or if he cast Everdnard's Black Tentacles on the door after they went through, then the skeletons would have no chance of following. There are a large variety of quick solutions to escape their boney pursuers.

Ah, but with a Dimension Door, they could just move outside the Dungeon. I will go with Everdnard's Black Tentacles. Or maybe a Major Image, to fool the skeletons into thinking there is a pit there.

But skeletons have no Intelligence...

Tentacles it is!

Thank you very much Ea, as always.

[Bluejay]

I like this one. The ending is something I've seen before, so it felt a bit anti-climactic given what led up to it. I think maybe everyone writes one of those "things are not what they seemed" stories at one time or another.

Some things I noticed...

In the beginning, I see a lot of alliteration.

The dungeon was dark and damp. Water dripped from the masonry walls and onto the hard, cold ground. The ceiling of the crypt arched upward into the darkness. Stone statues of gargoyles sat solemnly at the base of the rafters, along with cobwebs that billowed in a cold draft that blew in from cracks in the stonework. Decaying coffins stood slanting against the wet walls. Other caskets lay on the floor, carelessly strewn about as if by some mad undertaker. The rotting wooden door at one end of the room creaked open as three adventurers stepped in.

I'm not sure if you intended it, but it did jump out at me - for good or bad, I can't say.

But mostly, I wanted to commend you on the first part, up to the break. I think if you wanted to, you could actually take this and turn it into a full-blown fantasy story. You have good ingredients, and your writing style and voice are right on.

My only nitpick: "In each and every coffin was a skeleton..."

I would stick with "In each coffin was a skeleton..." "Each and every" just sounds... well I can't think of the right word. Children's bookish? Maybe you know what