[Zoidberg]

Synopsis: Three adventurers make their way through a dungeon.



The dungeon was dark and damp. Water dripped from the masonry walls and onto the hard, cold ground. The ceiling of the crypt arched upward, and stone statues of gargoyles clung to its rafters, along with cobwebs that billowed in a cold draft that blew in from cracks in the stonework. Decaying coffins stood slanting against the wet walls. Other caskets lay on the floor, carelessly strewn about as if by some mad undertaker. The rotting wooden door at one end of the room creaked open as three adventurers stepped in.

The first one was Barik, a dwarf, stout but strong. His gray beard stretched from his chin to his navel. As he entered the dark tomb, his ability to see in darkness kicked in, allowing him a full view of the subterranean crypt. At the sight of the coffins, he tightened his grip on his greataxe and adjusted his chain mail, ready for anything. He took a few steps in and surveyed the area.

The adventurer behind him was tall and lean, a sharp contrast to the small dwarf. His pointed ears were all that was visible over his iron helmet. In his hand was his quarterstaff, almost as long as he was tall. His name, Valin, was carved along the length of it. Instead of wearing any armor, which would hamper his spellcasting, he wore a simple leather shirt over his regular one. His heightened sense of hearing allowed him to pick up every sound in the room: the shuffling of rats, the incessant dripping of water, and the soft footsteps of his colleagues.

The third and final adventurer, Garon, was a human, almost as tall as the elf. His plate mail gleamed in the light of his torch he held in his left hand. As he stepped in, the torch bathed the room in shadowy light. In his right hand, he held a longsword. Five perfectly cut rubies were embedded in the sword down the length of the hilt. The sword’s name was Pelthax, Sword of Righteousness. The sword had been retrieved by the group on a journey to Mount Kelnon. The sword held the power to destroy entire armies of evil creatures.

The dwarf whispered, “Valin, what do you hear?”

“Nothing, if you aren't quiet,” the elf snapped.

Barik stopped talking. He didn’t enjoy being shouted at, but he knew that his silence was crucial to their success.

“Nothing,” Valin finally answered.

The group said nothing, but walked into the crypt and scanned the place. Some water dripped onto their heads as they walked around. They examined the caskets, not daring to disturb them. They had learned on previous missions that curiosity does in fact kill the cat.

“Barik, check that door,” the man said. The dwarf did as he was told and walked over to the door on the other side of the room. First he examined it to check for traps. It seemed clear. He pulled on the handle. The door gave out a loud creak, but did not move.

“It’s stuck,” Barik said.

“Well, it’s no wonder,” said Garon. “This place is so damp the door probably warped into the wall.”

The team continued to investigate the crypt, careful not to upset anything. Then something caught the man’s eye. “Would you look at that?” he thought aloud.

Valin turned to see what the man was looking at. There was a large sapphire embedded in one of the coffins that stood against the wall. “Garon, you know you shouldn’t be doing that. You know what could happen.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Garon answered. He set torch down on the ground and tried to pry the sapphire from its resting place in the oak casket. It wouldn’t budge. He tried again, but this time with all his might. He gave it one hard yank and it came loose. Garon chuckled and looked at it in the light of the torch.

The clattering of bones, the creaking of hinges, and the snapping of wood suddenly disrupted the silence of the crypt. The coffins that littered the room suddenly burst open. Garon, frightened out of his wits, jumped back, sword held tightly in his hand. In each and every coffin was a skeleton, picked clean through the course of time. Every ivory bone clattered against their iron helmets and steel swords as they sprung to life, giving out ghastly screams that resonated through the dungeon.

The three adventurers ran for the door at the opposite end of the room. “Quick! Get it open!” Garon screamed.

“I’m trying!” Barik shouted. He took a couple steps back and charged at the door at full speed. His shoulder met the door, which creaked loudly, but the door didn’t budge.

“Well, just keep working on it!” Garon yelled. Garon watched as the skeletons sat up in their coffins and then stood. They walked out onto the cold stone floor, their bony feet tapping against the cold ground. They held their swords up and slowly approached Garon.

The fighter took to his instinct. He swung Pelthax right for one of the skeleton’s midsection. The sword crashed into the undead’s ribcage, sending him crashing to the ground in a heap of white bones. “Ha-ha!” Garon shouted.

What happened next could not be explained. Garon began to dance madly around the crypt, dodging swords, leaping over caskets, swinging his blade madly. Then he began to sing, “Hear me now, oh thou bleak and unbearable world, though art base, and debauched as can be; and a knight with his banners all bravely unfurled, now hurls down his gauntlet to thee!”

“What’s up with him?” Valin asked.

“I don’t know,” Barik said, panting heavily. “Just help me get this open.”

Valin sighed, “Fine.”

Deep, soothing notes continued to fall from Garon’s mouth, “I am I, Don Quixote the Lord of La Mancha, my destiny calls and I go! And the wild winds of fortune will carry me onward of whithersoever they blow. Whithersoever they blow, onward to glory I go!”

“Blast this wretched thing!” Barik shouted. He held up his greataxe and heaved it at the door. The door split and broke, revealing the passageway ahead. “Grab Garon and let’s go!”

Valin ran over to Garon as he danced about, slicing through skeletons and humming the song he had just been singing. “Garon!”

The warrior ignored him. The number of bones scattered around his feet increased. With Pelthax, he could easily defeat them all, but with all this noise he could stir the entire tomb, and who knew what could be lying in wait?

Losing his patience, Valin grabbed Garon by his collar and pulled him to the end of the room. There, he, Garon, and Barik made there way through the passageway and into the dark.

“Man, that was close,” Barik said, trying to catch his breath.

“Bah, I could have taken them,” Garon said, smiling in the dark.

A soft rumbling began to echo through the darkness. The three adventurers looked up. Some pieces of dust fell from the ceiling. A fat rat brushed against Garon’s hand, who winced and cried out in the darkness.

“What is that?” Garon asked.

“I don’t know,” Barik replied.

The whooshing sound of crashing waves filled the chamber. A flood of dark brown-black liquid filled the tomb. Some bones from the other room floated down the passageway into the chamber. The liquid bubbled and fizzed incessantly. After a minute, the entire crypt was filled with the liquid, and all hope seemed lost for the three adventurers.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Back in the apartment building, Joe sighed loudly. Three other 9th graders sat around the table, clenching the soda soaked pieces of paper.

“This is the last time I’m gonna play Dungeons and Dragons with you guys,” Joe said while wiping the spilled Coca-Cola from the cardboard dungeon tiles.

Dave stared of into space, slowly singing the lyrics of “I Don Quixote” to himself. He was practicing for the school play, for which he miraculously got the lead role.

“So,” Tim, one of the other kids said loudly, “How much experience points did we gain?”

[Razor]

Hey man, hows it going?

I read this and i enjoyed it. The writing is good, and to the point. The description is solid, the action is good and humor is a nice touch. The last part is nice, where you pull the reader out into a room full of 9th graders.

I didn't find any typoes, and I'm not good with grammar and the like, so don't expect any help there.

Here is my advice, take it or leave it. When describing the three characters, I would suggest slipping their names in there somewhere. As we read, we figure this out, (Garon by elimination) but I think it would make the story a bit easier to read if each was more strongly associated with their respective name.

When I was reading this I almost wanted to make a little rhyme out of it.

The first one was a dwarf, stout but strong. His beard was gray, braided and long. It stretched form his chin all the way to his navel, in his hand a great axe, he was ready and able. He entered the tomb and peered into the dark. With his night sight he surveyed the crypt so empty and stark.

The adventurer behind was tall and lean. A sharp contrast to the dwarf so gruffy and mean. His long pointed ears listened to all. So sensitive they were, they could hear a feather fall. In his hand was a staff as long as he was tall, an aid to his magic to be beckoned at his call.

The third wore metal shiny and bright. In his hand a sword, call the Sword of the Right. It was encrusted with rubies all down the hilt. It had been retrieved from Mount Kelnon, from its fiery forge it was built. The sword held the power to vanquish the undead, but it drew upon its wielder until the wielder was dead.

The dwarf shouted out, "What do you hear?"

"Nothing," said the elf "with you shouting so near!"

So all were quiet and the elf listened well, but this was a place no living thing dwelled.

The elf nodded to the dwarf to check a door, as the three fanned out across the floor, but the door was stuck, a testament to their luck, and the three moved on past skeletons picked clean. Until the man's eyes was caught by something that gleamed.

"Now, you know you shouldn't be over there messing with that!"

"Ah come off it!" He said moving over to where it sat.

The sapphire twinkled up at him in the room so dank. He gave it a pull, a tug and then a yank. He finally pulled it free, much to the displeasure of his company.

Then up sprang the skeletons like puppets on a string. Yelled out did the man, giving his sword a might swing. To dust went the skeleton from which the blade touched. On came the man singing Don Quixote and such.

The other two shrugged and headed for the exit, but the door swung shut as if someone had hexed it. Now they pounded and yelled in a terrible fit, until the dwarf's might swing made the door split.

Then they grabbed their lunatic friend and pulled him in behind. Running down the hallway looking for a sign. Instead they heard a rush and swarming of water. A brown liquid engulfed them and then they were fodder.

HAHA! I have too much time on my hands eh?! Its just the way you wrote this I kept thinking of ways to make it rhyme. So anyways. Good piece well written, if I had to give advice, I'll sound like a harping nit-picker, because it would be making your wording carry more of a punch, while staying concise and on track. Set the stage (which is a crypt) a little better with more ominous wording like.... ominous, gloomy, fore brooding, eerie, billowing cobwebs, rustic wares, decaying wood etc, etc.

Don't be afraid to be a little symbolic with the characters when describing them. Use similies and metaphors like: The the wizard's skin was untouched by combat and as smooth as water on a windless day. Okay that was gay, but its the point I was trying to make. In spots of this work, its just so plain with the wording. Spice it up a bit and you'll get a better response from readers.

[Zoidberg]

Hey man, hows it going?

Great, Thank You!

Thanks for the advice, I'll add a little more detail right now.

Awesome Job with the rhyming! I loved that!

Thanks always for the comments!