[Gareth84]

Synopsis: A ancient evil thought destroyed, threatens to consume everything our hero knows.


Snow and earth crunched beneath his feet with every slow deliberate step taken through the forest path. Well in reality there was no path as such, through the heavy canopy of oak, cedar and winter trees that were so densely packed together they appeared almost like soldiers lined up in defense the forest from any intruder who might bring harm upon her occupants. For this route was only known to those who knew it, tiny clues of direction hidden in the silent language of the trees added to his natural homing instincts. But even for him this was proving increasingly difficult, it had been so long since he last walked these woods and the bitter winter’s snow covered all that could be seen, turning already similar looking surroundings into a virtual maze.

Violent cold wind licked his eyes and deafened his ears as he tried in earnest to look forward, his mighty trunk like arm held in front of his face serving as a make shift shield against the elements. Every strained breath created a cloud of frosty air. Lowering his arm he stopped to look. In every direction the lines of trees seemed to extend until the horizon itself. He was lost, even the way back looked the same as every other. Ahead of him he noticed a giant oak through the swirling mist of snow and wind. The sight of this leviathan brought both joy and sorrow to his near frozen heart, for while this oak would provide some cover from the harsh blizzard the fact he did not recognise it confirmed his fears that he had indeed lost his way.

As he resumed his slow walk heading towards the oak the wind seemed to recede as he got closer to this temporary sanctuary. Even the wind had no choice but to go around the enormous girth of this forest warden, one force of nature bowing down in respect to another. Leaning his own considerable weight against the trunk of the tree he felt comforted and renewed for the first time in many days and nights. He knelt down under a heavy branch wanting to take time to assess the situation. His hands dark and with a texture that almost mirrored the bark of the tree rubbed his face, cracking frost that had begun to form on his beard.

Despite him being some 7ft tall had you or I walked past him at this moment, as he sat still lost within his own thoughts chances have it that we would not have seen him, against the backdrop of the moss, snow covered tree he looked almost invisible. His hair and beard wild as the forest itself - coloured the same as the moss on the stones and the leaves on the trees. It hung in his eyes and beyond his ears in giant locks combining into a beard dense and long, filled with snow, mud, sticks and earth. Beneath the mass of mossy hair his dark skin was the same colour as the summer ground, the bark of the oldest trees and the early autumn evening sky and as hard and cracked as the skin of the oak he rested upon.

The clothes he wore stuck close to his giant frame, dark greens, browns and
reds made darker by the wet snow. Made from materials taken from the very forest he now sat in, they resembled leaves but on a much grander scale. They covered him from chest to above the knee. His feet however needed no such cover; the soles were as strong as the earth they walked upon and each of his four toes were covered in the same mossy wild hair as his face and head. There was only one thing on this man of the forest that would let you know he was alive and separate from the looming branches of the tree behind him. His eyes shone emerald with a ferocious intensity, burning within them his many years could be seen and the wisdom that came with living a life as long as he had led.

As he knelt against the trunk trying to formulate a plan the forest mans mind began to wonder, as was very common for the people of his kind. Being so closely related to trees, who spend their entire existences in very deep thought - remembering a time when both he and the forest where much younger. A time before the great winter had enveloped the world

Some Years Before….

“Alorn!”

The young forest walker looked up at hearing at hearing the sound of his sisters voice carrying through the trees. He was sat upon a large rock in one of his favourite parts of the forest, a clearing where a stream met the river which then carried on through the forest further then he or his sister were allowed to step. All along the banks of the river flowers grew and life flourished, the colours and sounds met to make a symphony like no where else he knew. And at this time of the day when the sun was at its highest point in the sky its rays shone through the branches overhead and made shadows that danced on the floor when the wind took the branches, to Alorn the shadows reminded him of the jumping embers from the fires his father read stories by at night.

“Alorn!”

“Yes Kaji, I am here!”The forest walker responded to his sister with an impatient tone wondering to himself why she always felt the need to follow him. Her voice grew closer and clearer until she appeared on the other side of the riverbank. As she emerged from the trees she fit in so perfectly with her surroundings it looked like a still painting coming to life.

Her green hair was tied back in a tight bunch above her head showing her golden oval face. Compared to Alorn she was small and very slight of frame, she had a delicate and gentle manner about her as she walked softly through the trees. It seemed without thought how she stepped over and around flowers so not to destroy them. Kaji had always been a much lighter tone than Alorn, as was the difference between their mother and father. The latter of who was often teased by his children for so closely resembling a tree that if he stood still for too long he might take root.

They had been told by their parents that these differences were typical of all of their kind, men folk being the guardians of the trees whiles the women for all of natures creatures. Of course neither Alorn nor Kaji had ever seen others of their kind outside of their family so didn’t have idea if this were true or not but they loved and trusted their father so believed on the most part the tales he told them.

“You know mother said you’re not allowed on that side of the bank” As his sister scowled at him her eyes shone as they always did when she was angry, another trait seemingly passed among the women forest walkers. She stood with her arms folded, one hand held a basket full to the brim of fruit the other hung free her fingers tapping against her side to show him just how annoyed she was.

“I do no harm Kaji, mother needn’t worry nor know.” He smiled as he leaped down from his rocky perch, then without any effort jumped across the width of the stream. Landing with a thud next to Kaji he reached to take the basket from her.
“Allow me to carry this for you.” He mockingly bowed to his sister all the while grinning at his own amusement. With a deep sigh Kaji passed him the basket, clearly unimpressed. “I do sometimes wonder Alorn if it is really I who is the younger, hard to believe that with the next full moon you will be 95 years old”
Alorn began to walk slowly back in the direction his sister had come from, his head hung low looking at the ground.

“Well perhaps my baby sister when I do reach 95 mother will allow me more freedom, too long have we been cooped up in such a small area of land. I think at times she would have us stay at her side until we are her age”

“You do not like our forest brother?” Kaji had now caught up with Alorn and walked close by his side, looking up at him.

“I do Kaji, but I am curious to see more. What lies beyond this wood, have you never wondered?” He turned his head to see his sisters face hoping to see in her the same longing questions.

“No, I love it here. The animals, trees and flowers need taking care of and that is why we are here. Never think we do it not have a purpose Alorn, least of all not in front of father” His sister gave a small knowing smile at the thought of their father giving Alorn one of his many lectures of the importance of the forest walkers.

“We bring balance to the worlds forests my son, one family per wood that is how it is now, always has and shall always be” She said doing best impersonation of their fathers bellowing voice. As his sister started to laugh it brought a smile to his own face - Kaji never had a worry in the world, an infectious personality trait that always seemed to make what ever he was thinking of disappear. Looking further ahead Alorn was surprised to see how far they had already walked, they were nearing their home. The smell of his mothers cooking hung on the breeze carried with the soft tones of her voice as she sung a melody she often did when preparing food.

The song carried through the trees and echoed around the clearing where they lived. Alorns mother looked almost the twin of her daughter bar for the fact her face was rounder, softened with the passing of time. Her hair instead of the serious bunch worn by Kaji was hung in long soft ringlets around her face. She was stood over a large pot stirring it slowly in time with the haunting tune. Behind her the house stood looming, it was a great oak but unlike any other in the forest it had been grown to be exceptionally large using techniques and skills known to Alorn’s father and mother. It stood a behemoth among the rest of the forest, bearing windows with no glass and a huge open front door. Alorn’s father had once told him that all their kind lived in trees like this; this thought had only served to spur Alorn’s curiosity for the outside world even further. He imagined other forests and meeting more of those like himself.
As the children approached the final tree line before entering the clearing their mother looked up at them with a warm smile, she continued to stir the pot and sing her song. Alorn looked at the highest window in the house; it had a orange glow. He knew this meant his father was sat upon his favourite chair smoking his pipe by the fire and thinking. His father seemed to spend time doing little else recently; he appeared slightly withdrawn like something was bothering him. Next to the pot where their mother had prepared dinner a table lay set for four places.

“Did you bring the fruit I asked for Kaji?” Their mother asked looking up from the pot again, this time at her daughter’s empty hands.

“Yes mother, Alorn carried it for me” Kaji replied taking the basket from him and placing it in the centre of the large table. She then sat at her place, as she always did and began to hum the song her mother had been singing. The sun had begun to set; the evening sky was emblazoned with reds and pale oranges. Alorn looked up at the window where his father was again, noticing the light had gone out.

“Have a seat Alorn – Dinner is ready now” Doing as he was asked Alorn sat as his mother poured heavy ladles of the stew into carved wooden bowls at the four places, the largest bowl at the head of the table awaited their father. Almost at the same time Alorn raised his spoon the doorway was filled with the huge outline of their father, he walked slowly towards the table with a soft smile underneath his well trimmed green beard. Taking his seat his smile broadened and he rubbed his large round belly. Picking up his spoon he leant over to their mother and kissed her cheek.

“You spoil us” He said dipping his spoon into the stew before him.

“I am allowed to” His wife said as she returned the smile. The last of the evening light faded away as the family ate, laughed and listened to their father’s tales of adventures past and new. The children loved to hear their father’s stories but for different reasons, Kaji found the tales thrilling and imagined him in such perilous situations. While Alorn imagined him in the places he spoke of and longed to have such journeys. The listened late into the night, their father seemed to be telling his tales with even more gusto and vigour than normal and through his words they saw the sights he saw, heard the sounds and smelt the smells. Together they journeyed the great forests and rode the crests of the waves on the oceans.

“I think it is time for you to sleep now my son, it is very late” Alorn’s father breaking from a story took him by some surprise. He noticed his fathers eyes were on Kaji, who had fallen asleep upon Alorn’s shoulder at some stage without him noticing.

“One more father?” Alorn asked although feeling tired himself.

His mother began to clear the table around them “Do as you father asks Alorn, and take Kaji to bed also”

His mother did not even have to look at Alorn, he knew better than to ask his parents the same question twice. He stretched with a mighty yawn and turned slowly as to not wake his sister, picking her up with both arms he stood slowly from the table.

"Goodnight Alorn” His father spoke softly, as softly as he could manage at least.

“Night father, mother” Alorn returned as he walked into the house. Entering the hall, he turned left into his sisters room he placed her upon her bedding silently and left the room with the same caution.

He entered his own room and climbed in among his bedding. It was formed of soft moss, vine and leaves. His eyes felt heavy and soon his mind was adrift in dreams. He dreamt of the ocean that night, so vividly described by his father yet still almost unimaginable.

“This cannot be right!” Alorn’s slumber was interrupted by the bellow of his father’s voice. In all his years Alorn had never known his father to raise his voice to anyone except himself.

“Bardo, I am sorry. There is no mistake here. They are back” The sound of the second voice replying caused Alorn to sit up, instantly awake. It was a voice he did not recognise, a voice he had not heard before.

[Razor]

I'm gonna read this and leave ya a comment I promise. I just keep getting interrupted and its been sitting on my computer screen now for like most of the day, so I apologize, I've read the first paragraph like half a dozen times. Its pretty good. I'm looking forward to the rest.

[Gareth84]

Dont be sorry
Its not like i have feelings or anything people....... haha

[Razor]

Alright, your story is great, or at least the direction you are taking it. SO far you have caught my attention and my imagination. I find this refreshingly original. The delivery style is fine, nothing flashy, but it comes a cross well. I think you have a nice mix of description. There are however some rough spots.

Snow and earth crunched beneath his feet with every slow deliberate step taken through the forest path.

Okay this sentence is fine other than I get the feeling that he is hunting in the forest on a calm winter day. The storm doesn't get mixed in until after the first paragraph. Set the scene sooner, so we realize what is happening around him. I would suggest bring the storm in on the first line, since it is a major factor in this first part. Also, you start here with a path and then you go on to say he is hopelessly lost, after you've told us he is able to speak the ancient language of the trees and really chat him up as a good navigator. If he is indeed lost, but you want to work the path in, spin that there is a path and on a good day it would be hard to find, but he has been gone for too long coupled with the storm and this has made it impossible to find the path, even with this "great homing instincts." One last thing, you mention how closely packed the forest is and mention "heavy canopy," but there is all this wind, I would think the trees would cut down on the wind. Is this a natural wind? If so, how is it getting to him with all these trees around?

Howling winds carried sleet past the solitude figure, as snow and earth crunched beneath his large feet. Each step was fought for through the ice tipped forest.

Well in reality there was no path as such, through the heavy canopy of oak, cedar and winter trees that were so densely packed together they appeared almost like soldiers lined up in defense of the forest from any intruder who might bring harm upon her occupants.

This sentence seems awkward to me. I had to stop and reread it in a few spots to make it right or to get the right flow. The length of it isn't a factor, although you pack quite a bit into this sentence. First off, I would take out everything before the comma, and rewrite the rest. "The heavy canopy of oak, cedar, and evergreens were packed so densely they had the feeling of soldiers lined up in defense of the forest, protecting themselves and their inhabitants from any intruders."

For this route was only known to those who knew it,

Known and knew in the same sentence really throws the reader off. Maybe use: route didn't exist, except for those who knew of it, ...etc.

Despite him being some 7ft tall had you or I walked past him at this moment, as he sat still lost within his own thoughts chances have it that we would not have seen him, against the backdrop of the moss, snow covered tree he looked almost invisible.

I thought you were going to tell about how big he was, but instead you were trying to show how much he looked like a tree, which is fine, but start a little different and I wouldn't put "you or I" in there. "Now as he rested against the tree, the stark figure that no one could have missed, blended into his surroundings to the point he was nearly invisible. The seven feet tall behemoth sat lost in thought against the back drop of the snowy, moss covered tree. His own figure christened with same sleet that clung to the mighty oak he rested against."

The clothes he wore stuck close to his giant frame, dark greens, browns and
reds made darker by the wet snow.

Need to take out the "return."

His eyes shone emerald with a ferocious intensity, burning within them his many years could be seen and the wisdom that came with living a life as long as he had led.

This sentence is a bit rough, I kept having to reread it to get it straight. I would put a period after intensity, and reword the rest. "His many years of wisdom from such a long life led could be seen burning within them."

The young forest walker looked up at hearing at hearing the sound of his sisters voice carrying through the trees.

Just a mistype, "at hearing" is in there twice.

The latter of who was often teased by his children for so closely resembling a tree that if he stood still for too long he might take root.

I believe its "whom" instead of who.

of their family so didn’t have idea if this were true or not but they loved and trusted their father so believed on the most part the tales he told them.

I think 'they" has been left out a few times here, and the last part of this sentence, "so believed on the most part the tales he told them" needs to be reworded.

"of their family so they didn't have any idea if this were true or not, but they loved and trusted their father, so they believed his tales on good faith."

“I do no harm Kaji, (and, or ".") mother needn’t worry nor know.” He smiled as he leaped down from his rocky perch, then without any effort jumped across the width of the stream. Landing with a thud next to Kaji he reached to take the basket from her.
“Allow me to carry this for you.” He mockingly bowed to his sister all the while grinning at his own amusement. With a deep sigh Kaji passed him the basket, clearly unimpressed. “I do sometimes wonder Alorn if it is really I who is the younger, hard to believe that with the next full moon you will be 95 years old”
Alorn began to walk slowly back in the direction his sister had come from, his head hung low looking at the ground.

Paragraphs need separated.

front of father” His sister gave

Period after father.

“We bring balance to the world's forests my son, one family per wood that is how it is now, always has and shall always be.” She said doing best impersonation of their fathers bellowing voice. (Make a new paragraph.)As his sister started to laugh it brought a smile to his own face - Kaji never had a worry in the world, an infectious personality trait that always seemed to make what ever he was thinking of disappear. Looking further ahead Alorn was surprised to see how far they had already (could be taken out)walked, (Take out the comma and put in a period or a semicolon.)they were nearing their home. The smell of his mothers cooking hung on the breeze carried with the soft tones of her voice as she sung a melody she often did when preparing food.

The song carried through the trees and echoed around the clearing where they lived. Alorns mother looked almost the twin of her daughter bar for the fact her face was rounder, softened with the passing of time. Her hair instead of the serious bunch worn by Kaji was hung in long soft ringlets around her face. She was stood over a large pot stirring it slowly in time with the haunting tune. Behind her the house stood looming, it was a great oak but unlike any other in the forest it had been grown to be exceptionally large using techniques and skills known to Alorn’s father and mother. It stood a behemoth among the rest of the forest, bearing windows with no glass and a huge open front door. Alorn’s father had once told him that all their kind lived in trees like this; this thought had only served to spur Alorn’s curiosity for the outside world even further. He imagined other forests and meeting more of those like himself.
As the children approached the final tree line before entering the clearing their mother looked up at them with a warm smile, she continued to stir the pot and sing her song. Alorn looked at the highest window in the house; it had a orange glow. He knew this meant his father was sat upon his favourite (spelling)chair smoking his pipe by the fire and thinking. His father seemed to spend time doing little else recently; he appeared slightly withdrawn like something was bothering him. Next to the pot where their mother had prepared dinner a table lay set for four places.

Separate paragraphs.

They (missing a 'y') listened late into the night,

Like I said. This is good. There are some rough spots though, and with a little more revision, adding in some more strength to your verb choice and description, while ironing out wrinkles in the theory of the story (wind in the forest, path/lost) it will come together to form a much more solid piece.

Like this part here, I really liked this:

The sight of this leviathan brought both joy and sorrow to his near frozen heart; for, while this oak would provide some cover from the harsh blizzard, the fact he did not recognize it confirmed his fears that he had indeed lost his way.

The word choice and strength of writing in this sentence is great, beyond great. It struck me even as I read it. Everything came together so nicely. Well done!

[Ryankia]

Just thought I would pop in and mention something, Razor. Many of his spellings which have an "s" instead of a "z" are correct. Just the differential in spelling between European English and American English.

[RENA HANDS]

I suggest…Chapter 1: Alorn’s Tale

You mean…An ancient evil thought destroyed,

It is an actual thought or a being that was destroyed, I am confused.

I think your opening paragraph is too rushed. You started with great imagery then rushed into whatever the remaining read is or is supposed to be.

Is there only one wind or a gust of winds licking his eyes?

Are you saying that his arm is a trunk? Or are you comparing arm to a trunk?

Did you mean…seemed to extend (onto) the horizon itself. ?

I applaud the hierarchy of nature to itself.

What about saying…Despite being some 7 feet tall if you or I had walked passed him at this moment…(Or something similar.)

You have a spacing error here…browns and (you dropped a space here)

Did you mean…trying to formulate a plan (through) the forest, the (man’s) mind began to wonder (wander)? You are missing a period after the last sentence within this paragraph also. Or at least…

You only need one here…

The young forest walker looked up (at hearing) the sound of his (sister’s) voice carrying through the trees.

I think…He sat (no Was) upon a large rock…

I think you mean ‘than’…further than he or his sister were allowed to step.

You need a space after the ending quotation here…I am here! (Space) The forest… Consider also another word other than ‘forest.’

You don’t have to label his sister now that we know she is Kaji. Just say Kaji.

I believe your tenses are incorrect, please consult an editor on this matter.

I think…(while) the women for all nature(‘s) creatures.

You have a spacing error here…the basket from her. (Space)

Separate the dialogue between Kaji and Alorn also you missed a period after

95 years old(.)

Another missed period…

we are her age(.)

You don’t need ‘now,’ Kaji had caught up with Alorn…

You mean…

his sister(‘s) face

You mean…We bring balance to the world(‘s) forests my son, I think also that you are missing a period after that speech. Also…of their father(‘s) bellowing voice.

Again, The smell of his mother(‘s) cooking…

Again, Alorn(‘s) mother looked…

You need to space your paragraph here…those like himself.

A missed period here…to bed also(.)

I am strongly suggesting that you read the works of Eadha Deora of this site. Her imagery, the delivery/reference of action, emotion…imagery of itself could assist you here in this type of writing. I will rate 2/5!

[Alex]

I loved this story, ot st least so far. Great imagery and a wonderfully creative storyline. It got me interested from the part when you were comparing the man to the tree. And the entire concept of being linked to nature, trees in general, is marvelous when you think about the age of the race of people. Good story, ready to read the next installment.

[Gareth84]

Thanks for the input all and taking the time to read it, I havent had time to write anything of late. Due to the fact that i only write while im at work, and the powers that be have been giving me actual work to do!!!
But my boss is away till tuesday so I will definatly try and get some more done and change some of the errors that have been pointed out.