[gonzoadrenaline]

Erat Nap

By: Taylor Dante Bertoncini

Illustrated By: Squirrel Kinyon



As she stepped out of the shade of the awnings, she lifted her hand over her eyes and blinked as she looked at
the street before her. The thoroughfare opened up quite a bit, and the shanties disappeared. Coming in from the south,
she had traveled through dense forest before reaching the outskirts of the great city of Erat Nap. The sun was quite
apparent now that she hadn’t the cover of the forest canopy or the shade of the tarps and awnings that nearly made a
ceiling in the outer rings of The Maul. The Maul wrapped around the entire perimeter of Erat Nap, largest city on the
continent and the capitol of the northern kingdom. The Maul was a ramshackle town of its own, with its own rules and
customs. Every manner of creature and race and creed were represented in The Maul. She had already caught the
attention of a larger anthro. A mountain cat hybrid perhaps; she found it difficult to tell because its face was
scarred, and his ears tattered.


Well, here I am, she thought, still holding her hand over her brow. This is either gonna
get ugly or really ugly. She glanced back at the larger man. And he has friends now, great. Looks like it’s
gonna get really ugly.

The half-cat had grabbed a couple of mangy looking dog anthros. They snarled as they looked towards her
voraciously. She knew it wasn’t going to be an easy thing to do; the ugly cat doubtlessly had more lackeys hidden
throughout the area. She had decided early on in this life not to take any shit from anybody, no matter what the
consequences may turn out to be. She looked around for a good place for a confrontation, and began to walk up the
street. She was still technically in The Maul, the city wall loomed over The Residential Stacks that were pushed up
against it. She was probably still quite a few blocks from being inside the city, where the laws actually applied.

“I see you’re a popular girl this morning, eh?”

It was a short, robust, male, grey squirrel anthro. He seemed
to be a shopkeeper; he stood on the counter of his little storefront. He smiled at her honestly and motioned for her
to come closer. He held up a bit of green herb and sniffed it deeply, his grin widened and he looked back up to the
tight bodied, bear anthro as she walked over to him.

“Do you have anything good around here?” she asked as she stepped into the shade of the porch.

“Well, I ain’t braggin’. But this shit right here I grew and between you and me.” He leaned in closer and
spoke softly, “It is the best.” He handed the little herb bud to the bear-woman and she sniffed at it.

“Smells nice,” she looked around casually as she turned to face the street and lean against the counter. “How
does it smoke?” she smiled as she looked at the squirrel.

He just looked at her with a smirk on his face. “Got a pipe?”



She fished around in her shoulder bag for her glass. She pulled it out and smiled. Sweet! The bowl is
actually empty, she thought as she packed the small bit of green and orange haired herb into the pipe.
She rummaged through her pockets to find her firecrystal. The squirrel had a match lit and waiting for her, so she
just used that. She hit the pipe deeply as she scanned around the street for the cat and his dogs.

Shit! Where’d they go? Damnit! she swore.

As if sensing the bear’s uneasiness, the squirrel leaned toward her and spoke softly. “Don’t worry about
those assholes. They won’t fuck with you if you are here. Not to say you couldn’t handle them if they did, but they
tend to stay clear of my joint,” he took the pipe and smoked it happily.

“Well thank you very much,” she looked a bit relieved as she let out the smoke and coughed a bit. She
extended her hand as she spoke, “I’m Mariska Smoakk.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Mariska; they call me Skunk,” he shook her hand. “You know, ‘cause of the weed,” he
added as he handed the pipe back to Mariska.

“Ahh, right?” she said as she pulled out her firecrystal and hit the pipe again.

Skunk looked perplexed. His eyes widened and he stared at her stone. “What the hell is that?” he pointed with
his mouth hanging.

“Seriously?” now she looked confused. “You’ve really never seen one of these? Then you probably can’t use it
then, huh?” She handed him the little bit of red crystal that was fastened to a piece of deer antler. Skunk turned the
thing over and over in his hands. The crystal was neatly tucked into a hole in the antler and fastened with a metallic
thread.

“You could try to make it work if you want. You’ll have to concentrate really hard, think about burning the
weed with the crystal. Visualize the stone becoming fire. It’s really easy if your mind works the right way,” she said
confidently as she took the firecrystal and pipe; she proceeded to demonstrate the process again.

“Well, now. That‘s not something you see everyday.” Skunk scratched his head and reached for the smoking
apparatuses again.

“Where I’m from you do,” Mariska said, holding her breath. “It confounds me some that you’ve never seen such a thing.” She watched as the squirrel held the rock to the pipe and tried to use it. She was astonished to see the
little stone begin to burn.

“Whoa . . . wow!” He held in the hit and looked at the crystal intently. “Now that’s a trip,” he exclaimed as he exhaled.

“Yeah . . . I’ll say it is at that.” Mariska was shocked that someone who claimed to not see magic often
could just use her firecrystal. She stood pondering it for a minute then decided to put it in her cautionary file of
her memory warehouse.

“Well . . . I thank you for the smoke out. Do you expect monetary compensation?”

“What? Pay for a smoke out, psh, don’t worry ’bout it,” Skunk waved his hand at the bear. “Are you taking
off?”

“I think I should. I have things that need to be seen to,” she fingered the hilt of her scimitar.

“Well are you hungry? I mean it is nearly brunch.” Skunk didn’t look at the slender female form of the bear,
he just stared at the ground. “I know a really good place; it’s only a few blocks away.”

“Um . . . really?” She looked at the little squirrel. “Uh, yeah sure. That sounds nice.”

She was a bit unsure of what to say. She was pretty sure that the little anthro was harmless. She was in town for business but some pleasure might be nice.

Is he blushing? Oh my god! She smiled a bit as she cashed out the bowl of her pipe and stashed it back in her bag.


They had drake eggs ranchero at a little family run place around the block from Skunk’s shop. Mariska was
impressed with the food. The last time she was in Erat Nap she had the damnedest time finding a decent place to eat.
She was actually starting to wonder why the hell she had not met this squirrel three months ago when she had first met
with the buyers. She thought if he was a grower then he should know the people she was to meet with.

'Maybe I should see if he wants to help me do this thing,' she was thinking when the couple who ran
the joint came out to the patio, which Mariska now noticed was completely deserted. The elder humans brought a tray
with four cups of cinnamon cocoa and two joints rolled out of corn husks. They sat down with Skunk and Mariska.

“So how are the two of you today?” Skunk spoke as he placed a cocoa before each individual.

“We are good,” the elder male spoke with a thick accent. “Are you going to introduce us to your girlfriend?”
He slapped the small squirrel on the shoulder.

Mariska quickly glanced at Skunk. Please, please don’t say anything, she thought at him.

Skunk twitched and smiled. “Well we kinda just met a week ago and bam what can I say . . . love at first
sight, right Mari?” he turned to look at Mariska.

She stared for a second then blinked and said, “Yes. Yes, of course it was, dear,” She smiled and
reached for Skunk's hand across the table. The elder man looked shocked, as if he hadn’t expected a real straightforward answer like that.

“I see . . .” he sipped at his cocoa and gave his wife a knowing look.

Sensing the tension Skunk burped and stood up. “Well, it was delicious as always, Al, Lola, thank you for
your hospitality. We have to run though, wedding to plan and all, isn’t that right, babe?” he tugged on Mariska’s arm.

“Mm-hmm,” she agreed as she hurriedly rose and moved from behind the table, tucking her chair in as she
left. “Thank you both so much, it was absolutely wonderful.”

“Yes, well, be safe you two,” Al waved as the bear and squirrel departed.



“Just in case you were wondering, I don’t think they bought it. I’ve known those two for quite sometime now
and I am sure Al knew I was lying,” Skunk lit a joint and smoked on it deeply. “Why all the deception anyway? What are
you doing here?” he offered the joint to Mariska.

“I suppose I can trust you huh?” she took the doobie and puffed on it lightly. Holding her breathe she began
to explain how her family had been growing shaman’s mushrooms for generations. Not to get rich, but to be of service.
She explained how the mountains to the south were an older more magical place and that her people had lived in harmony
with nature for centuries.

“Now suddenly everyone is sick and dying, and none of our medicines will work,” she was still holding the
joint when Skunk cleared his throat and motioned for the doob. “Sorry,” she quickly handed it to him and smiled. “I
just want to make enough money to get my people well again.”

“So you were here a few weeks ago and spoke with a woman that was willing to buy the shrooms,” Skunk waved
his hand for her to continue.

“Well, I just want to get through this thing without getting fucked.” She sucked on the joint. “I just . . .
I know I don’t belong here and I am starting to worry.” He could see that she was being honest, she was not someone
who would normally be doing this. He was quite surprised to see the powerful bear start to break down emotionally. She
hung her head and choked back tears. He had seen her as a strong young woman that would not be shaken. He was looking
at her intently, thinking how a fragile girl from the mountains had ended up in this hellhole trying to save her
family from a harsh situation that had probably been brought on by the industrialization and development that was
sweeping across the land.

Suddenly a shadow caught his eye and he looked up in time to see one of the dogs that had been following
Mariska. He moved toward Mari and wrapped his arms around her waist, he leaned close to her and whispered, “Just go
with it, they are watching again.”

She embraced the squirrel and began to cry. He wasn’t expecting this and he wasn’t sure what to do. He began
to rub her back as he slowly looked around again and saw no sign of the dog.

“Now c’mon hun. It’s ok. I’ll get you through this,” Skunk said reassuringly as he continued to rub at the
bear’s fur.

“Thank you so much for everything, Skunk, I just, I am so drained. I have been fighting these illnesses myself
and I’m just so done with watching my people die.” She began to regain control of herself.

“See, I knew you were stronger than that. I promise you I will get you through this and back to your people.
I may even be able to get the medicines you need to make them well,” he looked up at the bear and smiled.

“Thank you; you are so kind to me. I just think we should go right now. I think they’re back.” She took the
squirrel’s hand and began walking fast down the alley.


As she half dragged him down the narrow walkway, he looked back to the street and saw the two dogs creep into
the shadows in the mouth of the covered side street. He quickened his step and slipped his hand away from Mari.

“I hope you know how to use that big as piece of metal you got strapped to your side there, missy.” He looked
around the alley and picked up a flat wooden bat that chipped and splattered with orange paint that had been placed in
a woodpile. The end looked as though the thing had been shredded by a meat grinder. It was admittedly an odd thing to
find behind a sushi joint but he didn’t question it. He stood and swung the thing for a moment, feeling the weight of
it.

“Huh?” Mariska stared at the little squirrel as he did this. “Nice find.”

“Right!” Skunk hefted the cricket bat and smiled; the orange paint pleased him.

The dogs were closing in and it looked like they were going to run out of alley in a few dozen yards or so. The dog anthros crept through the shade of the covered walkway, snarling to each other a they advanced. Mariska and Skunk began to run again, looking for a different way out. The had reached the fence that separated The Commerce District from residential complexes that lined the inner ring of The Maul. Mari began to climb the boxes piled up against the fence.



“No, we’ll never get out of The Stacks, we have to find a way back to The CD.” Before Skunk had even gotten
his words out, the mangy cat anthro popped up over the fence and roared at Mari. She was startled and fell off the
boxes; she landed on her feet and stepped towards Skunk. She drew her scimitar and stood facing the cat, who was now
perched atop the fence, holding the steel part of a straight razor and grinning at the bear. Skunk backed up against
Mariska, facing the dogs that were now very close to striking distance.

“Well, I guess it’s time to do this huh?” Skunk looked up at Mariska and smiled. “Try not to hurt yourself,
hun.”

“I think I’d rather fight the dogs than that cat; he is really creeping me out!” She backed up a step against
the little ground squirrel hybrid, nearly knocking him over.

“Ok, suit yourself,” he said as he sidestepped around the grey bear and leapt onto one of the taller boxes
against the fence. He stalled on the box for a moment and then jump high into the air. It seemed to Mariska that
everyone was startled by the squirrel’s sudden movements. She seized the moment and sprung toward the dogs that stood
close together looking at the squirrel flying towards the mountain cat.

Skunk kicked as he passed over the cat's head, hitting him squarely in the jaw. As he began his descent, he
brought the sharp, narrow side of the cricket bat forcefully into the back of the large feline's head. There was a
splitting sound, like bone and wood. The cat flew headfirst off the fence and made a loud thud as he limply hit the
ground.

Mariska heard the sound of the wood caving in the cat's head and turned in time to see him land on the ground
with the back of his head split wide open. This was apparently shocking to the canines as well, because they turned
and ran back down the alley. Mari just stared at the little squirrel as he descended the boxes to stand over his kill,
shock and horror playing across her face.

“What? Don’t for a minute think that he would have spared your life. He would have torture you until you gave
up the mushrooms and then he might have raped you to death or just fed you to his dogs. This isn’t some nice little
South Kingdom township dear; people here will kill you, or worse, just as soon as they’d look at you.” The squirrel was clearly agitated by the way the bear was looking at him. “Now, I told you that I would get you through this and I
always keep my word, so let’s go to the meet before those dogs tell whoever the cat was working for that they fucked
up.”



“Welcome, welcome. I am so happy to finally meet you, Mariska.” The red fox anthro stood and bowed as the
Skunk and Mari walked into the second story sun room. “Please, sit, we’ll smoke and talk some.” She returned to the
floor, crossing her legs and sitting in one motion. She leaned over and retrieved a long pipe from a leather satchel
and packed a bowl.

“Thank you,” Mariska smiled as she knelt on the blanket covered floor. Skunk was quiet, surveying the room.
He noticed the door behind the fox was slightly ajar. He thought he saw a shadow move across the doorway; he folded
one leg under his frame and put his butt down on the floor.

As the squirrel sat down, the fox watched him out of the corner of her eye, observing him cautiously. She
reached for a smoking stick that was smoldering in a small three legged burning dish. She lit the pipe and smoked it
before handing it to Skunk.

Mari stared at the two creatures eyeballing each other over the pipe. She didn’t know what to make of this
and smiled nervously. “Miss Haru, this is my dear friend Skunk, he has helped me so much today. I may not have even
made it here if he hadn’t saved me. I think someone is trying to get my shrooms,” Mariska was trying to keep the
spirit light; Skunk handed her the pipe and she smoked it deeply. She tried to hold the smoke down but couldn’t and
began coughing. She thought it would stop soon but didn’t and she started to feel light headed. Her vision got dark
and she fell to the floor unconscious.

“I see you noticed the salviadow that I put in the bowl,” Haru Red Feather glared at the squirrel. “If you
think you are gonna fuck my action up again, you are sorely mistaken. I should have know that salviadow wouldn’t have
been enough to put you out,” she took the pipe from Mariska’s lifeless hand and she puffed on it to get it going again
and handed it back to Skunk, who took it and smoked it. “I really would like to know how it is that you always seem to
show up in the middle of my workings. I promised you that I would stay out of your fields of interest. Why are you
here? Mushrooms aren’t one of your specialties. What do you want from me?”

Haru was agitated. It had been over a year
since she had encountered the formidable little ground squirrel. He was a thorn in her side. Haru Red Feather hailed
from the longest line of organized crime families on the continent. It was nearly six years prior when, the then
Kitsune Raharu, took power over the seven families of The Syndicate. Not four months later she began to receive
reports of merchandise not making it to the city. Shipments being hijacked or just disappearing. She knew that The
Syndicate wasn’t exactly in charge in The Maul, but she herself had made several contacts with what passed for power
there and had good information.


She was informed of a smalltime merchant that was well liked by the Money People of The Commercial District.
A ground squirrel anthro who was rumored to have royal lineage of some sort, he trafficked in weapons, herbs, metal,
dry goods, anything he could get his hands on and sell, he would. Raharu had decided it would be best to terminate the
little vermin, but this had proven more difficult than it had seemed. She spent weeks and thousands of gold pieces
trying to dispatch the squirrel. For a few years it seemed that he had removed himself from the scene, but soon enough
Kitsune Raharu became aware that her operations were not running as smoothly as she would like. She knew that the
squirrel that everyone called Skunk was to blame; however she decided to focus her energy towards other forms of
commerce that the rambunctious little rodent seemed to have less interest in. The problem slowly began to fade away,
so she was quite upset to find him here and now in the middle of a large pile of mushrooms that she didn’t really
want to pay for.

“I just want this girl to get what she needs without being fucked by you.” Skunk puffed on the pipe again. “I
swear if you give her the price she asked for I will leave you alone forever.”

“That sounds too good to be true!” Haru stirred the pipe with the unburned end of the smoking stick and ashed
out the bowl.

“I bet it does, but I know you won’t like the alternative.” Skunk pulled out a joint and struck a match
lighting the doobie. He puffed and rolled the joint over a few time before offering it to the fox. “Now, this shit
right here is why I can say to you that I won’t bother you operations ever again,” little wisps of smoke rolled up
around his lips and nose. “Best shit ever.”

She looked at the doobie and grinned. “Are you telling me that you are going into retirement?” She raised an
eyebrow as she puffed on the joint.

“I suppose you could say that,” Skunk grinned as he took the doob back from Red Feather.

She held her hit for a long while before letting it out, licking her lips and forcing the smoke out her
nose. “This is really tasty,” she was truly impressed. She mulled over the proposition. It was an intriguing notion,
knowing that the little squirrel would be out of her hair forever. She knew from experience that Skunk was a man of
his word and the bear's asking price for the five hundred pounds of mushrooms was actually reasonable. “All right, I will
agree to your terms.” She reached for the joint again.

“That’s a good idea.”



“I really can’t ever thank you enough for what you did for me,” Mariska beamed as she handed her pipe and
firecrystal to Skunk.

“Well, like I said, I’d like to stay with you for a while.” He smoked the pipe and handed it back. They were
in a clearing on the south road out of town. They had stopped near the Marjon River and unhitched the horses. They sat
together and smiled. For the first time since Skunk had moved to the city, he actually was relaxing, completely
relaxing. Not worrying about his crop, or his business, or his friends.

“Um, I kinda wanted to thank you, Mari.” Skunk looked away and rubbed his arm. “I just need you to know that
you mean something to me.” He smiled at her. “I mean . . . I don’t know what to say.”

Before he could continue Mariska leaned close to his face and smiled. “I know,” she said softly as she kissed
him tenderly. They wrapped their arms around each other and fell into the grass kissing and laughing.

[superbum]

I figured it out but this line was confusing at first, maybe another arrangement or different wording would clarify

The sun was quite
apparent now that she hadn’t the cover of the forest canopy or the shade of the tarps and awnings

The second link is broken, there's no : after the http

Things need to be shown not told, you tell us of mari's situation instead of leting her tell us. Changing that kind of thing will improve the tale greatly.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by superbum

Things need to be shown not told, you tell us of mari's situation instead of leting her tell us. Changing that kind of thing will improve the tale greatly.

Eplain What you mean...

Well Smoke Break won't work right when I put it as a title link so there it is as straight html code enjoy.

[superbum]

The squirrel was clearly agitated by the way the bear was looking at him

Don't tell me that the squirrel was agitated, show me something that shows the agitation.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by superbum

Don't tell me that the squirrel was agitated, show me something that shows the agitation.

Well I really wish someone else would read this... you make no sense to me superbum.

“What? Don’t for a minute think that he would have spared your life. He would have torture you until you gave
up the mushrooms and then he might have raped you to death or just fed you to his dogs. This isn’t some nice little
South Kingdom township dear; people here will kill you, or worse, just as soon as they’d look at you.” The squirrel was clearly agitated by the way the bear was looking at him. “Now, I told you that I would get you through this and I
always keep my word, so let’s go to the meet before those dogs tell whoever the cat was working for that they fucked
up.”

Did you read the whole paragraph?

[Ambrose]

Man, did these guys smoke a lot or what! I thought this was a decent fantasy romp, though I have several complaints:

I appreciate the pictures which serve to help the reader visualize the characters, but they shouldn't be a substitute for written description. The anthros were not clearly defined in my mind, and I'm not sure the picture of Mariska did justice to her bear-like attributes. I imagined her as being large and in charge but the pictures show her as a skinny petite thing and about the same size as the squirrel dude. The cat and the wolves needed more description as well. Adding in a couple sentences about their hungry eyes (you said they were voracious but tie it to a feature) or their claw-like hands and massive paws would go a long way in making them seem like more than just faceless lackeys.

I didn't understand why the squirrel pretended to be Mariska's fiance at the mom and pop restaurant. What did he have to hide from them?

If there was a burgeoning romance throughout all of this, I didn't see it. Yea, Mariska blushed a few times and thanked the squirrel, but I think you really need to develop this better so the ending fits. Have the bear notice how strong and brave the squirrel is in combat (I still don't understand why she isn't as strong, she's a freakin' bear!). Have her notice, while they're sitting around smoking, how roguishly handsome the squirrel is. More stuff like this will cue the reader in on their strong attraction to one another.

I really like your setting. The Maul, a thin strip of no-man's-land, that surrounds the great city, is the perfect place for back alley brawls and dirty dealings. But I feel like you gave up on descriptions of the setting early on in the story. Meanwhile, my mind wanted to think the characters were in a dirty, scary place and was painting its own pictures. Add more descriptions of the scenery, and of the characters' reactions to it. Does it smell? Is the air hot and muggy? Is there a steady drone of flies buzzing around garbage piles?

On a random side note, I like how the squirrel uses a cricket back to bash in the cats skull. That's pretty wicked!

From a technical standpoint, your writing is ok. I think you need to use metaphors and similes to liven things up. Also watch the pacing. Pacing problems occur when you insert odd and irrelevant, or simply too many, details in one place. For example:

He looked
around the alley and picked up a flat wooden bat that chipped and splattered with orange paint that had been placed in
a woodpile. The end looked as though the thing had been shredded by a meat grinder. It was admittedly an odd thing to
find behind a sushi joint but he didn’t question it. He stood and swung the thing for a moment, feeling the weight of
it.

“Huh?” Mariska stared at the little squirrel as he did this. “Nice find.”

“Right!” Skunk hefted the cricket bat and smiled; the orange paint pleased him.

This could be trimmed down to simply:

He scoured the alley, found a flat wooden bat that was chipped and splattered with orange paint next to a woodpile. Picking it up, he noticed the end looked which looked as though it had been shredded by a meat grinder. Then he heard husky growls from behind and started to run again, Mariska following close behind.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Thank you Ambrose. I appreciate that you took the time to actually read this and I do realize it must look like a sloppy job, I admit that I wanted to just finish this damn thing. Thank you for actually giving real feedback. I will now for sure rewrite this.

On the matter of Mariska being a littel bear, she is based on my alterfursona, I have always felt I am a little girl insidde so...

I will rework this story a lot so that the things you have mentioned.

Again thank you very much.