[PICK] Firetales: Part TBA

[iwrite4areason]

This section of Firetales is the piece that first inspired the rest of the tale...however, it takes place long into the future where I have not yet had time to write... Trust me! The action will be coming soon!

Chapter: ???

The iron silk of the sword nudged my leg incessantly, but I ignored it, resisting the urge to unharness the weapon from its sheath. I was not yet strong enough to wield its power; it would not help me if things came to a fight.

I crouched lower to the earth, hugging the ground with my fingertips, and sniffed the air. Nothing seemed amiss, but unease still clung to my heart like a leech. Closing my eyes and slowing my breathing I opened my ears to the wood around me, listening for the sound that had brought me to my feet. Far off in the trees, two songbirds chirped away through the morning mist, seemingly ignorant to the sound I had heard just moments before.

Perhaps I hadn't heard anything at all; perhaps I was finally going mad after days in the forest alone. I waited two more seconds and then, taking a deep breath, arose from my hiding spot behind a nestle of prickles. Several thorns snagged my arms as I stood up, but I barely noticed. I was still alert and wary, ready to react to the slightest movemet, the hairs on my neck standing erect with tension. A flash to the left caught my attention and I immediately crouched down again, catching my arms on the thorns several more times. Within the past two months I had learned to be cautious. If there was one thing that Rowen had taught me, it was that the forest held too many creatures that could not be trusted. If you were not on your guard at all times, you were at risk of being caught unaware.

I heard the noise again, but this time I was ready for it, steeling my gaze to a gap in the trees where a small halo of light shone eerily. The ring of the horn blew harshly against my ears as the noise sounded again, closer this time. I held my breath in anticipation, quickly planning what to do if the source of the noise proved dangerous. With a jolt of panic I remembered that I would be useless in a fight after a few minutes. I was not yet strong enough to compete against the creatures that dwelled in the wood. I would have to hold my position and hope against all odds that I would not be discovered.

I crouched lower as the halo of light circled nearer. From the depths of the trees emerged the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. The woman was clothed in a gown of deep blue, her long brown locks cascading down her back like ribbons of silk. She did not look dangerous, yet she did not look human either. I blinked, looking again, and it was only then that I realized the array of men around her. Two guards marched on either side of her, heavily armed with swords and bows, while two more followed closely on horseback. They processed through the woods slowly and quietly, their weapons were not drawn. With a surge of relief I realized they must not know I was there.

I watched wordlessly as the group passed by my hiding place. The men looked gruff and haughty, covered with at least three days' worth of dirt and grime, while the woman looked as clean as if she had just stepped out of a bath. The realization then hit me faster than a flying arrow: the woman was a prisoner. While the men were definitely human, the woman was most certainly not. Was she a witch being brought to trial in front of the courts? Was she an elf, a senegal or sorceress? I studied her face intently, trying to decide. It was only then that I noticed the gashes along her cheekbones and down her neck. I followed a trail of bruises down her arms to the binds at her wrists. Caught in such a helpless state, the woman still carried herself with pride and dignity, a look of profound resolution on her face. As the procession passed, one of the men on horseback grunted something unintelligable and struck the woman with the blunt edge of a long spear he carried. The beautiful woman didn't even flinch, her steps never missing a beat as she kept her pace, refusing to quicken her walk for these ruthless men.

I felt a surge of anger and hatred rush forth and I struggled to keep hidden and not go hollering after these men. Whatever her crime, no person deserved to be treated as such while held helpless as a prisoner. I concentrated on my breathing as I fought to decide what Rowen would do.

Think! I said to myself. Don't do anything rash that will get you killed or captured! Rowen's voice sounded over and over in my head as I fought to gain control over my emotions. What was I to do?

[Gurdit]

The iron silk of the sword

"iron silk"...nice. Sets the tone for the rest of the story immediately. It tells me that the story is not going to be all action and gore, but that there's going to be a certain amount of emotion and art poured into the narration. Let us see.

Ok, I've now read the story through, and my first impression, like it was with your previous entry, is that this is clean. Your writing style is really good, really neat, and pretty polished. Hardly any jagged egdes at all as far as the writing style or narration is concerned.

I normally make it a point to review, among other things, characterization. However, with such a small story, which probably serves more or less as an introduction to the characters, or possibly as the middle part of a longer story (the part where the hero meets the heroine), it's really rather difficult to comment on the characterization, as there really is not much to go by. However, I can already say that you've got the basics right. The heroine is drop-dead gorgeous, as one would expect her to be. And the hero is probably young, inexperienced but a quick learner, and righteous, very righteous. Yet, he doesn't display the headfastness of rushing into a situation because it's the right thing to do. So, already your characters intrigue and invite, making the reader want to get further acquainted with them.

Characterization is not the only thing that builds up to make the reader want to read the next part. The ending is clearly a cliffhanger ending, and it's not always to leave your audience hanging like that (some of them can get pretty bugged), but since this part is not so long, it works. It manages to keep the reader's interest, instead of creating a feeling of "Wow, I just read through 10 pages and all I get is a f---ing cliffhanger at the end!"

If there's one critical thing I would say, it's probably a couple of things about the woman. For one thing, I would choose another word rather than "woman". Using it once is ok, but I think I'd prefer "lady" or some other word like that. Generally, the word "woman" appears to be used in somewhat negative connotations. "Lady" seems better, no? But that's entirely a matter of opinion, and it's not a big deal by any means. I was also going to mention about how he had to blink to notice the array of men around her and later, had to study her face intently to notice the gashes. In my opinion, an array of huge, dirty men would have been spotted the first time around itself, and if the wounds on her face were as deep as gashes, he should have noticed them without having to study her face. But the way you've written it is just fine, actually, and this is a really minor point. Actually, almost ignore it. I just said it because I was thinking it, and to make my critique as detailed as I could.

Bottom line, good job! I am waiting for parts 2,3,4,5...

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by iwrite4areason;

I was not yet strong enough to weild its power...

Wield - "I before E, except after C."

Minor nitpicky in a wonderful vignette. You realize, of course, that you'll have to finish this now, Kit. You have piqued my interest. I want to know more about what's going on here.

In addition to being a really good writer, you're also a really good storyteller. Excellent suspense here, with poetic language and images to carry the tale along. I get an image of a fantasy heroine like Red Sonja, perhaps in her early days where she was a young girl still learning the ropes. I can easily see you playing the part in a film version.

All the pieces are in place for a rip-roaring fantasy tale; even the name "Rowen" is laden with images of sword and sorcery. It's quite a feat when you can generate that kind of interest in a short piece. Looking forward to more.

You told me this story had been following you around for a couple of days, Kit. I'm glad you let it catch you!

[iwrite4areason]

Thanks guys. You are my "knights in shining armor" her at SM.

Thanks for the notice of the spelling error Rick. As usual...lol. Ok now I really do feel pressure to work on this. Maybe that will actually get me to do it! lol

Gurdit.....thanks.

[ea_blue]

Most excellently written! Your descriptions are very good and they help set the stage very well. You've got a very interesting character there and a compelling heroine. My only complaint: it's too short. Looking forward to more!

[Zoidberg]

What's this? Prose? By Kristen?

Very Good Work! Imagery was excellent:

I crouched lower to the earth, hugging the ground with my fingertips, and sniffed the air. Nothing seemed amiss, but unease still clung to my heart like a leech.

The line "hugging the ground with my fingertips" was great. The metaphor of the next sentence was also great.

I like the foreshadowing and developing action, too.

Like Gurdit said, a little more characterization for the protagonist would be nice, though with something in first person I find that difficult to pull off, especially with something this short.

Overall, Great Job! I look forward to more.

[iwrite4areason]

Thanks Dan!!! Glad to hear it! Just so you know...part 2 is up (i think), but it's not directly related to part one yet....

[timtornado3721]

Originally Posted by Vorcla

Wield - "I before E, except after C."

I disagree Rick. "That may be true in neighbor and weight, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, but you'll always be wrong no matter what you say." Go Brian Reagan!!! You're forgetting fallacies and many more words that don't follow the rules.

Back to the story though, iron silk? You mean the blade was silky smooth; or the sheath was soft and velvety? I got lost on that metaphor. Maybe cuz I'm blond but I doubt that.

Now everything is starting to make more sense, plus there is a little conflict now. You'll have to tell me when the next chapter comes out.

[iwrite4areason]

Ahhh...Tim. You crack me up!

BTW...thank you!

Iron Silk= The blade was made of iron but smooth as silk. Does that make sense?

Glad you like this so far...especially since you're urgings got me to start writing it. Part three should be here shortly..I just have to finish it.

[timtornado3721]

So this is the story with the kids and the underground bunker and the government is controlling them all? I thought it'd be a little more in the future after an apocolyptic event or something.

Now it all makes sense with the metaphor.

And thank you.

[iwrite4areason]

No...this isn't that story...that story still needs to fester in my brain for a bit more..

But you said to write something that wasn't poetry, so here it is! Ready or not!

[Arnklit]

Before I go looking for things to complain about let me start by saying, this is the most well written piece I've read in the fantasy section, and I'm actually pretty sure I've read published pieces that were less pollished.

Well if I have to find something to complain about it might be that you get a bit wordy at times, but that may just be my personal taste, I just felt that sometimes your descriptions were a bit heavy and disrupted the flow of the piece.

You have an okay hook with the interesting description of the sword and the reader wondering why he's to weak to fight, but you may wanne make the mystery of the sound through the wood be the first thing that is desribed. Also I think it may be a good idea to go a bit more into his past with Rowen so we get to know the character and feel sympathy and worry about him before he stomps into battle or the like.

The place where I thought the piece really dragged was when there were so many wordy desriptions about the sound and how he crept through the woods, I think it could be done better, someone above mentioned foreshadowing, but that's actually what I thought it lagged, we didn't have some disturbing guess about what would happen when he found where the sound originated.

well there were a few other things, but some of them were also mentioned by others, but it's small things. well no matter what this is very interesting, I'll go and read the other parts and see if you can keep it up.

[Jimbalaya]

Interesting! Very nice hook there at the beginning with the "iron silk", it really grabs a reader by the shirt front.

I found myself wondering who this character is and why he's come to be in the middle of the forest hiding. I've read books that begin with the ending and then start off to tell the tale and eventually end up at the ending again, but this one almost seems to start in the middle of something. Is it your intention to bring it full circle?

It was very clean, you did a fantastic job editing and proofing. I'm going to disagree with Arnkilt, I'm one who doesn't think that you CAN have too many descriptives in a story. The more you have the more you feel like you are part of the story and you've don a wonderful job with that. I'm looking forward to chapter two! Off I go.

[Beagle]

Lovely stuff, though a few minor nit-picky things to mention I'm afraid:

Originally Posted by iwrite4areason

...and it was only then that I realized the array of men around her.

The word realized doesn't quite make sense in this context. Maybe it was only then that he noticed the array of men around her? Or perhaps "It was only then that I realized she had an array of men around her."

Originally Posted by iwrite4areason

The men looked gruff and haughty, covered with at least three days' worth of dirt and grime,

You know haughty means proud and self-important right? I only ask because I imagine it would be hard to look proud and self-important when covered in several days worth of trail dirt. Then again it might be a testament to just how proud and self-important these men actually are if they can still manage it!

Originally Posted by iwrite4areason

They processed through the woods slowly and quietly

A slight error there, do you mean progressed?

Anyway, moving on to the next part!

edit: God dammit I sound like the microsoft word 'assistant'. So sorry for that. The only difference is I'm actually right.