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Old 10-12-2008, 05:15 PM
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Firetales: Chapter 6

The Beginning

Toark was back again; the old bartender had been spending the greater portion of the past week at the cottage. He brought food and mead, but when it became clear that the two boys were not much interested in eating, he brought whiskey and pipe weed from the southern prairie. His visits were never long, but they had become a nightly routine. Toark would arrive just as the sun went down and depart about two hours later, when the supply of whiskey and prairie weed had dwindled. He would then turn a inquisitive face upon the two boys, seeming to delve directly into their minds, decide that whatever he’d come to discuss could wait until the next day, and would then vanish into the night.

It was enough to confirm within Eóvan’s mind that Anna had been correct in her statements: Toark was a strange man!

Tonight, Eóvan met the barman at the oak door just as the last of the sun disappeared behind the horizon; he had seen him headed up the road through the kitchen window, bottle of strong Southern Whiskey tucked under one arm, dark travelling bag draped over the other. They nodded curtly to one another as Eóvan bolted the heavy door shut behind the large man. A fierce wind had begun to blow through fields, marking the beginning of a mid-spring storm. The chill, which had entered the cottage upon Toark’s arrival, was enough to convince Eóvan to add an extra log to the crackling fire; the house seemed much colder now, lacking Anna’s pleasant smile for warmth.

Without uttering a single word, Toark settled himself in his usual spot next to the fire in a cushioned but ragged wooden chair. The bottle and traveling bag rested atop a long wooden chest that ran parallel to the chair. Eóvan turned to Bryynt while Toark busied himself with his bag. The older boy sat in the corner, face lined with pain and anger, gripping the polished wooden rocking chair in desperation and staring fiercely off into the darkness, refusing to meet anyone's gaze. Eóvan was not even sure that Bryynt had noticed Toark’s arrival.

Turning back to the old barman, Eóvan watched him load his pipe with a clump of prairie-weed produced from the traveler’s bag. From his place by the fire, Toark looked even more massive than usual; his torso filled the full width of the chair he sat in, and more. Long, curly black hair fell over the man’s eyes as he fumbled to light the pipe with a flint from the fire. After several failed attempts he finally succeeded, returning his full attention to Eóvan.

Dark brown eyes scrutinized the boy and seemed to know all. This was the longest Toark had gone without speaking and the silence was making Eóvan uncomfortable. It wasn’t the equal silence that lingered throughout the cottage during the day, as Bryynt and Eóvan struggled to busy themselves with meaningless tasks; it was a brooding silence that accompanied Toark’s visits, seeming to hide dark secrets within its shadows.

When the barman finally began to speak, it was in a low, dark voice that did not match the friendly and even tone of previous nights. A shiver crept up the young boy’s spine as the older man’s eyes bored into his own.

“I’m sure you’ve been utterly perplexed by my constant presence here, Eóvan,” the barman began. “I realize that my visits may at times have been…ah...” he searched for the appropriate word, eyeing Bryynt while doing so. “…unwelcome.”

Eóvan did not bother to contradict him. Outside, the wind picked up, knocking branches noisily against the glass panes of the windows.

“The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of interesting events; not just with Anna’s untimely passing,” he nodded his respects to Bryynt, who still did not acknowledge the old man’s presence. “But also within the kingdom as a whole.

“I’m sure by now you’ve heard whispers of the king’s forces being rallied, as well as rumors that another war might be brewing. It is with these pieces of information, along with others that I will not divulge at the moment, that I must unearth a secret that has been kept hidden for many years; too many, if you want my opinion!”

Toark had begun to ramble and it was several minutes before his grumblings died out. He then turned back to Eóvan, who noticed a spark behind the old barman’s eyes that had never been there before. The young boy could not ignore the flicker of excitement that nudged him.

"I think, Eóvan," Toark growled lowly, "it is time you learned exactly who you are."

Who I am? Eóvan thought wildly, utterly confused. He did not know what that was supposed to mean!

"A long time ago," Toark began, "Or perhaps not very long at all, in the grand scheme of things, the world was much different than today. Men did not exist in Loreacha. Instead, the world was inhabited by creatures of the void, which coexisted in peace. The Elves, Giants and Dwarves traded wares often, while other Loreachan enjoyed the peace that survived as well. That is, of course, until the arrival of Men." A cough sounded from the corner, and Eóvan looked up to see Bryynt hunched over with disbelief, shaking his head at Toark with anger.

"Those are nothing but legends," he hissed, returning to the cottage from his nightly reveries, "Firetales! Giants and Goblins? There is no proof that there ever were such creatures."

"Ah," Toark nodded at Bryynt, head slightly tilted. "Creatures like that don't exist anymore Bryynt, at least not in our world. The race of Men has seen to that. I think, if you'd let me return to my tale, you'd understand."
"Rubbish!" Bryynt snapped, returning to the sulky gloom of the corner.

Eóvan watched Toark in amazement. He had heard these stories as a child. Never from Anna, of course, she didn't believe in such things; but traders, farmers, and children spoke of them often. He wondered how Toark believed they were related to him.

"One day, the race of Men entered this world. Nobody remembers where from, that knowledge has long been forgotten. Nevertheless, when the presence of Men was discovered, the leaders of all the races joined to meet them. They welcomed Men into Loreacha, which was known by a different name then, for there were many valleys and mountains that still lay undiscovered around them. They invited the leader of Men, a young warrior named Fallon, to join their council. All were promised peace, so long as Fallon and his kingdom did not interfere with their way of life. Fallon agreed, and for many years all five races seemed to live in harmony. Fallon’s rule passed to his son Donaug upon his death, and then to his grandson, Caleidon. The race of Men was growing rapidly, now covering all of the previously uncharted regions of Loreacha. Caleidon began to demand more land from the council. When he was refused by the other leaders, Caleidon grew angry and began to take the land by force. The conflict soon turned to war, with the great population of Men now overpowering all the other races.”

Toark paused for a moment. His pipe had burnt out and he was struggling to relight it. Eóvan grew impatient but tried desperately not to reveal this flaw. Once accomplished, Toark continued as if he had never stopped.

“The Giants were defeated, the remainder of their race fleeing from this world; for although Giants were large and incredibly strong, they lacked the skills and brain power of soldiers. Seeing their imminent defeat, the Dwarves escaped through underground Loreachan sanctuaries; abandoning all of their cities above ground. Soon the only races left in Loreacha were Elves and Men. Without pause, Caleidon continued his attack on the Elven kingdom for years. He now desired for total domination over the entire world. He drove the Elves over the mountains where they vanished from all knowledge.

“For a short time, the fighting ceased, and it seemed like there might be peace once again. The Vausthelm rule passed to Caleidon’s son Morrigan, who governed a prosperous reign. But something soon happened that Morrigan could never forgive. His youngest daughter Clare, the favorite among all of his seven children, met a young Elf while wandering the Great Cliffs near the sea. The Elves had been keeping watch on the Vausthelm Kingdom. When Clare met the Elvin prince Paladin outside the castle walls, she ran away with him. Heartbroken and furious, Morrigan had his soldiers scour the lands in search for her. They soon found her wandering near the Greathorn Mountains.

"The Vausthelm soldiers returned Clare to Morrigan's household, but she was never quite the same. She told Morrigan that she had run off with a lowly farm boy, who had turned her out upon learning her identity. But in her sleep, Clare spoke of magic and enchantments, talking about Elven kingdoms and majestic mountains. Morrigan worried endlessly about his favorite daughter, watching over her day and night. Yet his own age had caught up with him, and upon his death the peace of Vausthelm was passed to his eldest son, Ragnar.

“A few months later, Clare learned that she was with child. Ragnar tried desperately to cover up the scandal, but the news soon spread among the people. Ashamed and embarrassed of his disgraced sister, he turned Clare out of his house, disowning her completely. He instructed his guards to follow Clare, and when she was safely outside of the kingdom, to do away with her and the illegitimate child. Ragnar then returned to his victorious kingdom and never spoke of his youngest sister again.

“Yet Ragnar’s unease at Clare's ramblings and mysterious pregnancy could not be silenced. He toiled for years, searching the mountains for any sign of the magic his forsaken sister had rambled about. No such kingdom was found however. No mortal that now lives in the world of Men has ever encountered the lost races. The Elves, Giants, and Dwarves seemed to have vanished into thin air, leaving no trace of their continued existence or whereabouts.

“The Vausthelm Kingdom has grown over the years, doubling in size and grandeur. Sadly, it seems the magic of the old days has been lost forever. Nobody lives who remembers where the Elves and Giants were banished to, and no Dwarf dwelling has ever been discovered."

The silence lay heavy upon the air as Toark's last words echoed into silence. Eóvan shivered slightly, unsure if it was the fading warmth of the fire that had grown dim or the grim beginning attributed to Men in the story that had caused the chill. He had heard bits and pieces of this tale as a young child, but never in such completion. Toark seemed to know a great deal about the legend.

Eóvan longed to ask him questions and learn more, but was having trouble regaining his thoughts. Bryynt, nevertheless, seemed to be less befuddled, although he too seemed a little foggy about the eyes.

“You claim to know much about this folklore,” Bryynt accused, darkly.

“The stories have been passed down through the years,” Toark replied. “I simply try to keep them alive.”

He took no notice of Bryynt's hostility, but rather looked back at Eóvan with sad eyes. Eóvan noticed something there that caught his attention.

“You said in the beginning that this had something to do with ‘who I am’,” he implored. “What did you mean? It seems to me that this is as much about you and Bryynt as it is about me!”

Toark shook his head slowly at boy.

“You weren't listening closely, Eóvan. Did you hear nothing I told you about Clare? Has Anna told you nothing of your own history?” Toark's words scolded, but his eyes searched Eóvan face anxiously.

“What about her?” Eóvan scoffed. “You said that she was murdered.” The quip about Anna stung his heart with a new surge of sadness.

“Aye, lad, she was.” Toark explained. “But Ragnar's guards made a grave mistake when tracking her. You see, Clare was no fool. She knew that her ruthless brother would have his guards follow her, and quickly sought to lose them. When the soldiers finally caught up with her she had already delivered her baby and hidden the child safely in the household of a trusted friend.”

“So you're saying that I'm somehow related to Clare's child?” Eóvan asked skeptically. Toark was crazy!

“No, son.” Toark answered, shaking his head. “I'm not saying that you're related to Clare's child. I am saying you are Clare's child. You, Eóvan, are the son of the Elven prince, Paladin.”

A few moments of silence passed after this profound proclamation, and then Bryynt began to laugh hysterically.

“Eóvan, the son of the Elvish prince and nephew to the human King? You've been smoking too much prairie-weed, Toark!” Bryynt managed to choke out his incredulity before collapsing back into a state of laughter.

Toark said nothing, but filled his pipe yet again. Eóvan was still staring at the old barman in disbelief.

“That is simply impossible, Toark,” he stated rationally, shaking his head at the large man.

“And why is that?” Toark growled, his head snapping up at Eóvan’s blithe remark.

“Well, first of all, my mother's name wasn't Clare,” Eóvan explained patiently. “Secondly, she died giving birth to me.”

Toark shook his head once more.

“That is what Anna told you; that is what Anna told everybody! If the King or his court had known you existed,” the old man shuddered, “it would have been very bad. Very bad indeed.”

Eóvan glared skeptically at the barman, but could think of nothing else to counter the claim. Bryynt came to the rescue, however.

“If Eóvan is who you say he is, why haven't any Elves,” he emphasized the word, “come looking for him?”

“I am left to believe that Paladin has not yet learned of your existence, Eóvan. I am sure that he would have come if he had known.” Eóvan's head was spinning, it was too much information to take in all at once.

“My name is Elvish, isn't it?” he asked. “Eóvan.”

Bryynt stared incredulously.

“You can't actually believe him,” the older boy insisted. “He's shadowing the dragon, Eóvan.”

Eóvan glanced at Bryynt, whose last comment seemed to strike a chord within the cottage; he then looked at Toark, debating.

“Prove it,” he demanded of Toark at last. “If you can prove it, then I will believe you.”

Bryynt snorted at the remark, but otherwise remained silent. It seemed that he wanted to see how far Toark would take this story as well.

“Alright then,” Toark said, stroking his beard in thought. He remained that way for quite some time. “Yes,” he said at last, “that should do it.” He looked down at Eóvan, drawing closer. “Paladin gave a token to Clare when they first met, a symbol of his undying devotion to her. A token which, I'm sure, she would have passed on to you before she left.”

Eóvan stared at Toark in wonderment. He had such a token! Anna kept it in her locked bedroom chest for safe keeping. She had said that it was very rare, and very valuable.

Eóvan jumped up and ran out of the room, into Anna's. He was back before Bryynt could holler in protest. They hadn't entered that room since Anna had died. In his hand, Eóvan held out a small swirling diamond, carved perfectly in an orb, a pigment of dark cerulean blue. It hung from a thin black rope, sparkling off the light from the fire.

Both Toark and Bryynt stared at the token in wonder.

“May I?” Toark asked, respectfully.

Eóvan handed it to him, cautiously. It didn't seem right to have another person handling it, if it really was the token that Toark spoke of. Toark turned the diamond over and over in his hands, holding it very close to his large brown eye, examining it.

“That's an Udarion diamond,” he pronounced at last, handing it back to Eóvan. “I'm sure of it!”

He then noticed the confused looks that both boys reflected back on him.

“They’re very rare, found only in the mines of Unden, the Dwarves' underground fortress,” he added when he saw the quizzical stares that followed his statement.

Eóvan took the token and tied it around his neck.

“You're going to wear it!” Bryynt yelled, aghast.

“Of course,” Eóvan said simply. “It was meant for me to wear, wasn't it?” He had no more protests. While it still seemed absurd that he could be related to two different royal families, something about the rigid proof of the diamond had convinced him to finally believe Toark's story.

“You've both gone mad.” Bryynt muttered cruelly. “I'll not listen to another word of this!”

He jumped up from his chair and stalked out of the cottage, into the tiresome wind that pounded against the heavy stone walls of their home. Eóvan rose to follow him, to explain, but Toark's massive arm blocked the way.

“Let him go, lad,” he said quietly. “It's a lot to absorb in one night.”

Eóvan nodded and sat back down. He had so many questions.

“How do you know so much about...” Eóvan paused for a minute. He still couldn't quite believe he wasn't dreaming. “...about Clare?”

“I had the fortune of meeting her several times in my youth,” Toark replied, eyes clouded over with memories from the past. “She was a wonderful woman.”

“So it's true!” Eóvan accused. “You did use to work for the king!”

“Where did you hear that?” Toark grunted.

“Ceana mentioned it,” Eóvan replied, cowering a bit. Toark's size seemed to double when he was angry. “In passing,” he added after a minute of thought.

“Well yes,” Toark admitted curtly. “I did; but that was a very long time ago.” The tone of his voice told Eóvan not to push the matter, so he changed the subject.

“Why didn't you tell me this before? Why didn't Anna tell me?”

“It wasn't my place,” Toark threw another log on the fire. “But like I said before, Eóvan, Anna wanted to keep you safe. If you had known, would you have been able to resist telling everybody?”

Eóvan reddened in embarrassment. Toark was probably right.

“But why tell me now?” he challenged. “Anna's death seems hardly a reason to blow a secret she's been harboring my entire life.”

“If it were that simple, Eóvan, I wouldn't have said anything. However, the situation in Loreacha seems to be darkening. All the signs are showing that Ragnar is preparing for another war.”

“What,” Eóvan gasped. “Another war? But with whom? You said that all the other races had disappeared from this land.”

“Aye, son. They disappeared from human knowledge, but that doesn't mean they aren't still there. They had to go somewhere! My guess is they've been biding their time, just as much as the Vausthelm King has been.”

“So you think King Ragnar has found the Elves?” Eóvan implored.

“Doubtful,” Toark scoffed. “The power of the Elves has grown in their solitude. I doubt a living soul could find their cities unless the Elves wanted them to. No, Ragnar could not have located their hidden fortress.”

“But how does telling me who I really am help anything? What is the purpose?”

Toark frowned at Eóvan’s inability to follow the facts through to conclusion.

“Eóvan you are the link between the two royal families; the bridge between the two larges races in Loreacha! You have the power to unite the kingdoms and bring peace to this land once more!”

Eóvan's blue eyes, so opposite Toark's brown ones, froze in shock.

“Are we not already at peace? There is no war going on! Why reveal myself and start a full fledged massacre?” Eóvan was beginning to panic slightly at his predicament.

“You would call this peace, Eóvan?” Toark wondered. “Farmers being taxed so greatly that they cannot even feed their families? Hundreds of creatures banished from their homeland in order to satisfy a king whose only ambition is power? Men imprisoned for misdeeds that their grandfathers committed? You would call that peace?”

Eóvan shook his head, eyes wide with horror.

“No, Eóvan,” Toark continued, “we are not at peace.”

“I can’t do it, Toark,” Eóvan whispered, shaking his head in denial. “I cannot restore justice to all of those people. That is not me! I am not a warrior, I am not anything; I am just Eóvan.”

“You hold more power that you think you do,” Toark growled insistently. “You're name alone gives you the strength to fulfill this destiny.”

“My name?” Eóvan marveled. “How does my name do that? What does it mean?”

The young boy held his breath. He had long since wondered the truth behind the foreign name.

“In Elvish, ‘Eóvan’ means ‘gracious leader’, ‘a well born fighter’.”

“How do you know?”

Eóvan's voice had dropped below a whisper, but the old barman did not answer. Eóvan sighed with frustration. The secrecy was beginning to irritate him.

For a quarter of an hour there was no sound in the cottage save for the crackling fire and the puffing of Toark's pipe. Eóvan stared into the dancing flames, pondering the meaning behind all he had learned.

“And if I choose not to?” he challenged. “If I choose to ignore this responsibility you so casually place on me, what then?”

“Then you doom the entire population of Loreacha to a bloody ending!” Toark snarled. “The Elves’ power has increased, but so has the Vausthelm King’s! They would embrace each other in a battle so brutal that it would wipe out all means of survival! There would be no end to the fighting, and hundreds more innocent lives will be lost!

“You're mother gave her life and saved you because she believed in the equality of all races, Eóvan. If you would turn her sacrifice to dirt, you are not who I thought you were. Are you really that selfish, boy?”

Eóvan ducked his head in shame. Toark was right; he was being selfish and heartless. He may not have asked for the weight of this responsibility, but it was his just the same.

“I wouldn't even know where to begin!” Eóvan whispered. “How am I supposed to find the Elves and stop a war before it starts?”

Toark’s eyes were gleaming.

“There is another story that explains that. One that is less known, if you would like to hear it.”

“Yes,” Eóvan nodded eagerly. “Of course I would!”

Toark grunted and reached inside his traveling bag once more. When he found no more prairie-weed, he frowned and abandoned his pipe. Eóvan was more than grateful that Toark had exhausted his supply for tonight.

“These facts are less certain,” Toark began, Eóvan hanging onto his every word. “But it is said that Clare first ran away to avoid an arranged marriage. She had gone to the Great Cliffs in search of an answer. The cliffs were her one sanctuary from the castle life. Clare went there often to be alone and to think.”

Toark cleared his throat. He seemed to lack confidence with this story. Perhaps it was the absence of his pipe that made it so.

“Morrigan had arranged for Clare to marry one of his greatest soldiers, a man who had risen to the top of the army in just a few short years. The man was not much older than Clare and Morrigan thought him to be a fine match for his favorite daughter. Clare did not agree, however. She was loathe to marry against her will and rejected the man at every advance. When Morrigan ordered Clare to accept the soldier's proposal, Clare ran away in desperation.

“As usual, Clare ran to the Cliffs. Only this time, she encountered a group that she did not intend. A small outpost of Elves was camped on the highest cliff, well out of sight from the prying eyes of the Vausthelm Kingdom. They had been keeping watch over the land since their defeat, sending envoys once a year to observe the kingdom. The Elves were determined to be prepared if the king launched another attack.

“The group that Clare met was made up of Paladin, the Elvish prince, and a guard of four others. When Paladin saw Clare's beauty, he let down the magic that was concealing their presence and revealed himself to her. It is said that the two fell in love at first sight.

“Paladin took Clare back to the Elvish Kingdom with him. However, when the Elvish queen learned of this union Clare was turned out of their realm; not because the Elves did not approve of their relationship, but because the Elvish queen knew that Morrigan would not stop searching for Clare until she was found. Her presence left their entire race vulnerable.

“Although Paladin and Clare were deeply in love, they both agreed that their union would break the peace and secrecy that had survived in both worlds for so long. They parted ways and Clare returned home to Vausthelm.”

Toark’s eyes were sparkling with tears but he did not wipe them away. Instead, he turned a watery eye upon Eóvan.

“You know the rest of the story from there, lad.” Toark whispered.

Eóvan nodded in agreement. His own eyes were swimming with tears as well. He fingered the token around his neck, a lump growing painfully in his throat. Never before had he felt so close to his mother. Anna's stories had always been lacking information, and Eóvan now knew what that information was. He looked up at Toark, still confused.

“But that does not explain how to find the Elves,” he protested quietly.

The magic of Toark's stories was beginning to take its toll on Eóvan's energy.

“Ah,” Toark replied. “Yes, I had almost forgotten. When Paladin revealed himself to Clare on the Great Cliffs he bound himself to her, giving her the same token that you now wear as a symbol of that promise. If Clare ever had a need for him, she was to return to the Cliffs and call for him. Paladin’s promise was the he would hear her cries, and would return for her.”
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Old 15-12-2008, 04:40 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Three

Good writing. I'm not at my PC right now, so a detailed review will follow at a later time, but I just wanted you to know that I liked this one (as well).
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Old 15-12-2008, 04:51 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Three

Ah - you found a name for your fictitious country. I like.

And the plot - and the tension - thickens. You do know how to weave a tale, Kit. And to think you were tentative about your fiction. Interesting; I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes. You're building up to something here; I can feel it.

Nicely done, hun.
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Old 16-12-2008, 07:33 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Three

Oooh, you really know how to finish a chapter! That was a real surprise and it definitely has got me hooked with that bit!

But this begs a lot of questions...

If Eóvan has the normal lifespan of a human, that would mean that the casting out of the faerie folk is actually recent history. So why would it be forgotten already? In fact wouldn't all the people still be living under the rule of Fallon or maybe his son? But it seems like the name is almost forgotten.

On the other hand, if Eóvan has the lifespan of an Elf (measured in centuries) then he should already know there is something very different about him. People would be born and die while he stays relatively unchanged. Dealing with that, and keeping the fact hidden, would be a significant part of his personality.

These are the things that pop into my mind right away. I'm not saying the timeline is all wrong per se, but in the coming chapters, such things will need to be explained.

Here's some very specific comments I have...

Quote:
"Those are nothing but legends," he said, "firetales. Giants and goblins?
Shouldn't firetales be capitalized since it is a standalone sentence in the quote?

Quote:
such things; but the traders, farmers, and other children spoke of them
This sounds like he is suggesting traders and farmers are a kind of children. If you replaced "other children" with just "children, it wouldn't sound like that. I also think the sentence would be better served if you replaced the semi-colon with a comma.

Quote:
Embarrassed beyond belief,
This is a very twentieth-century manner of speech. It feels out of place in this setting.

Once again, you've created a very interesting and engaging chapter. I liked getting the history of the land and of Eovan. I like Toark. You described him very well and gave him a lot of depth. He has a distinct personality. Bryynt's reaction to him is very good too. It shows many layers to the society when they have many different beliefs within it. Your writing is very smooth. The process of reading it alone is a pleasure.

Keep going! I'm having fun with it and look forward to more.
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Old 16-12-2008, 10:02 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Three

Wow! I hadn't even considered that the word choices might be out of place. Hmm....thanks for pointing that out!!

Also, thanks for the ideas for the sentencing...I'll be sure to fix those.

Now, for the most important aspect. I agree with your idea about the timeline..I'll have to think on that one for a bit. I was planning on having Fallon's son still be in rule...but I hadn't thought about the fact that people would still remember elves and such. Hmmmm... I will definitely have to think on that one. Thanks for pointing it out!!!
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Old 19-12-2008, 05:59 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Three

Just like the two other parts this one is great, however I'm really missing some glue between these different fantasy vignettes. I'm still not sure about the chronology and the beginning with "a lot had happened in the past few days." we as readers have no idea what that's refering to. well never mind I asume this is gonna make sense down the road when you put all the pieces together, but it's rather hard to tell whether your plot and characters and stuff is working when we're only seeing flashes of the story here and there.

Now as a pipe smoker myself I need to tell you a few things ... firstly; pipes aren't disgusting :p... well actually what I just wanted to point out is that it's probably not a very good idea to have Toark lighting the pipe with a match since matches as we know them were only inventet a couple of hundred years ago. Unless it's a fantasy world with gunpowder and steamengines you might wanna say that he lit it with a wooden splinter lit at the fireplace.

When I read the ending I thought the same as ea blue about how it didn't seem to fit in the timeline, but I'm sure you'll work that out, another thing about that is how easily Eóvan jumps to the conclussion that he was related to the princess, I think it should be the last thing he would guess, if he's some kind of commoner he won't belive that he's related to a princess.

Well other than that I liked the telling of the lands history, but I think I would considder killing of the dwarfes and the elves and inventing something new... Tolkien did elves and dwarfes well, now we should let them die in peace (I hope you're reading this Paolini and Feast).
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Old 19-12-2008, 07:34 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Three

"Do away with the dwarves and elves?" She says hysterically. "Where would my story be then?"

THANK YOU, Arnklit, for your reads, reviews, and advice! I really appreciate having different ideas thrown my direction. (BTW...I'm referring to all of your posts here, I don't want to over do these threads with my endless posts of thanks )

I don't intend to stick with traditional ideas about dwarves and elves in this story. Does that spark your interest a bit?? I realize that they have been overused quite a bit in fiction recently. (I caught the references to other authors...) However, I might ask if you had other creatures in mind?? What direction would I go if I dropped them all together? If you noticed, I did add other creatures into the mix as well...witches, senegals (my own creation), giants, goblins...
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Old 19-12-2008, 08:04 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Three

About the creatures I actually think that staying with humans, but simply having different languages and cultures seems to work well for a lot of authors. Jordan has his Aiel and the Seanchan, Martin has the Dothraki and the Wildings etc. But some authors like Tad Williams create their own humanoid species - The Sithi, who are actually quite elflike.

I guess it's just taking a peoples traits and letting it reflect in their physical appearance... atleast it seems so in the case of elves and dwarfes.

well sorry I went out this tangent... looking forward to seeing what creatures end up in your story
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Old 19-12-2008, 02:54 PM
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Re: Firetales: Part Three

Again highly readable. The obvious chronological problems have been mentioned already. Perhaps Eovan could be right, and he is actually a descendant. I think the character is more interesting if he is fundamentally human but with just a slight trickle of elf-blood in him. Maybe the heritage is something he has to awaken? If that was the case he could start off human and gradually become more elven as he realised his destiny.

I enjoyed Toark's storytelling immensely. In fact I imagined Ian Mkellen reading it to me! However I feel that it's a rather large chunk of dialogue that needs to be broken up by more characterisation. Perhaps he could stop at some point and empty/refill his pipe? Maybe Bryynt could interrupt and have a grumble about it?

Also, the first line
Quote:
Toark's eyes never left my face as he lit his pipe, eyeing me with his dark brown eyes that seemed to know all.
Unless Toark is some sort of fantasical beast that can also see with his fingers, you really don't need to mention that he eyed Eovan up with his eyes (which we already know have never left Eovan's face). That's kind of implied. Perhaps change "eyeing" to "observing" or "scrutinizing", and replace the second use of the word "eyes" with "orbs". Dark brown orbs sound pretty intense.

Edit: I forgot to mention, I really like how you bring the title 'Firetales' into the dialogue.

On to the next part.
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Old 07-01-2009, 03:55 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Five

"You've been smoking too much prairie-weed, Toark” Bryynt managed"

Add a comma.


“If Eóvan is who you say he is, why haven't any Elves,” he emphasized the word, “come looking for him?”
“I am left to believe that Paladin has not yet learned of your existence, Eóvan. I am sure that he would have come if he had known.” Eóvan's head was spinning, it was too much information to take in all at once.


Split these paragraphs.

Good job, I guess there was no hidden message sown into the rug after all. A nice twist to the story with the half human/ half elf Eovan. Nice job.
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Old 07-01-2009, 05:13 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Five

LOL. Thanks Tim!! I laughed when I read your earlier post and I was wondering how you were going to react to this development.. Glad you're enjoying..

Thanks for catching all of my errors!!!
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Old 17-01-2009, 12:08 PM
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Re: Firetales: Part Five

By now, you should have a complete handle on titling/labeling your Chapters/Parts.

Maybe…(His) long, curly black hair fell over his eyes as (Toark) fumbled to light the piep with a flint from the fire(place.)

Question-Eovan was ‘confused’ and ‘ignored’ by Toark? This sentence (for me) reads awkwardly.

Is the ‘void,’ (Void) an actual location?

I’m not 100% certain, but should ‘the’ be here…but (the) traders, farmers, and (the village’s children) spoke of them often.

Maybe…However, the race of Men (grew) rapidly.

Maybe…Fallon grew angrily,

Maybe it would be more appropriate to say ’Man,’ instead of ’Men?’ It would be understood of course that you are speaking of more than one ’man.’

Maybe…His pipe had burned out and he struggled to relight it.

I think…,the remainder of their race (fled) from this world; for although (the) Giants were large and incredibly strong, they lacked the skills and brain power of (Man’s soldiers.)

Maybe…Soon, all that stood/remained in Loreacha, were the Elves and Men.

Maybe…His desire grew to an unnatural lust to dominate over the entire world.

Maybe…For a short time, (their) fighting ceased. It seemed as if there would be nothing more than humanly peace. Three generations came and went, flourishing exponentially. Fallon’s grandson, Morrigan now ruled the race of Man/Men.

Maybe…The Elves had (always kept an eye over/on the Vausthelm Kingdom.) When Clare met Eleven, Prince (of) Paladin, they’d fallen deeply in love. So much so that soon after their encounter, they run away together beyond the walls of Prince Paladin’s castle. Heartbroken and furious, Morrigan had his soldiers scour the land in search for her. They had found her wandering the cliffs/borders/edges of GreatHorn Mountains.

Maybe…The victorious Vausthelm soldiers returned Princess Clare to Morrigan’s domain. Her return was never quite the same. Princess Clare informed the King, her father, that she had run off with a lowly farm boy. He had turned her out once learning of her true identity. In her nightly sleeps, it was rumored (soon to be confirmed) that she spoke of magical enchantments. Her whispering lips spoke of a way to the Elven Kingdom, through their majestic mountains. The King worried endlessly about his daughter, he had her watched day and night. Still, Morrigan realized that he had a way to the Elven Kingdom.

King Morrigan made attempts through his daughter’s dreams, to have maps made showing a direct location to the Elven Kingdom. As his scholars and soldiers made their maps, King Morrigan learned that his beloved daughter was pregnant. Disgusted to his beating heart, King Morrigan strived to cover up the scandal. All of his attempts failed. The rumors spread like wildfire throughout his entire kingdom. Furious by his daughter’s unforgivable act, the King banned his daughter outside of his sight, beyond the stone walls of his domain. The King was no fool, he had an insight into the Elven Kingdom and he wasn’t going to waste it. He had ordered his soldiers to follow her. He had ordered also, to kill the young princess once her betraying feet touched the borders/edges of the Elven Kingdom. He would have his victory over the Elves. And he would have expanded his glorious Kingdom. (Or something other to these effects.)

You need more stronger words other than ‘Kingdom.’

I think…Morrigan’s uneasiness at/of Clare’s (nightly) ramblings and mysterious pregnancy couldn’t be silenced. *And why do you in the original, have a quotation mark before Morrigan?

Maybe…and his aging rule soon passed down to his eldest son, Prince Ragnar.

I was almost, almost tempted to finish this tale, unfortanely its resemblance to The Lord of the Rings and or of its variation…it was just too much. Perhaps I’ll return someday to read a familiar, but somewhat altered story concerning elves, dwarfs, goblins and whatevers.

I'll save my final rating for another time when my mind doesn't confuse this tale for another similar story, but with more dramatics of course.
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Old 21-01-2009, 09:23 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Five

Quote:
Originally Posted by RENA HANDS;
I was almost, almost tempted to finish this tale, unfortanely its resemblance to The Lord of the Rings and or of its variation…it was just too much.
Hmmmm. Maybe I'm totally out to sea here, but I don't see the resemblance, except maybe for having various fantasy creatures (elves, giants, etc) - and it wouldn't be a fantasy story if you didn't have some of those conventions. One of the things I like about this story is its freshness, and the obvious enthusiasm of its author, which shows in the way it moves along so briskly. I'm enjoying it.
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Old 21-01-2009, 12:52 PM
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Re: Firetales: Part Five

Thanks Rick.
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Old 25-01-2009, 01:17 PM
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Re: Firetales: Part Five

This is a great re-write, Kit. You dealt with that time-line issue very well, and in the process made the background much richer and more interesting. I liked your technique of using Toark as an archivist to tell the tale with brief, and understandable, interruptions from Brynnt and Eovan. I liked that they were unwilling to believe the fabulous tale. That's an understandable reaction and I'm glad you showed that. The way you constructed it eliminates too much 'narrative' that can take the reader out of the story. Your solution is well thought out.

Most excellent work! I hope you're planning more.
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Old 26-01-2009, 04:07 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Five

Thanks ea_blue! I most certainly am planning more....I just need to find the time to write it out! It's all here in my head though. I'm glad you're enjoying and thanks for the re-read/critique!
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Old 23-03-2009, 10:39 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Five

This one was very good, just continued the ongoing story. Your writing style, or at least this stroytelling escapade, is very lord of the rings-ish mixed with a bit of eragon-like writing. I don't know if you like those but that's what I get from it.

I could easily see the story Toark was telling playing through m head, much like a lord of the rings part and just aspects of the story remind me of Eragon, but it seems better than eragon, more believable or something.

Also, so far, it reminds me a this short book I have called father rhine that tells of giants and elves and such.

Anyhow, I'm not sure I found any errors or not, I read it as usual but didn't catch any.
I'm about to read the sixth part, I really like this story and hope you continue.
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Old 23-03-2009, 10:44 AM
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Re: Firetales: Part Five

Still catching up, hon. Nicely done; I can pretty much echo what Eric (ea_blue) said. Good job on the rewrite.
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Old 09-05-2009, 02:05 PM
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Re: Firetales: Chapter 6

Quote:
No such kingdom was found however, and rule quickly passed to Morrigan's eldest son, Ragnar.
Quote:
Nobody lives who remembers where the Elves and Giants were banished to, and no Goblin or Dwarf dwelling has ever been discovered."
How about... ' nobody who lives can remember...'

Quote:
Did you hear nothing (of what?) I told you about Clare? Has Anne told you nothing of your own history?” Toark's words scolded, but his eyes searched Eóvan face anxiously.
Quote:
They (cancel the 'y' in they) Dwarves' underground fortress,”
Quote:
If you had known, would (you?) have been able to resist telling everybody you knew?” Eóvan reddened in embarrassment. Toark was probably right.
Quote:
“And if I choose not to?” he challenged. “if I choose to ignore (delete 'this accept') this accept this responsibility you so casually placeed on me?”
other then a few awkward sentences here and there i must say this is my favorite chapter. finally we are learning more and it is getting a great deal MORE interesting. i never expected that was who Eavon will turn out to be..yes i knew he was going to be some sort of warrior/soldier...because thats what you hinted at ...especially from the dream he had. but this is so much more interesting...a human/elf..? yes now i can say i haven't read stories alot like that. now this is what i'm talking about. you made it different.

Now seriously no reader wants to read the same typical story again and again...well we do...but not so similar you know? good stuff.

and i like the history about the races and men. very very intresting

OKay here it shows that Clare is portrayed as a good person, so this definetly means you need to go back and have her have that internal struggle about leaving her son and stuff. because we don't want her to look like a robot and who only care about her prince. speaking of that i feel like the main characters (eavon & clare) do not have alot of emotions....i dont know how to explain...like hero-like attributes. I don't know they just dont act the way i think they're suppose to. usually in stories the main character or the hero is portrayed as someone really good, who helps others, saves others, selfless bla bla...

but it seems eavon comes of like i dont know...he cares more about himself ...for example

like how come he doesnt have a craft his good at. and when he did ..(the bow and arrow scene) for a moment there he didn't want to share his arrow or bow with bryynt....and he smirked when bryynt couldn't hit the target (feeling a little pleasure and satisfaction because only he can do it?) how it seems like he always has to wait for them (anna & bryynt) . and how he seems abit desperate because he couldn't find a craft he was good at? unless maybe this shows his elvish side...his difference.

okay maybe i'm over analyzing here. but it just doesn't seem like the characteristics of a leader you can look up too? but then again, I for one don't like to make my characters soo 'good' because sometimes when i read stories about the main characters they come off as being too good to be real. Sometimes i throw my hands in the air and think ohhh for god sakes...be a little selfless...a little bad. this is the real world...we cant be too perfect... we have selfish needs too...so which brings us back to this the main hero-like characters have be good...but also not to so good that its sickening. but i suppose more good then bad otherwise they just end up being heartless. so i guess you just have to find a balance between that. to make it realistic.

well thats my opinion anyway.
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Old 02-06-2009, 04:49 AM
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Re: Firetales: Chapter 6

Wonderful piece! I like this one, everything is getting a little crazy and stuff is happening left and right! YIPPY! This chapter more than makes up for the slowness of Chapter 4 & 5.

A few small things, in my opinion, and remember these are my opinion, so take 'em or leave 'em, it won't hurt my feelings.

Quote:
“May I?” asked Toark, respectfully. Eóvan handed it to him, cautiously. It didn't seem right to have another person holding it, if it really was the token Toark spoke of. Toark turned the diamond over and over in his hands, holding it very close to his large brown eye, scrutinizing it.

“That's an Udarion diamond,” he pronounced at last, handing it back to Eóvan. “I'm sure of it. They're very rare, found only in the mines of Unden. They Dwarves' underground fortress,” he added when he saw the quizzical stares that followed his statement. Eóvan took the token and tied it around his neck.

“You're going to wear it!” Bryynt yelled, aghast.

“Of course,” Eóvan said simply. “It was meant for me to wear, wasn't it?” He had no more protests. It seemed absurd that he could be related to royalty, but he finally believed Toark's story.
This part seems a bit rushed and unnatural. I just have a hard time seeing Eovan believing Toark so easily. I mean the necklace. Yes it is something I doubt Anna would normally have, but how does Eovan know it is meant for him, and again Toark tells Eovan its for him, and tells Eovan that the necklace is rare from a Dwarfish mine. Its all based on Toark's word, which Eovan doesn't believe to begin with, so why take his word on some, but not all of it.

I might suggest putting an engravement on the necklace that says Clare on it, or To my beloved Clare. Even then, I'm not sure Eovan would so quickly come to terms that everything to this point in his life has been a lie about who he is and where he came from.
Quote:
“It wasn't my place,” Toark threw another log on the fire. “But like I said before, Eóvan, Anna wanted to keep you safe. If you had known, would have been able to resist telling everybody you knew?” Eóvan reddened in embarrassment. Toark was probably right.

“But why tell me now?” He challenged. “Anna's death seems hardly a reason to blow (expose?)a secret she's been harboring (to up hold) my entire life.”
Quote:
“And if I choose not to?” he challenged. “if I choose to ignore this accept this responsibility you so casually place on me?”
You're either missing an , to or you've forgotten to take out accept this.
Quote:
Toark was right, he was being selfish and immature. He had not asked for the weight of this responsibility, but it was his just the same.
I would rewrite this to smooth it out a bit to something like: Toark was right, he was being selfish, but he had not asked for the weight of this responsibility. However, it seemed as though it was his just the same.

Quote:
He fingered the token around his neck, a lump growing painfully in his throat. He had never felt so close to his mother before. Anna's stories had always been lacking information. Eóvan now knew what that information was. He looked up at Toark, still confused.
It just seems out of place, I would simply say: Anna's stories had always been lacking something, and now he knew what that something was.

This piece on a whole was a bit more bumpy that the previous chapters. Not quite the smooth flow of the rest, but I think some of that has to do with this part of the story. Eovan's world is being turned upside down... and shaken. Also, there is so much happening that I think as a writer, you were more worried about telling the reader everything, than making sure it was nice and neat.
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Last edited by Razor; 02-06-2009 at 05:24 AM.
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Old 02-06-2009, 04:52 AM
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Re: Firetales: Chapter 6

Exactly! LOL. I do want to go back and re-work this chapter...a lot! But I'm waiting until I'm 100% sure I have everything the way I want it to be. I keep tweaking little aspects, which turn into huge changes in the story. I'll just stick to the basics for now

Wow! You are an amazing editor! Thanks so much for all of your feedback!!!
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Old 07-07-2009, 01:54 PM
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Re: Firetales: Chapter 6

Quote:
and rule quickly pass(ed) to Morrigan's eldest son, Ragnar.
Quote:
You've been smoking too much prairie-weed, Toark(,)” Bryynt managed
Quote:
If you had know(n), would (you) have been able to resist telling everybody you knew?” Eóvan reddened in embarrassment. Toark was probably right.
Just some minor errors, most if not all of which were previously mentioned. Great tale so far. Rating... 9.1/10!
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Old 02-09-2009, 04:46 AM
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Re: Firetales: Chapter 6

More intrigue. Eovan learns of his heritage. You're really fleshing this out nicely, Kit. Well done...
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