Drowned Light: Prologue

[smokeytehmonstr]

Synopsis: Athena contemplates her fate. Prologue to a forthcoming story.


Athena of Camphor had always thought she was prepared for death. She was not one of those naïve people who cannot bear to consider their fate, who waste away their days, ignorant of death lurking underfoot, around the corner, or in their wine goblet; nor was she was one of the paranoid wanderers of Crater Town, always looking to the sky and the cliffs, from whence their impending doom might appear. Death was not a particularly morbid or pleasantly distant idea in her mind. It was merely a fact, a natural occurrence that would come for in time. This she knew. She had seen it.

She took another sip of Nicoran cabernet from a glass goblet, frowning at the taste. It was a bad vintage, of course—difficult to expect any less from war wine. Vines grown of blood cannot bear sweet fruit, the saying went, and a truer thing was never said. She swirled the last vespers around and remembered. Had it really been only ten years since the Vineyard War ended? She had been young then, impressionable… idealistic, even—or as idealistic as one with knowledge like hers could be. Freshly graduated from the University, she booked passage across the sea to the Nicoran side of the frontline. She had expected to use nearly all of her graduate stipend on the trip alone, but tickets to a warzone were cheap. Vera Cerrazzo had not known Athena was coming, and had not been exactly welcoming—but then Athena had awful timing; fresh fighting fifty metres west of the border led to this particular cellar being full of ripe wounds and low moans. She set right to work on the nearest patient, a poor fellow with a gash on the side of his abdomen. Clipped by an incoming pike, most likely. She anointed his head with a drop of blood and began to whisper a mantra of unintelligible syllables. Eyes closed, she tried to find her center, to concentrate in the silence of her mind on the spell that would begin the healing process. A moan distracted her; a scream discouraged her. Athena pressed on, resolute.

Sometime later, she felt a tap on her shoulder. Exhausted and weary, she opened her eyes and looked over her shoulder. Vera knelt there, a sad and knowing frown in her eyes. Athena did not need to see the stained sheet over the soldier’s body to know that he was long since dead.

He was the first man who died on Athena’s watch, but he certainly was not the last. Though Vera’s lessons and directions did wonders for her ability and capacity to work the healing magics, there were some wounds that simply would not heal, some soldiers who had too little of themselves left to salvage. Athena saw death many times over, in cellars and deserted, smoky battlefields across the Winelands. She saw it more times than she was able to count, not that she would have wanted to.

“Believe it or not,” said Vera one night, “it’s good that you are here. Honing your skill and your resolve in this place is the best choice you could have made. Some wander the Seven Nations for years as Journeymages, learning much, beholding wonders and horrors. But few ever confront death, and fewer still in the manner it has confronted you. Count yourself lucky. You have seen death; you are prepared.”

Athena was prepared in this way for four more years, until the Revasti warlords were skewered in their own halls by Nicoran lances. The end of the Vineyard War signaled the end of her time as a Journeymage, at least in the eyes of Vera. She was given three casks of war wine as a gift from the Nicoran winelords for her services and sent on her way back to Arctia, back to the University.

The final sip of wine slipped uneasily down her throat. More than ever before, it tasted of iron. She set the glass goblet down on the blackwood table beside her and rose from her chair. The stone floors felt slimy and cold. Her feet would never get used to the feeling of it. More quickly than she had intended, she moved to the spiral stair and descended. The fourth floor, then the third, and then the second were ignored, until she reached the first floor. Constructed of blackwood planks and decorated with rugs and tapestries imported from Omsk, it was the only room in the place that was truly hers. Leather bindings called to her from their shelves across the room. A faint smile on her face, Athena started across the room towards them.

Three sharp raps brought her to a stop. No one from Camphor climbed the Dread Steppes anymore, and especially this long past sundown. Her smile turned abruptly to a puzzled frown as she made her way toward the door. Her hand hesitated at the knob; she attempted to ignore it. Fist closed tight, she turned the knob and opened the door.

A young girl, black-haired and violet-eyed, stared up at Athena. She could not have been more than thirteen, breasts barely budding under her heavy black cloak, emblazoned with the insignia of the University.

“My name is Iris Hirao,” the girl said. “I’ve come to study under you as a Journeymage.”

Athena had thought she was prepared for death—after all, she had seen it. She just hadn’t expected it to come for her so soon.

[Vorcla]

Short and succinct; a prologue that gets right down to business. One of the more literate subs I've seen in this genre, Austin. Makes me want to read more. Nicely done.

[smokeytehmonstr]

Thank you, Rick. Honestly, I was a little worried that it was too short and too succinct, but I think I like it. It sets up a mystery, and hopefully that will hold the reader through the next couple chapters.

[Alex]

I don't think it was too short, after all, it is the prologue and Ive seen actual chapters this shoort. Really good read, I enjoyed the way you told the story but I have one question.

More quickly than she had intended, she moved to the spiral stair and descended. The fourth floor, then the third, and then the second were ignored, until she reached the first floor, thankfully constructed of blackwood planks and decorated with rugs and tapestries imported from Omsk.

I don't understand this. Is it thankful that it's constructed of blackwood planks or is it thankful she made it to the first floor. Or maybe you're saying it's thankfully made of blackwood planks so that she didn't feel the slimy, cold stone floor on her feet. Please explain.

Otherwise, it was really good. Looking forward to seeing more of this.

[smokeytehmonstr]

Originally Posted by Alex

I don't understand this. Is it thankful that it's constructed of blackwood planks or is it thankful she made it to the first floor. Or maybe you're saying it's thankfully made of blackwood planks so that she didn't feel the slimy, cold stone floor on her feet. Please explain.

It's the third one. lol I'll go make that clearer right now. Thanks for your comments!

[dorian hanes]

First, let me say, ‘I Love Ancient Roman Mythology.’Second, ‘I LOVE Egyptian Mythology even more,’so with that said, here are my thoughts…

1. Possibly ‘could not’ here…(She was not one of those naïve people who ‘could not’ bear to consider their fate,…) (?)

2. Maybe…(She too another sip of (the) Nicoran cabernet from (the) glass goblet, frowning at (its bitter after* taste.))(?)

3. ‘War wine’ seems ‘flat.’ I would think on the ‘eve of war,’ the ‘taste’ and or ‘look’ of foods and or wines would be more invigorating. A ‘substance’ that would take on a life so ‘bone chilling,’ mind staining that the word(s) to describe either and or both too should be OUTRAGEOUS, but in a positive way.

4. Maybe…(She had been (so) young then,) (?)

5. Where is this Nicoran? I mean is, was this an actual ancient, possible present day island off the coast of some Mediterranean Island?

6. I think, maybe…(…, but tickets to (the) war-zone were/was cheap.) (?)

7. The idea/imagery of fighting should be a paragraph onto itself, I think.

8. Maybe...(He was the first man to die on Athena’s watch, but he certainly would not be the last.) (?)

9. Where is the ‘activities’ of this ‘war?’The loud, bone chilling bombings. The screaming of the serious injured and or dying? Where is the gun fire? I understand that this is only the ‘Prologue,’ but there seems (to me at least) that a GREAT deal of imagery, action, thought(s), emotions, etcetera, etcetra…missing.

10. Why would the warlords praise and or celebrate, acknowledge Athena’s actions during the ‘war,’ but not of others?

11. Who is Vera? And what is the significance of her role in this tale?

Your first/introduction paragraph is a bit ‘lifeless.’ You are jumping scene from scene in my opinions and you are not doing so Dramatically. I understand that there will be ‘more,’ but I think there should have been ‘more’ here worth, warranting a continuous read of ‘what is to come.’

[smokeytehmonstr]

Hmm...I'll consider some of your more specific suggestions when I'm feeling more coherent. One a.m. is no time to revise something. However, I do recognize that I can add some more information. I was fearful of adding too much right now...it would spoil some of the surprise later. But some stuff I can definitely add more to.

But I thought I would clear something up really quick: this story is set in an original world that will be explored in much further detail later on. Nicora is, thus, a fictional locale. The world in which the nation of Nicora exists, however, is based loosely on an amalgamation of high medieval-early renaissance European culture. Roman mythology is quite outdated by that time, and Egyptian myth even more so. However, yes, Athena's name does harken back to Roman myth. It's not a direct allusion, but Athena does share some characteristics with her namesake goddess...which will be seen later.

[smokeytehmonstr]

Also, please bear with me on this, timing wise. These last four weeks of school are not going to be friendly to my outside writing time...

[dorian hanes]

Ah, the world that is ‘education,’ I remember it well…lol.

I am going to, but not now obviously make an attempt to bring my point across once more. I shall try this tomorrow for now it is 12:55AM and I am in dire need for sleep and rejuvenation.

[smokeytehmonstr]

Oh, no. I got your point, Rena. I just don't have time to fix this right now...

[creativeminds]

yes school.. it is fun.. it does cut into the writting time, as well and work does... sigh.. But anyways, into your story, I loved the mythology that you have. Though it is a slow pull into the reader, or I found that anyways. Your jumps between past and present are a bit rough, But then again i am not the writer, just a reader... but overall the story is good

[smokeytehmonstr]

Thanks.

[Gurdit]

I like the prologue. There were quite a few things in there that I would maybe have had to refer to wikipedia or dictionary.com. However, what I liked what that I didn't absolutely have to...it was optional. It wasn't so far distant to understand that I got lost.

Don't worry about the length, I think it's fine.

The ending is really what clung to me. It really just made me go "Wha-?". Could the Journeymage be the harbinger of Athena's death, or worse still...could she be Athena's death herself in some form? Hmm...

Since this is a prologue, there's not much I can say about the characterization. I would have liked to know Athena's age, though; I really would. Also would have liked to know if she is romantically involved with someone or whether she's to live her life celibate, etc. However, this is just the prologue after all.

I gotta tell you though, I like your writing style. I like your descriptions...they're just perfect. Nothing too much, and not too less. It kinda makes me jealous because I can't write like that. I will be keeping an eye out for the next few parts.

[smokeytehmonstr]

Gurdit, thank you for responding! (And so kindly! )I see what you mean about her age and some other details...when I get back to this, I'll try to work them in.

[sawreese]

Whew... Nice prologue, but I think I can make a few suggestions. I'm out of ice tea at the moment and also out of money so I'm in a pretty questionable mood. I don't like to try and comment on very specific minor details, because I'm not very good at them myself, but I took particular interest in

Sometime later, she felt a tap on her shoulder. Exhausted and weary...

to

But few ever confront death, and fewer still in the manner it has confronted you. Count yourself lucky. You have seen death; you are prepared.”...

It may smooth the flow of the passage if you could turn those different events into one scene, where Vera says all of those things in some type of conversation after the soldier has died. It is okay as it is, but it slightly chops up the flow of the story if you know what I mean. Hardly noticeable though.

[smokeytehmonstr]

No, I see what you mean. Thanks for pointing that out! I'll try to work that out a bit when I get back to this. Thanks!

[Persephone]

Wow, you built up your story's world really well, and the cliff hanger is good too. Not too overdone or dramatic-y. I like it.