Synopsis: One in a series of many. This is the prologue to the story which I hope lives up to my expectations. A story of a murderer turned healer, who has had more than one life to live his mistakes over again, and correct them. And he turns into the greatest healer and doctor that Juridia has ever known. His father is a god, where his mother is a mere mortal. His father - is the god of healing. More on this later ^^;
But this is his birth - His ever-so-humble beginnings. His first glimpse of what he is to become.
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Soul : Beginning of a Legacy
Prologue
"The smallest of mistakes,
can produce the greatest miracles."
~ Juridian Proverb
It was not an easy birth. Samantha Arrikanez was exhausted, and the midwife feared for her life. But at least the babe was alive, and appeared to be healthy. The father was not present, nor would he be.
It had been a very brief and whirlwind romance. Samantha had met "David" in the back of a shady little tavern situated in the middle of Khet'latal. The Tirrab's Whiskers was a popular hangout for ladies of all walks, and men to equal them.
Sam had been the entertainment that night, and had been taking a break when she meet "David". It had been but one night, but it had felt like a lifetime. In the morning, "David" was gone, and left in his place was Sam's pregnancy. The doctor had said it was impossible to carry this child to term, and had offered his services in that field. But Sam had vehemently disagreed, carrying her child, and bearing it. It was this birth that would rob her of her life. Though slight of frame, Samantha was strong. Strength, the midwife would say later, was all that got her through this birth alive.
He was a little boy, as round-faced, pink, and perfect as anyone could hope for. But Samantha never saw her child. The midwife could not stop the bleeding, and she died within the hour after he was born. The midwife was beside herself. Not only had she lost the mother, but it seemed as though she would lose the baby as well. She was unable to produce any means of feeding the child, but she would need to, and quickly. She finally found some milk in the house, and although it wasn't preferable, and starting to go a little sour, it was the only thing she had. The baby suckled happily at the bottle as the midwife held him in her lap. Looking down at him, she sighed lightly, and rocked him, remembering when she had done the same with her own two. Only this babe was alive. Her own children had both been stillborn.
"You need a name." she cooed lightly.
She looked around at the dank and dark little house, lit by a single candle near the bed. Samantha's body still lay in the bed, still and cold now. But the child had to have a name. The midwife smiled down at the babe, and stroked his tiny head, with its soft suggestion of hair. Such a will to live this one had and such strength of heart. Such a beautiful soul...
"Soul..." she whispered to herself. "Your name shall reflect your strength. I shall call you Soul."
The babe began to cry. He didn't like it in this new and bright, brilliant world. He wanted to be back in the warmth he had left. It was cold; there was no heat in the room. He shivered softly, and let out a weak sigh. Soon enough, Soul fell into a light sleep.
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The room he stepped into was white. He was older, far older. He seemed to smile gently as he looked up at a throne, and the figure upon it, garbed in white and silver. Without quite knowing why, he found himself walking easily towards the shining figure, and dropping to his knees before it, with his head bowed. The figure spoke, in a soft and soothing voice, pure love flowing from every word.
Your mother is with me now, dear Soul. And she wishes you well.
The figure paused in his words, and Soul lifted his head to take him in. He was magnificent, glowing and sparkling with every move he made. So full of light and sorrow, it seemed that Soul's heart would burst from looking at this man... this god.
And now I must pass on to you, what you must hear the figure boomed.
You are to do great things in your life, Soul. You are to show the world that not everything is not as it seems, and to spread your light to the far reaches of the planet. You are to make miracles, child.
Without speaking, Soul agreed, excited, but he did not know of these feelings yet.
You are to take my place, Soul, one day. But now, you must focus on surviving. It will not be an easy life for you, my son. But you must prevail. Only you can heal this world of all the ills borne upon it. This I will expect of you - for you are of my blood, and of my will. You will remember none of this, until the time has come upon you. Soul, see the Light in yourself, and set things right. I have faith in you, my son.
Soul beamed up at his father, this god, and bowed his head in agreement. And impossible as it may have seemed, he found himself speaking words in a voice which he did not yet possess.
"I will do my best to obey you, father."
With those words, the dream dissolved, and the small little room with only one candle-lit corner swam before his eyes. He felt as if there were something he had to do, but somehow it didn't feel very important. For now, he slipped back into a restless sleep, closing his eyes to the dark and depressing life he had been born to, and sinking into dreams of a better place.
Author's Note: Juridia is a place where there are many stories. This is not the only one. Even after the story of Soul... there are others. Many others. And I shall bring them all to life.
Last edited by Arrikanez; 08-06-2005 at 05:23 AM.
Reason: Fixing repitition error
I like the prologue. it has me wanting to read the next part which is great. I like the general style of writing.
When "David" speaks I thought he was a little repetative. I understand that he was trying to drive home how his son "must" do this and that but try wording it a little different.
I liked it. when the midwife was holding the baby and talking to it trying figure out a name you get this warm comforting feeling even though the mother has past away. a sense of secureness. everything fit into place. I liked this story very much. I hope you get going with the rest of them soon. I have to agree with darkpower though it is a little repetitive with the "you must". How about "do well to stay alive, to stay calm and solid. and then the last line could be like this "You must soul...my son. This you must do not only for me...but for yourself." that probably sounds worse but something like that. im sure you can come up with better stuff. well keep it up. good story!
Is commenting under your own work allowed? XD
But yes. I have edited "David's" speech, as I saw the poor way I phrased that. I think this sounds much better. :: nod ::
my suggestion would be to cast an element of uncertainty on the presuppositions like "you are to do / show / make" ; if "David" shows feelings of ambivalence between hope and doubt on whether his son will succeed in his quest - it makes me, the reader wonder about the sheer level of adversity Soul will face during his life
This could also play into Souls character as an orphan, he will obviously harbour feelings of abandonment towards his father, and his motivation to succeed in his quest (apart from saving the world and a damsel in distress :p ) could be drawn from his willingness to seek his fathers faith and approval - which is a fundamental human trait especially of that in orphans
It was excellent, only thing I thought stuck out was the name David, in all the fantasy books I've read, haven't heard David, but it was excellent. Keep em up!
The only reason I couldn't give highest mark is that I'm reserving judgement until I can read your later developments. It's hard to make someone who would normally be a supporting role into a protagonist but I think you can pull it off judging from the writing skills you've already displayed.
One suggestion I would make is that you elevate your character to an assassin as opposed to a murderer. This will establish the grey area that I love to read about in main characters, emphasize his redemption, and provide inner conflict where the character battles with his old habits and his newer, higher morality. Not only that, but you'll add some formidability to your character. You could even develop the rationale that it was easy for him to convert from healer to assassin because he already knew about the various poisons and properties of the human body. I'm guessing that this story will be more about politics and intrigue than action since the main character is a healer but, I'll say this much, I'd pick it off the shelves if for no other reason than the opportunity to read about an orginial character.
I love the name of the character. It is simple yet implies a great deal.
The only gripe I have is that you reveal too much in your introduction. You practically state that he will either assume the mantle of his father or become a savior that will heal the land. Don't give that away too soon. Make the readers become disgusted at the way your protagonist acts, bring about the redemption, then force him into a point of sacrifice or choice where he transcends his earlier transgressions but don't reveal it until the very end...
Oh, and as to earlier comments about the name "David", I disagree. I think you are emphasizing the fact that it is indeed an ambiguous name and this should be definitely inferred. It established the mystery behind the identity of the father in an obvious fashion without having to go into great length and gives the reader something to ponder. I applaud your decision.
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The sadness stood,
Isolating the land,
An isle of peace,
I really liked reading this and want to read all that you can come out with.
Though this one part did throw me.
"...show the world that NOT everything is NOT as it seems,..."
But I'm not to good with grammer or whatever so I'm not to sure.
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"[A] spider tried to attach its [web] to a rock below.... [It tried seven times and missed].... On the eighth try, it succeeded. God seems far away [sometimes], but if we persevere, he will reward us. Just as he rewarded the spider."Robert the Bruce
Nice concept! The idea behind this is brilliant. I think you've done a pretty good job here with the prologue; it gives us just enough information to keep us wanting more. I could find no fault in your writing and the voice of the piece was just right. I'm off to read the next one! Nice work.
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Go vote on a challenge or will eat you!
Quote:
Oh...you...you...you BIG BAD WOLF! Bad girl! You go potty on the paper! BAD Girl!!!
Quite an impressive story. You've managed to do what a lot of writers can't. That is to shorten your phrases to the point where they are easily understood, yet gave it a certain level of majesty rarely found nowadays. Hope you can keep it up in the actuall story. The only advice I can give is to try to integrate larger words later on to expand on the majestic tone of the story.
__________________ "I generally sleep, eat, and sleep when I get tired of the other two..."
It was an interesting read. Not like many of the fantasy books that I have read. I am interested to continue to read and see the journy that Soul has to complete for David. I like how the begining was " Nor will the father be there" and then ever so lightly you tell the ready that David this god, is the father of soul. This left me wondering the existance of sould and his purpose and how he will carry it out
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Time is a paradox, waiting to be undone.
I read this before and i dont know why i didn't comment. its pretty good, you left the reader wanting more. sometimes i read prologue or (as everybody usually does) the description at the back of a book before purchasing it, to see if i'm gonna buy it. and this would definitely lure me in. good stuff.
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My penmanship is hardpressed / with wordy
weight / hurried and broken / unpracticed, unscripted / untamed
Last edited by Dark-huntress; 10-06-2009 at 05:41 PM.
Soul - Beginning of a Legacy (Prologue)
Re: Soul - Beginning of a Legacy (Prologue)
will eat you!
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