[Odanion]

Synopsis: A young boy hears a ghostly voice asking for help, before he knows it he is drawn into a world unlike his own, where men and woman alike fight for a better world. In this world he meets the person who was trying to communicate with him, and has decided to help in anyway he can. (This story contains a mixture between a fantasy realm, and a down to earth feel of a romance beginning

Chapter 1: The Haunting


A loud scream was heard throughout an entire neighborhood but only one person actually heard it. A young boy sprung up in bed. "What was that?" he wondered while wiping the sweat off of his forehead. The boy went to the room of his parents and knocked on the door.

"What is it?" came the voice of his father sleepily.

"What was that loud scream?" The boy asked slightly worried.

"What scream? Kazuki please go back to bed, it was just a dream."

Kazuki did as he was told pouting the whole way back. "No one ever believes me around here." Kazuki curled back in his bed nice and warm before it happened again, but this time he could hear words.

"Help me." Came a females sounding more like an echo than a voice itself.

Kazuki started to shiver. "Why wont you leave me alone!"

"Because you are the only one who can hear me."

"Go away!" Kazuki yelled as loud as he could.

Kazuki's father opened the door. "What is wrong, son!" He had a metal object in his hand but it was too dark to see what.

Kazuki turned to his father with tears in his eyes. "It was not a dream father, I did not fall asleep yet and I heard it again, she was asking for help."

His father just looked at him for a moment. "Go to bed, I am sure it is gone now."

Kazuki did as he was told and went to sleep.

The next morning Kazuki woke up and didn't remember the trouble of the night before. He went to school and had a great day until math class.

"Please help me, I need you." Came the echoing voice again.

"Go away!" Kazuki yelled in the class causing the teacher to turn around.

"What is it this time Kazuki, are my lessons so boring you would rather just have me leave? Well I have a better solution, off you go to the headmasters room, he knows how to deal with people like you."

"Great, just what I needed, a nice trip to the principle who thinks he's a shrink." Kazuki sighed as he arrived at the principles door. "Well here goes nothing." He knocked on the door hoping that the principle was away sick or something.

"Please enter." Came a voice on the other side of the door.

"Crap, he is here." He opened the door as commanded and walked in.

The principle turned to look at him. "Ah Kazuki, What seems to be wrong? I don't see you in my office very often."

Kazuki just looked at the floor.

"I can tell that something seems to be bothering you, grab a seat and we will talk about it. Would you like something to drink perhaps? Maybe some tea?"

Kazuki sat down. "Some tea would be nice, thank you."

The principle grabbed the pot of steaming hot tea from his desk and poured two cups and place one in front of Kazuki before taking a seat himself. He simply looked at Kazuki as if waiting for him to start.

Kazuki noticed this and took a sip of tea before placing it down. "Might as well tell him about the voices, the stupid shrink will have a nice laugh and try to explain to me what it means." He sighed before beginning. "Well Mr Ma-..."

"Please call me Kaito, I hate those formalities." The principle interrupted.

"Ok, it all started last night. A voice woke me up, it sounded like a yell, but I was the only one who could hear it."

The principle nodded while thinking.

"Then when was told to go back to bed after waking up my parents who didn't believe me of course, I heard it again, this time just before I fell asleep, it was a females voice and she was asking for help."

Kaito nodded and looked like he was about to say something but didn't.

"Then yet again during math class she returned asking for help, but I was the only one who could hear the voice."

Kaito looked at Kazuki another moment before replying. "Hmm, this is interesting. A voice only you can hear seems to be haunting you, yet it doesn't seem like it wishes you any harm. I wonder if maybe it is something from the past, maybe from a past life of yours."

"Uh oh, here he goes with his past life thing again."

"I am not saying it is so, but it is a possibility and I think you should offer to help the person talking to you in any way you can, I am giving you this week free to cool your head and to try and set things straight with this voice."

"What a way to say I am suspended for a week." "Ok Kaito, I will take this week off and I will try to help the voice the next time I hear it."

With that Kazuki headed home and into his room as neither one of his parents were home from work yet. He lay on his bed wondering why only he could hear the voice. "Am I going insane or so? Hearing voices cannot be good."

It did not take all too long before the voice came again.

"Please help me, I need you."

"Tell me what I need to do."

"Close your eyes and imagine being beside my voice."

Kazuki did as he was told; he closed his eyes and tried to imagine he was beside the voice. A blinding white light caused his eyes to water and finally it darkened again.

"You can open your eyes now." Came the voice of the woman, but this time it was not an echo instead it sounded like it came from beside him.

Kazuki opened his eyes and stared into the emerald green eyes of a blond haired girl.





Where could Kazuki have ended up and who is this girl anyways?

[Odanion]

Come one people...I see many page views but no one cares to send a review, would someone please, I really like to hear what people have to say

[Corneac]

Wow Odanion, I really liked this story...you got me hooked! Now I'm not going to make this very long because I want to go read the next chapter...

I'm going to start of by saying the grammar and spelling wasn't bad, but I didn't really mind because you drew me in with your storyline, and interesting characters. I could so easily imagine the whole scene with Kazuki and his father, very well thought out.

Damn I wish I had a principal at school like that; who serves me tea, lets me address him by his first name and gives me a week to clear my head. Nice one.

"Go away!" Kazuki yelled as hard as he could.

You can't really yell hard, I suggest changing it to loud or something.

Kazuki's father opened the door. "What is wrong, son!" He had a mettle object in his hand but it was too dark to see what.

Mettle should be metal

Again...I enjoyed your characterisation the principal was pretty darn amusing in weird sort of way. I hope you're not offended by my suggestion because they are only suggestions after all.

[Odanion]

I thank you for your kind words and suggestions, I fixed up the errors you said

thanks again

[Evrviglnt]

Great idea, and the story has a mystery to it that draws the reader in. Excellent writing.

Here's a few things I see:

Kazuki noticed this and took a sip of tea before placing it down. "Might as well tell him about the voices, the stupid shrink will have a nice laugh and try to explain to me what it means." He sighed before beginning. "Well Mr Ma-..."

See those quotation marks on the first quote? I don't think you meant that to be spoken words, as exclamation points assume. I would write it this way to differentiate that line from the line before and the actual quote afterwords - 'Might as well tell him about the voices, the stupid shrink will have a nice laugh and try to explain to me what it means.'

The headmaster is described in a child's voice as a shrink, but he is actually much more - since his approach is not scientific, it's mystical. He never once tries to play the psychiatrist, but quickly brings up the 'past life.'

Great ending to the chapter. Perfectly timed to urge the reader on...

[Odanion]

Well actually I just noticed that for the first time...it was supposed to be in italics...but when I copied my tekst it lost all italics...and I didn't notice it

[Razor]

I just read it, I know I'm late, but it caught my attention cuz I saw some of your other chapters posted. It was interesting. I like the realistic take on it so far especially in this genre.

[Odanion]

well this may be very late itself, but I thank you so much for the compliment it means a lot

[tarotwolf]

Good morning. I just joined and am working my way through some great stories.

I like how this one is very conversation and interaction based. I noticed one of the comments was about the quotation marks around what was supposed to be in italics to show they were Kazuki's own thoughts, his "inside" voice

I'll hunt down the rest of the story if it's here. Thanks for sharing.

[x_lovely09]

I really like this! I hope you plan on writing more :]]
But a few suggestions;;

What is it this time Kazuki, are my lessons so boring you would rather just have me leave?

You should make this into two sentences -- "What is it this time, Kazuki? Are my lessons..." etc :]

"What a way to say I am suspended for a week." "Ok Kaito, I will take this week off and I will try to help the voice the next time I hear it."

This was very confusing. The boy's whole thought process was a little confusing. Maybe you should consider making his thoughts italicized or like this: 'What a way to say I am suspended for a week,' he thought.

The next morning Kazuki woke up and didn't remember the trouble of the night before.

Now, what's going on here? He didn't remember, but then a few sentences later, he does? Why not try something like saying he wasn't thinking of the trouble the night before.


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It was a really good story. :] && I'll definately read more if I find more while scooting around the forum.
<3!!