[creativeminds]

Synopsis: Nicolas wakes up to find himself in a cell. He thinks of a way of how he is going to escape.


Chapter one:

Through cracked eyelids Nicolas looked around at his foggy world. He could just barely make out where he was. Nicolas blinked a few times, trying to adjust his grey eyes he was back in his cell. He deeply chuckled, wouldn’t really call it a cell, it was more of a body cage of hell. If he lay out his 6’1 frame, it would just barely touch the bars that sounded him. Caging him in like an animal. An animal, that is what he was. That is what they wanted him to believe.

He sat up, ignoring the pounding pain in his head and snarled like a raving wild beast that need to be tamed. Who did they think they were, thinking that they could control him. He was not going to let them control him, let them conform him to their ways. Their idea of what this life was. Ha, this life. This was no life at all. It was merely an existence to a former life that was once. A life of an outcast, only to be used when seemed fit, tossed away when no longer useful. Ha, and they expect him to love and conform to it. He chuckled to himself, the mortal would try to gain the power by using him. They had no idea of the power that he was capable of. He was not like the other weakling Strigoi mort; they cowered and feared the mortal, letting the mortal gain control. No! He was going to gain control. He was going to escape and be free of this place. He was going to make himself into something new, making his own life. Hunter, kill, life, kill, hunted, hunter. The words echoed in his head. He looked once again at the Vircola pacing up and down the long hall, soon he would be free from this hell cage. All he needed was to wait. Time was of the essence.

At the end of the hall a faint light could be seen as a door was cracked open. Footsteps resonated down the hall, getting closer and closer; until a figure walked appeared into view and stopped at his cell. A slow grin creped across his face.

“You! Strigoi,” a hoarse whisper of a voice came, yellow eyes shining from under the hood that concealed the face.

“Ah well if it is not Yellow eyes.” Nicolas said, tapping his hands against the steel bars.

The hooded figure snorted, “the mortal wants to see you, and I suggest you behave,” he paused, “this time.” The hooded figure opened the side of the black cloak revealing a set of keys; with gnarled hands the cell was unlocked.

“Of course, my dear Yellow eyes, haven’t I always?” He said with a low tone, stepping out of the cell, giving the hooded figure a smile that could make you weep. Nicolas grabbed the man, throwing him into the steel bars that once used to be his prison.

“I would have to say that right there was very well behaved, too bad you didn’t think otherwise.”

It is time to unleash upon the world of what it has unleashed upon me, their fate will be my fate, their control mine. I will gain control of what I have lost and more. I will make them pay for what they have done to me. I will never stop hunting until I put my soul to rest. They will be the hunted, for as long as they live.

The dank, rotting smell of the dungeons filled the nostrils of the Vircola. Her silver tipped fur shone in the darkness. She crept past the sleeping dead. All that was heard was the soft padding of her velvety paws on the cold, cracked stone floor. Reaching the end of the hallway just about to enter the door she paused, ears cocked as a loud noise echoed down the hallway. Raising her nose in the air she sniffed; something was amiss. With a low growl she turned slowly, only catching a glimpse of a cloak before it was gone. Black, silver eyes scanned the room, searching for anything that seemed out of place. The air didn’t seem right. The stillness. There was always stillness, quiet. But this had death to its name. She scanned the long rows of narrow cells. Each seemed to be in their place. The sleeping dead, that is what they are. Always, that is what they will always be, lost in this stance of time. All seemed dark, dead. Never to rise again to what they used to have. The success and power, they had the chance to grasp it in their weak mortal hands. Slowly she walked back down the hall, searching. Down the rows of ginger hair and grey blue eyes, they all slept. Until she reached the end, there mangled into the bars was the hooded figure, the cell empty. She threw back her head, letting lose a blood curling howl.

Nicolas glanced down below him. Directly under him the Vircola stood, poised ready for any attack, ready to kill all that may come her way. He watched the silver tips shine in the moonlit darkness. With panther silence he crept across the rafters, looking for a way out. Looking for a means to get out of this hell. His foot hit a loose nail, which clattered to the ground below. The Vircola whipped around and snarled, her eyes shining, nails tapping against the floor, nose stuck in the air. Nicolas sucked in a breath, fading himself into the darkness; letting himself become one with his surroundings. At the end of the hall the door flew open, a storming figured raced out of the door way, running to the broken cell that once held him.

“I want him found, now!” the voice yelled, grabbing the cot and throwing it against the twisted bars, behind him the two Strigoi mort cowered. Their blue eyes glowing slightly in the damp darkness. The cloaked figure looked at the mangled body, twisted in the steel death trap, anger covering the face. He started to turn but paused, then started to chuckle,

“ Nicolas, do you think you can really escape? The Vircola will be on your throat faster,” The mortal stopped and looked at the two Strigoi mort, “Find him! And I want him alive. Get rid of this thing,” the mortal said flipping his hand at the body. He walked out of the cell and back into the room, the Vircola following him.

Soon I will be free; my soul once at rest.

[creativeminds]

Unleashing Deamons- Prologue


This is the link for the prologue.... not sure why it is in two different sections but whatever.... Hope you enjoy and please comment!

[jaziz69]

First of all, thanks for the comment on my short story! Returning the favour.

Blinking a few times, trying to adjust his grey eyes.

This sentence needs something elese..it isn't a full sentence; it cuts off abruptly. Easily changed though.

sounded

surrounded?

The first paragraph has quite a lot of full stops, you could probably loose a few. It makes it feel a bit 'clunky'/disjointed. Otherwise, i liked it. Nice intro.

He sat up, ignoring the pounding pain in his head. He snarled like a raving wild beast that need to be tamed.

same again with the full stop here, could just put 'and'. The full stop breaks the 'flow'.

Footsteps resounded down the hall

resounded, for me, sounds a bit out of place. Resonated? Sorry for trying to put words in your mouth! just suggestions.

A slow grin creped across his face.

I like this, gave me some really good imagery. Description like this is cool, it's short, and tells so much more than just what it says.

revealing a set of keys, with gnarled hands the cell was unlocked.

semicolon ( ; ) or a / instead of comma would probably be better.

“I would have to say that right there was very well behaved, too bad you didn’t think otherwise.”

is there something missing from this dialogue? cant really make sense of it.

The dank, rotting smell of the dungeons filled the nostrils of the Vircola. Her silver tipped fur shone in the darkness. She crept past the sleeping dead. All that was heard was the soft padding of her velvety paws on the cold, cracked stone floor. Reaching the end of the hallway just about to enter the door she paused, ears cocked as a loud noise echoed down the hallway. Raising her nose in the air she sniffed; something was amiss. With a low growl she turned slowly, only catching a glimpse of a cloak before it was gone. Black, silver eyes scanned the room, searching for anything that seemed out of place. The air didn’t seem right. The stillness. There was always stillness, quiet. But this had death to its name. She scanned the long rows of narrow cells. Each seemed to be in their place. The sleeping dead, that is what they are. Always, that is what they will always be, lost in this stance of time. All seemed dark, dead. Never to rise again to what they used to have. The success and power, they had the chance to grasp it in their weak mortal hands. Slowly she walked back down the hall, searching. Down the rows of ginger hair and grey blue eyes, they all slept. Until she reached the end, there mangled into the bars was the hooded figure, the cell empty. She threw back her head, letting lose a blood curling howl.

This part was really cool and image stirring. I didn't have a bloody clue what a Vircola was at the beginning, but this definitely cleared things us! really nice imagery and a well put together paragraph.

The he started to turn but paused

*Then

That was a really cool read, you've got something really good going and i'm sure the other chapters will answer the questions that are now burning in my brain!
You kept me interested as a reader and it was very enjoyable.

Good stuff
Keep writing, jaziz

[creativeminds]

thanks jaziz,

don't worry about putting words in my mouth, by the time i get these up posted i have gone over these so many times with so many ideas that i need a fresh set of eyes to look over the work. Alot of your comments where on the problem spots anyways.... thanks again for the imput.

[RENA HANDS]

“Ah well if it is not Yellow eyes.” Nicolas said, tapping his hands against the steel bars.
The hooded figure snorted, “the mortal wants to see you, and I suggest you behave,” he paused, “this time.” The hooded figure opened the side of the black cloak revealing a set of keys; with gnarled hands the cell was unlocked.

Was this a spacing error? That is my only question.

I will hold my judgment on this continuing story.

[creativeminds]

yes that was an error, thanks for pionting it out.. as for judgment feel free to judge as this will take a while to get done...

[Achele]

Hi,

Very interesting so far. Just noticed the "the" and "him," were transposed in the quote below.

behind the him two Strigoi mort cowered

I also liked Chapter 2 part 1. Reading part two will be a treat I am sure.

[creativeminds]

thanks for the input.. i hope to get the rest of part two done this weekend,, depending on how the writers block goes.. haa