[thelma&louise]

Warning: This story contains language, violence, and adult content. Read at your own risk.

Synopsis: Him, a harcore gangster trying to stay alive, and her, a rich girl trying to make the world a better place. How will things end when their two completely opposite worlds collide?

Prologue

The 24-hour convenience store's sign flickered on and off. He didn't have to look up to see the red and blue sirens flashing from the top of the police car; he saw its reflection on a puddle in the street. The steady thump of his Tim's hitting the ground was rythmic with his heart pounding against his ribcage. He walked faster as the squad car slowed down. As the automobile rushed away after a moment, he let go of the breath he was holding and trudged along, pulling his baseball cap further down to cover his face. It was pitch-black outside yet he couldn't afford being followed. He took a sharp right turn and broke into a sprint, heading toward the alleyway he knew the group would be in. He slowed down, not wanting to alarm any of the members. One of them, a lean but strong Hispanic girl was hitting a figure in the center with a bat.

Antoine, a tall, burly African-American walked towards him and they hugged thug-style. "Jaryn, you're late man," he said.

"Yeah well, I got caught up," Jaryn responded, taking his cap off, and surveyed the scene. They were all there: all thirty of them, and most were beating up a man in the center. Jaryn could tell it wouldn't be long before the flag held in his hand would fall to the ground, and the man to his doom. That small colorful flag...it meant everything. It was a symbol that separated you from who you were as an individual to who you could be with a family. That's what they were: a family. In others' eyes, they were a gang.

Jaryn's green eyes watched the man who wanted to join them. He was the complete opposite of how Jaryn was at his initiation. He thought back three years earlier...

He was standing there tall and proud, his fingers curled tightly around the small flag that had the gang's colors painted on it.

They were all around him, and in his current situation, they seemed double the number they actually were. He licked his dry lips and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. Despite himself, he was nervous. He didn't know whether in half an hour he would be alive or dead. It was that moment right there that would be defining his future, his life itself, its meaning and goals. This is what he'd chosen, and was willing to go along with whatever they told him. If they had to beat him up to within an inch of his life just so he could join them, so be it.

His eyes met Antoine's, his best friend, the African-American who was standing there with a quiet look in his eyes. Antoine was one of them. Soon, the young man standing in the center would be too.

Antoine gave him a barely perceptible nod, and Jaryn nodded back, expressionless, unwilling to show any fear.

This was what he'd wanted ever since he'd met Antoine two years ago and discovered the other man was actually in a gang. And not just that...He was second-in-command to the leader, who was still alive back then.

"You understand the rules?" the gang-leader asked him, eyebrows raised, and he nodded without hesitation. "Well then, let's see what you've got. Antoine," he addressed Antoine who was standing next to him, and jerked his head toward their soon-to-be latest addition.

And so it started. It was Antoine who landed the first punch. After that, they just kept coming. Left and right, whichever body part they could get their fists on. There were around ten of them, but he felt as if they were fifty. Like animals clawing at their prey.

No mercy, no compassion...Nothing at all.

Not a word. He couldn't even put an arm up to shield himself. The flag remained clutched tightly in his hand, and halfway through the ordeal he was struggling not to drop it. He couldn't afford to.

It was pure torture. Even death had to be better than this. In his numb state-of-mind, he wished they'd just kill him and get it over with. He felt like he was being ripped apart, and every part of him was broken. It couldn't be...this body wasn't his, all that blood splattered about on the ground wasn't his, those sounds of bones cracking as if they were mere twigs...they weren't his.

But right then, thankfully, it stopped. Head spinning, he collapsed onto the ground, his body aching and bruised up in every possible way. He doubted his face was even recognizable anymore. In a moment of unclearness, he hoped Scottie wouldn't freak out too much. Eyes barely open, he turned his head to the right and saw the flag he still had clasped, and didn't even have the energy to smile. He was alive, but barely. But it's all that mattered...He was alive. He proved them all wrong and survived the initiation.

"Jaryn...Jaryn it's over," Antoine was saying, bending over him. "You did good man, I'm proud'a'ya."

Jaryn blinked slowly, the gang-members' feet going in and out of focus before his eyes. A pair of enormous feet slowly stepped forward; Jaryn didn't have to look up to see who it was.

"He's in," the leader proclaimed, nodding in approval.

Sick with relief, Jaryn closed his eyes and gave in to the darkness, finally loosening his numb fingers and letting the flag clatter onto the concrete.

Jaryn awoke from his trance when he saw the flag hit the ground. Antoine came up to him and said, "You know the drill."

Jaryn knew of course. He took out his gun from his back-pocket and pointed it at the man. The crouching figure squinted his barely-open eyes at Jaryn.

"No, please..."

Jaryn couldn't help but respond soberly, "The difference between you and I is that you're the one on the ground begging for your life, and I'm the one holding the gun."

He pulled the trigger and whispered, "If the tables were turned, you would have done the same." He turned around and walked to Antoine, who only nodded for the rest of them to follow.

The gang left, leaving the man's body there to decay.


Link to Chapter One: In The Streets of Harlem - Chapter 1

-Chris and Sal.

[Gurdit]

It felt a little ironic putting this in the "Romance" section, but I don't know what wonders you have planned for us in the succeeding chapters. I'll tell you though, you've already got me hooked.

I've never been a part of a gang, nor ever seen one, especially one that has initiation ceremonies like that. I don't think stuff like that happens in India, and even if it does, we don't get to see or hear of it.

Now about your style of writing. It's easy-going. Kind of like how you would speak a story. But obviously not that casual, since you have managed to inject this story with something I personally like to call "soul". A lot of stories are very well-written and have wonderful plots, but the author doesn't manage to inject it with a little something that can't be categorised or worded. I call it the soul of a piece of writing, others call it some X Factor... well, whatever you wanna call it. Your story definitely had it. It also had quite a bit of intensity which was required for the scene you have written, so good job.

Prologues generally are scenes that welcome you to the mood of the story you're about to read. They don't much work on the character development and such, so there's really not much to say about that. However, I've got to say that you've got my expectations up quite a bit and I expect you to develop this character and the others very well.

[thelma&louise]

Just to clear things up, this is Chris; I'll be doing review responses.

Originally Posted by tidruG

It felt a little ironic putting this in the "Romance" section, but I don't know what wonders you have planned for us in the succeeding chapters. I'll tell you though, you've already got me hooked.

Too bad we could only choose one genre...would've chosen "thriller" with it or something. I think the Romance genre best fits it, though. You'll see. -smiles mysteriously-

I've never been a part of a gang, nor ever seen one, especially one that has initiation ceremonies like that.

Yup. There's loads of those in America. New Yorkers, especially, would know what I'm talking about. And we aren't gangsters either. O_O I doubt anyone would mention it even if they were, or if they even have time to get online haha. Gangs are bad news.

...you have managed to inject this story with something I personally like to call "soul". A lot of stories are very well-written and have wonderful plots, but the author doesn't manage to inject it with a little something that can't be categorised or worded. I call it the soul of a piece of writing, others call it some X Factor... well, whatever you wanna call it. Your story definitely had it. It also had quite a bit of intensity which was required for the scene you have written, so good job.

You just made my day! Thank you so much for the thoughtful review.

Like I said to WorldWarCheese: screw FictionPress. I'm so taking the story off that overcrowded website.

[Vorcla]

This is brutal and gritty and damned fine. Very good descriptions, nice beginning plot development. The only quibble I would have is that "African-American" was maybe a bit overused.

BUT - that's a minor quibble, because the story is excellent.

[thelma&louise]

Thanks for the comment, Rick.

[Nupur]

Whoa, you’ve got me completely hooked. Fantastic descriptions and dialogues. You’ve got all the mechanics right and your language and writing style is awesome. This is dark and gritty. The voice of narration is strong and firm, and yet has a lot of soul, like Gurdit mentioned. Very intense.

The prologue was just what it should be: catchy, captivating and an insight into your writing style. It was all that and more. I can’t add anything that hasn’t already been said, just want to tell both of you that this was fantastic. Keep up the great work. Now I’m off to read Chapter one.

BTW this is so totally POTM material. I’m going to nominate this one.

[RENA HANDS]

What about…In the eyes’ of others, they were a ‘gang.’ ?

Maybe…they seemed twice the number they actually were. ? Or is it doubled?

What about saying…He licked (at) his cracked, flaky lips trying to swallow the lump in his throat. ?

What about…It was (at) that moment, right there that (this) would define his future, ?

A question…are not members of a gang, usually young boys who possibly grow to be men?

To make it more personal, He was second-in-command to (their) leader. ?

I personally wanted more to the ‘fight/initiation’ scene. Also this man dying on the floor, are you going to give more details later?

I will give the Prologue a 2/5!

[thelma&louise]

In the eyes' of others, they were a ‘gang.’

'Eyes' is a normal plural and shouldn't have an apostrophe. We don't say "The car doors' were stuck," we say "The car doors/car's doors were stuck." It's there to show possession...Since 'of' is already there, there isn't any need for any apostrophe...neither on "eyes" nor "others".

they seemed twice the number they actually were.

Isn't that the same thing?

A question…are not members of a gang, usually young boys who possibly grow to be men?

Not necessarily. There's gangs that initiate people along the way, newly formed gangs, and then there's mafias, most of which are like big families and raise their children to grow into gangsters.

Also this man dying on the floor, are you going to give more details later?

Not really. The man is irrelevant to the story. The prologue is there to give a sort of intro to the gang, and to actually show they are one.

Thank you for the feedback, Rena. I might look through this one more time and see if there's the need to add detail and stuff. Thanks again!

-Chris.

[WorldWarCheese]

and the man to his doom.

That sounds awkward.

Oh, and how do you hug "thug style"?

that separated you from who you were as an individual to who you could be with a family

Again, awkward. Separate you from who you are? Then taking who you are and splitting that in two? That's either a triple split or your wording got confused.
Try:
that separated who you were as an individual to who you were in the family or something along those lines.

"The difference between you and I is that you're the one on the ground begging for your life, and I'm the one holding the gun."

I thing "The difference between you and I is, I didn't drop the flag."

Flag seems weird, bandanna or do-rag or something sounds more gang-y. Flag sounds like Halo.

Also, African-American is nice and all, but to make me believe I'm in the mind of a thug you really gotta use the n-word.

Anyhoo, it was pretty good. I'm still confused as fuck from the synopsis tho'.

[thelma&louise]

That sounds awkward.

Rully? You're the first person to say that.

Oh, and how do you hug "thug style"?

Uhhh...like...it's a manly hug, obviously, but a little more rough and brief. It last like one second, and you don't even hold each other, just sort of gently thump a fist on each other's back or something. I hope I managed to describe it, but I doubt that...X_x

Again, awkward. Separate you from who you are? Then taking who you are and splitting that in two? That's either a triple split or your wording got confused.
Try:
that separated who you were as an individual to who you were in the family or something along those lines.

Hmm...I'll turn it over a little in my head and see what I come up with. I don't see anything wrong with it yet though.

I thing "The difference between you and I is, I didn't drop the flag."

Works, but the original sentence is so much more dramatic, don't you agree? At the same time, Jaryn's implying he didn't drop the flag because he's standing right there, an important gang member, and ready to kill him.

Flag seems weird, bandanna or do-rag or something sounds more gang-y. Flag sounds like Halo.

-shrug- From what we've heard, gangs do use flags, ya know. So iunno. I think I need to research this whole gang thing a little more.

Also, African-American is nice and all, but to make me believe I'm in the mind of a thug you really gotta use the n-word.

Yeaaah, but...they weren't saying it. These were just descriptions. Can't go "Antoine, a tall, burly n***** walked..." Eh. I doubt we'll use that word anywhere in this story, dialogue or otherwise. It's just so offensive.

Anyhoo, it was pretty good. I'm still confused as fuck from the synopsis tho'.

Which part? This is only the prologue. Go check out chapter one!

[WorldWarCheese]

Uhhh...like...it's a manly hug, obviously, but a little more rough and brief. It last like one second, and you don't even hold each other, just sort of gently thump a fist on each other's back or something. I hope I managed to describe it, but I doubt that...X_x

Umm.... okay.... I sort of get the picture, I just don't think I got that from the description "thug-hug" or thug style.

I think I need to research this whole gang thing a little more.

Agreed. I don't write war stories, I write about my experience in war video games. Why? I only have experience about one of them. I don't know what it feels like to be in battle, nor anything about it, but I know what it's like to pwn n00bz. Do more research.

Can't go "Antoine, a tall, burly n***** walked..." Eh.

Well, you could but there would be less of a point to it.

It's just so offensive.

When I write ethnic stories (None posted here, quite yet) I don't hold back on the obscenities (I don't go overboard either, I do as much as people would say normally). Chinese become Chinks to Japanese who are Japs and Vietnamese become Gooks and Irish become Micks and Italians become Guido's, simply because the character at the time would say that and not the politically correct alternative.

Go check out chapter one!

Gimme time, woman/en!

[Jimbalaya]

Interesting kick off here. The writing was very good, and the story is certainly unique so far, no idea which way it's going yet but the fun is in finding out.

No nits to report, that's been done already. I had no proplems getting into the story, your descriptions were written in such a way as to take me there, they were very good. Gonna go chase down chapter one now. Keep up the good work!

[thelma&louise]

God, Jim, sorry for the late reply. I saw your response at the time when I still had exams and I had to leave in a hurry. But thank you so much for the review! We really appreciate it.

Chris.