[thelma&louise]

Synopsis: Introducing Jaryn McKay and Jade Brighton.

Warning: This story contains language, violence, and adult content. Read at your own risk.

Link to Prologue: http://www.storiesmania.net/communit...450#post125450

Chapter One

It was an absolutely gorgeous Saturday morning. Jade Brighton hurried off the street and onto the sidewalk, concurrently trying to move her wind-blown hair off her face. She slowed as she stepped onto the grass that covered the bulk of Central Park, and rummaged in her bag for something to tie her hair up with. Smiling in relief as she found a small elastic hair-band, she gathered up her loose mahogany curls with one hand and tied them up securely with the other. A gentle breeze blew by this time, sending a few stray strands into Jade's face which she gently curled behind her ear.

As she looked around for the one person she was there to meet, anyone could see that she was a striking young lady. With a wide, generous mouth, kind hazel eyes and a soft tanned complexion, she could make anyone feel comfortable in her presence.

Her keen eyes located their target and she quietly tip-toed to hide behind a nearby tree, in front of which a bench lay with a middle-aged man slumped awkwardly on it.

"Good morning!" she said, startling him.

"Jade, is that you?" asked Billy, sitting up with wide eyes.

"Mmmhm," she replied, coming out of her hiding place.

"Jade," Billy said warmly and gave the girl a squeeze, "It's been so long. I thought maybe your dad told you not to come anymore."

Smiling, she waved a hand casually and said, "No way silly, after I explained the situation he didn't mind at all. Here, I brought breakfast."

Billy frowned and looked at her as she straightened the collar of his rumpled-up, torn coat, "Jade, I don't want to get you into any kind of trouble. As much as I love your company I don't want your dad to be angry with you. You're the only one who noticed when I struggled to get comfortable on this stupid park bench. Other people just walked by me."

And it was true. Jade had been the only one to acknowledge him. Billy had been so shocked there were still people like that left in this pitiless world. Seeing Jade every once in a while gave him some peace of mind.

Jade stopped, grabbed Billy's arm and made him face her. She touched his cheek gently. "I promise he was all right with it," she said softly, "And as for all those people who just walked by you, it's their loss not to get to know such a brilliant mind."

Billy smiled at her wearily and squeezed her hand. "You, my dear, are an angel," he told her honestly.

She laughed, her eyes twinkling happily. "Oh come on, Billy," she said. "Come, sit down."

Sitting down on the bench, Jade took out the forks Aunty Greta gave her, along with the blueberry pancakes soaked in home-made maple syrup – Billy's favorite. They started to eat in comfortable silence, but were interrupted by a young man only a few moments later.

"Miss," he said politely. "Could I speak to you for a second?"

Jade looked up with a frown. It was a guy around her age, but she couldn't remember seeing him before. "Do I know you?" she asked, exchanging glances with Billy.

He shook his head, but motioned to her. Jade, curious, got up and approached him, standing a few feet away from Billy.

"Are you sure you want to be sitting with a bum? People like that aren't exactly safe to hang out with, you know."

Jade frowned. "What?"

"You heard me. I know it's none of my business, but I'm just saying. For all you know, he could hustle you in the blink of an eye and you'd never know. It's happened before."

Enraged someone even thought Billy was capable of that, even though the guy obviously didn't know him, Jade kept her cool. "Thank you, but I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

He shrugged, a look in his eyes that said "Don't say I didn't warn you." He turned around and left without another word.

As Jade sat back down next to Billy, she had already started sniffling.

"Jade, don't," Billy said gently, putting an arm around her.

"I thought New Yorkers were supposed to mind their own business," she muttered, wiping her tears away roughly.

Billy looked at her worriedly.

"I'm okay," she reassured him. "I just...you know me."

"What did he say?"

Jade pursed her lips; she didn't want to hurt Billy's feelings. She responded hesitantly, "Something about...Nothing, don't worry about it."

"What, about me being a bum?" Billy replied dryly, guessing, "If you haven't realized my dear lady, I kinda am one."

"I just hate that people are so judgmental. It doesn't matter who I'm sitting with - I'm not getting hurt, am I?"

"Listen to me," Billy said patiently, patting her hand, "Let them think I'm dangerous, who cares. You can't let every fool get under your skin; you have to be strong, Jade...You have to try not to be so sensitive."

She sighed, "I know, I know. It's just when it comes to you, you know I don't mess around." She paused and shrugged again, then gave him a little smile, "Look, I have to go visit Mrs. Hendrix; she's waiting for me. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Alright then, my sweet."

He watched her walk away and shivered. It was broad daylight yet he still hated for her to walk through Central Park alone. She had once come to see him at night and he'd freaked out as if she was his own daughter. He couldn't help but think if he had one he would want her to be just like Jade.

-----

"Scottie! Come down here!"

"Okay! I'm coming!"

The nine-year-old thundered down the stairs, clutching his back-pack's arms from where they were strapped at his arm-pits.

"God," he rolled his eyes, grabbing some milk from the fridge, a bowl from one of the cabinets, and the box of cereal. As usual, he shook the carton a little to check the contents. "Hey, Jaryn?" He asked, turning toward his older brother who was standing at one of the cabinets, putting something away. "We're out of—"

"I already put it on the table for you," Jaryn replied gruffly. "I got some last night. Now hurry up, you've got five minutes. I have somewhere to go."

"Yeah, yeah," Scottie muttered, seating himself, and continued with a mockingly deepened voice that was nowhere near as deep as his brother's, "Somewhere to go."

Jaryn turned around at that and glared at him, "Don't start with me, Scottie."

"Fine, I'm sorry," Scottie said quietly not meeting his eyes and started eating quickly but quietly. He didn't want to piss Jaryn off, especially so early in the morning. Scottie had no choice but to sit there silently and accept all the wrong-doings of his favorite person in the world, no matter how big or small, no matter if it were toward him or other people.

Jaryn went out of the kitchen and upstairs to his room, taking quick, purposeful strides. His room was closest to the landing; as he moved inside it, he bent his head the slightest bit to avoid it colliding with the door frame. After the door was closed behind his six-foot-one broad form, he checked his watch and knew he didn't have much time.

Finding some clean but wrinkled clothes, he changed into a pair of baggy jeans, a white t-shirt, and pulled a hoodie on top. After that came his faithful baseball hat over the cropped black hair on his head. Jaryn glanced across the room for a split-second to check his appearance; piercing green eyes stared back at him from the mirror. Something shiny caught his eye on the dresser and he walked over, stopping when he saw the forgotten, over-turned picture frame.

Jaryn sighed and turned it over. Slowly, he wiped the dust off the glass with a rag lying on the dresser and then ran a fingertip over the woman's face. Alana McKay was truly beautiful. Her smile curved her full lips gently, and green eyes sparkled with laughter and kindness. Her skin was white, cheeks rosy. The way her head was tilted to an angle, thick dark hair falling over one shoulder, just made her look more angelic.

Scottie looks so much like her, Jaryn thought to himself. He had her complexion and hair, but their father’s brown eyes. The nine-year-old also had her warm, happy spirit.

Jaryn, on the other hand, was a mixture of them both. Except for the eyes…He had his mother’s striking eyes.

As for Drew McKay, their father, was someone Jaryn considered dead. But in reality, the African-American man was serving time for killing his own wife.

"I'm sorry, Mom," Jaryn whispered, a wistful look on his face. He wished she was there every day. It was that same unfulfilled wish that had caused him to turn her picture over. It hurt too much to remember.

He turned around and went back toward the door, but he didn't open it. Like every day, he removed a plank of wood closest to the door hinges and reached inside for one gun of the two he owned.

He pulled out one, the bigger of the two, but then stuck it back inside and removed the other one instead. Looking at it for a second and then turning it over, he left the safety on after a split-second of hesitation and slipped it in his pocket. He had Scottie; he couldn't risk turning the safety off even if Antoine had warned him to be careful that morning. Something urgent had come up, and Jaryn was dying to know what it was.

Five minutes later, they were walking down the street.

"Why do I have to go to summer school?" Scottie whined, an almost everyday ritual ever since he started going to summer school a week ago.

"Because of your grades, smarty," Jaryn responded dryly, not looking at him. "You don't improve, you'll be stuck in summer school your whole life."

"It's so boring," Scottie continued, kicking at a pebble with the toe of his sneakers.

"Yeah well, suck it up, kid."

"Seriously, the only thing fun about that school is Mr. Hugh," Scottie started snickering.

Jaryn looked down at him curiously, "Mr. Hugh?"

"Yeah, he has this big-ass nose and—"

"Language," Jaryn interrupted, smacking the back of his head.

Scottie clicked his tongue and rubbed the offended section of his skull. "I bet you curse all the time when you're with them," he complained, but didn't give Jaryn a chance to reprimand him for that remark. "Anyway...We make fun of him all the time and he doesn't even notice. He just keeps going on and on, talking about fractions and all."

"He teaches you math?"

"Yeah."

"No wonder you're flunking," Jaryn shook his head.

Scottie, getting excited, started telling him about one of the pranks he pulled on Mr. Hugh, but Jaryn was no longer listening. He put a hand on Scottie's shoulder, usually a warning sign, and the younger boy fell quiet and looked around curiously. Coming toward them were two guys around Jaryn's size, wearing menacing smirks. From the corner of his eye, Scottie could see his brother's right hand was already in his pocket, the pocket where he knew a gun lay.

"What's up, Jaryn?" He asked, coming up to him, the smirk gone and replaced with a cold look.

They had to stop. Jaryn's face was blank as he looked right back at them. "Yo back off man," he said quietly but firmly, the loathing apparent in spite of the calm in his face. "I have my brother with me."

"That we see," one of them said, glancing at Scottie with a scowl. Then he looked back at Jaryn. "We'll see you later, McKay."

"You bet," Jaryn replied, his lips thin. They walked past, but not before the one closest to Jaryn's shoulder deliberately bumped into him.

Scottie was frowning and silent the rest of the way.

"I know you hate it, but this is the way things are," Jaryn told him as they stopped in front of the school gate. "You have to learn to accept it some time."

Scottie nodded stiffly, knowing he wasn't talking about summer school.

"You got your lunch money?"

He nodded again, shuffling his feet.

"You need anything, Little Man?"

"No thanks," Scottie said quietly.

"Don't leave the school until I come for you," Jaryn warned, "And if I'm late—"

"I know. Go home with Gracie and them."

Jaryn nodded. "And stay with them until I get home. I'll see you later, kid."

"Really?" Scottie asked quietly, right after Jaryn was turning around to leave.

Jaryn forced a smile for his brother's sake and awkwardly reached across to ruffle his hair. "Sure."

Scottie looked at him for a second, an inexplicable look on his face. Jaryn sighed as his little brother turned around without another word and went inside the school. He stood there for a few additional seconds, pondering over the whole situation before shaking his head and going on his way.

It was a couple of blocks later when he finally reached his destination. They were already waiting for him, he could see even as he eased his body down the large window leading to the basement of an old building, where they usually met up.

"Jaryn, come on man, we said seven-thirty," his best friend Antoine said with a hand spread in question, looking mildly annoyed as Jaryn jumped down and straightened, "Where ya been?"

"Sorry man, had to take Scottie to school," he responded, nodding toward the numerous other members of their group. "I ran into Hayes and one of his minions."

Antoine frowned, "They give you any trouble?"

"Nah," Jaryn sat down next to Imane, who gave him a smile that was more of a smirk. She appeared to be filing her nails. Actually, she was always filing her nails. But those nails of hers were often useful to them.

"You two, shut the fuck up," Antoine snapped at Jamal and Ben, who were bickering about whose gun was better.

Jaryn froze in his tracks, a cup of water in his hand as he caught sight of something on the floor only feet away from him. Stepping forward slowly, he turned the body over with a foot and raised his eyebrows at the cataleptic face; it was one he didn't recognize.

"Okay," he said, crushing the plastic cup in his hand and threw it in the trashcan before turning around to face Antoine with a dry look on his face, "What the hell's going on?"

-----

Ding dong.

The door of the old Victorian house opened, allowing Christy, the household maid to come into Jade's view.

"Christy, how are you?" She asked the other girl warmly.

"I'm great, how are you?" Christy responded with a smile, letting Jade in. "We've missed you."

The next moment, Mrs. Hendrix's voice filled the air, "Jade, sweetie, is that you? Come on, we're waiting."

Jade raised an eyebrow at Christy. "We?" she mouthed in question before stepping into the living room. Laughing, she remarked, "Mrs. Hendrix, did you invite the entire population of the nursing home?"

"Well, if you don't want us here, we'll leave," wheezed Mr. Duncan, a very jovial ninety-year-old, "Will that make you happy, Miss Brighton?"

"Of course not, Mr. D," Jade giggled, taking an empty seat in an armchair next to the wheelchair Mrs. Hendrix sat on, "So what do you guys wanna do?"

"First of all, we want to try and remember how it feels to be eighteen again," said one of the elderly women, looking at Jade, "Tell us dear, you're eighteen; tell us how it is, we might feel young again."

Jade couldn't help feeling warm and happy inside as she sat there and looked around at them all. They were practically hanging on to her every word as if she had something extremely important to say. She knew they loved her, just as she loved them.

Mrs. Hendrix played with a lock of Jade's rust-colored curls and said, "My hair used to be long too, you know. But one thing I envy is those big, hazel eyes of yours."

"Well, you can have my looks," Jade murmured in embarrassment, averting her eyes.

"Young lady, you should be strutting your stuff with a body like yours. You know, be all hip like the other teens."

As Jade chuckled and rolled her eyes, Mr. Duncan protested with a shaking finger raised up in the air, "No way I'm gonna let my Jade walk down the street half-naked like those other girls!" He sat back with a broad grin on his face, "I like my conservative Jade."

As someone else spoke up, she sneaked out to get some snacks. She was back before they could notice her absence, and asked loudly to get their attention, "Anyone up for some chess?"

[Broken]

thats good you should write more, and soon!

[Gurdit]

Chris/Sal,

Again, really good work. I'm really beginning to like (love?) your writing style. Chris told me that you've gone through this a lot before submitting it and it certainly showed. I could only pick a flaw or two while reading it as far as technicalities were concerned. It read very well. After the pretty intense prologue, it would take something special to keep the reader as interested as he/she might have been at the end of the Prologue. And this certainly lived up to the build-up the prologue generated.

Your characterization and character development is really good. I can already relate to Jaryn, somehow. He seems real. Kate... well, she seems kinda too good, too sweet to be true. Then again, that might be a part of your plan, so no comment. As far as Scottie is concerned, there was a line I didn't particularly like -- the one about him watching his favourite person in the world throw his life away. I think a kid as young as nine wouldn't probably be able to put it that way. Yes, he'd know and be able to feel that his brother is doing some wrong things, but throwing his life away? It just kinda seemed too complex a thought for a nine-year-old.

You also didn't mention whether Jaryn and Scottie lived alone, but it appears as if they do. Now Jaryn's a gang-member and Scottie's nine. Jaryn probably has to roam the streets at night ... leaving Scottie home alone? I don't think so. I see a bit of a sub-story about their dad killing their mum (you didn't tell us how or why, but I guess it's not important, but I'll make another point about this later). Following the death/murder of the mum, I think they should probably have moved in with their closest aunt or something (who conveniently has no kids of her own or perhaps never got married). The old, doting aunt is another fine character you can use and takes care of the fact that little Scottie has someone to look after him while elder brother's out killing worms.

A quick point about brotherly love as well. Jaryn smacks Scottie on the head for saying "ass". Ok, that I can still accept anyway, but then, Jaryn calls him a "douche bag" -- not quite the words you'd use to address your younger bro who you're trying to raise as good as possible. Perhaps refer to him as "little squirt" or something. I'm just saying this because I feel Jaryn's a different man in front of his brother and otherwise.

Now about that point I promised in the penultimate paragraph above -- I sense that the mum was someone who Jaryn loved and gave great respect and importance to rather than the dad. Yet, you mention the dad's name, suddenly giving more importance to the dad. I would have preferred if you had mentioned the mum's name instead -- "XXXX was killed by his father, who was now spending his life in jail" for example.

So much for the nitpicky stuff.

The problem with liking a story is that it's very difficult to say why exactly you liked it. Just know that I liked this story so much that I slate it to be among the next batch of stars that are likely to shine on the SM website. Bravo.

[Vorcla]

Nice job - again. Excellent characterizations. I really like the way this is dialogue-driven. Makes it seem more authentic. Super job, ladies!

[thelma&louise]

Originally Posted by Broken

thats good you should write more, and soon!

Thanks for the comment.

Originally Posted by tidruG

Kate... well, she seems kinda too good, too sweet to be true. Then again, that might be a part of your plan, so no comment.

Kate? -looks around- Kate who?

XD I think you mean Jade. Well...Believe it or not, there ARE people like that in this world...Sal's one of them, I think, although she's not THAT good. Haha. Still, we needed a really good character who would be able to transform Jaryn, make him realize he's making a mess of his life, etc. You'll see.

As far as Scottie is concerned, there was a line I didn't particularly like -- the one about him watching his favourite person in the world throw his life away. I think a kid as young as nine wouldn't probably be able to put it that way. Yes, he'd know and be able to feel that his brother is doing some wrong things, but throwing his life away? It just kinda seemed too complex a thought for a nine-year-old.

Mm, you might be right...I guess when I was writing that part I didn't realize it would appear as if Scottie was thinking of those words exactly...

[/quote]Jaryn probably has to roam the streets at night ... leaving Scottie home alone?[/quote]

It's mentioned in later chapters. But since you're asking now, he stays with their next-door neighbors, Gracie and her mom (Mrs. Garcia), until Jaryn gets back. He's never allowed to stay home alone because Jaryn knows anything could happen; he has a lot of enemies, obviously, being in a gang.

Following the death/murder of the mum, I think they should probably have moved in with their closest aunt or something (who conveniently has no kids of her own or perhaps never got married). The old, doting aunt is another fine character you can use and takes care of the fact that little Scottie has someone to look after him while elder brother's out killing worms.

The "aunt" we're using here is Mrs. Garcia, as I mentioned above. Plus, the whole concept of them living alone has a point to it. Makes for more drama! You'll see. This is only the first chapter.

Ok, that I can still accept anyway, but then, Jaryn calls him a "douche bag" -- not quite the words you'd use to address your younger bro who you're trying to raise as good as possible.

Yeah, but he didn't mean it in a nasty way. Plus, he was a little pissed that morning. I call my little brother a douche bag all the time, and it's mostly out of affection. XD I guess you're talking about the tone he used, though. I might change it. I might even remove it altogether.

I would have preferred if you had mentioned the mum's name instead -- "XXXX was killed by his father, who was now spending his life in jail" for example.

Oh, I completely missed that! >_< I was telling Sal to name her already because I was too lazy to think of one, but then it completely slipped our minds. I was going to add it in the paragraph that had her description, though. I'll tweak it. You're awesome, btw.

The problem with liking a story is that it's very difficult to say why exactly you liked it. Just know that I liked this story so much that I slate it to be among the next batch of stars that are likely to shine on the SM website. Bravo.

Did I mention you're awesome?! Oh my gosh, thank you so much! That's the biggest compliment we've ever recieved. And thanks awfully for your suggestions, we'll take them into serious consideration.

Originally Posted by Vorcla

Nice job - again. Excellent characterizations. I really like the way this is dialogue-driven. Makes it seem more authentic. Super job, ladies!

Thanks, Rick. ^_^ Glad you approve.

-Chris.

[Hiddengirl10]

I joined ... anyway ... I still love this chapter and can't wait to get to the chapters that I haven't read yet. Though I wouldn't take out the "douche bag" part because come on, in a way its just meant in affection like you said even though his older brother is angry, I actually think it makes it sound like a normal older brother/little brother squabble. Well, that's all I got to say.

[Gurdit]

Yeah, but he didn't mean it in a nasty way. Plus, he was a little pissed that morning. I call my little brother a douche bag all the time, and it's mostly out of affection. XD I guess you're talking about the tone he used, though. I might change it. I might even remove it altogether.

I know he didn't mean it in a nasty way. I'm also guessing that your little brother is not only older than nine, but he also knows what a "douche bag" is. I can see an elder brother (or sister ) calling his younger brother a douche bag out of "affection", but not when he's trying to prevent the younger brother from learning bad words. See, you character sounds like he has a conscious and cares enough for Scottie to not want Scottie to end up as a gang member with a short lifespan. The tone was perfectly alright though. You can still get the tone perfectly by substituting "douche bag" for something less offensive, yet said in the same tone.

You're awesome, btw.

No, I'm not. I'm just a monkey with a brain and eye-glasses.

Kate? -looks around- Kate who?

Did I mention my short term and long term memory is pretty bad?

Yeah, I meant Jade. Jade's a prettier name... see, so now even more sweeter, more wonderful than "Kate", which makes her even more too good to be true

[thelma&louise]

Originally Posted by Hiddengirl10

I joined ... anyway ... I still love this chapter and can't wait to get to the chapters that I haven't read yet. Though I wouldn't take out the "douche bag" part because come on, in a way its just meant in affection like you said even though his older brother is angry, I actually think it makes it sound like a normal older brother/little brother squabble. Well, that's all I got to say.

Hey, welcome! You'll find loads of stuff to do here, it's a great site. Thanks for joining. ^_^

Originally Posted by tidruG

I know he didn't mean it in a nasty way. I'm also guessing that your little brother is not only older than nine, but he also knows what a "douche bag" is. I can see an elder brother (or sister ) calling his younger brother a douche bag out of "affection", but not when he's trying to prevent the younger brother from learning bad words. See, you character sounds like he has a conscious and cares enough for Scottie to not want Scottie to end up as a gang member with a short lifespan. The tone was perfectly alright though. You can still get the tone perfectly by substituting "douche bag" for something less offensive, yet said in the same tone.

Lol. My brother is actually nine, and he doesn't know what douche bag is either. Well, he knows it's something along the lines of "stupidhead" or "dummy" or something. But anyway...I have to go fix lunch then off to math class! It's 1:30 already...I'll have to make edits later.

Yeah, I meant Jade. Jade's a prettier name... see, so now even more sweeter, more wonderful than "Kate", which makes her even more too good to be true

We need her for the story! You'll have to wait and see. She's not that sweet when it comes to Jaryn is all I can give away for now.

Btw, this is a fast-paced story, we don't want to drag it out too much...I think, you being you, and you being so fussy, will have a problem with that, and a shit-load of questions. XDD haha. take care.

-Chris.

[thelma&louise]

Okay, made the edits. Thanks for the suggestions, Tid. ^_^

[Gurdit]

you being you, and you being so fussy

One second I'm awesome, then I'm me and fussy... girls, sheesh! *shakes head*

Anyway, I don't have any issues with fast-paced stories. I was just giving suggestions based on all scenarios. Of course, you've got the course of your story planned out and I guess you know how you're going with regards to speed and level of depth and detail. You know I think you're both excellent, so I'll trust your better judgement. Most of my suggestions are just minor details, you know, so no worries

[thelma&louise]

One second I'm awesome, then I'm me and fussy... girls, sheesh! *shakes head*

Well, you're...awessy. Awesome plus fussy. Awessy! Or...Fussome! ^_^ Hehe.

Anyway, I don't have any issues with fast-paced stories. I was just giving suggestions based on all scenarios. Of course, you've got the course of your story planned out and I guess you know how you're going with regards to speed and level of depth and detail. You know I think you're both excellent, so I'll trust your better judgement. Most of my suggestions are just minor details, you know, so no worries

Thank you once again. =) I promise, you're gonna enjoy this ride. I'm SO proud of this story. We have around ten chapters so far. Well, nine, really, since one of them was short and we had to combine two of them in one, soo...but yeah, there'll be frequent updates. I think I might put one up tonight, actually.

I was supposed to have math class today but it got cancelled. >_< Thus the reason I'm online right now. Random: Do you like math? O.o

[Gurdit]

Originally Posted by thelma&louise

I was supposed to have math class today but it got cancelled. >_< Thus the reason I'm online right now. Random: Do you like math? O.o

If you're online right now... where are you?