[Aiculik]

She was sitting in the grass, and thought it was a real pity that she could not enjoy this day. And I must say it was a very fine day. As lovely as an August day can be; the spotless sky was of the most kitsch pale blue and the grass was of equally kitsch emerald-green. It was still slightly moist from the short summer storm of that morning, but she didn’t mind, in fact it was a nice feeling, the moist leaves of grass tickling her legs. Another positive effect of the storm was a change in the air – it wasn’t so heavy and sticky. The birds in the crown of the peach and pear trees all around her were obviously trying to sing their lungs out and bees buzzed around busily and merrily. As for the peaches and pears, their sweet aroma caused her to consider the idea of getting up and picking one for the past twenty minutes. But she decided that it wouldn’t really fit in with her depressive mood. (Though, of course, this decision wasn’t fully conscious.)

So she remained sitting in the grass, desperately trying to find something ugly or negative that would help her keep her gloomy mood. But in a garden like this one, it was totally impossible. She tried to focus on the fallen peach on her left – it was half rotten and one or two wasps were crawling on it, but it was difficult to muse over the sad fate of the peach when there were a few hundred of its siblings just above her head. And besides, why should the fate of falling from the tree and being eaten by the wasp be worse than the fate of being picked from the tree and eaten by the human, or being boiled and canned, or baked in the pie? If anything, it was more natural, not worse. So that didn’t work at all.

No, she was not stupid and deep inside, she did realize how silly her insisting on depression is. But to be just, it was not that she didn’t have a reason to be depressed. She did and she simply didn’t like the idea that the loveliness and perfection of the garden should win over her feelings so easily. I mean, she did split up with her boyfriend just that morning. And if she forgot about the pain and depression so easily, what would it mean? What would it reveal about her love? Wouldn’t it mean it wasn’t quite true?

And she couldn’t accept that. Living in a relationship for three years – and then to find out that it doesn’t really hurt that much when it’s all over – that sounds so harsh and cynical. But she’s not that kind of a person. Everyone knows she’s a very sensitive and romantic person. This means she should be heart-broken, numbed by pain, weeping desperately. That’s the kind of behaviour that her family and her friends expect from her. That he expects from her. (Really, he looked rather disappointed when she didn’t start to cry and beg him not to leave her). But if she’s not the gentle, sensitive soul everyone always thought she is, then who is she?

Suddenly she noticed the dry leaf hanging from the currant bush - now that could be something depressing to see, so sad without its red fruits they had picked just yesterday, but unfortunately that was too boring to watch for more than twenty seconds – but back to the leaf, yes, it was swinging gently and how can it be swinging where there’s no wind? The leaf began to move as if it had cramps, and she suddenly realised it was not a leaf at all. It was a cocoon.

Just few days ago, they were watching a TV documentary about butterflies, how they make they cocoons and shut the world out and there, in privacy, they change completely and few days later, they are reborn, recreated... It fascinated her and she never had a chance to watch it in person… so she wasn't going to miss this one. She moved as close as she dared and watched it carefully, fully concentrated, hardly breathing. And quite forgetting about the whole world – what was, or what will be. For a few minutes, she and the butterfly were the only entities in the whole universe. There and then.

Come on, little butterfly, let's fly, she smiled as she watched its first attempts to flap its wings. Then, at the same moment, as if there was some invisible connection between them, both of them raised up, turned their backs on the empty cocoon and left the garden.

[Aiculik]

It was real pain to translate it and I'm sure there are many mistakes though I can't see them so I'd welcome any suggestions to improve it.

[RENA HANDS]

I think…She was sitting in the grass and thought it was (a) real pity (that) she could not enjoy
the (this) day. (I removed the original comma and added two, possibly three words.

Possibly…

it wasn’t so heavy (or) sticky.

Possibly…

sweet aroma caused her to (consider) the idea…

Perhaps instead of stating directly the peaches and pears, describe them in form and smell,
possibly touch from memory. Just my thoughts on this matter.

I think…Everyone knows she’s (a) vey sensitive and romantic person.

I think you mean ‘sad,’…so said (sad) without its red fruits…

I so deafingly* applaud the idea of this story. I think though the delivery fell just a bit short. You could add more, expand on your original sentences/thoughts, but I’m not certain how. Just something more. Please consult an editor of your tenses and punctuation.

I will rate the originality for which both sexes can relate…3/5!

[Gurdit]

caused her to considering the idea

Should be consider.

.

No, she was not stupid and deep inside she did realize how silly her insisting on depression is.

I think you should put a comma after "inside".

.

Everyone knows she’s very sensitive and romantic person.

There should be an a before "very sensitive...".

.

so said without its red fruits

It should be sad.

.

Suddenly she noticed that the dry leaf hanging from the currant bush - now that could be something depressing to see, so said without its red fruits they had picked just yesterday, but unfortunately that was too boring to watch for more than twenty seconds – but back to the leaf

SOmething wrong with this sentence. Maybe you should remove the "that" from the first line.

.

I don't know what language you've translated this from, but you've done a good job. It's a wonderful story. Normally, when I read stories of people being reborn (so to speak), I can pick a flaw. In this case, you've done a wonderfully consistent job throughout. Right from the time he left her, she's been strong and not broken down. And again, in the garden, that's exactly what she's doing... not breaking down. I like how you're portrayed her inner conflict how the world perceives her almost influences what she perceives of herself, and yet not quite.

Good job, wonderful characterization.

[Aiculik]

Thank you for your comments, I edited it.

Rena - yeah I know it's too short... I had several longer and more detailed versions, but it didn't sound right, it was too sentimental. Maybe I will asdd something to it, but just now, I have no clue what or how

Gurdit - thank you! I translated it from Slovak and I can confirm - to translate fiction is ten times more difficult than to translate some document. So I'm really grateful for any help that makes it sound more natural.

['Ginnis]

I understand that this is translated, and that being said, good work. My main comment may be less applicable if this reads different in how it was originally written,. though you have my utmost respect. I've tried translating some of my stuff into another language. It's very difficult.

The way this reads feels a bit canned. You're not in the perspective of the girl, but the narration isn't wholly omnipotent either. It feels as if you're displaced from the object. I could feel the beauty of the garden, but the girls inner emotions were lost for the most part. Again, that could be due to translation. I'd recommend you just go over the original and look for emotion. We know she's depressed and stubborn but there are other ways of capturing that feeling without just saying it.

I loved the bit about the peaches, a great way to look at things and unique form of expression. One in a million or one of a million? Nice work.

[Peppy]

Even though it is bumpy in some spots, I was actually entralled. The imagery was magical for me, something about it is so surreal and vivid, I didn't care if there were any mistakes. This story does have charm, there's no doubt, but it need some more fixing.

Good imagery, good little scenario with meaning. I think stories whould have meaning, and you did a good job at capturing it. Oh yeah, listen to what people said above me. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm...