[Venomous Vixen]

Her hand ran over the sleek curves, twirling her fingertips up the length of them before pulling them in closer. She could feel the vibrations beneath her palm, spreading a course through her entire body, building up in the depths of her soul. She fingered them one more time, her release, her microphone. Eying her you could see no fear, only a cat-like curiosity and feminine allure in those deep, lavender eyes.

Swallow hopped off of the stage with ease, like she was born into it, her own personal stomping ground. With her sound check now complete, and another hour or so until show time, she assumed her usual spot at Macaw’s Bar and Grill, tending bar. The multi-colored concoctions were mixed magically under her graceful pour. To anyone that took notice, you could tell she was an old hand at this. In fact, most things Swallow set her mind to she mastered in a matter days and they became a part of her, like one fluid being.

“What the hell are you doing back here?” Fledge didn’t even bother to look in her direction as he scolded her.

“My job.” She bit back with a warning, pumped full of adrenaline, with no mind to sit on her thumb and spin for him.

“Tonight, your job is up on that stage.” He pointed with a mocking grin. “Now, do us both a favor and let me do mine.”

“Fuck off.”

He grabbed her and spun her around to face him. She was pinned between a shelf of booze and the muscular length of his body. The anger in his amber eyes was obvious as she raised hers to meet them.

“Look, Swallow, I promised the old man I would cover the place tonight. Covering means you stay away from my space and keep them happy from up there. Go take a breather, have a smoke… hell, have a pack if it keeps you outside. I got this.”

“Prick.” She mumbled as she stomped in the direction of the back door. He loved watching her go, always with a chip on both shoulders and her head held high with pride. The way the weight of her hair swayed over those damn curves always complicated his thoughts, and he often forgot the order he just took, or the change he needed to get; all he remembered was her, her closeness, her scent. His sweet Swallow, well ‘his’ in his own warped reality anyway.

He averted his eyes, realizing he had been staring at the empty doorway for nearly half a minute. If he wanted to keep her outside he better do what he had said and handle things in here. Fledge could hear the rest of the band getting warmed up now. The deep sounds of JayGirl’s bass plucked at his soul, so solemn and alone without the band behind them, kind of like the girl herself.

JayGirl had just shown up one day out of nowhere, like a misplaced soul with no place to call home. She was not an easy girl to forget, with her fire-orange hair and those momentary glimpses of the softest turquoise eyes you had ever seen. To top that off, all of this was presented on a five foot nothing frame. No, she left a mark on everyone she passed, she just had no idea anyone was watching.

For weeks she came every night, sat in the same lonely stool with the same lonely expression. Swallow finally got sick of the moping and grilled her for info, plucking bits and pieces of the past as she went. No one dared interrupt, Swallow could be a bit intimidating, and by the time the bar closed that night the two were inseparable. Everyone had always found it odd, Swallow being inseparable from anyone since she had never bonded with anything human in her entire life, but there they were, JayGirl and Swallow.

The band started up soon after, with Piper, the bar’s cocktail waitress, on lead guitar and back up vocals, and Swanze, Swallow’s little sister, on the drums. Little badasses, those two. Their first night up there was a bit rough but not a guy in the place could complain about the view they brought, an array of skin and color that would make a saint drool. Everyone in this town always knew it was too small for the youth it bred, but a few just couldn’t fly free and they wasted away at the only local hangout open after sunset, Macaw’s.

Fledge always figured Swallow stuck around for the same reasons as him, a younger sibling. Swallow had her hands full with Swanze. The nineteen year old hellcat was nearly five foot ten with full breasts and hips that drove the men of Crowsville mad with need. He remembered running into her back in high school – literally a full frontal bombardment as she tried to make a class before the final bell. Her eyes were the first thing that struck him as he reached down to help her collect her things; they were the same lavender as Swallows but tinged with an icy grey around the edges. He never wondered how they haunted so many men, or for that matter, why big sis hung around to keep watch.

Since he could remember Piper had been her best friend, and just as equally intoxicating. While most of the population of Crowsville prided themselves on exotic colors and shades, Piper stood out because of her lack thereof. Her eyes were as black as the crows that gave the town its name, and as uncharted as the open seas. Her hair matched them perfectly, deep and ominous. Recently she had added a dash of teal into the flowing mane of darkness but it did nothing to unveil the mystery that was Piper.

Piper’s family had died, like so many inhabitants of the town, back a few years before in the devastating earthquake they endured. In fact, the majority of survivors were the kids and staff from Crowsville High. They had been at a nationwide youth rally a few hundred miles away when the quake hit. They were not prepared when they returned to the town that seemed full of nothing but ghosts. Minus a few stragglers, about the only other survivors were the people in Macaw’s that night. Somehow the joint of sin withstood God’s mighty hand and stood proud.

Ever since that night the drinking age was banned and everyone was allowed in the place – or rather, anyone who remained. Most of the kids were shipped off to distant family and friends but the government provided for those who just had nowhere else to go. In the years since new people had shown up to move in but never managed to breach the bond the remaining townsfolk held. It was like a secret society and the only way to unlock it was to be a part of the past.

Swallow’s voice snapped Fledge back to reality once again. His thoughts were wandering off more and more these days, guess the present just becomes too hard to face sometimes. The band was in position and introductions were being made to the audience. He knew what was coming – a real ball buster of a tune. They always liked to grab the crowd by them right off the bat and show them who was in charge.

Just as his thought concluded the opening notes struck. It was going to be a wild night – he could just feel it. The register confirmed his premonition, sales already nearly double what they usually closed out at. It was not surprising; it was the 5th anniversary of the quake. For anyone who remembered, it was a night to numb the soul and get lost in the violent sounds of the temptresses on stage. It was not, however, a night for a stranger to show up at Macaw’s.

“I’ll take a double shot of Daniels.” The men eyed one another hostilely. “Hey who’s the minx with the smokin’ vocals?”

“That little ‘minx’ will knock you into the next lifetime if she ever hears you calling her that.” Fledge already hated the guy. Two minutes in here and he thought he owned the place, and worse, was gunning for his girl.

“Somehow I doubt that. I bet I could make that little kitty cat purr, bro.” The stranger was crossing lines left and right and pushing far too many buttons for his own good. Fledge could only keep his temper on ice for so long, and it was about that time.

“Eight bucks.” It took everything he had not to lay the guy out right there in the middle of the bar. He knew how pissed Swallow would be though, and he would not compromise her moment to satisfy his own foolish pride.

“Keep the change and pour me another.”

“I think you should finish that one and find somewhere else to get another.” It was his simple way of saying get the hell out before I break your face. The man didn’t bite.

“The bottle right there looks just fine to me. Another, now.” He turned his attention back to the stage, his arrogance still permeating the small circumference the two men stood in.

Fledge couldn’t keep his temper at bay any longer, maybe on another night he could have let this one slide but with his nerves already shot and his emotions running wild he snapped. The bottle broke cleanly across the man’s head. He could already see red trickling through his wavy, auburn hair. Out cold, and Fledge just stood there grinning.

He was so proud of himself he did not even notice the music had stopped until JayGirl punched him square in the nose.

“That’s my friend, you fucking idiot. What the hell is the matter with you?” All four girls faced him, all just as angry and unpredictable as JayGirl. He half expected them all to take shots at him now, but instead they tended to the unconscious man. Where the hell was Finch when he needed him?

Finch never actively did much to help him out of tight situations but just having his little bro there cleared his head enough to figure it out. He was probably at home buried nose deep in books and journals, fingers covered in ink and his eyes fighting sleep. Fledge was used to finding him like that. Since their parents passed, Finch’s social skills drastically deteriorated and left a completely introverted shell, minus when it was just the two of them.

“Aren’t you going to at least apologize?” Piper’s demanding tone cut through his thoughts and brought him back to the present, once again. The man had regained consciousness and was holding a towel full of ice over the gash. He looked less cocky now, a bit humbled by the blow.

“Umm, sorry dude. I didn’t know you were a friend of JayGirl.”

“What minx did you think I was talking about, bro?” He eyed him smugly. The girls were already hopping back up to continue their set. Fledge was feeling like the asshole of the century.

“Sorry, misunderstanding. I am just a little on edge tonight. Name’s Fledge, nice to meet you.” He held his hand out, hoping he could make up for his thoughtless behavior.

“Owlen. Now how about that shot?” His blue eyes seemed sincere as he asked for it this time and Fledge eased up a bit about the whole thing. Jealousy had reared its ugly head and now satisfied, it lay dormant.

The two men clinked glasses and slammed back the shots just as the ground began to shake.

[Syrah]

Nice beginning. I like your voice and the characterization in this piece. I'm really bloody tired and can't give you my full in depth critique. I have to admit, I really like your prose, honny. I can't find anything right now to criticize (which may be partially due to my tiredness but also because it is really good) Fantastic work, hon

[Vorcla]

Well, my lovely e-wife Syrah beat me to the punch, Bri! She was posting while I was reading. The changes you've made since the first draft are subtle and enhance the story. I love your characters; God, I'd love to be a roadie for that band! Your dialogue is tight and realistic, very nice. You've captured that arogant/flippant rock 'n' roll attitude. Very nice development of your plot, and the characters are well drawn. Then we have the cliff-hanger of the quake at the end! I can't see much that needs attention either. I think you still don't give yourself enough credit for your prose. This is first-rate, hon! "Damned fine!"

[Jimbalaya]

One itty bitty thing:

While most of the population of Crowsville prided themselves on exotic colors and shades, Piper stood out because of her lack of.

Do you need another word after 'of'? I know you are referring to the exotic colors and shades, but the end of this sentence is missing something. Maybe just change 'of' to 'thereof'. That would probably fix it.

And now let me say:

Holy shit.

To date, I think this is the highest quality of writing I've seen from you. You're dialogue as gotten very smooth and lifelike. There characters, thought not too in depth yet, were lifelike and likeable. I'm very excited to see where this one is going.

When JayGirl punched Fledge in the nose I laughed, it was pretty funny if you look at it from the outside. This beautiul little thing walking up and decking the dude. I lol'd.

Absolutly loved this, Bri. There are some questions that this opening produces, but I'm sure they will be answered in future parts. Looking forward to it. Great job!

['Ginnis]

Wow Bri, for someone who claims to be super uncomfortable with prose you're kind of rockin' it. I love the feel of this, it's gritty and raw, haggard. Reading it actually gives off a smoky flavor. I know that must sound really weird but it's true. The characters are intriguing, a rogue backwoods bunch of young adults with little to call home, and yet they've bonded together in a sense because they're the only thing they've got. The reaction to Owen is priceless, he's an outsider and that doesn't suit.

Only critique I have is your paragraph about Finch. It's well written, no doubt, but oddly placed. We're in the middle of tension and then out of the blue we're hit with something about Fledge's kid brother. Doesn't seem right. It's really well written though and totally catches the feeling of that character, don't delete it! Just maybe there's somewhere else in the story it would make more sense, a later scene before we actually see Finch (if we actually see Finch) or perhaps when you were talking about the kids coming home from the youth rally?

Also...alliterative sibling names? Coincidence?

And last...

“Umm, sorry dude. I didn’t know you were a friend of JayGirls.”

It's either JayGirl's with a possessive apostrophe or hell, if you wanted you don't even have to have the 's'. It goes either way.

Looking forward to more of this.

[Venomous Vixen]

Thanks everyone, very much. Jim, made that change

And Kara darling, fixed the 'JayGirl', yes the alliteration was on purpose, well kind of. I was brainstorming and after I had a set of names it just sort of fit for me. I know what you are saying about the Finch paragraph. I think as I start with the next part I will see if I can't squeeze it in somewhere else. I put it there to keep up with his wandering thoughts but it obviously did not work lol. Thank you hun!

[Lubesh]

earth quake = earthquake

Most of the kids were shipped off to distant family and friends but the government provided for those who just had no where else to go

Couple you missed there...prob caught up in ur wriitng lol

Like everyone says, bloody well done - ok, I said that, but a few bits back I saw a change fromwhen u came here and saw how confident had become with prose....this leaves me with 'shit, she can write.' That was very fluid and the drawl of voice i magined was incredible. The whole ambience the set up and characters and words and descriptions of each...effortless, pleasure to read and will follow..just up my street this. not heavy and not a 'genre' as such. proud to knowyou lol

[Venomous Vixen]

Thank you very much Lu Fixed those two things up, yes will blame it on being carried away with the writing lol.

[RENA HANDS]

You write/post new stories/epics and you don’t PM me. I am shocked…lol

I think you don’t need ‘of,’ here…Swallow hopped off the stage with ease,
Can one sit ‘in’ a stool or on a stool?

Now this is another Brilliant story. The names, Spectacular! The imagery, Extravagant! I can’t stop smiling about the humorous ending. I rate 5/5!

[Venomous Vixen]

Thank you very much Rena I will look over the things you pointed out as well.

[Rain]

Hi Bri I enjoyed this one a lot, the discription of characters was fantastic. It was light, and fun, but at times you could really picture the darker side of it, and the potential of the coming chapters. You set up a love interest perfectly as well! . It kept me interested throughout the whole thing, and I hope you make more parts of it soon

[Venomous Vixen]

Thank you hun, I have part 2 up already as well. I am taking a break until after things calm down on the next part. I am glad you enjoyed!

[Phonoho]

Her hand ran over the sleek curves, twirling her fingertips up the length of them before pulling them in closer.

Try as I might, I can't get my fingertips to twirl. The pads of my fingers are attached to adjoining flesh and bone and have no pivot point. Any attempt to twirl them up the length of some unnamed object would surely result in injury. Maybe she's caressing herself, but that sounds more like a titty dance than a perfunctory sound-check.

Eying her you could see no fear,

You need a comma after her.

Swallow hopped off of the stage with ease,

There is no need for of here.

The multi-colored concoctions were mixed magically under her graceful pour.

An example of passive voice. I'd revise it.

If he wanted to keep her outside he better do what he had said and handle things in here.

You need a comma after outside.

For weeks she came every night, sat in the same lonely stool with the same lonely expression.

You might want a comma after weeks.

The nineteen year old hellcat

This phrase should be hyphenated because it modifies the noun hellcat.

Since he could remember Piper had been her best friend, and just as equally intoxicating.

You need a comma after remember.

Somehow the joint of sin withstood God’s mighty hand and stood proud.

You need a comma after sundown.

Ever since that night the drinking age was banned and everyone was allowed in the place – or rather, anyone who remained.

You need a comma after night.

It was not surprising; it was the 5th anniversary of the quake.

Could you spell that out for us?

He was probably at home buried nose deep in books and journals, fingers covered in ink and his eyes fighting sleep.

I'd use a comma after home.

Jealousy had reared its ugly head and now satisfied, it lay dormant.

I would remove and to make two complete sentences; a semicolon could work.

His thoughts were wandering off more and more these days, guess the present just becomes too hard to face sometimes.

You need some way to marry these segments together.


I noticed a couple of places where you use prepositions at the end of a sentence, like this one -

his arrogance still permeating the small circumference the two men stood in.

I found the piece a bit self-absorbed, as if there were too much of yourself in it. The diva-istic, rat-pack personages almost reached to the point of being obtrusive. The drama felt contrived and unnatural, but the dialogue was well done.