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Old 11-12-2007, 01:32 PM
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[PICK] Werewolf Moon (Part 2)

Synopsis: The mutilated remains of a teenaged couple and a young female park ranger are discovered in a parking lot of a wilderness area. The park ranger's dash cam on her cruiser recorded her murder in grisly detail, and investigators can't believe what they see....

Advisory: explicit sex and violence




Werewolf Moon
Part 2
by Vorcla

3.

The parking area was alive with emergency vehicles. Ambulances, squad cars, four-wheel drives, even a fire truck, all stood by with blue and red lights blazing beneath the late morning sun. The crime scene had been roped off with bright yellow tape. Technicians with body bags and gurneys waited to take away the corpses after the forensic people finished their preliminary investigation.

Sheriff Jeff Tomlinson, chief of the Winslow Junction Sheriff’s Department, was a seasoned veteran, but this gruesome bloodshed was beyond his experience. He had to look away from the carnage to keep from getting sick. His round baby face was bathed in cold sweat under his mop of brown hair.

Clouds of black flies swarmed over the mangled remains of the three victims in the pulloff. Overhead, an ever-increasing flock of vultures wheeled and circled. The corpses were bloated and stinking, having lain under the already hot sun for several hours.

Megan Foster – what was left of her - was sprawled spread-legged on the hood of the battered Explorer. Someone had retrieved her severed arm – still gripping her pistol – and had laid it near her head. Her breasts were gone, as was most of her stomach. Her hazel eyes were glazed over with an opaque, milky film. They stared in unseeing horror at the incongruously blue sky.

Tomlinson had met her before. She had been a pretty young woman.

Now her battered face reminded him of raw hamburger.

All that remained of poor little Bethany Jensen's upper body was her mauled head, and a gnawed ribcage and spine. Her buttocks and vagina had also been eaten.

Bobby Martin's gutted corpse was lodged in a tree, and his head lay in the middle of the parking lot. His severed genitals had been found on the blacktop several yards from the car. Tomlinson swallowed hard as he regarded the bloody chasm that had been carved in the boy's body from groin to sternum, and the gaping hole where his manhood should have been. Gazing at that gruesome wound made him feel as if his own testicles were shriveling and trying to crawl up inside his body.

Tomlinson watched as crime scene investigators dispassionately went about their business. Some of them poked and prodded the mutilated bodies, taking samples. Some took pictures. Others were combing every inch of the parking lot and the nearby woods.

“Jesus – what got at them? A bear?” Tomlinson asked no one in particular.

“Come on, Jeff – you know damned well no bear did this.”

Tomlinson turned to face his old friend Colonel Jace Morgan, chief of the Winslow Junction Wilderness Area Rangers. Morgan’s rangers called him a “poor man’s Clint Eastwood.” The resemblance was uncanny. Right now, his weathered face was taut with grief and barely repressed rage. He squinted at Megan’s mangled remains.

“Then you tell me, Jace – if a bear didn’t do this, then what in hell did?”

“I don’t know,” Morgan drawled softly. “This is like nothing I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s not very encouraging, gentlemen.”

A beefy, middle-aged man was mopping his brow. Blood from his surgical gloves stained his kerchief.

Sam D’Amato was the Chief of Forensics with the Winslow Junction Sheriff’s Department. He could have been a Roman Emperor in a sword-and-sandals movie from the ‘50’s. He was short, chubby, with a florid face and a thatch of receding gray ringlets that looked as if they had been airlifted onto his head. All he needed to complete the ensemble was a toga and a laurel wreath.

“This is ugly,” D’Amato muttered. “Ugly, ugly, ugly. The kids’ clothes are in the back seat of the Mustang. They must have been fucking when...whatever it was got them.”

He shuddered. “What the hell could have done this?” he asked, echoing the sheriff.

“My God - she was raped."

The young woman who had been examining Megan Foster’s remains stood up, wrinkling her nose. Tomlinson couldn’t help staring appreciatively, grateful for the opportunity to forget the gory tableau for a moment.

Brenna Lang was a vision. She was easy to look at, round in all the right places and lean in all the others. A cloud of auburn curls framed startling sea-green eyes in her lovely, heart-shaped face. She wore a red denim shirt opened in front and knotted under her full breasts. Her sleeves were rolled up; her midriff was bare. Cutoff blue jean shorts hugged her smoothly-rounded backside.

Brenna was drop-dead gorgeous - and she knew it. She was also something of a hotshot. She was young - late twenties, probably - and she was trained in all the latest methods and used all of the most advanced equipment. Brenna was very conscientious, and a real go-getter. She was also a little too cocky. Sometimes she was a little too impulsive.

And she rubbed Sam D’Amato the wrong way.

“I’m going to run a sample of this semen through a DNA test when we get back to the lab,” she announced, holding up a swab in a surgically-gloved hand. “I wonder if some psycho did this and then sicced a mastiff on her – or, even worse, did it after the mastiff tore her up?”

“Little Miss CSI: New York,” Sam muttered under his breath. He raised his voice. “You’re jumping to conclusions again, Miss Lang!”

“Surely you’re not suggesting the animal that mauled her also sexually assaulted her, Mr. D’Amato?”

“I’m not suggesting anything until I’ve got some evidence! I suggest you do the same.”

“Well, let me see if I can get you some evidence when we get back to the office,” Brenna retorted.

“Over here!” a voice called. “I’ve got something!”

The group rushed over to Ranger Lieutenant Tom Stewart, who was squatting on the grass near one of the parking bumpers. He shook his head.

“It’s a track,” he said. “But look at the size of it!”

He pointed at the impression in the soft mud.

“Jesus!” Morgan whispered. “It’s a….a wolf track!”

Tomlinson swallowed hard. “A wolf that wears a size sixteen! I take a size 11 medium, and that track’s a good five inches longer than my foot.”

He put his foot next to the gigantic pug mark for comparison. The huge print dwarfed his shoe.

“The tracks lead off into the woods – that way,” Stewart said, pointing. "And this is weird. Look at the spacing. It's bipedal - walking upright on two legs."

Sam D’Amato was sweating even more profusely than before.

“This can’t be real,” he muttered. “It’s a nightmare. That’s it – it’s a nightmare! I’m gonna wake up and none of this will have happened.”

Tomlinson laughed nervously. "A giant wolf walking on two legs? That sounds like a...a werewolf!"

Morgan shot him a withering glance. "A werewolf? That's even more conjectural than a mastiff - no offense, Miss Lang."

"None taken, Colonel," Brenna said. “Could it be a fake?”

“Somebody wearing boots or something?” Morgan mused, “Could be, I guess – but these look real, anyway.”

“Hey, everybody – I’ve got the dash cam fixed!”

Steve Dante was the forensics department’s techno-geek. He was a wizard with anything mechanical. Dante resembled a tall, skinny mulberry bush with a curly black beard and Coke-bottle glasses. Brenna Lang gazed fondly at him. When asked, she would claim that they were just friends. Judging by Dante's goofy, moon-eyed grin, however, he slavishly adored her - much to Sam D’Amato’s chagrin.

“Stevie – can you hook up the dash cam to my laptop?” asked the object of Dante’s affection. “We’ll be able to see things a lot better on my screen.”

“Sure – piece of cake, Bren. This is one of the new ones with a USB port.”

He hooked up a cable to her laptop and set the computer on the passenger seat of the Explorer. He wound the dash cam back to the beginning of its last sequence and hit “play.”

Fifteen minutes later they stared at the horrifying image frozen on the screen, numb and sickened by what they had seen. They were all decidedly green around the gills. Sam D’Amato had gone into the bushes to throw up. He staggered back to rejoin the group, his face chalky.

“My…..God!” Brenna quavered. “It…it raped her….then it tore her apart and ate her!”

“It’s got to be some sick motherfucker in a Halloween costume!” D’Amato bleated, trying to convince himself. “It’s got to be!”

He turned to Morgan. “Jace!” he whispered, pointing at the screen. “Jace! Tell me that can’t be real!”

Morgan stared at the image of the beast, at the unholy face that was some kind of obscene cross between a man and a demonhound from hell. Its eyes glowed red, like burning coals, and blood dripped from razor-sharp fangs. Icy sweat trickled down his back as he remembered Megan Foster’s piercing, agonized shrieks as the mutant creature raped and slaughtered her.

He would hear those screams for the rest of his life.

“Jace!”

“That’s no Halloween costume, Sam. Whatever that son of a bitch is, it’s real.”

“Everything was fully functional,” Brenna said. “The fangs and claws………” She shuddered. “They were real. The penis was fully functional, sheathed like a…..like a… wolf’s. Did you see how big it was?"

Brenna closed her eyes, wondering what horror Megan experienced in those last, agony-filled moments of her life. The violation of her body by that massive, obscene organ….

She thought of Megan's beautiful baby son Brandon and a tear tracked down her soft cheek.

Sam D’Amato lurched away and ran to the edge of the woods, where he promptly vomited again. Jace Morgan charged after him. He spun the forensics chief around and grabbed him by the shirt front.

“Jesus Christ, man, get hold of yourself! What the hell’s the matter with you? You’ve seen mutilated bodies before!”

D’Amato wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He was trembling.

“It’s not the bodies, Jace, and you know it.”

He pointed to the image of the beast on Brenna’s laptop. “I defy you to tell me that you weren’t absolutely scared shitless when you watched that thing tear Megan apart. Did you see it? It enjoyed raping her! It enjoyed slashing her to pieces and eating her! It’s supposed to be an animal of some kind. Animals don’t rape young women, and animals don’t enjoy killing! It’s a killing machine, and it’s out there somewhere. What the hell is it?”

Morgan closed his eyes.

“I…I don’t know, Sam. I have no idea. Looks like some kind of a mutation, that's for sure.”

“It’s a werewolf.”

Morgan whirled on Tomlinson and glared daggers at him. The sheriff shrugged.

“If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. This thing looks like a werewolf, walks like a werewolf, and howls like a werewolf. I’d call it a werewolf. What would you call it?”

“Oh, sweet Jesus!” D’Amato cried.

Morgan shook him by the shoulders. “You’re in charge of the forensic investigation! Take charge of it – or turn it over to Brenna!”

Sam D’Amato pushed Morgan's hands off his shoulders. He looked like someone awakening from a nightmare. He nodded, and set his jaw resolutely.

“Bag the bodies and get ‘em down to the lab,” he said in a shaky voice. “Hopefully the autopsies will give us something we can work with.”

Jace Morgan held up a hand. “Nobody breathes a word about this to anybody, not even your families,” he said. “For now it’s classified as an animal attack – nothing more. It's going to be hard enough explaining that - much less some superstitious claptrap about a werewolf!"

He scowled pointedly at Tomlinson, but the sheriff ignored him. "We've got to get out of here now!" Morgan continued. "That thing will probably lay low until it's dark again, but I can't take that chance. I'm going to close the park. It’s off limits to everyone – including all of you – until we track down this….thing and kill it.”

“But we’ve still got a lot to do here!” Brenna protested. “We haven't even followed the tracks. Can’t we….”

Morgan shook his head.

“Too dangerous. Off limits for everybody. We know what we’re looking for; we can pick up the pieces later. Let the rangers and the sheriff’s department handle it.”

As the bodies were loaded onto the ambulances, Brenna turned to Steve Dante.

“I get off at five,” she said. “The Parker’s Woods trail comes up out of town near the lab and passes within 30 yards of here; I won’t need a car."

She set her jaw stubbornly. "I’m hiking back up here; I'm not finished poking around. We haven't gone looking nearly deep enough into these woods around this pulloff. Want to come along, Stevie?”

Dante shook his head, a mournful expression on his face. “God, I’d love to, Bren. Alone in the woods – with you? That’s a dream come true! But I’m pulling a double shift. I don’t get off until ten.”

“Can’t wait for you, babe!” she said. “I have to be out of here long before dark.”

She shivered. "The last thing I want to do is run into that....whatever it is."

“Jesus, Bren, Sam’ll have a cow if he finds out.”

“He won’t find out – right, Stevie?”

“I won’t tell him.” Dante hesitated. “Do you really think that's a good idea? If this thing's running around the woods...."

“I'll be careful.” She kissed him on the cheek. “I always am. Wolves are pretty much nocturnal, if I'm not mistaken. Even if this thing is some kind of mutant wolf, it probably will lay low until dark. Come on, we’ve got work to do back at the lab.”

"Wish I had my bike," Dante said. "I could cut down the trail and be back there in half the time it'll take by car."

"Yeah - but don't ever expect me to climb up behind you ," Brenna said. "I hate those things!"

He chuckled. "Your loss, babe!"

They got in Brenna's car and followed the ambulances out of the park.

As he watched the caravan leave the pulloff area, Tomlinson shook his head.

“So what’s the official line, Jace? We tell people there’s a rogue bear or what? Might cause a panic.”

Morgan chuckled. “And telling them there’s a werewolf on the loose won’t?”

“I see your point.” He frowned. “I’ll put the whole department on emergency duty – every able-bodied man and woman.”

“I’ll do the same with the rangers,” Morgan said. “We’ve got to get the park cleared out and blocked off. And we’re going to need guns – lots of guns. High-powered rifles, the works. We might need to bring in some contract hunters to augment our forces.”

“Might want to get a load of silver bullets, too,” Tomlinson added.

Morgan laughed. When Jeff Tomlinson’s expression didn’t change, the ranger colonel’s smile faded. “You’re not joking. You're really serious about this werewolf shit, aren't you?”

“Yep. I'm dead serious. I’m going into town to Castellini’s Gun Shop and have George make up a couple of cases for me ASAP. After what I saw on Brianna's laptop, I’m not taking any chances.”

He got into his squad car and drove off. Morgan watched him go and shook his head.

“Everybody’s going nuts,” he murmured. “Fill that thing full of enough lead, it’ll go down. Silver bullets!”

He slid behind the wheel of his own squad car and pulled out of the parking area, hoping they could find the beast and put a quick end to this bloody nightmare.

As he drove away, he wondered how he was going to break the news to the kids' parents - and how he was going to tell Pete Foster what happened to his wife....

*****

On the crest of a ridge a quarter mile away, Derek Talbot lowered his binoculars as the ranger’s car pulled away. He had heard every word of the conversations in the parking lot, as if he were standing right there with them. The sheriff would bear watching. Regular bullets wouldn't faze him, but silver bullets could kill him. It would be a good idea to take the lawman down, and soon.

His cock stiffened as he thought of the pretty forensic investigator..

'So scrumptious little Brenna Lang is going to hike up here all by herself this afternoon,' he thought. 'Maybe I can give her a first-hand look at what she's hunting for – satisfy her curiosity! Of course, what's that old saying - curiosity killed the cat?'

He stood up and stretched, and headed back down the hiking trail that led to his hotel. He was looking forward to a quick shower and some breakfast. He would spend the afternoon lounging by the pool and working on his tan.

Then, about 5 o'clock, it would be time to take a little hike on the Parker's Woods trail..........

TO BE CONTINUED

Last edited by Vorcla; 21-01-2008 at 09:30 AM. Reason: suggested edits
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Old 16-12-2007, 07:57 PM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

Normally, theres's a calm before the storm. After the explosive part 1 that grabs you and puts you right into the middle of the story, Part 2 appears to be the calm after the storm

Yet again, I found very few (or no) flaws at all while editing this. I also enjoyed reading it because you use refreshing words, words that are uncommon and fun to read and check up the meaning of.

In another sense, with the building excitement to read part 3, part 2 becomes a calm before a storm the reader starts expecting. You have a writing style that keeps the writer interested in the story. It reads thoroughly professional as well, as I've come to expect after reading part 1.

On a side note, don't be disheartened by lack of replies on your stories. Since stories are generally longer, fewer stories get read and commented on than poems, generally. Also, I hope to be seeing some more of your comments and critiques on our other stories here
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Old 17-12-2007, 11:00 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

Hi, tidruG-

Thanks for the comments. They keep writers going. We write for free; the only way we get "paid" is through readers' comments. Comments provide th motivation writers need to keep going.

The action will pick up again with Part 3. I'm trying for a "horror/action-adventure" story, sort of like the "Underworld" movies, and I try to keep things moving along.

Thanks again.

Vorcla
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Old 18-12-2007, 06:28 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

Another great chapter, you have me hooked lol. I can see this, I mean the style and the way it really captures the reader as a best selling published piece. Your writing is almost flawless, have you considered a novel, I mean submitting it for publishing or is this your first hack at something this big?

I do have one issue with this though, it seems a hole in the plot. Why suddenly after generations of these beasts, obviously in more than one family, are these people just finding this? I mean have they not even heard of attacks before? It seems he did little to cover his tracks and what not, and has been raping and feeding for a long time, what of the past victims? I guess a little more background would be nice, maybe a prologue before chapter one explaining the family and how they had dealt with it in the past. I realize he is in a new town and this may not have occurred yet there, but it is in a modern day setting and with information at everyones fingertips it seems unlikely they would not have heard of anything yet.

Otherwise, where is chapter three? lol
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See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
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Old 18-12-2007, 09:04 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

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Originally Posted by Venomous Vixen View Post
Another great chapter, you have me hooked lol. I can see this, I mean the style and the way it really captures the reader as a best selling published piece. Your writing is almost flawless, have you considered a novel, I mean submitting it for publishing or is this your first hack at something this big?

Man, I'm FLATTERED, Bri! Thanks for the kind words. No, I've been doing this for a l-o-n-g time. I teach Creative Writing, and this is mostly just for fun. I thought about setting up a website to self-publish it with illustrations. I'm still kicking that idea around. My parents taught me to read before I went to kindergarten, and in the fourth grade, my reading level was already equivalent to a college sophomore's. I've always loved to read, and to write creatively, from the time I was about nine years old.

I do have one issue with this though, it seems a hole in the plot. Why suddenly after generations of these beasts, obviously in more than one family, are these people just finding this? I mean have they not even heard of attacks before? It seems he did little to cover his tracks and what not, and has been raping and feeding for a long time, what of the past victims? I guess a little more background would be nice, maybe a prologue before chapter one explaining the family and how they had dealt with it in the past. I realize he is in a new town and this may not have occurred yet there, but it is in a modern day setting and with information at everyones fingertips it seems unlikely they would not have heard of anything yet.

This guy is the head of a big corporation and has the resources to move around the country at will. He's in a different place every month during the full moon, sometimes in a different country. He usually picks wild, remote areas (like the place in this story) which are off the beaten path. Occasionally he'll hunt in the underbellies of cities and pick off prostitutes and runaway girls - the "forgotten victims."

The other thing is, most police departments don't want to admit what they've got once they realize what's going on. "Yeah, Chief, we got us a bonafide werewolf here." "Uh, r-i-g-h-t. Just stay right here while I call the men in the little white coats." It's easier to just write it off as an animal attack. After Talbot's gone, the attacks stop, and things settle back down. Or sometimes he leaves a victim alive. They're infected with the Curse, and the following month THEY go on a rampage and take up where Talbot left off. If the authorities kill the new werewolf, they figure he/she was responsible for all the attacks all along. It's easier to explain away.

His ancestors were "reluctant werewolves," and locked themselves away during the full moon so they wouldn't kill anyone. Derek is the first one to really run wild.


Otherwise, where is chapter three? lol

It's on the way! Thanks again for your kind comments.
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Old 18-12-2007, 09:41 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

All of that makes perfect sense, if only you could incorporate some of that explanation into the story. Possibly elaborate at the beginning when you are describing his profession so it jumps out and punches the reader in the face, leaving no room to question later. Also, mentioning something about the trail of infected he leaves behind and them taking the blame may be beneficial to the story. That was another question in my mind, I mean his grandfather was somehow turned, does he ever turn any of his victims.

It seems to me addressing things like this in the beginning of the story keeps the reader in your grasp and not wandering off on their own, as they should not be when reading your story. Imagination is good, unanswered questions are dangerous. Unless you want the question there to be answered later, it is harmful to the overall effect of the story.
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See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
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Old 18-12-2007, 03:40 PM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

You are definitely skilled at keeping a story moving at a fast pace. I even feel that this "calm before the storm" reads quickly and maintains a good energy. I just finished this after reading pt. 1 earlier today, so you've definitely kept my attention.

But now I guess I'll be the party-pooper with a few criticisms...

So far, three women have appeared in the story. They're all fashion-model gorgeous. I find that a little tedious. It strikes me as a little too hollywood-ish. The story would be a little more believable to me if some of the women were at least average.

In pt. 1, the cheerleader had her breasts eaten off and was eviscerated. Later, when the werewolf had dragged her to a rock and was eating her, she was still twitching. I find it difficult to believe that she was still alive by this point. I find the idea of her still twitching while being eaten pleasingly gruesome, but only possible if she was moderately wounded by the time the werewolf began to eat.

Brianna Lang (predictably hot and sexy) must be a supra-genius. To be a forensic investigator at the amazingly young age of 22 is an astonishing feat! If she were 28 - 30, her credentials would be more plausible and she could still be hot.

Looking at sperm cells under a microscope will not tell you much about the animal they came from, particularly if they're both mammals. You'd need a full DNA testing facility to analyze the cells before you'd know what you're dealing with. A laptop would not have the capability to do what Lang's does. I realize this provides immediate proof that they're dealing with a werewolf. But I don't think you need it. The cam from the squad car does this just fine.

Just curious...when Talbot was listening from a mile away, was he in wolf form? Or are his heightened senses available while he is in human form? Doesn't matter either way. Just wondering.

Looking forward to pt. 3!
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Old 18-12-2007, 10:42 PM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

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Originally Posted by ea_blue View Post
You are definitely skilled at keeping a story moving at a fast pace. I even feel that this "calm before the storm" reads quickly and maintains a good energy. I just finished this after reading pt. 1 earlier today, so you've definitely kept my attention.

But now I guess I'll be the party-pooper with a few criticisms...

So far, three women have appeared in the story. They're all fashion-model gorgeous. I find that a little tedious. It strikes me as a little too hollywood-ish. The story would be a little more believable to me if some of the women were at least average.

(Yeah, I know (sigh). That's my fantasy. I always think in cinematic terms, as if this WAS a movie. I'll see if he can't nail an average-looking girl for variety! )

In pt. 1, the cheerleader had her breasts eaten off and was eviscerated. Later, when the werewolf had dragged her to a rock and was eating her, she was still twitching. I find it difficult to believe that she was still alive by this point. I find the idea of her still twitching while being eaten pleasingly gruesome, but only possible if she was moderately wounded by the time the werewolf began to eat.

(She WAS dead. It was what they call the "twitch of the death nerve.")

Brianna Lang (predictably hot and sexy) must be a supra-genius. To be a forensic investigator at the amazingly young age of 22 is an astonishing feat! If she were 28 - 30, her credentials would be more plausible and she could still be hot.

She was envisioned as an impatient genius, a hotshot, but she's not perfect. She jumps to conclusions, and rubs the Chief the wrong way. How about 25? And, yeah, she's hot. Sorry!

Looking at sperm cells under a microscope will not tell you much about the animal they came from, particularly if they're both mammals. You'd need a full DNA testing facility to analyze the cells before you'd know what you're dealing with. A laptop would not have the capability to do what Lang's does. I realize this provides immediate proof that they're dealing with a werewolf. But I don't think you need it. The cam from the squad car does this just fine.

(Good point. I may go back and do a little "revisionist" editing on that. As it stands now they will later find out in Part 3 when they run a DNA scan on the sample that they do indeed have a mutant creature on their hands, verifying what they saw on the dash cam. The question is whether they'll believe the evidence of their own eyes. You've just given me a great idea to increase the tension a little. Thanks! )

Just curious...when Talbot was listening from a mile away, was he in wolf form? Or are his heightened senses available while he is in human form? Doesn't matter either way. Just wondering.

(Talbot has the heightened senses all the time, even when he's in human form - supersensitive eyesight, hearing, sense of smell. Again this is based on Hollywood werewolf mythos. Believe it or not, most of what we accept as "traditional werewolf legends handed down through the ages" was invented by scriptwriter Curt Siodmak, who wrote the script for "The Wolf Man," THE best werewolf movie ever. The silver bullets, wolfsbane, full moon - all of that was him. Even that great rhyme was written by him: "Even a man who is pure of heart / And says his prayers by night / Will change to a wolf when the wolfsbane blooms / And the autumn moon is bright." Awesome!)

Looking forward to pt. 3!
Thanks for the kind comments, ea_blue. Writers CRAVE feedback (at least I do!). When you write for free, that's how you get paid. Your thoughtful comments have given me a couple of fresh ideas, too, and I appreciate that. Thanks.

But I still like 'em hot!

Last edited by Vorcla; 19-12-2007 at 08:12 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 19-12-2007, 01:56 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

Hmmm...who doesn't like 'em hot? I try to keep an eye on myself when I write and avoid having all my female characters look like Salma Hayek, *drool,drool* hehehe.

Quote:
(She WAS dead. It was what they call the "twitch of the death nerve.")
Too bad. I think the idea of the of the victim watching the beast gulping down gobbits of their own flesh especially horrifying.
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Old 19-12-2007, 02:09 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

Originally posted by ea_blue:

Hmmm...who doesn't like 'em hot? I try to keep an eye on myself when I write and avoid having all my female characters look like Salma Hayek, *drool,drool* hehehe.


Agreed! Salma - yum! The image gets the wheels turning.....

Quote:
(She WAS dead. It was what they call the "twitch of the death nerve.")

Too bad. I think the idea of the of the victim watching the beast gulping down gobbits of their own flesh especially horrifying.

We've got a long way to go. Wait til you see what happens to Brianna....oops! Is that a spoiler?

By the way, check out part 2 again. I did some tweaking based on your suggestions, and I think it made it better. Let me know what you think.
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Old 19-12-2007, 02:27 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

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Originally Posted by vorcla View Post
Wait til you see what happens to Brianna....oops! Is that a spoiler?
Geez, had to use my name huh? LOL, where is chapter three?
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See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
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Old 19-12-2007, 02:49 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

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Originally Posted by Venomous Vixen View Post
Geez, had to use my name huh? LOL, where is chapter three?
Oh MAN! I'd better change that! NO WAY would I want what happens to her to happen to YOU! You know, when I chose her name, I didn't know your name was Bri! I shoulda put two and two together to get three after I found out.

Seriously, this really BOTHERS me!

Sorry,

Rick

Last edited by Vorcla; 19-12-2007 at 02:56 AM.
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Old 19-12-2007, 04:04 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

Hey vorcla - you really cut out a bunch of stuff. But yeah, it does work a lot better with the changes you made. It's more plausible and leaner now.

I still think 25 is a bit young for Brianna - sorry. I'm thinking she'd have to go through pre-med, then med school, then forensics (could be the master's), then some kind of law education. I think she's looking at 10 years minimum for her education. More like 14 years. I don't want to harp on it too much. I just think that Linda Fiorentino in her 30s in MIB II was superlatively hot. She didn't have to be a young thing to get a rise out of me, hehehe.

Looking forward to pt. 3. I hope that Dante maybe gets some from his dreamgirl before Brianna gets eaten (and not the way she'd like). I always backup my brother techies, hehehe.
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Old 19-12-2007, 06:17 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

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Originally Posted by ea_blue View Post
Hey vorcla - you really cut out a bunch of stuff. But yeah, it does work a lot better with the changes you made. It's more plausible and leaner now.

I still think 25 is a bit young for Brianna - sorry. I'm thinking she'd have to go through pre-med, then med school, then forensics (could be the master's), then some kind of law education. I think she's looking at 10 years minimum for her education. More like 14 years. I don't want to harp on it too much. I just think that Linda Fiorentino in her 30s in MIB II was superlatively hot. She didn't have to be a young thing to get a rise out of me, hehehe.
Actually, the daughter of a friend of my wife's got a position in forensics with a Master's degree. She's at the bottom of the totem pole, of course, but she got her foot in the door anyway. Ever since CSI, all these kids want to be crime scene investigators. And in real life, I don't think they carry guns!

Last edited by Vorcla; 19-12-2007 at 06:18 AM.
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Old 19-12-2007, 08:44 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

Quote: Originally Posted by Venomous Vixen

Geez, had to use my name huh? LOL, where is chapter three?


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Originally Posted by vorcla View Post
Oh MAN! I'd better change that! NO WAY would I want what happens to her to happen to YOU! You know, when I chose her name, I didn't know your name was Bri! I shoulda put two and two together to get three after I found out.

Seriously, this really BOTHERS me!

Sorry,

Rick

Just for the record: I changed the name of the character "Brianna Lang" to "Brenna Lang." At the time I selected Brianna as the character's name, I was not aware the Bri was the real name of my wonderful e-friend Venomous Vixen. The character in question suffers the most gruesome demise in the entire story, and for some reason, it really bothered me that she was named Brianna. Bri told me that if I insisted on changing the name, she liked the name Brenna.

And that's what it shall be.

Hopefully I haven't thoroughly confused you!

Yeah, it's probably silly, and Bri told me it didn't bother her - but it makes ME feel better!
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Old 19-12-2007, 09:59 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

Quote:
He pointed to the image of the beast on Brianna’s laptop.
You missed one name change in there, I have edited it to Brenna's for you
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See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
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Old 19-12-2007, 10:04 AM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

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You missed one name change in there, I have edited it to Brenna's for you
Oops! Thank you.
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Old 20-12-2007, 01:10 PM
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Re: "Werewolf Moon" Part 2

I like your latest changes. It flows a lot better now. The interaction, between Dante and Brenna when she wanted him to join her for more investigation, is a lot more detailed now. Their conversation seems more real.. Brenna doesn't seem like a complete fool with the changes because I know more about her plan. And yes, she's more plausible now that she's in her late twenties, hehehe.

And maybe this was there all along; I'm not sure. But sometimes you have new paragraphs when they're not necessary. Like here...
Quote:
...I won’t need a car."

She set her jaw stubbornly.

"I’m hiking...
There's three paragraphs (just a portion of the first and third) and it's all her speaking or doing something. That can all go into the same paragraph. That way, an activity in clearly defined as belonging to that character. Make sense? This happens in several other spots.

Last thing: It's always better to "show" the reader something rather than to state it. This cannot always happen because sometimes brevity takes precedence. But if possible, it's better. When an author states a fact about a character it makes the author more visible and the character more of a puppet. Here, you say...
Quote:
Brenna Lang was very fond of him
...when you were introducing Dante. Later, you actually "show" her affection with this...
Quote:
She kissed him on the cheek
With that, I know her relationship with Dante is more than a professional one. So your point is made without the necessity of your stated fact. also, it's more titillating to let me wonder what that peck means. I'll be thinking about it later and wondering when you will show me more about it. As it stands now, I "know" it's "only" affection. Take out the statement about her affection and I have to "wonder" if she's only playing him or screwing him or both, hehehe.

Sorry to heap this on you at the last minute. The story is getting better and better in my estimation. Great job!

ea_blue
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Old 25-12-2007, 12:01 PM
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Thumbs up Re: [PICK] Werewolf Moon (Part 2)

Should not Chief be capitalized like saying Sheriff?

Quote:
What the hell could have done this? he asked, echoing the Sheriff.
Stay consistent when writing out numbers, I suggest. It read more flawlessly.

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I take a size eleven medium,
Should not Forensics Department’s be capitalized?

The Sheriff shrugged.(Capitalize)

Again, a fascinating story.
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Old 31-12-2007, 10:43 AM
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Re: [PICK] Werewolf Moon (Part 2)

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Should not Chief be capitalized like saying Sheriff?

Nope. You would capitalize it when mentioning the name (Sheriff Jeff Tomlinson) or addressing him in a sentence ("What is it, Sheriff?") Otherwise, no.

Stay consistent when writing out numbers, I suggest. It read more flawlessly.

Yes, ma'am. Seriously, that's my bad. One more little detail to watch.

Should not Forensics Department’s be capitalized?

Yep, I'll fix it.

The Sheriff shrugged.(Capitalize)

Nope. See above.

Again, a fascinating story.
Thank you so much for your kind comments. It's nice to get feedback. It seems like a lot of people are reading the story, but 19 replies versus 430+ views seems like a low ratio to me. And half of those replies are ME replying to the kind comments you guys have made. I don't know if all these people who are reading it are going, "Gee, this is great!" or "Gee, this sucks!" Writers value feedback like gold. As I've said before, we write for free; we get paid with feedback. Thanks again, Rena.
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Old 03-01-2008, 12:34 AM
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Re: [PICK] Werewolf Moon (Part 2)

"Werewolf Moon" There, I have redeemed myself. Another great chapter vorcla. I greatly enjoyed the slower pace of this one. If it had kept going at the furious pace I fear my head would have exploded and killed my dog (who is currently snoring) with skull shrapnal. I finished reading this yesterday, but was to exhausted to comment.

It's great how, by the end of this chapter, you've started to build up the suspense again. I'll read the third installment tomorrow morning (after work). Great work!
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Old 03-01-2008, 12:49 AM
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Re: [PICK] Werewolf Moon (Part 2)

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Originally Posted by BTLOTM View Post
"Werewolf Moon" There, I have redeemed myself. Another great chapter vorcla. I greatly enjoyed the slower pace of this one. If it had kept going at the furious pace I fear my head would have exploded and killed my dog (who is currently snoring) with skull shrapnal. I finished reading this yesterday, but was to exhausted to comment.

It's great how, by the end of this chapter, you've started to build up the suspense again. I'll read the third installment tomorrow morning (after work). Great work!
Thanks for the nice comments. I'm glad I wasn't responsible for killing your dog!
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Old 04-05-2008, 09:29 AM
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Re: [PICK] Werewolf Moon (Part 2)

This was as good as the first one!! loved your werewolf wanting a shower! Good stuff!!
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Old 04-05-2008, 12:28 PM
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Re: [PICK] Werewolf Moon (Part 2)

Thanks, Kat. I appreciate your kind comments.
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Old 16-06-2009, 01:27 AM
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Re: [PICK] Werewolf Moon (Part 2)

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He was short, chubby, with a florid face and a thatch of receding gray ringlets that looked as if they had been airlifted onto his head. All he needed to complete the ensemble was a toga and a laurel wreath.
hahaha. so cute.

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'So scrumptious little Brenna Lang is going to hike up here all by herself this afternoon,' he thought. 'Maybe I can give her a first-hand look at what she's hunting for – satisfy her curiosity! Of course, what's that old saying - curiosity killed the cat?'
hahaha.

so here are my opinions
you always leave the reading wanting more and more. you build suspense. suspense. obviously you have no problem with that. i just want to give you credit for that.

but i just have one thing to say ...when i say this i am going to be a complete hypocrite
the females in your story are ALL hot! i mean to make it more realistic, one at least should not be hot. hahaha. and yes i am being a complete hypocrite because i like all my females and males (hero &heroine) to be hot in my stories. haaha but i realize that i have to (force myself...ssshh dont tell anyone lol) include people who are normal and uglythat way it will be more realistic. other than that vorcla thumbs up!!
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