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Old 04-01-2008, 11:47 AM
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Dracula And Giselle (Part 1): A Legend Is Born

Synopsis: After being assassinated and beheaded by his enemies, Vlad Dracul the Impaler is raised up as a vampire by Satan herself (yes - herself!) He seeks a bride, and finds a candidate in the lovely young Giselle du Meliere. His quest begins....



The Curtea Domnească
Village of Tārgovişte, Wallachia
December, 1476



Dracula


His eyes snapped open. Darkness.

It was pitch black. He was closed up inside something. A box? But…..

How could he know this? He was dead!

He distinctly remembered the searing pain in his chest as the arrow drove deep into his body, through the heart. As he lay on the ground, he saw, through a crimson haze of pain, one of his own men approaching with a short sword in his hand, his face twisted into a mask of hatred. He felt a hand grip his hair, felt the blade slice cleanly through his neck, leaving behind enough blood so he could see the landscape whirl dizzily as his head was kicked from one to another, laughing as they played with it as if it were a child's ball.

Then….nothing.

Until now.

Vlad Dracul raised his right arm tentatively and pushed. A lid creaked open with a sepulchral echo. Dim light flooded into his claustrophobic enclosure, and he sat up.

He was in a coffin, naked except for the funeral shroud that covered him. He recognized this place – a tomb inside the castle of the Curtea Domnească – the Royal Court. It was his residence outside the city of Tārgovişte. But how?

Vlad could see the dim glow of twilight through an open, vaulted window. Snow blanketed the silent hills beyond in a ghostly shroud. A hand went to his neck in disbelief. He had been decapitated; he was sure of that. But not so much as a scar marred his smooth skin.

He frowned, fighting down rising panic. Something was very wrong here! He should have been freezing in this frosty chamber, and yet he felt nothing. He should have been able to see his breath hanging like a fog in front of his face, and yet he saw nothing.

Was he even breathing? Was he alive?!

“So many questions!”

The voice was soft, melodic, almost musical.

Vlad whirled around and gasped.

She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was naked, full-breasted, with a slim waist and rounded hips. Long, wavy red hair hung to her waist, and she appraised him candidly with clear green eyes.

“Who…”

She smiled seductively, showing long, sharp fangs.

“I have been called many names. I was known as Lilith, Adam’s first wife before Eve, who left him to become the bitch goddess of demons and vampires. I have also been called Asmodai, Beelzebub, Belial, and Lucifer. I personally prefer my more commonly-known name: Satan.”

Satan! The Devil him…herself?

“But you’re a...”

“A woman?” She snickered. “So what? Do you think that evil is a trait exclusive to the male? I must admit, though, that you stand out in the annals of human cruelty.” Satan stretched languorously and hopped down off the casket. “Besides, I can take on any form I wish. I thought you might find this one...pleasing.”

“What is this all about?” Vlad asked. He was beyond frightened, almost terrified, but he did his best to disguise it. His mind reeled as he struggled to comprehend what was happening. He was supposed to be dead! The only bright spot was that he found the Lord of Darkness to be entirely appealing and alluring.

“You served me well in your lifetime, Vlad Dracul, and for that service, I am rewarding you with eternal life...of a sort.”

“Of a sort?”

He wondered what that implied.

“You will become a vampire, a creature of the night, the Prince of Darkness,” she continued. “The sheep who populate this world will be your subjects, your cattle to feed upon. You will drink their blood. You will relish the terror of your victims, thrill to the sensation of their pulse as it ebbs and dies. They will fear you more than anyone in the world – with the possible exception of me!”

“A…a vampire?” Vlad scoffed. “I didn’t think they existed.”

“You’re looking at one,” Satan said, tossing her head back with a throaty laugh. “If you could look in a mirror, you’d be seeing another one – except.....you no longer cast a reflection.”

She embraced him. She smelled like cinnamon, and, despite his anxiety, he felt himself harden at the nearness of her. They kissed.

“And how would being a vampire allow me to rule over these vermin?” he asked, brushing her lips with his own. “I’ve heard the legends.”

“Then you know legend has it that you can change your shape,” she replied, grinding her hips against him. “You can become a bat, or a wolf, or even a formless mist. You can grow wings in your human form – the sheep find that apparition to be particularly terrifying. You will be able to hypnotize others and force them to do your will. You will drain their blood for your nourishment, and if you force your victim to drink your blood, they will become a vampire like you when they die – but they will be in thrall to you, your disciple. And if they serve you, they serve me.”

“Impressive,” he said. “So the tall tales are all true. I would dearly love to destroy every man, woman and child in Tārgovişte to avenge my assassination. They prospered under my rule, but they apparently took exception to the harsh discipline I employed. It was necessary to maintain order!”

Satan chuckled.

“I think what drove them to move against you was the little girl you executed,” she said. “Let’s see – she refused your advances, so you publicly stripped her, then violated her in the town square. You tortured her; you impaled her on a red-hot stake that pierced her body until it came out of her mouth, and then you skinned her alive. Oh, and you left her bloody skin lying on the ground near the base of the stake so she could gaze upon it as she died. Nice touch.”

A laugh bubbled up from her throat.

“She was a pretty little thing; I can understand why you lusted after her. But she was only sixteen years old. Even sheep like the citizens of Tārgovişte have a breaking point. Push them beyond that, and they will lash out. But I applaud your ingenuity. And now you can wreak vengeance on them.”

“And I will!" he vowed.

“They buried your headless body in an unmarked grave at the Snagov monastery, but I had, if you’ll pardon the expression, a devil of a time getting your severed head back,” Satan said, grinning. “It was sent to the Turks in Istanbul. They encased it in honey to preserve it, and impaled it on a stake outside the city walls as proof that the hated Kazıklı Bey was truly dead. It was hell getting that sticky stuff out of your hair! But….here you are.”

“Here I am,” Vlad Dracul said as he kissed her again. “Is there anything else I should know? According to folklore, there are limitations to that power as well, are there not?”

“Yes,” Satan answered. “There are limitations. You are a creature of the night; you will never see the sun again. You must sleep in your coffin on a layer of your native soil from sunrise to sunset; exposure to the sun will destroy you, turn you to dust within moments. In extreme circumstances, you can go out during the day if the sun is hidden behind the clouds - and you can summon the clouds if need be. But if the sun should come out, you will die. Stay away from running streams and holy water. You will abhor the sign of the cross, and will be repelled by garlic.”

“Never see the sun...”

Vlad’s eyes were haunted for a moment; then he smiled tightly. “A small price to pay for such power. I am ready to serve you, My Lord.”

Satan traced her finger over his lips and smiled.

“One more step – we must drink one another’s blood and seal your pact with a kiss. Only then will you experience the fullness of your powers.”

She sank her fangs into his neck; the flow of his blood into her mouth felt almost as pleasurable as an orgasm, and Vlad shivered and moaned. She pulled away, panting, offering her throat to him. He bit down until his fangs tore through her jugular. The blood hit his growling stomach, and suddenly the pain of gnawing hunger ambushed him like a knife in the gut. He drank greedily; she finally had to push him away.

“E-easy,” she gasped. “We’ll take you out for your first feeding shortly. Now we must consummate your transformation.”

They kissed, and their tongues wrestled as their blood and saliva mingled. They licked the blood off each other’s gory faces. Vlad could feel an incredible surge of energy and power coursing through his veins.

Then Satan climbed into the open coffin and raised her delightfully-formed backside in the air.

They mated savagely; their terrifying snarls reverberated off the dank stone walls of the tomb, and before long, Vlad's roar of climax echoed in the sepulchral chamber.

Satan stroked his hair, then sat up, smiling.

“Well, my dear Vlad, I think it is time we explored some of your new-found powers.”

He nodded. “I am ready, my Lord.”

She stood by the window and raised her arms. A terrifying change rippled over her body. Her skin became mottled and took on the color of putty. Five foot wings burst from her shoulders. Long, razor-sharp claws sprouted on her hands and feet; her face stretched into a short, bat-like muzzle, and her mouth suddenly bristled with gleaming fangs.

And she had grown a tail.

Imagine it,” she growled, “and you can do it!”

Vlad concentrated. Within seconds, he could feel the transformation into the bat creature overtake him. The feeling of power it imbued him with was intoxicating. With a triumphant roar, he launched himself out the window, with Satan close behind him.

He knew instinctively what to do. It was exhilarating; he soared high in the air at breakneck speed and cruised over the village of Tārgovişte, his black hair streaming out behind him. The wind blasted over his naked body, but he did not feel cold. He felt no discomfort whatsoever.

“Look – over there, by the river!” Satan exclaimed, pointing.

He saw them clearly; they seemed to glow in the dark. A teenaged couple walking hand in hand in the snow along the banks of the Ialomiţa River. They looked like ants from this height.

“The people are celebrating the end of Vlad Tepes’ reign of terror,” she sneered. “Let’s spoil their party. Let us feed on these young ones and kill them!"

They swooped down noiselessly; the young lovers were unaware of the vampires’ presence until it was far too late. A round, pretty face framed with blonde curls and wide, terrified blue eyes whipped around in horror as Vlad’s claws sank deep into her shoulders, and blood spurted. She screamed in agony and terror as she was lifted high into the air. He reached up with his hind claws and slashed, stripping her and leaving bloody grooves on her nubile body.

Then his fangs sank deep into her throat; powerful jaws clamped down until they snapped together in the middle. Her blood gushed into his parched throat in a torrent.

He drained her within moments. Scraps of torn, ropy meat clung to his fangs, and blood drooled out behind him.

The girl’s mangled head dangled by a thread of flesh, and a few splintered vertebrae.

“Tear it off – lest she rise as a vampire and compete with you for prey. She will not be in thrall to you!” Satan shouted with a terrible, bloody grin as she soared alongside him. The boy’s headless corpse hung from her claws. She reached up and disemboweled the body with a brutal slash; then she let go of it.

“I’ll not share with a peasant!” Vlad snarled. He twisted the girl’s mutilated head off her shoulders and let it drop. Then he grabbed her ankles and wrists and yanked savagely, tearing her in half at the waist. He watched as her torso and legs spun down through the night sky, streaming blood and entrails, until they splashed into the half-frozen, ice-choked river far below.

They flew back to the castle, sated, and reverted to human form as they landed in the tomb.

“Your hunger was overwhelming,” Satan explained. “You will find that a normal feeding can be a truly sensual experience. I prefer it that way. It can be slow and pleasurable, and spread out over several nights, or it can be done all at once, if you don’t want to wait to ‘turn’ your victim. You will find your own way.”

She kissed him; then she waved her hand, and he was suddenly attired in a Wallachian nobleman’s clothes. He glanced down at himself. It was a fine outfit: black leather boots; snug, black trousers; a white dress tunic; and a black greatcloak with a hood and a red lining.

“I wish I could see what I look like,” he said wistfully.

“You look dashing, my dear Vlad,” she said. “Your hair is shorter, and straight, and swept back from your forehead. They shaved off your thick mustache when they killed you, because they knew you were so proud of it. Personally, I like you better this way.” Satan stepped back and smiled.

“You are no longer Vlad Dracul the Impaler. From this day on, you are Count Dracula, King of the Vampires, Prince of Darkness, Son of Satan!”

He raised an eyebrow at that last.

“Well…adopted son, anyway!” Her green eyes danced mischievously. “You have the run of this castle. I conjured up a few visions to convince the tenants that the place was haunted.”

“It is!” Dracula said sardonically.

“Yes. Well, you might want to hire a few retainers back after you establish yourself. If you just drain some of their blood, you can make them your slaves. They come in handy for your interactions with the human world.” She embraced him. “And find yourself some brides to share your kingdom with.”

Then she was gone in a puff of smoke. The stench of sulphur and brimstone clung to the air – along with a hint of cinnamon.

He gazed out the window. It was fully dark now – time for him to explore his powers. A little visit to Tārgovişte was in order.

“I am...Dracula,” he said aloud. He smiled.

Then he closed his eyes and opened his mind, and a vampire bat hovered where he had been standing an instant before.

The creature dived through the window with a rush of air and flapped off toward the village.


*****


Giselle


Bonfires blazed merrily in the town square of Tārgovişte. The people were celebrating the coming of Christmas, and the death of Vlad Dracul – Vlad Tepes, the Impaler. There was dancing and singing and drinking where only days before a young girl had died horribly after being gruesomely tortured and impaled. She was just one of thousands to be executed by Vlad Dracul over the years of his reign, but her gory death had been the catalyst that brought about his downfall.

A huge, dark bloodstain on the cobblestones marked the spot where she had been murdered.

Peasants and well-to-do boyars alike mingled in the square, heedless of the cold. They danced and swayed – some of them from drink – as the music reached a crescendo.

Dracula studied them with contempt from the edge of the crowd. His hood was drawn up to cover his features. He took this precaution, even though he realized he could cloud their minds so they would be unable to recognize him.

Take a bride from this stinking mass of humanity, this rabble? Phah! They were cattle, good only for feeding upon. The women he saw were peasants, fat and smelly, more like pigs than human beings. Most of the boyar women, the aristocrats, had stayed away – probably by order of their husbands. He would choose a bride from their blue-blooded ranks – but not tonight.

He was about to leave when a carriage drawn by six black Transylvanian stallions rattled and clattered down the main street. Someone shouted, “Make way for the coach of Jacques du Meliere!” and the crowd parted like the Red Sea.

Dracula's eyes widened in appreciation.

Gazing from the window of the carriage was the face of an angel. Dracula stared in appreciation. She was very young, no more than eighteen, and luminously beautiful. She looked so innocent and virginal. Jade-green eyes stared in wonder at the crowd, and long, blue-black hair, parted in the middle, flowed to her shoulders, held back in a pony tail by a band. A group of young men waved at her. She brightened and waved back.

“Who is that?” one of them exclaimed. “She’s exquisite!”

“That’s Giselle du Meliere,” a companion said. “She’s here from France for the holidays. Jacques is her uncle. Rumor has it that her father sent her here to protect her virginity; things were getting a little too hot in Paris!”

“She’s been here two days, and she’s already had half a dozen suitors call at the du Meliere manor house,” a third youth chimed in. They all laughed.

‘Her,’ Dracula thought. ‘She’s the one. She shall be first.’

He faded back into the shadows and transformed himself into a bat. Within moments he had picked up the coach and kept pace with it, following it up the drive to the du Meliere estate. He flew behind a tree and shifted back into his human form.

Dracula hid in the shadows until the party in the carriage had been inside long enough to get settled in. Then he boldly strode up to the door and knocked. The attendant who answered regarded him quizzically.

“May I come in?” Dracula asked.

‘Yes, you may,’ he thought.

“Yes, you may,” the doorman answered, as if in a trance.

As he entered the house, Dracula’s powerful mind reached out to touch all the members of the household, summoning them – all but Giselle. Within moments, du Meliere, his wife and children, and all their servants stood in the drawing room, staring blankly at him.

“You will all remain here until I depart,” he commanded. “You will not move, you will not even blink until after I am gone, and then you will remember none of this.”

None of them stirred.

With a satisfied smile, Dracula climbed the steps to Giselle’s boudoir.


*****


Giselle du Meliere sank into the bed, suppressing her tears. She hated this place. She so wanted to be back in Paris with her lover Henri. Why did Father send her to this ridiculous little backwater village in Wallachia?

A sob broke from her chest. She knew why. Papa wanted to keep her from Henri. They were very close to consummating their relationship, and Papa knew that. And he wanted his little girl to remain a virgin.

She pouted.

Most of her friends had long since surrendered their innocence to their boyfriends; some of them had sex all the time, like wanton, slutty whores.

The young girl sniffed and hugged her knees to her chest. "Oh, Henri, if only we could be together." Her eyes brimmed with tears. Raising her head, she continued to whimper, letting the tears stream down her face.

Then she frowned, sniffling, wiping her face.

The man standing at the foot of her bed seemed to have materialized from out of the ether. He was tall and lean, handsome and aristocratic. He looked to be in his mid-thirties. His shiny black hair was combed back from his forehead, and he was dressed in black, with a white tunic. He wore fine clothes – the clothes of a nobleman. His dark, piercing eyes seemed to bore right through her, hypnotizing her. She was terrified; she wanted to run screaming from the room, but something kept her rooted in place. Something inside her mind.....

"Who are you?” she asked, shuddering. "What do you want?”

The man walked toward the bed, his compelling eyes locked mesmerizingly on hers. "Don’t be afraid. I am Dracula. You let me in. Don't you remember?"

"No," Giselle shook her head. "I don't."

"But you do," Dracula whispered throatily as he sat beside the raven haired girl on the bed. "I knocked on your door, and you invited me in."

"I did?" Giselle's forehead furrowed in confusion as Dracula subtly moved deeper into her mind, clouding her thoughts, controlling her will. He began to stroke the soft, dark hair, loosening the band that held it back.

"Are you sure?" Giselle's puzzlement increased. I truly don’t remember...

"Yes," Dracula's lips brushed the slender neck. "I heard you weeping. I wanted to make sure you were all right."

"Oh," Giselle's head nodded slowly. Of course. Everything is fine. Relax. She shivered. "You're s-so c-cold!"

"It is cold outside," he responded. "You will grow used to it." Dracula continued to stroke her hair, then let his hands move to Giselle's shoulders. Deftly he removed the silk nightshift, and continued to let his hands roam over the young body. "So young, so beautiful, so healthy," he murmured. He still craved the rich, warm liquid that flowed in her veins, but now he craved something more. "So desirable. And desiring."

A moan bubbled from the girl’s throat, bringing an appreciative smile to Dracula's lips. He maneuvered Giselle further back into the bed. He slipped out of his clothes and joined her.

Giselle frowned and shook her head in confusion. This is wrong! She couldn't understand what was happening. It was if she had no control over her own will. She should scream and call for help.

But she could not.

Dracula continued to examine her young body with his skilled hands.

"But denied desire for so long," he continued as he began to caress Giselle most intimately. "I know that feeling, child."

"W-wait." Relax. Enjoy this.

Confusion and desire filled the young girl. It frightened her. "P-please, stop." Giselle put up a beseeching hand to halt the skilled manipulations of the man lying beside her and felt herself grab his manhood.

'This is wrong!' she thought.

"No, child," Dracula's hand covered hers. "It is not wrong. Go on."

'How could he have...' Giselle continued to shake her head, trying to get away from his insistent touch.

"You are so sad, child," Dracula continued, moving closer to the young form. "I can ease your sadness," he continued pulling Giselle's body to his, burying his head in the curve of her neck.

"Relax, child. Relax." He smiled as the tenseness slowly left her body. "That's better - much better."

Dracula raised himself up and leaned over Giselle's body. He began to kiss the girl's face, starting with her eyes and moving down, pausing at her mouth. He let his kisses become more aggressive. Giselle hesitated, but at the man's insistence, finally let her mouth open and admit his tongue. The kissing became more heated, and she responded, and found herself beginning to explore his body in much the same way that hers had been explored.

Dracula moved back briefly, smiling at the girl, then continued to kiss her, lingering on her pear-shaped breasts before moving down to her navel. He felt the girl shudder with anticipation as another moan escaped her lips. Then he moved lower and continued to kiss her body, holding her hips in place, delving deep into her body, pleased when Giselle cried out and arched in pleasure.

"And now, my sweet one," Dracula murmured as she moved back up to Giselle's lips, "I believe it is my turn."

Giselle looked up into Dracula's eyes, nodding slowly. "Yes," she said thickly. "Of course. But--"

"Don't fret, my sweet child," Dracula rolled to his back on the bed, pulling Giselle on top of him. "You will do well. You will please me as I have pleased you."

"But--" began Giselle again, "I've never--"

"Just do as I did," Dracula pulled Giselle's mouth to his. "Just do as I did."

Giselle obliged, beginning with Dracula's dark eyes and moving down. Again there was a lingering as she let her tongue enter Dracula's eager mouth. She stopped and looked at him expectantly, then continued on as Dracula nodded his satisfaction. Her tongue tickled his chest, and Dracula found himself pulling her even closer, then releasing her to let her move down his body, pausing at his navel before moving on.

He felt his own quiver of anticipation as Giselle’s head dipped between his legs. He found himself holding her, making sure she could not pull away until she had completed her oral ministrations. Giselle's hands moved under Dracula's hips as she took him in her mouth, and she fell to her task with more fervor as she felt his grateful response.

His seed soon filled her mouth and throat. It was as cold as the snow outside, but she swallowed every drop.

Giselle lifted her head, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, her eyes seeking Dracula's approval. He smiled and pulled her down beside her.

"You see, my sweet, you were able to do it." He rolled the girl under him and made as if to begin kissing her again.

Suddenly, his sharp fangs bit into Giselle's neck. She gasped, then moved her head to expose her neck even more. Dracula felt the girl shudder under him in an explosive climax and smiled as he continued to feed.

He finally stopped, and leaned back to slice open his chest with a thumbnail. He forced Giselle’s head against the wound.

"Now, sweet child, drink. Drink, and we shall be as one."

He cradled her head as she did as she was bidden. Finally, he pulled her away from the wound and kissed her lips tenderly. He kissed the neck that had so recently fed him, pleased to see the angry red marks emblazoned on her now-pale skin.

Giselle's head lay nestled against Dracula's chest. Her breathing was shallow, labored. The fluttering of her long lashes tickled the vampire faintly as he stroked the girl's cheek. Looking up into Dracula's dark eyes, Giselle let herself smile. She raised a weak, trembling hand and wiped a droplet of blood that remained on Dracula's lip with her finger, then placed the finger in her own mouth.

"Welcome, child." Dracula smiled down at her.

"M-master," Giselle said, stumbling over the word.

He got up and dressed himself. She was his now, his to command. The mark of the vampire was on her throat, and she had drunk his blood. Soon she would join him as his undead bride.

He would come to her again tomorrow; then, the night after that, he would bring her over to the other side....

He bent down, kissed her and stroked her hair. “Sleep now, Giselle,” he whispered. “And tell no one of this. I will return tomorrow night, and we will explore….further.”

A thrill of pleasure shivered through Giselle’s taut young body. Perhaps he would make love to her tomorrow, instead of just kissing and licking her sex. As enjoyable as that had been, she desperately wanted him inside her. All thoughts of Henri faded from her mind.

She quickly drifted off to sleep.

Dracula walked slowly down the staircase, past all the members of the du Meliere household, who stood frozen, just as he had left them. They would regain their senses after he departed; to them, it would be as if no time had passed. He closed the door behind him, and heard the quiet hubbub of conversation begin as he strode down the pathway.

And then, suddenly, he shifted into the form of a bat again, soaring over the village, on the prowl for perhaps one more victim to feed upon before the morning sun forced him back to his tomb.

TO BE CONTINUED…..




Next: Dracula and Giselle (Part 2): Innocence Lost

Dracula and Giselle (Part 2): Innocence Lost



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Last edited by Vorcla; 31-05-2009 at 11:13 AM. Reason: Picky, picky, picky.
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Old 05-01-2008, 04:26 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Quote:
He felt a hand grip his hair, felt the blade slice cleanly through his neck. Enough blood remained in his brain to allow him to see the landscape whirl dizzily by for several seconds as his severed head was tossed and kicked from one laughing, mocking boyar to another.
Something odd about this, maybe it is the use of the word brain. Is there a way to combine... possibly "... cleanly through his neck leaving enough blood to see the landscape whirl as his head was kicked from one to another, laughing as they played" er something along those lines.

Quote:
He should have been able to see his breath hanging like a fog in front of his face, and yet he saw nothing.
I loved this image!

Quote:
“You’re looking at one,” Satan said. “If you could look in a mirror, you’d be seeing another one – except that you no longer cast a reflection.”
I almost imagine her throwing her head back and chuckling as she lets the word "except" hang in the air... maybe that can be added in to draw out the word for the reader and make it a bit more impactful.

Quote:
The jugular is preferred, although any large, accessible vein will do.
This felt out of context... the flow of the paragraph was dominating and seductive and this was very factual. I think you could even go without it at all.

Quote:
“Never see the sun again.” Vlad’s eyes were haunted for a moment; then he smiled tightly.
You could almost use a "..." after the word again, to mirror his reflection on the thought.

I was slightly confused by the ending... was Giselle turned? How could he leave her, what about the sunlight and the change. I guess a little more there would be good, unless your intent was to leave the reader hanging.

Otherwise, another brilliant storyline, again with something unique added to it. Your descriptions are amazing, truthfully. I look forward to more of this and the other story, you have your work cut out for you!
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Old 05-01-2008, 05:08 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Thanks for the kind comments - and the suggestions, Bri. I made all your suggested changes (except for the "tossing the severed head" section - gonna work on that at home tonight when I have a clearer....ahem...head. ). Anyway, all those edits make the story flow better. The ellipsis.......is especially effective

As for the ending, it WAS to leave the reader hanging, but I did add a couple of lines to clarify. Giselle HAS been turned; all she needs to do now is to die. Even if she lived another 60 years, she'd become a vampire when she passed away. Dracula is enjoying it and making her last a couple of days before he finishes her off, instead of just going for the whole enchilada the first time he's with her. I think the added narrative clarifies a little more. Thanks again.

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Old 05-01-2008, 12:38 PM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Vlad Draul raised his right arm tentatively and pushed. Echoes of creaking lid opening.(Or something similar)

As demonic as this story has to be, was the penetration of a snake truly warranted?

What about adding more to…You will drink their blood; relish in the last moments of memory of your dying victim. Experience a heightened moment of arousal in the fleeting seconds of their final pulse.(Or something similar)

Wait, wait now I know for a fact the people of Romania/Transylvania had some idea of evil dead/walking dead so this statement should be rewritten...A...a vampire?” Vlad scoffed. “I didn’t think they existed.” You mention later down that the people’s folklore knew of their existence.
You cannot say something exists then say there are ways to destroy it.

Why not add detail of Vlad’s decaying/severed head and body as he kisses the Devil?

The word c*nt is so offensive and misused, you should try something else. This is not the first time either, but I am just now mentioning it. Apologies for the delay.

To go with the flow of action, would someone actually take the time to even mention “its time to consummate”? Just show them kissing then pulling away following by a straddle of his hard member.

Sulphur and Brimstone should be capitalized. Also Cinnamon, I believe.

You’ve already separated the chapters by naming them perhaps you should post them separate also.

“The Rising of Vlad Dracul” or something similar.

I’ll return to read another time.
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Old 06-01-2008, 12:10 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vlad Draul raised his right arm tentatively and pushed. Echoes of creaking lid opening.(Or something similar)

I like the echo effect. How about, "the lid creaked open with a sepulchral echo?" I added that.

As demonic as this story has to be, was the penetration of a snake truly warranted?

Lilith/Satan is the personification of evil and wanton, unbridled, uncontrolled sexuality. Lilith was probably the most sexually depraved woman in the annals of history. The snake, of course, is a symbol of Satan - and the phallus. The conjoining of the woman and the snake is symbolic; plus, it makes for a great, squirmy image. Whether or not it's warranted is up to the reader; it's what I wrote. I do have a warning about "explicit sex" at the beginning.

What about adding more to…You will drink their blood; relish in the last moments of memory of your dying victim. Experience a heightened moment of arousal in the fleeting seconds of their final pulse.(Or something similar)

I like that. I may tweak it a bit.

Wait, wait now I know for a fact the people of Romania/Transylvania had some idea of evil dead/walking dead so this statement should be rewritten...A...a vampire?” Vlad scoffed. “I didn’t think they existed.” You mention later down that the people’s folklore knew of their existence.
You cannot say something exists then say there are ways to destroy it.

I never said vampires existed, just that there were legends and folklore about them that presumed their existence. In today's world, some people believe in the existence of vampires, and some do not. It was the same in Vlad Dracul's time - and Vlad happened to be a skeptic. He didn't believe in them. He does now!

Why not add detail of Vlad’s decaying/severed head and body as he kisses the Devil?

He woke up in his coffin as a proto-vampire, so at this point he's no longer decaying.

The word c*nt is so offensive and misused, you should try something else. This is not the first time either, but I am just now mentioning it. Apologies for the delay.

Well....."vagina" is so clinical; it's okay once in a while. Calling it "her sex" wears out its welcome, too. You can use "intimate place" or "nether orifice," but that's reaching. Once in a while you gotta reach back for the "C" word. I apologize if it offended you, but this IS an adult, erotic horror story, and I DO have a disclaimer at the beginning warning the easily offended.

To go with the flow of action, would someone actually take the time to even mention “its time to consummate”?

Why not?

Just show them kissing then pulling away following by a straddle of his hard member.

Actually, the "consummation" in question is the swapping of blood and bodily fluids in the open-mouthed kiss, after which Vlad becomes a full fledged vampire. I thought it was important to emphasize that. Satan just straddles his member because she's horny!

Sulphur and Brimstone should be capitalized. Also Cinnamon, I believe.

No; they're common nouns. Now, if Satan had pet names for the demons that pull his sleigh on Christmas Eve, THEN you'd capitalize because names are proper nouns - "On Sulphur, on Brimstone, on Cinnamon -- Cinnamon?!" In this case, though, they're lower case.

You’ve already separated the chapters by naming them perhaps you should post them separate also.

Then it wouldn't be "Dracula AND Giselle." I'm trying to do a story that shows Dracula's origins, and how he infects his first disciple/bride, Giselle. Somewhere I read that it was thought that Satan turned Dracula into a vampire because he was possibly the most evil human who ever lived, but I don't remember ever seeing a story about it. Anyway, I felt that the two parts should be together

“The Rising of Vlad Dracul” or something similar.

Thanks for the suggestion.

I’ll return to read another time.

Thanks, Rena. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment about the story.
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Old 06-01-2008, 04:24 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Another sexy one from vorcla!

I like the idea of covering Dracula's first experiences as a Vampire. That's a side of the story that's not touched on thoroughly enough. We all know his origins and "what" happened, but those first few moments rarely get any depth. I like this approach. Throwing in the devil as character in this is just...cool.

Maybe I'm not totally up to speed on vampire legends, but I thought that Dracula was the "first" vampire. How could he know of any legends when he is the source of the legends? When Satan tells him he will be a vampire, why didn't he say, "Huh? What's that?" There would've been legends of monsters and undead, but the specific vampire legend had yet to be created, yes?

And this would explain why Satan goes into the lengthy description of how a vampire lives. In fact, I wondered why all the detail anyway. I mean, it doesn't really help the reader at all. The rules of vampirism are quite embedded in the understanding of society. Almost no one doesn't know the rules. I wonder if the description could be dispensed with. Maybe Satan could pass these things on a little at a time as they go. It would be on the job training, hehehe. Just a thought.

Another thing I wonder about is his nonchalant responses to seeing Satan and his immediate acceptance of his new existence. I mean he responded like he was taking a pizza order! It doesn't matter that he was an evil man. That's not reason enough for such casual acceptance. He's faced with something completely beyond his experience. Some temporary disbelief or confusion is warranted. Vlad Dracul was historically very intelligent. I would expect that he might even drive the interview to some degree.

By the way, I like Satan in this form and her means of building him into a vampire. I always wondered about how exactly that works. Now I know, hehehe.

This bit surprised me:
Quote:
“Tear it off – unless you want her to rise as your undead bride!”
This is a new one. I thought someone would have to drink of his blood to become undead.

Quote:
“Well…..adopted son, anyway!”
Haha! Liked this bit.

When Dracula went into Giselle's budoir, I think she accepted him with too little reaction. She should have immediately screamed and ran. Now if he already had her under his spell, you should say that. And how that transformation occurred would be interesting to read. How his thrall works can be complicated because I would imagine he wants to still enjoy her very human reactions to sex. I would expect the arrogance of Dracula would want to experience her confusion and ultimately her passion. And too deep a controlling spell would eliminate that. But he still has to do something because otherwise she'd be climbing the walls trying to get away from him.

Once again, you've produced an enticing and energetic read. I enjoyed it. Looking forward to the continuation!

Cheers!

ea_blue
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Old 06-01-2008, 07:05 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Originally posted by ea_blue:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another sexy one from vorcla!

Thanks! I try.

I like the idea of covering Dracula's first experiences as a Vampire. That's a side of the story that's not touched on thoroughly enough. We all know his origins and "what" happened, but those first few moments rarely get any depth. I like this approach. Throwing in the devil as character in this is just...cool.

And it really appealed to make the devil a woman - a hot, sexy woman!

Maybe I'm not totally up to speed on vampire legends, but I thought that Dracula was the "first" vampire. How could he know of any legends when he is the source of the legends? When Satan tells him he will be a vampire, why didn't he say, "Huh? What's that?" There would've been legends of monsters and undead, but the specific vampire legend had yet to be created, yes?

No, actually. Sadistic parents in the Roman Empire used to scare their kids with stories of vampires, werewolves, and witches, and Petronius mentions werewolves in his "Satyricon." Check out www.roman-empire.net. There's even a legend that Judas Iscariot became a vampire; he was cursed by God for betraying Jesus, PLUS he committed suicide (legend has it that suicides can become vampires). The ancient Greeks had vampire and werewolf legends as well.

And this would explain why Satan goes into the lengthy description of how a vampire lives. In fact, I wondered why all the detail anyway. I mean, it doesn't really help the reader at all. The rules of vampirism are quite embedded in the understanding of society. Almost no one doesn't know the rules. I wonder if the description could be dispensed with. Maybe Satan could pass these things on a little at a time as they go. It would be on the job training, hehehe. Just a thought.

I don't know. It's a thought, but maybe Vlad might NEED to know some of the ground rules since he's a non-believer. If Satan leaves him to his own devices, he might be blithely flapping around as a bat when the sun came up. That would be a real "Oh, shit!" moment !

Another thing I wonder about is his nonchalant responses to seeing Satan and his immediate acceptance of his new existence. I mean he responded like he was taking a pizza order! It doesn't matter that he was an evil man. That's not reason enough for such casual acceptance. He's faced with something completely beyond his experience. Some temporary disbelief or confusion is warranted. Vlad Dracul was historically very intelligent. I would expect that he might even drive the interview to some degree.

I think Vlad is a bit stunned and overwhelmed by it all, and soon becomes resigned to his fate. Plus he's enchanted by Satan ("This vampire thing can't be all bad when you get to shtup hot babes like her!"). He figures it's better than having his honey-encased head rotting on a spit in Istanbul while his body molders in an unmarked grave in Wallachia (today's Romania). But I'll look at it.

By the way, I like Satan in this form and her means of building him into a vampire. I always wondered about how exactly that works. Now I know, hehehe.

Swapping spit and blood with a hot woman! The "hot woman" part is cool, but the other stuff....yuck!

This bit surprised me:

Quote:
“Tear it off – unless you want her to rise as your undead bride!” This is a new one. I thought someone would have to drink of his blood to become undead.

Not really. You'll become a vampire when you die if you're infected by the vampire's bite (his/her saliva in your blood). However, if YOU drink a vampire's blood before you die, you become his/her slave when you rise as a vampire. If you behead the victim, they're toast; they won't come back. So if you don't 'turn' your victim to become your vampire slave, you might want to make sure they don't come back as competition for the blood supply!

Quote:
“Well…..adopted son, anyway!”

Haha! Liked this bit.

I did too. Clever, eh?

When Dracula went into Giselle's budoir, I think she accepted him with too little reaction. She should have immediately screamed and ran. Now if he already had her under his spell, you should say that. And how that transformation occurred would be interesting to read. How his thrall works can be complicated because I would imagine he wants to still enjoy her very human reactions to sex. I would expect the arrogance of Dracula would want to experience her confusion and ultimately her passion. And too deep a controlling spell would eliminate that. But he still has to do something because otherwise she'd be climbing the walls trying to get away from him.

He's already got a grip on her mind; his own mind is VERY powerful. In "Van Helsing," he lights candles with his mind by willing them to ignite. I tried to imply his power over her with some of the dialogue: Giselle: "I don't remember that." Drac: "Oh, but you do!"

Once again, you've produced an enticing and energetic read. I enjoyed it. Looking forward to the continuation!

Cheers!

ea_blue

Thanks, Blue. I appreciate the comments!
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Old 06-01-2008, 09:33 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Okies - your counter-points are all good. I think these explanations should exist within the text of the story in some way. Imagine that they story does not exist in a forum where someone can get answers to the questions directly from the author.

Of course, every 'possible' question cannot be covered because you'd end up with a dissertation rather than a story, hehehe. But some should. I always thought Dracula was the first and oldest one. I think a lot of other folks would think the same thing. So, if he isn't, then nip that supposed contradiction in the bud. Dracula's mental powers are not in doubt. But when he's using them, we as readers should know that he's doing it. That way, the behavior of his victim makes sense. Make sense?

This bit...
Quote:
"Oh, but you do!"
...might only be Dracula being persuasive with words only. Giselle is a young and inexperienced girl. Persuasive words alone might/might not work. So his statement is not strong enough to suggest he's using mental powers. Just my humble opinion.

Cheers!

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Old 07-01-2008, 06:28 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Originally posted by ea_blue:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okies - your counter-points are all good. I think these explanations should exist within the text of the story in some way. Imagine that they story does not exist in a forum where someone can get answers to the questions directly from the author.

Of course, every 'possible' question cannot be covered because you'd end up with a dissertation rather than a story, hehehe. But some should. I always thought Dracula was the first and oldest one. I think a lot of other folks would think the same thing. So, if he isn't, then nip that supposed contradiction in the bud. Dracula's mental powers are not in doubt. But when he's using them, we as readers should know that he's doing it. That way, the behavior of his victim makes sense. Make sense?

I know what you're saying. As you mentioned, though, if you try to explain every miniscule little detail, that gets old, too. I tried to empasize some things that I thought needed explaining, and it seems people are saying, "Oh, I KNOW that." Then there were other things I didn't think required an explanation, and it's like, "What's this all about?" Oh, well....

This bit...

Quote:
"Oh, but you do!"

...might only be Dracula being persuasive with words only. Giselle is a young and inexperienced girl. Persuasive words alone might/might not work. So his statement is not strong enough to suggest he's using mental powers. Just my humble opinion.

Cheers!

ea_blue

Thanks, Eric. I appreciate the comments. I may try to tweak this a little at some point, but I just came off a week where I posted two stories and two poems - and I ain't never writ a poem before! I may take a couple of days to catch my breath.
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Old 07-01-2008, 08:54 AM
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Thumbs up Re: Dracula And Giselle

It was as if she had no control over her own will. (Possibly add “as”)

What about…
Quote:
Dracula continued to examine her youthful/adolescent features with his skilled hands.?
What about…
Quote:
Dracula moved back briefly, smiling, entakened by the vision before him. Then he snaked out his tongue, hanging over her body lashing down at those pear shaped breasts before moving down to her navel. He felt her shudder with anticipation as another moan escaped her lips. He moved lower still and kissed inside her wriggling, taut hips…
Still a captivating tale.
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Old 07-01-2008, 09:50 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Originally posted by RENA HANDS:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was as if she had no control over her own will. (Possibly add “as”)

What about…
Quote:
Dracula continued to examine her youthful/adolescent features with his skilled hands.?

"Youthful" would work. "Adolescent" could imply that she might be underage - don't wanna go there!

What about…
Quote:
Dracula moved back briefly, smiling, entakened by the vision before him. Then he snaked out his tongue, hanging over her body lashing down at those pear shaped breasts before moving down to her navel. He felt her shudder with anticipation as another moan escaped her lips. He moved lower still and kissed inside her wriggling, taut hips…

WHOA! I need a cold shower!!! That's totally hot! I may steal that! Nicely done; you oughta write something like this.

Still a captivating tale.

Thank you, Rena. I appreciate the comments!
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Old 07-01-2008, 10:00 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

*butting in...she does and often..pm her.please lol
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Old 08-04-2008, 12:56 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Have you told Bram Stoker about this? I bet he would surely be interested! Bram Stokers' Dracula is my favourite book and i must say that every time i'm ready to read another story about Dracula i think that there is nothing more that can be said about him which Stoker haven't already said! Obviously i was wrong! It was a very good idea to write about what happened and Dracula became a vampire. I liked very much your characters and the way you present them throughout the story. The most interesting of them, is not Dracula himself, but satan herself!

Now, i feel i must refer to some aspects concerning Dracula and his vampiric nature, as presented throughout your story. Dracula was a mighty fearless warrior who surely would not sign a pact with the devil so easily! He was considered to be the devil in real life, as noted in Romanian history books and he was cruel but war tactics expert who have worked very hard on the soldiers' psychology during the battle. I'm not so sure that he would be seduced instantly even by the devil! It is more likely to me that he would like to plan his own revenge without following guidelines and he would sign the pact only if he was absolutely certain that there was no other way to survive the grave.

Another thing is that surely a character like Dracula has no romantic nature at all, but this is a matter of how you want to present him so i could not blame you for that!

I think that your story is very good and i'm sure i will enjoy reading what comes next!
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Old 08-04-2008, 01:28 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

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Originally Posted by Themis Fallidas View Post
Have you told Bram Stoker about this? I bet he would surely be interested! Bram Stokers' Dracula is my favourite book and i must say that every time i'm ready to read another story about Dracula i think that there is nothing more that can be said about him which Stoker haven't already said! Obviously i was wrong! It was a very good idea to write about what happened and Dracula became a vampire. I liked very much your characters and the way you present them throughout the story. The most interesting of them, is not Dracula himself, but satan herself!

Uh, oh - a vampire expert! I'm gonna have to watch my "P's" and "Q's!" Yeah, Satan's a sexy babe. Glad you liked.

Now, i feel i must refer to some aspects concerning Dracula and his vampiric nature, as presented throughout your story. Dracula was a mighty fearless warrior who surely would not sign a pact with the devil so easily! He was considered to be the devil in real life, as noted in Romanian history books and he was cruel but war tactics expert who have worked very hard on the soldiers' psychology during the battle. I'm not so sure that he would be seduced instantly even by the devil! It is more likely to me that he would like to plan his own revenge without following guidelines and he would sign the pact only if he was absolutely certain that there was no other way to survive the grave.

Well, he was dead, and he probably figured, "What the Hell?" So to speak!

Another thing is that surely a character like Dracula has no romantic nature at all, but this is a matter of how you want to present him so i could not blame you for that!

To me (and a lot of people) vampires are extremely sexy and romantic, and even bestial when they get upset.

I think that your story is very good and i'm sure i will enjoy reading what comes next!
Thank you, Themis. Thanks for the in-depth post. Keep commenting like this and you may be in the running for Reviewer of the Month. This is what we're looking for - not just a count of how many commas the writer missed.
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Old 08-04-2008, 01:55 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

wow, you really llike the Vampire/Werewolfscenarios, don't you? I loved it, and i look foward to reading more
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Old 08-04-2008, 02:16 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

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wow, you really llike the Vampire/Werewolfscenarios, don't you? I loved it, and i look foward to reading more
Thanks, man.
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Old 23-04-2008, 10:09 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

That was interesting to read. I love vampire stories, all type(especailly Revelations in Black). When I started reading this I thought it would be poop, but I was wrong. It was good and awesome. Your descriptions were awesome, I followed everything without trouble.

But this is only the first part. I didn't really find something to grab me. No real conflict. I guess that's where Giselle is going to step in.

Look forward to the next part.
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Old 11-07-2008, 08:37 PM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Hey chief!

Interesting read. Overall, a good twist on what is a very used story line. I think you have a good balance of description and fact...

The snake? Nice touch

However, I did not quite feel that old Drac was talking 'in character' much prior to consumating his pact with Satan, it seemed very modern, quite down to earth... and not very much like the the time and age of his surroundings.

With that in mind the dialogue (though brief) when he seduces and takes advantage of Giselle was quiet fitting and seemed to be right on the spot!

Overall, a good read!

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Old 11-07-2008, 09:59 PM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Thanks, Ferris. And thanks for digging this one back up...so to speak. I need to do Part 2 of this one soon.
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Old 14-07-2008, 02:21 PM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Don't know how I missed this one for so long, Rick. I read it the other day and am just getting around to comment on it. This one was a bit more sexually graphic than what I'm used to from you, but no more gory! Anyway, I thought it was quite well done. I agree with some of the other statements that Vlad accepted his fate a little too easily, would have liked to see some kind of conflict there, even a minor one.

Other than that, I thought it was an interesting direction with the story. The birth of Dracula, very interesting. You're writing style tends to snare the reader and carry him along with the flow of the story easily. I had not problem getting lost in this one when it took off. Very good work! I know your busy with Vorcla's story but I would like to see more of this one when you get around to it.
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Old 14-07-2008, 02:36 PM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle

Actually, I promised Bri I'd get to this one soon. Also, there's an interesting scene where Dracula, after leaving Giselle, is still hungry. He works his way into a nearby estate where a young couple is making love. He kills them and turns them. What's interesting is the young nobleman's name -Nilos LaGory.
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Old 29-01-2009, 11:25 PM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle (Part 1): A Legend Is Born

This was an interesting piece of horror. Well written, lots of really nice description and plenty of sex with vampires and a she devil. What more do you want from horror? lol.

My only issue with this serialized horror like this is that it just doesn't scare me. I remember sitting down and tucking into Dracula when I was a kid and despite the intangible nature of a lot of Stoker's narrative being scared ridiculously throughout.

That being said I will read the parts of this as they are produced because it is a very enjoyable story, but it takes more than gore and vampires to make something truly of the horror genre for me.

This for me is more of a fantasy as it's without question a great piece of writing and very enjoyable and I am looking forward to the next part, but the acid test for me for a good piece of horror is 'could I read this alone at night without peeking into the dark corners of my room, or sitting awake thinking about it for a while?" If the answer to that is yes, then to me, it's just not horror.This is of course all my opinion, and not actually relevant to how well executed this story clearly is. (And I re-iterate it's a really good read.)

All of that being said, I haven't read the whole thing yet, so I'll have to wait impatiently for you to write the next parts of the story, lol.

Good job, but be scarier.
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Old 30-01-2009, 02:41 PM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle (Part 1): A Legend Is Born

Thanks.

Actually, this isn't horror in its strictest sense. It's sort of a hybrid genre I call horror/action-adventure - an action/adventure piece that uses the conventions of horror. Horror is just the closest category I could put it in. It's more along the lines of "Van Helsing" or the "Underworld" movies, except with more character development.

In the "Vorcla's Quest" and "Dylan Vorcla: First Moon" werewolf series that I wrote, the main characters have problems just like you and me. They have relationship problems, bills to pay, etc. They're regular folks, just like us - except they turn into seven foot tall hairy, blood lusting monsters when the moon is full. The horror elements are secondary to the character development.

Anyway, glad you liked it, and I hope to have part 2 up soon.
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Old 31-01-2009, 04:08 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle (Part 1): A Legend Is Born

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The horror elements are secondary to the character development.
I'll drink to that!
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Old 01-02-2009, 06:58 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle (Part 1): A Legend Is Born

Huh, now this one I had missed. I'd always meant to read this one, but never gotten around to it, so when I saw it on the recent posts list, well, I just couldn't resist. ^_^ This was written a little less than a year ago, but your writing style has changed so much! ^_^ That's not to say that the writing in this one is bad, far from it, the writing is excellent. I'd always wondered about the parts that the classic Dracula novel left out. How exactly did Dracula become a vampire? How did he meet his brides? Who were they before they were vampires? And how exactly did that whole pact with Satan thing work? Well, now we know. ^_^ Excellent response to a popular legend, made a story that has been overworked in the past fresh and interesting. Great work, would be interested to see a part two (especially to see how Nilos came about. I love how all your horror/action series connect, making a cohesive horror lore all your own. Interesting to see how an ancient wallachian is troubling Dylan Vorcla in the present. ^_^)
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Old 18-04-2009, 04:26 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle (Part 1): A Legend Is Born

Man - I don't know how I missed your comment, hon! Sorry. I really appreciate it.

Yeah - in a sort of back handed way, the Dracula legend ties in to the Vorcla saga. Glad you enjoyed, Tricia!
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Old 31-05-2009, 07:12 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle (Part 1): A Legend Is Born

Quote:
"Are you sure?" Giselle's puzzlement increased. I truly don’t remember...
Is the second part of this supposed to be a thought or spoken statement? Maybe clarify that somehow..either with quotes or italics...

Parts of this story are confusing..I guess the whole process of becoming a vampire in this style is still a bit confusing to me... maybe I'll understand more as I read on. Otherwise, great story! You've got me hooked...among other things... I like your style and the depth to which you capture my attention!!
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Old 04-09-2009, 12:23 AM
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Re: Dracula And Giselle (Part 1): A Legend Is Born

Can't believe I missed this. Sorry, Kit!

Yeah - I forgot to put quotation marks there. I'll fix.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Kitten.
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