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Old 10-09-2008, 04:23 PM
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Andronox - Part 1

Chapter 1 – The End

I stared at someone who looked much like my dad. But it couldn’t be him. He was so different. When did he ever look like this? The last time I saw him was eight years ago, and he never had those evil eyes he now stared at me with.

I wanted to take him in my arms and hug him and never let go. I didn’t care who he was, even if he was different from before. He was my dad. I loved him, right?

“Dad?” I whispered. I reached out to touch his pale white skin. I hoped he couldn’t hear the fear in my voice. “Dad?”

He flinched away from my touch, “Paige, you have to leave. I don’t want to hurt you,” He snarled and showed his teeth. The first thing I noticed was the utter perfection of them. Not a tooth out of order. But, eight years ago I remembered a slight gap…. Then I noticed the color. They were red. No, his teeth weren’t red. They were covered in blood.

I should have run, but I couldn’t. It was like my feet were cemented to the ground. This was my father. I loved him. How could I just leave him here?

I wasn’t scared. No fright had taken me over yet. He stared at me for a long moment.

“Paige, go,” He said angrily.

“But D-“ I tried to say.

“I am not your dad anymore. I don’t deserve to be your father. Go away,” He glared at me.

I stumbled around awkwardly, some of me wanting to reach out to him, and another part of me wanting to run.

Finally, I mustered up enough courage and strength to leave. I screamed and ran away. It felt as if I was betraying my father, by abandoning him in the woods. But I kept running. My feet went as fast as they could. My breathing quickened. I got a cramp in my side. My legs were so tired. But I had to keep running, like I never had before.

Suddenly, I felt my feet fly beneath me. I went faster than ever before. If was exhilarating, and maybe if I wasn’t in this situation I would have screamed with excitement.

I had never run this fast. I was flying, farther and farther. I no longer felt the cramping or tiredness. I felt nothing but sheer joy.

But then I thought about what was behind me. Something bloodthirsty. A killer. My father.

That’s when fear slapped me in the face.

I didn’t know if he was following, or had gone the other direction. What if he was coming after me? Tears stung in my eyes. I forced myself not to cry. I wanted to look back, but I couldn’t. What if he was there?

I didn’t have much time to think about anything, but thoughts still raced through my head. I wanted to lie down on the ground and scream, hoping someone would save me from this nightmare. I couldn’t hold back the tears now. I was crying, and it didn’t help me see anything. I hit a low branch in the forest, but I didn’t stop.

I finally forced myself to turn around. He, my dad, was running behind me. He was so fast. He was faster than me, even with my new found speed. His eyes were a deep auburn color. My dad was going to kill me.

I tried to run faster, but I couldn’t. This was as fast as I could go.

I screamed again, but louder this time. Even at the top of my lungs, it wasn’t loud enough. No one was near. Please, please someone help me. I prayed with whatever I had left. But no one did. He leaped towards me.

Bang!


When I woke up, I was in my bed. Tears strained my face and I was covered with sweat. What happened? Had I died? Was I dead?

Then I remembered. Dad. He was going to kill me. He was following me.

My eyes widened, and I quickly looked around my room. It was too dark to see anything. Was he…here? I swallowed the lump in my throat.

Breathing heavily, I checked the clock. It read 4:57. I sighed. I still had an hour until I had to get up. But I couldn’t go back to sleep with so many thoughts on my mind. Why had he looked so evil? My only memories of him were happy. Before he left us, he had never as much as raised his voice around me. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. Why was my mind saying otherwise?

Without knowing it, I had been crying this whole time. Tears stung my eyes and I couldn’t even see the dark anymore. I bit my lip. I was officially going to be a junior this morning. I can’t just be crying because of a father that left eight years ago.

I still didn’t know why he left. My mother, my poor mother, was lost when he just wasn’t in bed the next morning. She had no idea what was up or down. He was everything to her. My father was a caring, gentle man. His beautiful blue eyes that I remembered flashed in my mind. This just made me cry more.

Finally, I drifted into a light sleep.


*****


Astoria High School looked the same as last year, and the year before that, and every year of forever. In such a small town, nothing really changed. The gray walls outside were still boring and chipped. The gray walls inside were no different.

While everyone was happy and excited to see each other, the dream was still on my mind. I smiled and told my friends about summer and asked about theirs, but my mind was wandering in the forest green meadow with my dad.

I walked aimlessly to my classes, but still put on a happy face and talked. They were all kids I had known since third grade and before. Maybe, unconsciously, I was scoping the crowd to find a new face.

As I walked to Biology, I heard someone talking to me. It yelled my name loudly. Louder. Louder.

I must be crazy. Hearing voices in my head? Having crazy nightmares? Crying for no apparent reason? I sighed quietly and smiled.

While thinking all of this, I hadn’t noticed the wet linoleum floor in front of me, and I slipped, thrusting all my books into the air and my body onto the floor. I landed with a thud. For a second, I just lay there. The halls were now empty, and class had already started. I forced myself to get up, so I could make it without Mrs. Vanner scolding me too much.

As I put my books that were strewn about the hall back into my arms, something tugged at me. I looked around. Nothing. I went back to picking up books, when big, burly, muscular arms grabbed my waist and pulled me into a janitor’s closet I didn’t even know was there.

I was ready to scream when a cold hand covered my mouth.

“Shhh. Don’t scream. This will be quick and painless,” A husky voice said once we were both in the tight closet. The voice sounded mocking, like behind the blanket of darkness he was smirking. I couldn’t see anything. I might as well have been blind.

“W-w-what’s going on? Wh-who are you? Please d-d-don’t hurt me,” I stammered. My voice sounded so innocent. I tried to make it sound powerful, but I didn’t have the bravery. I was scared out of my mind.

“Shhh. My name doesn’t matter now. And I told you, it won’t hurt. Quick and painless, if you want,” the voice said.

“I’m gonna be late for c-c-class. Let me go,” My voice shook and broke and I realized I was going to cry. Not now, no crying now, I thought. It didn’t help.

“Shhh. If you let me get this over with, I won’t have to kill you,” he said.

“Kill me? What are you doing?” I asked. I was blubbering away now.

Suddenly, I felt cold lips pressed against my neck. I couldn’t take it anymore. I hit him wherever my hand swung, and tried to knee him in the stomach. It didn’t help, and he clutched me tighter.

“Stupid Andronox,” He muttered under his breath.

I lost it, and screamed.

“Help! Please someone, he-“ I was cut short by a sudden pain in my neck.

I tried to scream, but my mouth was dry. My body was numb and I couldn’t move. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground of the closet. The linoleum, which was probably cold, I couldn't feel at all. I tried to lift my arms to open he door, but only my eyes could move.

The man who I only knew as a voice quickly lifted me into his arms with ease. He opened the door swiftly and carried me through the halls.

I could see him now. His face was hard to explain. It was certainly attractive, but not hot or cute. It was beautiful, like a girl. But he wasn’t girlish looking. His hair was a deep chocolate, like mine. He looked down at me, and smiled. The smile wasn’t a generous smile; it was a mocking smirk of a smile.

His teeth looked like my dad’s in the dream. They were perfect, and I swore I saw what looked like lipstick on his teeth, but we both knew that it wasn’t lipstick. My dream must’ve been telling me something.

It was like an out of body experience. I could see what was happening, but I couldn’t feel it. This moment was like a TV screen, and I was watching it. I didn’t even have the strength or ability to cry.

We burst into the office.

“Mrs. Briggs, Paige collapsed in the hallway. I think she may have been out for a while,” he said. His voice wasn’t husky as it had been before. It was now silky and smooth. It sounded like music.

“Oh, dear. Can you hear me, Paige?” Mrs. Briggs asked.

I tried to reply, but I couldn’t. I moved my eyes up and down in a substitute for nodding, because I couldn’t do that either.

“The poor thing can’t move,” she said, poking and prodding me. “We have to get her to a hospital. Call 911 from the phone on my desk, Jeremy,” She said gently to the man I now knew was Jeremy. He placed me in a chair and walked swiftly to the phone.

“Paige, honey, are you all right?” the old woman asked. She put the glasses that were on the top of her head onto the tip of her nose. Her gray hair was tied back in a loose bun.

I wanted to say “No, Jeremy just dragged me into a closet and bit my neck. I can’t move and he just about killed me! I am not all right! Jeremy is not a student, he is a monster. Get him out of here! I am NOT all right!”

But Jeremy’s bite was so strong that it paralyzed me. I did nothing.

Meanwhile, Jeremy was dialing 911 with ease, and acted like the hero he was not.

That’s when the fire started.

My veins in my toes and fingertips started burning. I looked at my hand, expecting it to be a pile of ashes. The fire spread up my legs and arms slowly. It was worse than any pain I had ever been in. Now, I would take anything you could throw at me. It would surely be better than this.

The burning reached my heart, and it sped up. Faster. Faster. Soon, it would drill a hole through my ribs it was moving with so much force and speed. I wondered when I would die. I hoped it wouldn’t be long.

“Jeremy, is she alive? When you found her was she breathing?” Mrs. Briggs was more panicked now. I’m sure I would be partly her responsibility if I died right there in her office. But I wasn’t listening. I hoped she was right. I hoped I wouldn’t be alive much longer. Anything to get away from the fire.

“I don’t know. I just found her on the wet floor with her books everywhere. I think she slipped,” Jeremy said, faking panic, as if he were actually worried about me. I was disgusted by him. He would be the hero for saving me, when he was the monster who got me into this situation.

If I could move more than just my eyes, I would stand up and slap him. I would kick him and tell the world my story.

Suddenly, my head was spinning and I got sleepy. My eyes flickered. I had to sleep. So…tired. I closed my eyes. For a second, I wondered how someone on fire could be so sleepy. But I didn’t care, because if it would take away the burning pain I was happy with it.

When I woke up again, I was in a bed. It was all a dream. It must be.

The fire was gone, except for the small blaze in my throat and mouth. I could live with that, though. It was certainly better than before.

But this wasn’t my bed. It was a hospital bed. It wasn’t a dream. Maybe I was really dead this time. Maybe at this point I wanted to be dead.

“Nurse! Nurse!” My mom yelled, teary eyed and tired looking, “She’s awake!”

I was surprised that I could turn my neck to look at her.

“Oh, baby. You’re alive! Here, drink some water,” My mom said, crying and handing me a tall glass of water. I weakly picked it up and drank some. It felt like heaven for my lips and throat. They were so dry I could hardly move my mouth.

“Mom, how long have I been out?” I said in a hoarse whisper.

“A week. We didn’t know if you would pull through,” My mom replied, her face looking distressed but joyful at the same time.

I drank more and more water. I was still thirsty. I wasn’t hungry at all, but I needed more to drink.

“Honey, how do you feel?” She said, handing me another glass of water. I just nodded. My throat was dry again, as if I hadn’t drank the other cups of water just seconds ago.

“Okay. Just thirsty.” I croaked, chugging another glass.

“Oh, I’m so happy you’re okay. I love you so much, Paige.” My mom reached down and hugged me. I inhaled as she was holding onto me. She must have bought new perfume. It smelled really good. No, it was better than good. It was sweet and inviting. It smelled edible, like sugar cookie candles at Christmas time. Like you could just gobble the whole thing up. I inhaled again, to get more of the lovely scent.

But then she released me, and the smell was gone.

After a lot of checking and poking and lights in my eyes from the nurses, I was free to just sit there, without interruption. Evidently, everyone thought I slipped on the wet floor (which was true), and knocked myself unconscious (not true). I wanted to tell them the real story, but I was afraid I’d be sent to an asylum for having crazy thoughts and going mad.

I stayed in the hospital for another boring day, still undergoing check ups and CT scans. I could still smell the beautiful smell and my thirst was still unquenchable. Until the end of that day, it was extremely uneventful.

That’s when he came in. He looked like how I remembered him. Graceful, generous, caring. My dad.

“Paige! Oh, thank goodness you’re alright!” He said excitedly, running towards my hospital bed. He hugged me as well as he could with the many cords and tubes connected to me. He was the first person that day that didn’t smell so good.

His eyes weren’t red, or evil. They were a beautiful, warm blue. His teeth weren’t pointed or bloody. They were white, and straight. He was him. He was the handsome dad I remembered. He looked the same as always, like he hadn’t even aged at all. I smiled a wide grin and wanted to hold him forever now that he was here.

“Dad, I thought I’d never see you again!” I said after he let me go.

“Yes, Paige, I need to tell you something.” He replied, more seriously this time. He ran his hand through his curly brown hair.

“Ok,” I said softly.

“Well, where do I start? Ok, all I know is that you were bit. Right?” He said, as if expecting an answer.

“How do you know that?”

“The idiot Hemvora did it, didn’t he?” He said, shaking his head.

“Hemvora?” I questioned, confused.

“We’re something different, Paige. We’re not human.” He looked down while he said this. He drew out the sentence so that it was very long.

I cocked my head, confused.

“What?”

“Well, you see – actually, this is a long story,” he said, leaning back in the generic green hospital chair.

“I’m not really going anywhere, Dad,” I said.

“Ok, now you must understand, honey, that I am not proud of being this. I never wanted to put you or your mom into this.”

“Dad, I know. Just tell me,” I said, annoyed now.

“Hundreds of years ago,” he began, “something happened. A disease spread around the country, killing many. Only about 100 people that got the disease actually lived. Well, lived is the wrong word. They survived. Life, for them, was not living.

“Days after they recovered, they became…different. They craved not just meat, but blood. They were bloodthirsty. They would lurk in the night and…hunt. People thought rabid animals were killing, or aftereffects of the disease.

“A war broke out, between the…between us. They broke into two groups: Andronox, who didn’t want to be bloodthirsty and violent, and Hemvora, who simply wanted to kill.

“Eventually, no one won. The Andronox went out into everyday life, trying to fit in. Hemvora still try to kill like they used to, and convert people they think would be useful to them into…them. It sometimes is as if the war is still going.

“We are descendents of the Andronox. We are Andronox,” He continued, “When I figured out about everything, I was 37, when I was, er, bit. The first day was horrible. I felt probably like you do now,” He paused, “The thirst was unquenchable. I drank gallons of water, but that’s not what I thirsted. And the smell was horrible. I couldn’t escape it.

“So I left. I didn’t want to hurt you, even though I knew you would come around eventually.”

That’s when it snapped together. I wasn’t thirsty for water. I could drink an ocean; it wouldn’t help. I was thirsty for blood.
I could now recognize the beautiful smell that now lurked in my nose.

It was blood.

I was speechless and shocked at the same time.

“So, we’re bloodthirsty killers?” I nearly screamed. I was angry now. How long had he planned on not telling me this? I was seventeen! Could he have told me this a few years ago? Eight years ago?

“No, no. We want peace, honey,” he replied calmly.

“But, technically, if we wanted to, we could be bloodthirsty killers,” I said, though not as calm.

“I suppose. Hemvora and Andronox are incredibly strong and fast, and some have, er, powers,” he explained.

“Why am I not strong and fast? Powers?” I asked.

“You have to find that strength, Paige. I guess you’ve never really tried to lift a car or run fast. And you have to discover your power, if you have one,”

And I thought I knew myself well. When was I going to discover that I was something more than human? When would I know I was some superhero or something?

“But he bit me.” I had nearly forgotten about Jeremy and the whole miserable day which seemed like years ago.

“Yeah. Well, I don’t know if you want to hear this, hun. You see, you already had Andronox blood in you. All you needed was a bite to come to your full potential. A bite from someone Hemvora or Andronox makes you… immortal,” he said timidly.

Immortal. Everlasting. Never dying. The same. Forever.

I gasped, searching for air. But there wasn’t any. The room started spinning. I felt like screaming and throwing a fit. I now understood why the Hemvoras were so violent. How else could you express this anger? I was seventeen. Forever. For the rest of eternity. I would never go to college. I would never even graduate high school. I would never be old enough to drink. I would never be an adult! At least my dad became immortal when he could actually be an adult. I was a teenager forever. There went my hopes and dreams.

Breathe, breathe, a voice in my head told me. I took a breath. The room was still now.

“I’m not going to die. Ever.” I said so softly it was less than a whisper. Now I wasn’t mad. I was furious. I couldn’t bring myself to words.

“I am seventeen forever.” I spit the words. My eyes narrowed.

“Honey, you aren’t seventeen forever. I mean, next year you can say you’re eighteen. Right?” He smiled unconvincingly.

“Wrong. What do I say when I’m thirty? ‘Oh, yeah I’m thirty, yet I look exactly like a seventeen year old. No biggie.’” I said angrily.

“Paige, calm down. I’m saying forty one right now. It’s not as bad as it seems.” He tried to be cheerful, but his face didn’t look it.

“No, it’s worse. Dad, this is horrible!” I whined, trying to not freak out. I didn’t want to lash out in the hospital. I’d given up on drinking water, and didn’t want to drink the other alternative right now.

I started crying against my will.

“But what about Jeremy? Aren’t you gonna go, like, kill him or something?” I blubbered.

“It’s bad enough as is. Hemvoras interacting with Andronoxes and vice versa is strictly prohibited. His biting you has already started sort of a battle between us. If I go hurt him now it will just make everything worse.” He explained.

“B-but I hate him! He r-ruined my life! Go k-kill him! Or I will! I’ll kill him myself!” I exclaimed through sobs.

That’s when a nurse came through the sliding glass doors of my quarters.

“Miss Dean, your visitor must leave in five minutes,” the squat blonde woman said. Her hair was unnaturally colored and her face was full of makeup.

I nodded, and she left. My dad leaned forward, grabbing something out of his pocket.

“Calm down. Here, this is for you,” he said, embarrassed. He obviously was not into giving or receiving gifts. He held out a silver chain with a diamond pendant. The diamond was carved into an unusual form. It looked like a teardrop. I couldn’t tell if it was beautiful or not. He put it around my neck as well as he could with the tubes and needles in my body.

“Thanks,” I said, putting my chin on my neck to see it closer. “It’s really pretty.”

“Paige, it’s not just a pretty necklace. It’s a symbol, of who we are. I have one, too,” He chuckled. “But I keep it beneath my shirt. Most guys do. It’s kinda girly, don’t you think?” I smiled.

“Yeah. Thank you, though. I really like it.”

My dad started to get up and leave.

“Wait! Where are you going? Are you coming back? Are you planning on just bolting again? Or are you gonna stay? Does Mom even know you’re here?” I asked in a rush, not giving him time to answer any of the questions.

“Doll, I’ve got some…business to attend to. And I will come back. In a few years, at least. And Mom doesn’t know I’m here, and doesn’t need to either.”

He hesitated while saying this.

“Business? Or killing?” I asked mockingly.

“Paige, I understand you are angry but you need to be quiet. We keep our existence a secret. You can’t tell anyone anything. Not even your mother. I’m sorry.”

“So that’s it. Our eight year reunion is over. I get it. I’m less important than your little group of monsters. Bye.” I snapped.

“Well, do you even want me to come back? To check on you?”

“No. Go away. I don’t want to see you ever again in my full forever of living.” I glared at him until he left.


I went to school the day after I was released from the hospital. It was better because I was no longer thirsty. It was worse because Jeremy was there. It was worse because I didn’t want to talk to people, and they ignored that wish and asked about my “near death experience”.

So I tried to avoid everyone. I was afraid. Afraid of hurting them, right then and there. I didn’t want to be a monster. I didn’t want to have anything to do with this life. I didn’t talk unless asked a direct question. Even then, they were lucky if they got two syllables for an answer.

I didn’t hear anything – I tuned all noises out. I didn’t feel anything; I didn’t taste anything on rare occasions when I would have to eat in front of my mom. But I didn’t want to eat, because food was bad for us and it definitely didn’t quench my thirst. I might have been there physically, but people’s eyes never met mine. I never looked up, anyways.

It was as if I was at the dentist’s office and they rubbed their numbing cream all over my body, but the pain was still there. I had no idea how much time was passing. It could be days, weeks, or months. I didn’t care. I had unlimited time on this earth. There was no need to pay attention to time.

I didn’t talk to my friends again, even with their calls every night, asking if I wanted to go to a movie. I was always “busy”, and I think they knew I wasn’t doing anything. After a while, they stopped calling.

I continued walking through the halls to class with my eyes focused on the ground. I wasn’t looking at anything, though. It was like staring at a blank piece of paper. Remarkably, I made it to class everyday unscathed.

Only one time did I ever bump into anyone, and the boy who hit me obviously did it on purpose. It was a boy who had always been in my classes, yet I never bothered to think about him. He had red hair almost like a penny, and deep chocolate eyes.

“Sorry,” He said, gathering my books off the ground. “My name’s Matthew. You’re Paige, right?”

“Yeah. Sorry. I guess we can all be clumsy at times, right?” It was the longest thing I had said since I went back to school. He laughed a nice, husky laugh and smiled a big grin.

“I like your necklace.” He said, eyes focused on the diamond pendant. I looked at his neck, too, to keep from looking at his face. Amazingly, he had the same exact necklace. I grabbed it without thinking, and held it in my hands.

I gasped, realizing what it meant.

“You’re a…” I whispered, not finishing my sentence. He chuckled again.

“Yeah. I see I’m not the only one. Can I walk you to lunch?” He offered. I was so amazed that I was no longer alone that I just nodded.

“So, uh, how old are you?” I stuttered.

“Twenty six.” He smiled. “You?”

“Seventeen.” I said warily.

“Was it Jeremy?” he whispered, too quiet for any human to hear.

I grimaced. “Yeah.”

“Oh.” He looked at the ground, for once not smiling. We approached the cafeteria doors. The room was already filled with students, and I realized we were late. “So, do you want to sit with me?” The grin spread across his face again.

“Uh, sure. Should we get some food?” I asked, though both of us knew we wouldn’t eat it. He laughed.

“You know, it doesn’t get any better, I hear. I know some that are centuries old, and the food still tastes real bad. And trust me, this cafeteria is better than most. Some other high schools I went to were really bad.” He laughed again, as we got into line for food.

I made a face as the lunch lady scooped a blob of chili onto my plate.

“Oh. Well, I didn’t really have much of an appetite before all this, anyways.” I smiled again. I already felt like I was free and weightless with Matthew. I could actually be me, and not hold back anything.

“So, the genes were on your dad’s side?” He asked.

“Uh-huh. You?”

“Both. I didn’t stand a chance,” he said, laughing a little.

“Oh. Where are they now?”

“My dad left a while ago, when I was ten. My mom stayed, but when I became an Andronox, I ran away from home. Haven’t gone back since.” He frowned a little, and his eyes were sorrowful for a moment.

“Sorry. Me, too. I mean, my dad left when I was eight. I still live with my mom.” I smiled a little to ease the mood. He returned the grin.

“That’s good. Does she know?”

“No. Can I tell her? I mean, is it against the rules and stuff?”

“Yeah, you can tell her, but only if you’re planning on biting her after and hoping that her body doesn’t reject the poison.” He explained. I grimaced. There was always a catch.

“Reject it?”

“Yep. Humans with no Andronox genes in ‘em can get killed by it. I think it’s a 50-50 chance.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t need to tell her, anyway,” I said, staring at the chili blob.

“So, what’s your favorite color?” Matt asked. He seemed truly curious, not like he was just trying to change the subject onto a lighter topic.

And that’s how things went. I learned a lot about my new life, and simply had fun. I still didn’t recognize time passing, but days went by.

“I’m glad to see you smiling again,” He said as we crossed the cafeteria to the empty table in the back. “It’s been a while, you know. Before all this you had the nicest smile. Well, not that you don’t now, of course.” Blood ran to his face. I didn’t even think of what he said; I had gone too long without hunting, and that was dangerous.

“Oh, uh, thanks.” I stuttered, glad that he stopped blushing.

“I know, I need to hunt, too.” He said, answering a warning screaming in my head.

“Um, how did you know that?” I asked, not as weightless as before.

“Well, I kind of have a power. Um, I can sense danger. It’s kinda stupid, I know. But it’s pretty helpful sometimes. Like, I can tell if something like a plane crash is gonna happen and stuff like that.” He explained.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let myself go this long. I’ll go tonight.” I tried to smile, but it wasn’t effortless like before.

“Do you wanna come with me?” Matthew asked. His face was pleading like a puppy’s. “I have a really cool spot we could go after, too.” He smiled a grin so wide it looked like it must have hurt.

I hesitated. I had only met this guy a few weeks ago, but somehow it felt like we were best friends already. And that’s what I needed: a friend.

“Like a date?” I asked, trying not to hurt his feelings.

“It can if you want, but I wasn’t thinking-”

“Oh, that’s fine. Just as friends.” I smiled effortlessly again.

“Ok. Can I pick you up at six? I’ve got a car that can get us there.” He flashed a mysterious smile.

“Ok, I guess.”

We chatted like long lost friends for the rest of lunch. Maybe this life didn’t have to be so bad after all.


The hunting portion of the night was great. It seemed better with someone else. I wasn’t lonely anymore. My mom didn’t even question me when Matthew came to our door. She just shrugged and wished us a fun night. If only she knew what we were doing, maybe she wouldn’t be so carefree.

And the place Matt was talking about was nice. I started to question his sanity as we ran up the rocky ledge of the mountains near the shore by the forest. But as I got to the top of the cliff I was amazed.

The cliffs stretched for miles, jutting into the rough seas. They cut straight off into the Pacific Ocean. Some were hundreds of feet tall.

“Wow,” was all I could say as I stared into the sunset over the water. It was cloudy and overcast, but surprisingly not raining yet.

“I know. Beautiful, isn’t it?” Matt said, stepping so that he was standing by my side.

“Very. How do you know about this place?” I asked, still in total awe.

“My friend and I found it a couple years ago. I still come up here a lot, though.”

“Your friend?” I asked, curious as to who else was like us around here.

“Yeah. There was another family here, but they moved a year ago. People started getting suspicious, I guess. We used to come up here and jump off the cliffs. Total recreation, though. Nothing else.” He laughed.

I giggled a little too. “Can I try? The jumping off the cliff thing, I mean.”

“No!” He said, suddenly angry.

I gasped. “Why?” I asked, taken aback by his outburst.

“I’m sorry. It’s just…a touchy subject for me. Hasn’t anyone told you?”

“Told me what?” I squeaked, slowly backing away from him. Maybe I was like Matt, too. Maybe I could sense danger, because this situation, with an angry boy much stronger than me, all alone in a place far from civilization…

“Paige, I’m not going to hurt you. You can come back.” He said, smiling a little. I did, too. I crouched about ten feet away from where he was standing. My cheeks got hot, and I looked down.

“Matt, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even know I was scared. I mean, I wasn’t scared. It’s just that -”

“Shh.” He walked over to me and put a finger over my lips. “I shouldn’t have freaked out like that.”

“Okay. So what didn’t anyone tell me?” I said, eager to change the subject.

“It’s just that, both Hemvoras and Andronoxes have weak spots. Like, ours is the water. In the water, we’re not immortal anymore. We jumped, I guess, to feel normal.” He smiled weakly again. This information was great! I wasn’t technically immortal anymore. I could be normal again!

“Wow. And the Hemvoras?” I asked, eager to push Jeremy off a cliff or something.

“The air. They’re not as vulnerable as us. But if you got him on a plane you could kill him.” He smiled a crooked smile. “But someone might notice.” We both knew who “him” was. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who didn’t fancy Jeremy.

I smiled. “Maybe.”

We stood and stared into the sun getting lower into the horizon for a while. I didn’t want to, but I broke the silence.

“So, are we okay now? Friends?” I asked, hoping the earlier happening didn’t cause any problems.

“We were never in a fight, Paige. I just overreacted. And, yes, I think you are my friend. Am I yours?” he asked, smiling and blushing a little.

“Yeah, you’re probably my only friend right now.” I said, looking down. When I said the words, I knew it was true. I really had messed up my life since I came back to school. But Matt was a step forward. I was becoming me again. And, maybe I was rushing things, but Matthew felt like my best friend right now.

“Don’t say that. It just takes a while to get used to. And if I am, who cares? That just gives us more time to be up here.” He smiled. I did too. He was right. I reached up to hug him, and I didn’t let go. And we stayed, holding each other until the sun set.

Last edited by Vorcla; 19-09-2008 at 12:47 AM. Reason: Final edit
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Old 21-09-2008, 03:12 AM
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Re: Andronox - Part 1

Ok, first the stuff I liked:

I enjoyed the whole scene with Jeremy pulling Paige into a janitors closet ("It will be quick and painless...") and how he paralyzed her and pretended to be helping her. I also liked the idea that she was going to be an immortal teenager, forever looking like a high school student, and having to deal with hunting and fulfilling the hunger for blood, and that, as and Andronox, she needed to discover her unique power. Everything is unraveled at a fast pace and as the reader I was kept entertained and curious.

I think the weakest area of your story is your characters' emotional reactions. They don't react fluidly. It's as though they bounce back and forth between polar opposites like a ping pong ball. It is most noticeable in the hospital when her dad informs her of what she is. First she's unbelieving, then she's furious with him, and then she's smiling affectionately at his joke about the girly necklace. There are also no clear transitions in her thought process, no rationalizing, no questioning of what she has become. In this way, Paige doesn't really strike me as a person so much as a character in a story. She lacks subtle personal qualities and instead you tend to display her with a fair bit of melodrama.

The same goes for Matthew. He's so much so that good, handsome guy who is overprotective of her that it's almost sickening. I don't see him as a character of his own but merely a tool that you're using to explain to Paige "how it all works". The further into the story I got, the more I felt like I was being drug along by strings, being jerked from one scene to the next.

Then there's that whole period of time where Paige is depressed. Don't simply tell us that she went about her day sulkily for some time, but show us instances of this. Have her friends confront her, have her shy away (The mention of the phone calls was a step in the right direction) or get angry. They have no idea what she is going through. Make it show more.

Technically, your writing is OK. There were some grammar hitches here and there. I'm not too concerned with grammar. Grammar is something you can learn. You had a few descriptions that jumped out at me, like the one about having your body covered in that numbing paste they give you at the dentist's office. But other than that, the descriptions kind of fell flat. You need to show more than tell, which I'm sure you've heard before. Also, try representing entire scene transitions with asterisks or multiple spaces. It helps cue the reader that the story is jumping ahead (or behind).

Judging by your post count, you are new here, so welcome to the community and I hope you enjoy your stay.
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Old 22-09-2008, 10:42 AM
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Thumbs down Re: Andronox - Part 1

On just a superficial review of your post, I must state that it is extremely long.

Now what about...and he never had those evil eyes which now started back at me.?

You are telling this story from the first person point of view, even so I think you could have used ‘I’ less.

Even though you are keeping with the times, do you think it is appropriate to use ‘cute’ or ‘hot’ while trying to describe a face?

I think you are rushing into actions in this first chapter.

The ‘fire’ exploding through your body could be more descriptive.

Maybe say instead...It smelled edible, like baking sugar cookies at Christmas time.?

Maybe something like...I could still smell the intoxicating aroma and my thirst remained unquenchable.?

I think you are being too repetitive with ‘dad,’ you could use ‘father.’

Maybe consider...His teeth weren’t smeared/drenched with dripping blood.

You are really ‘rushing’ through with your actions; first the memory of dad then the incident at school with the vampire. And then you in the hospital while dad explains his story.

Did you mean...A war broke out between (them)...between us.?

The history of Andronoxs is too vague. Will you be going deeper into their past as the story continues?

There could be more details in the ‘hospital scene.’

For the content of your story, I was disappointed by the slowness of its introduction.

TOO RUSHED! TOO RUSHED! TOO RUSED!

I rate 1/5!
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Old 04-07-2009, 01:05 PM
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Re: Andronox - Part 1

Probably the best thing about this story is how nothing seems superficial. It's great as far as writing goes.

"Astoria High School looked the same as last year, and the year before that, and every year of forever. In such a small town, nothing really changed. The gray walls outside were still boring and chipped. The gray walls inside were no different."

Lines like that make me grow a stiffi; you learn so much about a shithole of a place in so few words. In my eyes, that's really what makes a good writer. You leave a lot to the imagination, but we aren't going to ever mistake the high school as a good place.

I'm not wild about the plot or the actual story, but that's simply me; horror and the dark stuff, it's just not really for me. It just reminds me of shit like Twilight. It's not so say it's bad, but it's just not interesting to me. So ignore what I just said.

Some of the characters are, admittedly, a little fabricated. Matthew seems a lot more like a plot devise than an actual character.

All in all, I really like this story, not for the plot, but simply for the writing style.
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Old 05-07-2009, 10:13 AM
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Re: Andronox - Part 1

Woah... This was long, but no complaints from me. Just might explain why there arent that many comments even though this is quite good. There was a bit of rushing, and the setting details were not what I was expecting for a piece this long, but the plot was good. The characters seem legit enough as well. Suggestion: For every action, have a setting description, and a resultant action.

simplified version of my writing building block, but it works. Rating... 8.7/10 Very nice!
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