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Re: Darkness
I like how this story turned out, I can still see it in my mind as I read it. I'm intrested to see what everyone thinks about it.
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Re: Darkness
Very well written.....I like your style and Im not a big story reader
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Welcome all my friend to the show that never ends...step inside....step inside |
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Re: Darkness
Very nicely written, however, (yes, there's always a "However" to any story) There were some parts of the story that sent me drifting into la la land. The parts where the sentences were started with "I think" and "really". You could have replaced them with sure-fire feelings to bring out the tension a little more
Other than that, very nicely done.
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The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear. The oldest and strongest fear is fear of the unknown. -H.P. Lovecraft |
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Re: Darkness
I thought it was excellent....very descriptive. I'm actually quite impressed with some of the talent I've witnessed on this website!
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Re: Darkness
My favorite story so far!
I easily got into the storyline and enjoyed it. |
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Re: Darkness
Just finished your story: well done, you realy should get help if these dreams keep up. however it was one of the best stories i've read in a while. thanks for sharing it.
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Re: Darkness
Awesome writing
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Re: Darkness
Very cool. I was glued to the story. A couple horror films came to mind but I can't think of which; the point is, it was that good. I really like the part about the woman being handcuffed to the bed. You were able to create a tangible suspense when she entered the dark room and you didn't let up until she left. My only complaint is that I still don't who either of the women were.
Anyways, excellent storytelling. I bet your boyfriend was pretty spooked after the dream ![]()
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What but design of darkness to appall?-- If design govern in a thing so small. |
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Re: Darkness
Very well written, the descriptive elements were excellent. Has your bf ever taken Larium? I had it a couple of years back and I've had messed up dreams ever since! Great if you're a horror writer, not so good for a decent nights kip
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Re: Darkness
Very interesting. I like the descriptions. It was very visual to me. It's sad though. Very sad.
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![]() These crazy cats are covering the town in kitty litter!! You know we're the shit.
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Re: Darkness
I like that Ambrose assumes the 1st person narrater is female... it was, in fact, male (its told from my boyfriends perspective, as he dreamed it, as he told it to me) but we almost always, as readers, identify the character with our own sex until told differently and I purposefully left it unidentified so that very thing would happen and the reader would be connected to the story in an intimate way, not as though imagining to be someone else. Also I think I meant for you to not know them really... it was like you were along for the ride for a very short amount of time, but at a very significant time in their lives. Given just enough background to understand the story but encouraged to make it up for yourself.
Laruim? I will look it up next time I need inspiration. lol. Thank you for your comment seebaruk. Thanks Syrah for once again dragging up some past... This was the first thing I ever submitted to Storiesmania, actually the reason I found SM, while looking for a place to share this story once it was written (very feverishly in 1 day; so I wouldn't forget any of the details told to me) I stumbled upon the community and never really left ever again. Thank you for your comment as well, and I am glad it touched you in some way... this story is really a very emotional one, and even though as I read it now I see a million things I want to change (it being written before any real development as a writer occured) I wouldn't actually change anything about it, it holds a special place in my darkest of black souls. Thanks all. ~DK
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Re: Darkness
Very well written! I couldn't stop reading to the end.
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Re: Darkness
That is a well developed and written story. It has the feel of being resculpted countless times. The detail is vivid and haunting. The whole story sets a mood, but I can't quite place my finger on exactly what it is that does it. I will agree with fox. Don't be afraid to go to extremes with your words. This is a very strong piece they will fit better.
Good work, excellent read. Last edited by Razor; 01-05-2007 at 11:15 AM. |
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Re: Darkness
The descriptions of the story were the most vivid and fleshed out. Every sentence I read was filled with description about something and helped to heighten the story for me. Description and narration tied in well together and was by far this story's strength. I enjoyed it immensely.
At times, however, the intricate description got a little overwhelming and interrupted the progression of the story. Though the circumstances of the story were unique, (using the candle as symbology of her internal flame,) but the setting was rather stock and perhaps a little cliche. My personal opinion on that is this will always be one of the pit falls in horror writing, especially short story. We always want to put our story in a 'spooky' place to heighten the action, but in the end: is it necessary to do so? I also understand that the setting is usually representative of the characters within, but a decayed house to convey a decayed character has been seen before. Overall: I love the commentary on letting our past take us over. It is so hard for some, especially those with the toughest pasts, to grip with what has happened and make a change for a better future.
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"You may know what you need, but to get what you want, see that you keep what you already have." Last edited by Alaunus1221; 16-08-2007 at 05:38 AM. |
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Re: Darkness
Quote:
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My fathers last words to me on a video tape he made for when i turned 16. This was also the first thing i had ever done with photoshop.
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Re: Darkness
Holy shit...
That was all I could really gather in my brain after reading this story. I wasn't into it right away, but by the third paragraph or so, it caught my interest. I loved the imagery and how descriptive the details were. Was the narrarator her boyfriend? Or just a friend? Whichever, I felt bad for him. It was almost as if he watched his friend or girlfriend die right in front of his eyes and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it except cry and ask the creature to stop. I put myself in his position and I made it so that I was there watching a girl that I loved do this to herself. It overwhelmed me. I feel bad for your boyfriend, haha. Anyway, great story.
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with my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in i feel it move across my skin i'm reaching up and reaching out i'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me |
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Re: Darkness
Well done. Very descriptive. I really didn't notice it dragging anywhere. When "she" opens her mouth and says, "She's not in here anymore," I had a very cinematic image in my mind (and I almost wet my pants!). Chilling. This would make a very nice segment of a horror anthology film.
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Re: Darkness
It was a brilliant read, loved the description, however at one point i felt it got a bit too excessive (i think the point where she is lighting the candle) although you then 'reigned it in' so to speak, so nothing too major. Here are a few points that made me stop reading and i had to think about them:
"...and they seemed to see without really seeing anything." - Probably just me being me, but I didn't think this really worked. I know it's hard to describe that kind of vacant look in a different way, but the repetition here didn't really work for me and kind of stood out a bit. "It was the only light in the room but at the same time it seemed to do no more then cast enough light to see the flame itself." - **than** "I felt like it was eating at my skin, or maybe my very life" - the second description just felt a bit 'extreme' compared to the rest of the piece so far. It feels like a strong jump from the darkness "eating at my skin" (which i loved by the way) to it actually being life threatening. You could probably leave the second half of the sentence out. I think the way you described the candle as seeming "to do no more then cast enough light to see the flame itself." was brilliant and really adds to that unnaturalness. It just connotes so much. This sentence was the one that really hit off the tension for me; short, sweet, and chilling! "Once this candle goes out," she whispered, but loudly enough that I heard clearly what she was saying, "I could be anyone, or anything inside me." With that said the candle began to flicker as if on cue. Very inspiring. "I turned back to her, trying to ignore the eerie feeling of the thing behind me; trying to beat down the childish fears that were rising within me" - The childish fears bit is brilliant, something everyone relates to and i think it is actually that feeling you get when you try to brush off something scary. I don't think you need to repeat "me" again at the end of the sentence; it feels a bit repetitive and i thought sounds better without. You could even slightly alter it of course, but the extra "me" sounds unnecessary. Loved it overall, but i still think, as with any piece, there is room to make it exceptional, possibly directing your description towards the 'chill factor' (sorry for this vagueness!) It's definitely a piece worth pursuing 'perfection' for though. Great stuff, keep writing.
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"We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely." - Wilde
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