[ea_blue]

Synopsis: A young, obnoxious thief gets a tip on an easy score. When he makes his move, things start to go strange...

"You old guys never got it down to a science like we do now," I said to the old codger. Maybe that was disrespectful. But I didn't care. I was a rising star in the world of thieves; ranked number 229 on thiefspecs.net. So it didn't matter when it turned out he was the legendary thief, "Velvet Touch" Pinchon. He'd dropped out of the rankings altogether years ago. The guy wore rags and didn't take care of his skin. What could he do or say that would matter to me?

"You young punks think you got it all figured out, don'tcha?" he muttered around his drink. Smoke wafted by him from somebody smoking wiffer somewhere in the bar. Most of the place was noisy, but I had found him in this quiet corner scoping the place out. So we started talking.

"Well I know that I do." I stood up and gestured to my clothes. "Look at the image of success, pops. Silk shirt, Apomadopoulis suit, neo-shark shoes. All expensive. All stylish. All bought with success and a firm understanding of the latest techniques. Now let's see, you got caught, what...four times?"

"Three. I was aquitted for that gig in Alpha Centauri. And I didn't know she was only fourteen!" He ran his fingers through his graying hair and adjusted his glasses.

"That's classic, Velvet. Just classic. But you still got caught. Let me give you a tip."

"Oh so you're a smartguy, huh? Some kinda super-thief or somethin'? Now you're gonna start teachin' me my business now, eh?"

"Hey! Number 229, baby! You're talking to 'Fast Fingers' McCray, here."

"Well if you're so smart, then tell me what you know about Enteris."

"Nope. Doesn't ring a bell."

That's when he started talking to me about a freshly colonized planet named Arigen. Enteris was its capital city. The place had the highest incidence of unsolved crime of any city in the whole quadrant. He gave me all the details he'd learned from another guy before him.

It seemed too good to be true. So I looked it up on thiefspecs.net. For those of you still new to the trade, that's where any thief worthy of the name goes to get info on an upcoming job. Everything Velvet Touch told me was true. They actually didn't employ cops of any kind! They didn't check for weapons when you arrived there and they never attempted a background scan either. Word was, the place was a great spot for the up-and-coming crook to cut his teeth on a decent score. Thiefspecs.net even gave it a low value for Outcome Outside of ParameterS (OOPS) index. That's very very good for thieves.

So I got passage to Arigen as a crewmember (with falsified credentials) and blackmailed the chief engineer to keep it quiet. Apparently, his wife didn't know how much he 'really loved' robots. On the way there I spent my free time fleecing the crew out of most of their salary at poker. I made sure to supply a lot of booze so the time went by with lots of laughs. When they didn't have enough money to go on liberty, I offered them loans at a measly 36% percent interest, compounded daily. Sometimes I'm just too nice. It was a great trip and we all had fun. They had tears in their eyes when I left the ship at the Arigen Dock.

When I checked into a cheap hotel on Market Street in Enteris, I already had a target in mind; the First Ever Eclectic Bank and Loan of Enteris (FEEBLE). It seemed like the easiest and best target. I cased the place for a few days. Easy, lightly traveled ingress and egress routes ran from the bank to transportation hubs. Just enough people populated the area to allow for getting lost in the crowd and few enough to allow for an unobstructed escape. I also confirmed that there were no cops anywhere. Amazing! I checked the papers, even back issues, for news about crime. Crimes certainly did occur but there was almost nothing about anyone being caught. Incredible! The place was perfect.

So on the third day, I walked into the streets of Enteris with my disguise expertly applied. I could rip the demi-mask off in a moment, so I could become somebody else just that fast if I needed to. I walked around one of the floating City Interface spheres that swarmed around the city at all times. The floating, softball-sized things were annoying. I checked on them beforehand. They were used to provide help from city services like where to park or something. Lots of them floated around everywhere; always ready to help. They weren't armed; that's all I cared about.

I was armed, and It felt good to find a city were I could safely walk around with automatics in my small black satchel. I waltzed into FEEBLE with the bag and feeling completely confident in the OOPS rating of the place. How could it be wrong? I mean the bank didn't even have metal detectors to check for weapons at the entrance! Only three patrons populated the place in the early morning hour like I had planned. Just enough to use as hostages if need be and few enough to be easy to manage.

I didn't even need to worry about security guards. Ha! This was going to be a cakewalk. Smiling easily and calmly and walked up to the cashier closest to the door.

"How may I help you today, sir?" asked the very slender, clean cut man.

Still smiling, I placed my flechette gun flat on the counter. I remained calm and casual, confident that the gun would say it all very clearly.

"Say! Isn't that a Waltz & Phitz WP-90?" said the clerk excitedly. "Nice action on those. But they're really old news. I didn't realize anyone still used those antiques. Personally, I go for the Harmington HLA-8 with the electronic sights."

Stunned, I stared at the clerk blankly. "Look, that's nice all very nice. But let's get down to business, shall we?"

"Certainly, sir." The clerk cleared his throat and looked uncomfortable. That was the reaction I was looking for! But then he said, "Will you be depositing this to preserve it for your antique collection?"

"No, you idiot!" I hissed. I placed my satchel on the counter. "I...am...robbing...you. Now put everything you have in that drawer in this bag!"

"Oh! That's different. I'm sorry, but I'm not cleared to handle robberies at this counter," said the clerk, beaming. He pointed. "That's counter number seven just down there."

I looked where he pointed and sure enough, there was counter down the aisle with a sign above it reading, "Robberies." I was too stunned to respond and was still looking when bulletproof glass slid down and trapped my hand and gun to the counter. Shocked, I tried to pull my hand free but it was stuck! Then the glass slid up an inch or two. I yanked my hand and gun away.

"Watch your hands, please, sir," said the clerk. He pointed to the 'Robberies' counter and smiled encouragingly. "Just down there sir." The glass guard slid back down again.

Feeling slightly queasy, I walked down to the Robberies counter. A pudgy, balding man with sausage-like fingers and anachronistic suspenders sat at the counter and looked me up and down. He glanced disdainfully at my pistol. His mouth scrunched up reproachfully and he said in bland tone, "Robbery today, sir?"

"Excuse me?"

"I expect the gentleman is not from here, yes?" My dropped jaw must have provided the answer. "Yes, of course, sir." He handed a datapad to me. "Please fill out these forms, sir, and I'll be right with you." He stood up to leave.

I finally got my wits about me. I pointed my 5mm flechette pistol, easily capable of pulping a 7cm tunnel through flesh and bone, directly at his head. "Cut the bullshit, asshole," I grated through my teeth. "You play this game right, and you do right now, or Momma's gonna bury her baby boy!"

The clerk looked at me with drooping eyelids, demonstrating all the fear and shock of a retarded cow chewing its cud. That is to say...no fear at all. What the hell was wrong with these people? He said, "An impressive display of bravado, sir. But your Guild membership is the only credential you'll be needing today. No performances are necessary."

"Guild? What Guild?"

At last the clerk responded appropriately. His eyes bulged out. "You are not in the Guild?" he squeaked.

My confidence soared. Now I had his attention! "That's right, buddy! I'm a dangerous man. And you don't..." The bulletproof glass on all the counters suddenly slid down and banged loudly onto the counter tops. My guts turned to water.

*** To Be Continued in Part 2 ***

[Jimbalaya]

Aww, man! It was gettin' good! This is pretty funny ea. I especially like the way you describe their facial expressions. It significantly adds to the laugh factor. why am I envisioning Disney's Goofy as the MC? Are the characters human or something else? I can't wait for part two, this was great!

[Gurdit]

Well I know that 'I' do.

Why not just make it bold?

Enteris was it's capital city.

its?

First Ever Eclectic Bank and Loan of Enteris (FEEBLE)

Ooo Nice!

His eyes bugged out.

bulged?

----

So far, you've got my attention. What a dastardly plot to end this part right here! And I love the ending "My guts turned to water". The only problem is that it's quite ambigious. Your guts could turn to water for help? (Ok, I know I'm not really making sense, but your story is quite unrealistic anyway, and anything goes )

[ea_blue]

Thanks fellas!

And thanks for the catches, Tidru. But, it looks like my penchant for colloquialisms is biting me in the butt. *whoops - there's another* Eyes 'bugged out' is actually a common colloquialism but then it may be only common in the mid-west. So, for the sake of universality, I changed it to 'bulged out'.

'My guts turned to water' is yet another colloquialism, but common to all the US. It doesn't literally mean that. It's just an expression of extreme fear. A similar one is, when speaking to woman: "Looks like you have a biscuit in the oven." It's possible she might, but it really means, "It looks like you are pregnant." Amusing, yes? But I doubt if everyone is familiar with that.

Thanks for reading guys and thanks much for the comments!

Cheers!

ea_blue

[Aleox]

Going to read part 2 now. It's good. Review there. Yeah.

[Gurdit]

Looks like you have a biscuit in the oven

I thought it was a bun?

[ea_blue]

Thanks Aleox! Glad you are enjoying it. Thanks for the review in part 2!

Seems you've heard that one, Gurdit, hehehe. That's just a different variation. They change a bit as you move around the country. Another point for avoiding colloquialisms!

Cheers!

[subash]

looked where he pointed and sure enough, there was (insert "a") counter down the aisle with a sign above it reading, "Robberies." I was too stunned to respond and was still looking when bulletproof glass slid down and trapped my hand and gun to the counter. Shocked, I tried to pull my hand free but it was stuck! Then the glass slid up an inch or two. I yanked my hand and gun away.

Otherwise a really well-written story.

[Gurdit]

Another point for avoiding colloquialisms!

Why avoid them? I think they bring some fresh language in! Do use them... we'll figure out what they means. Colloqualisms (if that is how they are spelt) and (possibly) region-specific phrases and idioms can be quite fun to learn!

[ea_blue]

Hmmm, I suppose it's all in how you use them. I prefer to maintain clarity in the story as much as possible. If an idiom or colloquialism fosters more confusion than environment then I would prefer to leave it out. I guess it should be placed in a manner that makes it clear even if a person is unfamiliar with it.

[Achele]

ea, great story.

I really admire people who can write light hearted stories like this. Keep it up!

I enjoyed your colloquialisms, so please don't error on the side of caughtion if you want to put one in. I enjoy regional language and if I don't know what it is I will just ask the writer (or google it).

[Vorcla]

Had me in stitches as usual, Eric. You're so droll; that's what makes it so funny!

[ea_blue]

Cool Dude. I just hope none of your stitches came out...ba dum bum...

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by ea_blue

Cool Dude. I just hope none of your stitches came out...ba dum bum...

(GROAN!!)

[Omkar]

Now that is definitely worth it: I'm reading Part-II, like, now!

demonstrating all the fear and shock of a retarded cow chewing its cud.

I'm rolling!