[Jimbalaya]

Synopsis: A book-buying trip to Salt Lake City turns sickening. The author bears witness to the actions of a beautiful and foul comuter.

You all know the case of Lizzie Borden, right? You know "Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." That Lizzie Borden?

That is the one I'm talking about. Well, this story has nothing at all to do with that story. Just so you know.

No, this story is about Lizzie Booger. Be warned, this story is not for the weak of stomach. There may be blood involved. There may be sweat involved. There most definitely will be snot involved.

Now, if you know me well, you know that I can handle just about any nasty thing on the planet. I don't have a weak stomach. I'm an EMT for cryin' out loud. I've seen blood, shit, vomit, exposed bones, pumping arteries, amputations, burns, frozen parts and just about everything in between. It doesn't faze me. I can take it, Hooaah! However, the one thing that gets to me, my weak link, my kryptonite, is snot. I'm gagging already just thinking about this story.

Just to let you know how bad it really is: I was using a computer in the office at work, and my co-worker who shall remain nameless (Slappy McNuticus), who knows about my snot weakness, wiped a booger on the computer screen I was working on. It wasn't one of those little wet streaks either, no, this one actually crawled down the screen aiming for my shaking hands on the keyboard. I blew chunks. End of story. Believe me when I tell you that there is nothing as gross as snot, nothing. I get the pre-gags just thinking about blowing my own nose, and it is MINE.

When my twin cousins were about three, I remember my dad making them laugh so hard that giant snot bubbles inflated from their nostrils, exploded into tiny boogery figures perched on their upper lips and began to sing "Man of Constant Sorrow" by the Soggy Bottom Boys. I ran from the room praying to God to let me keep my lunch. God was not listening.

Do you understand now just how bad it is?

Good.


A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

Ok, it was Salt Lake City. I forget what I went to the city for now, probably because the memory of that horrid day will remain fresh in my mind for eternity. I can't really say "day" though it was more like a fragment of a day, an incident. This one incident obliterated the rest of the memory of that day and left its imprint on my memory like a brand on the ass cheek of a cow.

I can't recall what I went to Salt Lake for, probably to buy some books from Media Play. I do recall pulling out of a parking lot onto a main drag and waiting at a light to get on the freeway to come home. Mine was the first car in my lane because the light had just turned red. This particular light is, in my opinion, one of the longest stops you have to make in Salt Lake City. It’s horrible to be caught at it because you seem to be sitting there for hours waiting for it to turn green again.

I braked to a stop and checked my mirrors and to my surprise, an incredibly beautiful woman had pulled up behind me. She was flat-out stunning. I sat there and looked at her and thoughts of her dancing naked fluttered through my mind. She looked like a fairy. I'm telling you, she was Tinkerbell in the flesh, except she wasn't blonde…or a cartoon. She had light brown, shoulder length hair from what I could see in my mirror, and she KNEW she looked good. She knew like a football player who has just won the MVP for the season knows that he is good. You just have to say "That little sombitch KNOWS he's good."

She sat there, looking off to nowhere with a small smile across her lips. I was positive she was picturing me dancing naked.

I looked out the windshield and up to check the status of the light, (wait for the sarcasm). To my incredible surprise, it was still red. Awesome! I could stare at the pretty lady a little longer.

I looked into the rearview mirror again to ogle her and that's when it happened. My eyes locked down on the mirror and I was helpless to look away. My guts rolled into a tiny ball and a fine sheen of sweat made its debut on my forehead. There, directly behind me, the Goddess Tinkerbell had her index finger of her left hand buried to the second knuckle in her nose.

ACK!

I couldn’t look away. God help me, I couldn’t. It was the single most disturbing and disgusting thing I think I had ever witnessed and I couldn’t look away. As I watched, transfixed, she actually tried to push her finger in further. The force she was using actually tipped her head back a little. It was like she was trying to flip a switch in her brain. I was certain that she must have had an itch in the center of her head that she was dying to scratch and would gladly kill herself to get to it.

Time slowed down to a crawl as the acid in my guts started to party. I kept wondering if she was after something in there: Say, the Goodyear Blimp possibly? As I watched, she started seriously mining, really getting into it. I thought to myself that she could probably use a stick of dynamite to blast through the obvious build-up. I thought as well, that it was amazing that someone so beautiful could be so vulgar.

A horn blew and I jumped a little and looked quickly at the light. It had changed to green finally, but I slowly looked back into the rearview and saw Tinkerbell pull an Incredible Hulk sized hunk of chunk out of her nose. I swear to God this thing probably had a brain of its own. This booger could have possibly picked a booger from its OWN nose. You could have sat and had an intelligent conversation with this thing. It was huge, I say!

Before I could roll down my window and yell a warning, she had rolled down her window and flicked the booger out. At the unfortunate receiving end of said flicked booger was a skinny white kid on a bullet bike. He didn't see it coming. He had no chance at all. Last I heard, he was in a persistent vegetative state at a nursing home.

Immediately following the flick and subsequent ruination of the skinny white boy, lunch decided to make its appearance in front of God and everybody. I threw open my door and let it fly. It could not be helped. I could only imagine what Tinkerbell thought of that. It was a little ironic that at that moment in time I came up with a great bumper sticker slogan: "If you flick a booger on my windshield, I'll puke on yours." I gotta get someone to make me one of those.

After I had quit retching in the middle of the street, I closed my door and put the pedal to the metal. I wasted no time in getting home. Thirty-five miles is a long way when you are constantly gagging. When I did get home, I brushed my teeth and took a nap. Urking really sucks the energy from you.

Numerous times since this happened to me, the memory of it pops into my mind for no apparent reason and my guts flop over. So if we are ever chillin' together and I get a funny look on my face and go a little pale, be warned, imminent pukage may be nigh.

[Venomous Vixen]

Just to let you know just how bad it is:

the second "just" seems unnecessary.

I was working on a computer at work and my co-worker who shall remain nameless (Slappy McNuticus), who knows about my snot weakness, wiped a booger on the computer screen I was working on.

The triple "work" seems a bit much, maybe... I was using a computer at the office when my co-worker, who shall remain nameless (Slappy McNuticus), who knows of my snot weakness, wiped a booger across the monitor I was sitting at... (or something like that, spice it up!)

I was the first car in my lane because it had just turned red. This particular light is, in my opinion, one of the longest stops you have to make in Salt Lake City. It’s horrible to have to stop at it because you seem to be sitting there for hours waiting for it to turn green.

Maybe replace one with "stuck" or something?

(OK halfway through, will finish the rest during lunch)

[Jimbalaya]

Ok, I edited the suggested part. Funny how you never really notice the obvious things (well, me anyway). I also added a bit here and there and went thorough it again. Hopefully it will be a little easier on you.

[Venomous Vixen]

Besides a few touch ups grammatically to spruce up the story a bit I thoroughly enjoyed this. It had me wincing and laughing. I, myself, am not so terrified of a few boogers but you made it quite apparent you were in a most comical way. Great read!

[Jimbalaya]

Thanks Bri! Yeah, I can't handle them. My kids learned very early on how to blow their own noses. I can do it if I must, but I pay for it.

[ea_blue]

Hahaha! I really enjoyed this one. I am not so offended by boogers either, but you very firmly established the booger-phobia of the MC (or is this a personal story?).

I like the irreverent approach of the story...remember, Lizzy Borden - well this isn't her. hehehe I like that style. And later when you wrote:

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

Ok, it was Salt Lake City.

That definitely made me chuckle. It established a mood for the story that made me settle into it comfortably.

I don't care for the very large spacing in the middle of it. It made think this was going to be a joke or some shaggy-dog story. Just my opinion.

I loved your description of the booger. This was only part of it:

This booger could have possibly picked a booger from its OWN nose

haha! This whole paragraph had me laughing. I really enjoyed it.

I had a lot of fun with this one. The voice was pretty consistent throughout. You established your character very well and that made his experience all that much funnier. This was well thought out.

This is more of an anecdote than a story, but still very well written. Great work!

ea_blue

[Jimbalaya]

Thanks very much ea! It is kind of a dramatized personal account. Still, the city is a creepy place. No offense to any slickers out there.

Turns out that I didn't much like the space in the middle either, so I took it out.

Right you are, ea. This is more of and anecdote. I hadn't really thought about it until you mentioned it. Albeit embellished a little, it's still so close to the truth that it makes me ill.

[Aleox]

haha, since it is a personal account, that makes it all the better. snot doesn't really get to me at all. In fact, if you happen to look in your rear-view mirror someday and see me...well I hope you can control yourself, hahaha. Your voice and character shone through the piece, and the description was great throughout. Especially the parts about the boogers, those slimy suckers. Good stuff, anecdote or not.

[Jimbalaya]

Thanks Aleox. If that's the case, I hope we never run into each other. It's strange, I can handle everything else, just not snot. *gag* Thanks for the great comment. If you laughed, then my work here is done.

[joshuaw1]

I also enjoyed the lightness of this one and the mark the author left on her piece. all of the criticisms about choosing words kindly have been said, and i liked how the imagery took us through the whole time. i'd like to see something darker of yours

[Jimbalaya]

Hey josh, thanks for commenting. I'm glad you liked it. It just so happens that I'm working on a story for the Topic of the Month and that is somewhat dark. Maybe not so much dark, as sad. I don't know, it's up to the reader to decide I suppose. I just throw it out there. I hope you look for it and I look forward to your ideas on it. Thanks again.

[niamhoneill]

Hi,

I liked this story in all, but I felt that the bit at the beginning where you explained how much you hate snot was unnecessary. The story didn't really need that, you can take it for granted that noone likes it!

Also, I would have liked some indication further on as to whether you were a male or female.

I was eating a sandwich reading this story and it made me feel sick and want to stop eating!!!

[Jimbalaya]

Originally Posted by niamhoneill

I was eating a sandwich reading this story and it made me feel sick and want to stop eating!!!

Then my work here is done. I'm glad you liked it. I am a male by the way.

Also, it's true maybe most people don't like snot, but I feel it was important to the story to realize my extreme phobia of the slimy, nasty stuff.

Thanks for commenting!

[subash]

I can't help pointing out a few things in this piece although I don't have the stomach to go into details here. Sort of reminds me of that scene in "Man on the Moon" when Jim Carrey/Andy Kaufman sticks fake snot onto his upper lip right under his nostril while lunching with Danny Devito and the poor guy is torn between being disgusted and trying to point out to this guy that he has snot on his upper lip. Then Carrey actually moves the snot to the other nostril and causes greater confusion. You should see that movie especially that scene.

It wasn't one of those little wet streaks either, no, this one actually crawled down the screen aming aiming for my shaking hands on the keyboard.


A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…(.)

I sat there and looked at her and thoughts of her dancing naked flutter fluttered through my mind.

She had light brown, shoulder(-)length hair from what I could see in my mirror, and she KNEW she looked good. She knew like a football player who has just one won the MVP for the season knows that he is good.


I looked out the windshield and up to check the status of the light , (omit)(wait for the sarcasm).


Numerous times since this happened to me (Although a long time ago), the memory of it pops into my mind for no apparent reason and my guts flop over.

[Jimbalaya]

I think I did watch that movie one time, but I got bored with it very early on. I'm a huge fan of Carrey movies, but that one didn't do it for me.

Thanks for the edits, subash. I'll get right on them.

[Achele]

[quote]I was certain that she must have had an itch in the center of her head that she was dying to scratch and would gladly kill herself to get to it.[quote]

lol, priceless.

[Jimbalaya]

Thanks, Achele!