[niamhoneill]

Synopsis: An unbalanced, ambitious woman sets her sights on a rich, simple bachelor, and will do whatever it takes to marry him and get his money.


Dan didn’t notice that he had been followed to the airport. Sally had been on his tail now for over an hour. She had been ducking and diving skillfully in and out of crowds, hiding behind pillars, and a couple of times she had even shimmied along her belly so as not to be seen. At one point, she had followed him into the men’s toilets, where she crouched inconspicuously in the adjacent cubicle and beamed madly as she listened to him urinate. Ever since she had read about “Ireland's most eligible bachelor” in the magazine at her psychiatrist’s waiting room, she knew that she had to have this man.

The article had described him as “A 28 year old Virgo with a cute smile who has a talent for being flexible and talking to dogs”. Most importantly, however, the magazine had stated that Dan belonged to the Quinn family, owners of Ireland's most lucrative supermarket business with stores all over the country and promising "freshness and value second to none." Sally understood that Dan, as an only child, stood to inherit millions. Pound signs ticked over in her head as she imagined that, with Dan’s money, she could live the lavish lifestyle she had always wanted. She needed to make him marry her. She knew from past experience that tying to woo him in the conventional way wouldn’t work. Men had always told her that she came on too aggressively and that she frightened them. She had lost count of the number of them who had resorted to restraining orders to keep her at bay. She had heard that one man even had plastic surgery so she couldn’t recognize him anymore. To make Dan hers and get her hands on his fortune, she would most likely have to trap him and possibly use force, which she was more than willing and capable of doing.

Dan fiddled anxiously with his knap sack as he sat in the departure lounge, sweat beads forming on his brow. Airport had always made him uneasy even though he had never actually made it onto a flight, because he kept missing them. He had a terrible sense of direction and found the long tunnels at the airport very confusing and nerve-wracking. He had lost count of the times he had found himself in the queue to Bolivia or Romania when he should have been getting on a flight to London, or the occasions he had gotten on the wrong bus after work and had to walk to the local police station to ask for directions home. His jaw was stiff and his mouth dry with tension over the journey ahead, so he decided to get a coke from the café beside his terminal. He stood and fell over immediately, realizing that he had managed to tie his shoelaces together again.

Sally sat in the airport café sipping on a frothy cappuccino and gazed with a watchful eye in his direction. Dan had his back turned to her at the adjacent table. She began to fantasise about the life she could have if only she could make him marry her. She envisioned the mansion she was certain they would have. It would have a hundred rooms; everything would be gold plated, even the toilet brush. She closed her eyes for a moment and imagined herself riding a palomino pony around their paddock. She saw herself wearing flowing designer robes, her heavily botoxed face expressionless and youthful, her blonde extensions catching the light as Faberge eggs spilled out of her pockets.

A nearby customer dropped a cup, which suddenly snapped her back to reality and to the task at hand. She moved towards Dan and tapped on his right shoulder with her index finger. As he turned his head in that direction, Sally leaned over his left and slipped the red powder into his coke. Finding no one behind him, Dan turned back around and gulped down the bubbly sugary drink as Sally backed away, grinning, and kept her eyes upon him.

From his seat in the café, Dan could see the airplanes taking off and landing. He wondered if the cabin crew aged slower than everyone else because of time differences, and all the traveling they had to do. He wanted to know if they ever had to sleep, and if they had more than one birthday a year. Suddenly he began to feel a little bit nauseous and dizzy; the planes he had been watching had become slightly blurred and difficult to focus on. Sally sat back, watching him begin to wobble, and waited for her plan to hatch.

Some hours later, Sally was crouched behind a bush, munching on the white chocolate muffin that she bought from the nearby Starbucks. A sharp pain shot through her as a thorn scraped her brow, and a little blood spilled out, “That will add to the credibility of it all,” she thought. Her back ached from dragging a limp Dan all the way from the car to the beach, and she contemplated getting a massage tomorrow to ease it.

Through the small thorny opening in the bush, she watched an unconscious Dan finally begin to stir. He slowly opened his eyes, the sudden bolt of brilliant light an acute shock. He squeezed them shut again.

'Where am I?' he thought, as he raised his hand to his throbbing head, 'I was at the airport; I’m not there now.' He sat up and with strained eyes looked around him. He realized that he was on a beach and that he appeared to be alone. He remembered that he had been at the airport, but he didn’t recall getting on a plane. There must have been an accident, he thought. 'I must have fallen out of the plane and lost my memory.'

Dan stood up; his leg was sore, as if someone has been kicking it. 'I guess that happened in the accident,' he thought. He took in his surroundings. It was early morning; the sun had come out and cast its reflection over the vast deep blue ocean. Everything was silent except for the sound of the waves lapping against the shore. He looked around, the beach was small, maybe half a mile long and there was no one else in sight. “Hello, hello," he yelled loudly in no particular direction. “Anyone there?” Sally began to worry that someone might hear him shouting for help; it was a local beach, after all, and the height of summer, so she put her muffin to one side and ran towards him.

“Oh, my God, I’m so glad I’m not alone!" she panted convincingly as she reached a disheveled looking Dan and added a gasp for effect.

“Were you on the plane, too?” he asked, a confused look spreading across his face.

“Yeah, we crashed; I think you and I were flung out. I’ve looked for other survivors but can’t find any. We are all alone here”.

“Wow, do you think we’re on a dessert island?”

“Desert,” Sally corrected him, temporarily distracted by thoughts of being draped in extravagant jewelry. “Yes, I think we are”.

“I’ve hurt my leg,” he told her as he bent down to rub a small patch of skin above his right knee. “It tingles a bit”.

“Emm, good job - I’m a doctor," Sally said as she bent down to examine the leg. She put pressure on various points, pretending she knew what she was doing and asked him to tell her where it hurts.

“Just a little bit when you press there," he told her, wincing slightly, “but not bad”.

“Oh, its definitely broken; it needs to be supported. I’ll go find something we can use." She disappeared off in the direction of a nearby tree and picked up a broken branch from the ground. It was huge, maybe four feet long, and very thick. She lugged it back toward Dan and strapped it to his right leg using the bits of rope she had tied him up with earlier to attach it. She was surprised that he never thought to question where the clean white rope came from. The branch was longer then the length of Dan’s whole leg and he could only move around by dragging it behind him, putting all his body weight on his good leg and hoping on it while leaning forward. It kept getting stuck in the sand and making him fall over. 'That will keep him out of action for a while,' Sally thought. 'He won't get away until he asks me to marry him”.

“So, what’s your name?" asked Dan as he fell backwards onto the sand with his splinted leg stretched out in front of him.

“Sally. I’m from Canada."

“Wow, I’ve never met a Cannodonian before”, he told her, childlike wonder in his voice. “What country do you think we’re in now, maybe Paris?”

“Yeah, maybe,” she replied as she cast her eyes to the heavens.

Evening arrived, and Sally was beginning to feel peckish. She quite fancied a bacon sandwich, so told Dan that she was going to look for food, and that she would try to bring back some berries or leaves for them to munch on. She instructed him not to move his leg and assured him that she would be back soon. She headed towards her car, which was well hidden behind some trees. Before getting in she ensured that the rope she had placed around this area of beach to keep people away was intact and that the ‘danger - unsafe swimming’ sign she erected was still there. She released the hand brake silently rolled away before starting up the engine a few metres down the road.

Dan sat alone on the beach and listened to the waves crashing on the shore. The sun was setting and it was getting colder, the air more damp. He tried to recall the accident, but the last thing he could remember was drinking a coke at the airport. He was getting really hungry, and hoped that Sally wouldn't be too much longer with the berries. He decided to start building a fire and dragged himself around the beach by shimmying on his backside to look for sticks. One by one, he piled whatever he could into a heap, which after a few hours was quite a lot. He thought it a little bizarre that on a remote desert island like this that he had come across plastic bags, tyres and even a shopping trolley dumped or washed up on the shore. 'Maybe these are from the plane, too,' he thought, confused. He shivered with the cold, exhausted, and rested beside the mound of sticks.

Two miles away, Sally took a large bite out of the crispy bacon sandwich she had ordered. Some warm butter spilled out onto her chin, which she wiped away with a newly manicured finger paid for with Dan’s stolen credit card. She sighed and realized that she had better get back to him. He had already started to get on her nerves. She had never considered that he would be so irritating; she may have to dispose of him once they married; then the life insurance policies would kick in. 'Yes, that’s a good plan,' she thought. Before going back to the beach she popped into Tesco's, where there was a special "2 for 1" offer on blueberries. She bought two packets, which she opened and spilled into her pockets for the “just picked” effect.

Sally approached the beach and saw Dan rubbing sticks together as though tying to light a fire. In a panic, she raced towards him. “What are you doing?” she asked a red faced Dan, who was lying beside a pile of sticks and furiously chafing two of them together. “I can light a fire, I used to be a boy scout”, he excitedly told a fraught looking Sally, who made sure that the lighter in her pocket was out of view. 'I can’t let him light it,' she thought. 'Someone will see the smoke and come running.' “Dan, why don’t you try to find some coconuts; they would go great with the berries." Dan, distracted by his new task crawled off slowly in the direction of some nearby trees, his four-foot branch dragging behind him and gathering a mound of sand as he went. As soon as he was out of sight, Sally threw water onto the pile of sticks. When he returned some minutes later, empty handed except for a punctured football, she told him that there had been a tropical rainstorm almost exactly over the pile when he was gone and that it would be impossible now to light the fire. Dan didn’t question this but instead thought how lucky Sally was not to get wet, as she must have been right beside the rain cloud. Amazing!

Sally’s patience was wearing thin. She had tried to work her charm on Dan, but nothing seemed to be getting through to him. She had pulled out all the stops and given him some of her best chat up lines, such as “Is your father a terrorist? Cos you’re the bomb," but even that seemed to fall on deaf ears. She put her hand on his leg and commented on its firmness, but he shimmied away from her, creating distance. She could see he was getting a bit afraid of her; she knew that look, she had seen it so many times before. Uneasiness was stage one; pure terror was stage two. She didn’t have much time left. She tried to tone her advances down a bit, but she became aware that she had been trying so hard that her face was straining and veins were popping out of her neck.

Trying to impress him was getting harder and harder for her, as Dan was getting on her nerves. She was beginning to hate the way he spat when he pronounced certain words, and his hyena-like laugh was driving her crazy. She needed some time alone, time away from him, so she told him she was going to hunt for fish. She actually went to the local launderette to pick up the load she left in a couple of days ago. She was amazed that Dan had never seemed to notice how she was in clean clothes everyday while he was in the same pair of sweaty jeans for days.

She stopped to admire the red Ferrari outside the launderette. 'I deserve the likes of this,' she thought as she ran her fingers up its scarlet body. She bundled her clothes into the washer and inserted the coins. She noticed with interest the man at the counter, who seemed to be causing quite a scene. He was instructing the elderly woman who worked there to be extra careful with his suit as it was designer and according to him was worth more than she would earn in a year. Sally’s heart leapt as she realized that this man must have owned that hot Ferrari outside. She sauntered over to him and leaned over to show off her cleavage as she asked him “Is heaven missing an angel?” He was impressed by her bosom and liked this forthcoming attitude. They left the launderette together hand in hand and sped off in the Ferrari.

Some weeks later, Sally pulled up outside the launderette in what was now her Ferrari to pick up some clothes. She and Jose had been married. He had proposed soon after they met, saying he had never met a woman so sure of what she wanted, which was a quality he respected. Unfortunately, tragedy had struck just a week into the marriage, and the Palimeno pony he had bought for Sally as a wedding present had trampled on him and killed him. The authorities suspected foul play, but nothing came of it, and Sally had played the part of the grieving widow well.

As she cruised along in her Ferrari, Sally passed a familiar spot; it was the beach where she had captured Dan all that time ago. She glanced over and for a moment through a small opening in a bush she thought she saw a glimpse of a figure that resembled a heavily bearded Dan building a raft, with that ridiculously large branch still attached to his leg. 'Surely not,' she thought, 'He can’t still be there!'

She continued driving with a grin on her face and the wind blowing through her blonde extensions.

[McCoy]

I found the overall idea of this story quite good, really interesting. However, there are a few points that kinda bugged me a little.

For instance, what was the red powder she slipped in his drink? You never mentioned that.

You say that she drugged him at the airport and dragged him from there all the way to the airport? That doesn´t sound all that believable to be honest, and the fact that they´re at the local beach at the height of summer, so you would imagine that someone would stumble upon them eventually, or he would at least hear the cars or see the boats or the people in the sea, plus she would probably be caught pretty soon for using his credit card all over town, especially after buying a Ferrari.

As I said, overall it´s a decent idea, just a few points you might want to look over

[niamhoneill]

Hi Mc Coy,

Thanks for your comments.

Firstly, I didn't see the point in having to explain further what the red powder is. I assume the reader has a decent level of intelligence to understand that after I have said the MC wants to drug him and that she puts something into his drink and that it makes him go all hazy, that it is a drug!!

Also, perhaps I didn't make it clear enough but the MC had a car, which is mentioned in the story and it is suggested that she dragged him from that, not from the airport, I thought this was clear, maybe not.

The story only spans over a short time and she had sectioned off the beach with tape so people wouldn't come snooping, not very believable I know, but really the whole story isn't very believable.

Lastly, she didn't buy the farrari, the acquired it from the man she married, which is explained in detail.

[McCoy]

I did understand that the red powder was a drug, all I´m saying is that you might want to introduce it a bit better. You introduce it in a way that it seems like the reader is supposed to have read about the red powder earlier.

As he turned his head in that direction, Sally leaned over his left and slipped the red powder into his coke

about the other facts, all I´m saying is that you might want to clarify some of them more in your story. It really is a good story, I liked it a lot.

[AdamThomas]

Good story. Two suggestions:

1) "had heard that one man even had plastic surgery so she couldn’t recognize him anymore"

"Plastic surgery" is a little vague. I think it would be funnier if you mentioned a specific procedure like "had his cheeks and nose augmented."

2) "A sharp pain shot through her as a thorn scraped her brow, and a little blood spilled out, “That will add to the credibility of it all,” she thought."

I'd suggest a period either after "out" or by making "A little blood spilled out" its own sentence.

[Ambrose]

Pretty funny. I laughed out loud at Sally's best pickup line. Also, the way she "splinted" his leg with a huge piece of drift wood was hysterical and I could totally see him trudging along with it. The guy was an absolute doofus, but he was funny as hell. I love all the wild conclusions he comes up with. In retrospect I was reminded a little of the obliviousness of Mr. Bean. There's a skit where he is changing into his bathing suit on a beach and he's trying to do it discreetly because there's a man watching him. Later, he figures out that the man is blind.

Anyways, I didn't know what I was getting into when I clicked on this but I'm glad I did. The only disappointment to be had was the ending. I didn't like how she just ditched Dan and went off with the guy with Ferrari. I wanted a little more closure than her just driving by the beach and thinking she sees a figure out there building a raft. Although that was pretty funny as well, I have to admit.

[ea_blue]

Good to see another story from you, Niam! You've produced yet another amusing one from the insane side, hehehe.

I thought Dan was terrific for his stupidity and naiveté. The simplest things went right over his head! And Sally was no rocket scientist either, but an amusingly aggressive gold-digger. I liked that one guy even resorted to plastic surgery to escape her.

I would have liked to read more about her efforts to charm Dan in the form of a dialog. You could of had a lot of fun with that one. Her ham-fisted approach to flirting combined with Dan's stupidity could have been uproariously funny.

I thought it was really funny that Dan was still on the beach after she'd married another guy. Almost as amusing was the fact the she'd so easily forgotten him on the beach.

I think the last line could have been drawn out a little more. It was so distant from Dan's predicament that it seemed almost non-sequitor. If you wrote a little more about how she felt, seeing Dan still on the beach, it would give the close of the story more impact.

Overall, it seems that many parts were just a bit rushed. Some parts, like getting a drugged Dan out of the airport, could be explained in greater detail and would be worth a lot of laughs. You've setup a good premise and good characters. Now let them live a little more.

Thanks for sharing and posting another fun story!

Cheers!

ea_blue

[niamhoneill]

Hey Guys,

Many thanks for your comments. All valid and all taken on board. I will get working on incorporating them into the story. McCoy, I think you are right about the powder, I'll incorporate it earlier.

Thanks again!!!

Niamh

[Aleox]

yes, this was a funny story, but it seemed much too rushed in parts, and not because you wanted to write it like that, but because it needed more description. I agree with McCoy in some of the unbelievable things about Dan and the whole beach incident, but I guess that was for the laughs. Oh, and I really wanted to punch Sally in the face. Just sayin'.

[Vorcla]

Very humorous. A little uneven in spots, but good overall. At the end, I was wondering how Dan has managed to remain unnoticed for so long, and how he's been staying alive. Me, I would have had her check on him and see a skeleton with a big piece of drfitwood splinted to the leg! But that's just me.