[Verbalcody]

***Warning - Explicit Language***

One Man's Bad Experience. With Milk.

"Fuck."

"Rough day, Pal?"

"Rough day. You ever been to Mighty Max's Mini Mart?"

"Cant say that I have, buddy"

"Well, you ever been married to a fucking bitch whore?"

"sure, pal"

"Well you're halfway to a bad day, everyday right there."

"Why don't you lay it on me"

"Well this fucking bitch, she goes to the grocery store every week. I work mind you.
I work and she goes to the grocery store. She goes to this grocery store EVERY
fucking week."

"Right, a grocery store."

"Right. EVERY week. I mean we have two kids and we eat the same shit every day.
Every day these two kids eat two bowls of cereal, and every day she has a big
glass of milk. I don't drink milk because I'm lactose intolerant. You know
what that's like?"

"No, not really no."

"well it's fucking intolerable. Anyway, this bitch has her glass of milk and I
don't have any. So its two bowls and one glass of milk every fucking day. It's
mathematics, right?"

"Mathematics?"

"Right. So unless this whore is bringing home some guy to fuck while I'm out at
work and this guy loves a tall cold glass of milk after a good fuck, then every week
we should consume the same amount of fucking milk. There's no one else drinking
the stuff. So you'd imagine she could keep on top of this situation with some
basic fucking mathematics."

"But she ran out of milk."

"She ran out of fucking milk. So I come home from work, and I'm about to grab a beer
from the fridge. I have to drink beer you see because I'm lactose intolerant, but that's
besides the point today, there is no fucking milk anyway. So I'm opening my beer and
this bitch she says to me 'we have no milk' and I'm thinking how is that fucking possible,
didn't you do your groceries this week? Well of course she did because the money is gone
so I guess she has mismanaged the milk this week and on account of she cant drive because,
one she's a fucking awful driver and two she's got no licence because she's a fucking
awful driver, guess who has to go to the store and get the god damned milk because
these kids are too stupid to drive and too picky to go without eating"

"you?"

"Me. So here I am at Mighty Max's Mini Mart and the place smells like it looks and it
looks like shit but its closer than the grocery store and fuck if I'm going to stand
in line anyway. So I head over to the fridge and low and behold its my lucky fucking
day there's one box of milk left."

"Just one?"

"Yeah just one box. And so I reach out to grab it and this is where the story gets fucked.
I reach out to touch this one box of milk and I sort of have to recoil my hand. There's
some ill omen around this box of milk"

"How do you mean ill omen, buddy"

"I mean you ever reach your hand inside the shitter because something was stuck down there?"

"Yeah I have"

"Well it feels like that, except more mystical."

"Mystical?"

"Fucking right. Mystical. I don't know what it is about this fucking milk, but I have
the feeling something bad is going to happen if I buy it. Like something awful
is inside this one lone box of milk."

"You ever get that feeling before?"

"Never in my life. So I look around and theres this guy next to me and he's looking
at eggs and all the sudden I'm looking at him and he's looking at me and he's holding
his eggs and I have this fucking box of milk in my hands and I want to ask him
what he thinks about everything but he just goes and pays for his eggs and fucks
off to make an omlette."

"So, did you put the milk back?"

"I thought about it, but then I thought this is the last fucking box of milk and I'm
not going anywhere else. But then what if, Ya know, Something terrible happens?
Then all of the sudden this kid bumps into me."

"What did he do?"

"He distracted me from thinking about my fucking milk is what he did. Then he buys
something and he fucks off too and I'm alone with my milk again."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow. Well damned if I don't take that milk up to the counter. It's just
me and the clerk left in the store and I'm not expecting much from a clerk and
sure enough he's a real ugly fucker and he's got something red stuck on his
cheek. Like some candy or something. So he's some kind of half asleep slob
gatekeeper who holds the answer to the most important question in the world."

"What did you ask him"

"I asked him 'what do you think about this milk'."

"And?"

"And he said 'it's two percent'. I guess he's not very mystical."

"I guess. So what did you do?"

"I bought the fucking milk. I bought it, and I brought it home. I gave it to my wife
and she said thank you and tried to kiss me and then she put it in the fridge."

"She never tried it?"

"I told you, two bowls and one glass. This all happens in the morning."

"So until tomorrow then, buddy?"

"If I'm still alive."

[Venomous Vixen]

You know it is funny, I was a bit put off by this at first. I mean, it is riddled with cussing and weird dialog, but the more I read the more I liked it. It almost read like a snippet of pulp fiction, the whole "le Royal with Cheese" bit. I thought you may be headed into her cheating with the whole mathematics bit but anyhow, glad to finally see this one up and fresh material here!!

[Lubesh]

Ha ha..Wow! We need more like you.

[alloallo3]

I'm sure you would be a good screenwriter. Virtually everyone in Hollywood seems to think the word fuck is wonderfully comical. And inherently dramatic. And sophisticated.

You will surely regard me as some kind of blue nose. I'm not. I just like my humor funny. The skill you show in this, and your ear for interesting dialogue, indicates you can write very well. Why don't you try?

On the other hand, this is the kind of thing that not only sells, but wins Academy Awards. It's just been done to death as far as I'm concerned. It's the sophisticates version of "you might be a redneck if..."

[Verbalcody]

ahhh! I've won 2 awards from Zoetrope.com for short scripts. A good eye and the scripts have very minimal use of the word Fuck.

Now my next story will have no use of it, and no dialogue. That's the idea. see if I have a voice without stealing my own personal one which is lace with fucks and shits.

[Aleox]

yeah....sorry if I don't think that type of humor is funny, because I truthfully don't think it is in the least, and I'm sad that many people do. it's easy humor, vulgar, and takes no skill to write. it's one thing if the cursing is used sparingly for effect, but otherwise...

the script flowed, and was a "good" script in that sense, and I see you have some skill there and probably elsewhere. I hope to see that put to good use in the next piece you write.

[Verbalcody]

It's no problem if you don't think it's funny man, but the it takes no skill to write is a direct stab. It takes skill to put pen to paper in the first place. If I don't like something someone else has written, the first thought in my head is NEVER that that took no skill to write.

Not having a sense of humour about it and outright hating it, that's one thing but completely dumping on it that's something personal and has no place in criticism. For my money.

[Aleox]

I think you misunderstood me...I think what you wrote took much skill, but those types of jokes do not. I'd think you'd agree that humor, in say Scrubs or The Office, took more skill to write than Superbad. Or at an even farther extremity that of a movie like A Fish Called Wanda, or something like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. For my money.

[Verbalcody]

those types of jokes because they contain the word fuck? doesn't make much sense to me. Sure you may prefer the office to superbad, I guess it took a lot of skill for gervais to completely steal the alan partridge character not that i didn't love the show anyway. But I also thought superbad was hilarious. I also own every wes anderson movie. some people like safe and cuddly and some people like something real. all writing come from nothing. Who they appeal to has little to do with the skill it takes to write them.

sorry if this is a rant, but feeling sorry for people because of their tastes? come on.

[AdamThomas]

That was really, really funny. I'm in a libarary. That is the LAST time I read the humor section in the library. When I read the part about "mathmatics" I friggin' errupted.

My only suggestion is to work one more joke in by the end. The 2% bit isn't that funny, and it's in a perfect spot for one last joke.

[Verbalcody]

thanks adam i got another compliment on another site for building up to a big finish and then downsizing it and walking away with no punchline, that guy dug it. I thought it was sort of a bland ending myself... i couldn't think of anything so I didn't put anything haha.

[McCoy]

I kinda agree, the ending is a bit blah, but I liked it anyway, didn´t care about the cursing, mostly because I curse all the time I guess. the only suggestion I could give is for you to add a little bit of info about the characters, who are talking together? just a tiny bit of info that I think would make this a little bit better. it would make a good scene in a movie

[Zoidberg]

I guess you weren't joking about the explicit language thing. But, honestly, I didn't get it. So the guy hates his wife because she drinks milk and has to go out and get some. He gets a bad feeling about the milk but buys it anyway. So he goes to a bar and tells some guy about his experience with milk and how his wife and kids drink it regularly.

I didn't really think it was funny, just vulgar. Maybe I'm just stupid and am missing the joke here.

[Brandeno41]

very funny wonder if he will be alive tomarrow

[RENA HANDS]

Can’t (cant) say that I have, buddy(.)

I think a bit excessive with…fucking bitch whore…possibly…married to a fucking whore?

I think a missed period after…sure, pal. ?

What’s with the paragraph forms?

Is there really a tiff about his wife going to the store? Is there a particular time? Day? Something more than she goes to the store every week.

…she can’t (cant) drive because,

Missed period after…without eating(.)

Too much usage of ‘fucking.’ There are similar profanities that could be used.

I think…You?

Does milk come in boxes? Cartons? Or jugs?

Possibly…I reach out to grip this one box…

A missed period after…box of milk(.)

A missed question mark after…buddy(?)

I think another missed period after…Yeah, I have(.) A missed comma too, I think.

You missed…and there’s (theres) this guy…

I think a missed question mark after…you ask him(?)

I think…What (what) do you think about this milk(?)

I think the extensiveness of profanity ruined the humor of your story. Also I missed the ‘joke,’ what was it again? I will give 2/5.

[Perscription]

This is brillant. It is hilarious, witty, your character stands out a country mile, he is real. I dont understand this arguement with the curse words. It is null and void as far as I am concerned. People curse every minute of the day. Maybe not everyone, but a lot of people do, to not like a piece because the central character curses is just crazy. Sure, maybe you mightnt like the character because of this, but to dislike the writing because of the cursing is a joke. it really is. I doff my cap to what is definitely the funniest thing I have read on this site, or anywhere for that matter, in a long time. Congratulations on an excellent piece of writing. I really look forward to reading more of your stuff.

[Verbalcody]

thank you very much

I haven't written anything since but I am planning something soon when the mood strikes. I'm glad you liked it, curses and all.