[thelma&louise]

Stalkerish Tendencies
by Chris

This had to be, without a doubt, the craziest moment of my entire life.

I slowly sucked in a deep breath, willing my furiously beating heart to calm down.

"It's okay," I whispered softly to myself, tucking a long strand of hair behind my ear. "It's just one brilliantly, disgustingly gorgeous person. Nothing to get excited about."

Yet, my hands seemed to be shaking uncontrollably as I crouched there in the dark. My camera was sitting in my lap, immobile, as my eyes . A small mew sounded from a spot next to me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

I glared at my cat before putting a palm on his face and pushing him away from me non-too-gently. "I'm busy," I told him while he meowed woefully and scuttled away to hide under my bed. I muttered darkly under my breath before focusing my attention on the house across the way. A room had lit up, the room I'd been anxiously watching for the past half hour or so. Instantly, my frown turned into a brilliant smile, and I clutched at my camera.

Finally, showtime.

God, just look at that. I smiled to myself dreamily, and didn't even notice when my fingers went limp and dropped my camera into my lap. I sidled closer to my window, placing my elbows on the window sill after I moved my hair away from my face hurriedly.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

I knew, if someone saw me sitting here, staring at another someone undressing, they'd probably think of me as one psychotic girl. But God...this was real beauty. No wonder half of the town's population was obsessing over this piece of ass.

Er, I mean meat. Or um...Yeah, you get the picture.

Now, please don't be thinking I'm some kind of weird stalker. Firstly, this is my first stalk--I mean watching experience ever. Secondly, I'm completely sane and mentally healthy... I merely appreciate nature and its wonderful creations. All I'm doing is admiring someone from afar. Even if said someone is walking around in their room in just their underwear. I mean, come on. Even you wouldn't look away. Just look at that. Seriously. My eyes are tearing up from the impact of sheer, unadulterated beauty.

I sniffled, removing a tissue from my pocket and dabbing it under my eyes.

As I lowered the napkin in my lap, I felt something cold and remembered my camera. Lifting it with both hands, I zoomed in on my target and started snapping away.

I was still snapping away after my film finished. My last roll of film too!

Realizing this, I pulled the device away and stared at it in horror.

"No! No, no, NO!"

I shook the camera furiously, hoping to knock some sense into it.

Alas...

Sighing, I put it down and settled with just watching the yummy specimen that was my next-door neighbor, making a note to buy a dozen rolls of film tomorrow. At the very least.

I sighed happily, putting a hand to my cheek dreamily as my head tilted to the side. My cat jumped onto the window sill, but this time I patted his head with my free hand. Even he was watching, and with interest at that. I was glad he agreed with me, at least, where beauty was concerned, because I couldn't really talk about my...little obsession. You see, when I tried telling my best friend, she said people would find it a little weird that I'm taking pictures of a half-naked girl on a daily basis.

Eh. Go figure.

[Vorcla]

Interesting commentary, Chris, laced with wry humor. I like the way you address the audience about halfway through ("Now please don't be thinking..."). The shift to present tense in that section works well, setting it apart from the rest of the narrative. Nice device.

Very clever little vignette with a twist ending. Damned fine.

[thelma&louise]

Thanks for the comment Rick. =D It's thanks to this lame piece that I got my writing spark back...Sal and I are back to working on "In The Streets of Harlem."

[Vorcla]

Not lame at all. You're being too self-deprecating.

[thelma&louise]

Nah, it's pretty stupid comparing to some of the stuff I've written before. But hey, I'm not complaining. I'm so back to writing it's not even funny. XD

[Bluejay]

A nice little piece. I liked the addition of the cat to the mix. Besides adding some color, cats are known for - well - stalking things. Prey. Meat.

But... forget the film - buy a digital camera.

[thelma&louise]

Thanks, Bluejay. =D

But... forget the film - buy a digital camera.

Haha, it was actually originally a digicam, but I wanted to add the part where she freaks out over no film, so I edited that part out.

[Jimbalaya]

Oh, I like this one. It is short and well written. Just a couple of things I noticed:

Yet, my hands seemed to be shaking uncontrollably as I crouched there in the dark. My camera was sitting in my lap, immobile, as my eyes . A small mew sounded from a spot next to me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

It kind of looks like you deleted something that was supposed to be there after "immobile". At first I didin't think so, but then the extra space for your period started acting suspicious. After a brief interrogation, the period definately thinks you need something else a the end of that sentence. Otherwise you are left with "as my eyes." As your eyes do what? See what I mean? Or do I owe you an apology?

Finally, showtime.

Maybe just my opinion but I don't think these two words play well together in the same sentence. I think you could make them each their own sentence and it would make more of an impact.

Sighing, I put it down and settled with just watching the yummy specimen that was my next-door neighbor, making a note to buy a dozen rolls of film tomorrow. At the very least.

There are a number of fragmented sentences in this story and that's not a bad thing, with the voice of the piece, they all work pretty well and they need to be there. This one, however, does not. I would just sweep that one into the previous sentence and eliminate it. You still get the same effect, but it uses the momentum of the previous sentence to drive the point home.

I, too, really enjoyed the tense shift in the middle when you stopped to address the reader. It was a good fit for this piece.

The whole time I was thinking she was checking out a guy, someone she had a crush on and I was waiting for a big fat cliche. I was pleasantly surprised with the ending and thought it was very tastefully done.

I love the way you put your descriptions together, one that sticks out for me is the way the MC puts her hand over the cat's face and pushes it away. I actually do that with my cat because the evil little bastard won't leave me alone. It really adds weight to a piece when the attention to detail is well executed, an in this, it is.

I enjoyed the hell out of this. Like Rick said, "Damn fine." I'm glad you are writing again, I can't wait to read more of the Harlem story.

[thelma&louise]

It kind of looks like you deleted something that was supposed to be there after "immobile".

Whoops, you're right, my bad. I knew I wanted to add something there, but I can't remember right now. I'll just put in something instead to complete the sentence for now.

And thank you for the suggestions. I'll play around with them a little and see what happens. Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks once again for the thoughtful review.

Chris.

[Gurdit]

I know it's Sal! You've been looking at Sal, haven't you?!

Anyway, as I said, this was a fun read, but right around the middle (or actually, more towards the end, I guess), I just kinda knew you'd pull something unexpected out of the bag . I, being the weirdo that I am, was kinda hoping you'd pull something completely unexpectedly crazy out of the bag, but that's just me. Even then, I think you did a really good job with the whole gender/pronouns thing right up to the end.

As I said yesterday though, does "meat" also work when describing a girl?

You know, on reading it a second time, I did find it funnier. Perhaps I wasn't in much of a mood for humour the last time I read it. Hehe. Take the following line for example:
"All I'm doing is admiring someone from afar."
And with the italics and all, hehe, nice.

[thelma&louise]

I know it's Sal! You've been looking at Sal, haven't you?!

-solemn- Guilty as charged. Especially since, you know, Sal and I don't live next door to each other, and we're both completely heterosexual? Yeah, I've been totally stalking my best friend. :p

I, being the weirdo that I am, was kinda hoping you'd pull something completely unexpectedly crazy out of the bag, but that's just me.

Like what, you freak? Her stalking another cat for her cat, but she ended up being infatuated with that cat instead and told her cat not to interfere? ...Gah. Never mind. That's just nasty.

As I said yesterday though, does "meat" also work when describing a girl?

Iunno, I think it's fine. She's got meat on her, doesn't she? =P

[Razor]

I like the ending. Eh. Go figure! To me it really summons up everything, especially the twist you dropped in the paragraph before.

Overall though I found your writing to be concise, well thought out and streamlined. I didn't feel like I was working to read it, it all just flow well of the page...er I mean screen.

Nicely done, just one thing that really stuck out at me.

Even if said someone is walking around in their room in just their underwear. I mean, come on. Even you wouldn't look away

This was a little rocky for me. Used "Even" twice to start sentences that were very close together. Also I had to reread the first sentence. Now I"m not a whiz when it comes to wording, so maybe this is just too "fancy" for me, but I think you need to take out "said," and replace it with "that?"

But otherwise, this piece is very well written.

[Gurdit]

Originally Posted by thelma&louise

Like what, you freak? Her stalking another cat for her cat, but she ended up being infatuated with that cat instead and told her cat not to interfere? ...Gah. Never mind. That's just nasty.

Lol! That's just the kinda crazy nutcase thing I might have done.
Then again, you wrote this to get your edge back, not to relieve yourself of your weirdo tendencies...wait, you don't have weirdo tendencies, do you? Oh yeah, that's me, sorry.

[RENA HANDS]

You have a great gap here with your period and the last word...as my eyes. A small...

What kind of ‘stalker,’ has with them their cat?

Maybe...and didn’t even notice when my fingers went limp as my camera dropped into my lap.?

Did you intend, ‘slid,’ I (slid) closer to my window, ?

Maybe...I slide closer to my window, placing my elbows against the sill after (moving/pushing) my hair away from my face hurriedly.?

I think you not need ‘another,’ here...staring at someone undressing,

What about saying, ‘wondrous’ here...I merely appreciate nature’s wondrous creations. ?

Maybe...Sighing, I placed the camera down settling to just watch the yummy specimen that was my next...

A very interesting short tale. Are you considering to write more?

I will rate the for the originality, 3/5!

[alja123]

I'm not sure the twist works completely. Not for me anyway. For some reason halfway through the story I thought "what if the stalkee is a dude", so by the end I was like "lol, I knew it!". I think this is partly because the sex of the stalker isnt stressed strongly. I mean you mention that she's a girl explicitly (once?), but I think you could do it earlier and paint her more as a girl. I'd say that before the phrase "psychotic stalker girl" it is completely ambiguous to what sex who is.(edit-ok, actually long hair gives it away too.)

I do wonder if this is the kind of way people start stalking.

[thelma&louise]

Thanks for your comments, everyone. To be honest I'm not particularly fond of this piece, as it was written at a time when I had a severe writer's block. So I didn't really put much effort into it, thus all the screwyness. And I'm not going to put much effort editting either, as I don't feel its worth it (that, and I'm too lazy).I really do appreciate your praise, however, and all the constructive criticism. Thanks again!

-Chris.