What Publishers Think Of When They Close Their Eyes

[Beagle]

Synopsis: An author held captive suffers at the hands of his evil publishers.


He often felt neglected down there, in the cold little room with no windows. He didn't complain of course, that would have only earned him a sound beating, but nonetheless he would have dearly loved a window. Just one would do, nothing fancy, even if it looked out directly onto a brick wall, but no. Windows provided a distraction, and distractions had a negative impact on production. At least that's what the masters told him, and who was he to question the masters?

Tap tap tap tap.

His fingers plodded away on the keyboard. He’d completely forgotten what the story was about...some whimsical nonsense about a boy and his dog, or perhaps it was a horse, or some outlandish combination of both. After many years he had learned that it did not really matter what he wrote. Any dangerous material he slipped in there would be edited out, and if the finished product was somehow below par, he’d simply be told to rewrite it until it was good enough.

Tap tap tap tap.

Yes...it was coming along nicely. The boy had just told the horse-dog about the girl he was in love with at school, whom he had teased horribly only the year before (in the previous book), but now he had realised that it was only because he liked her so much. The horse-dog told him to follow his heart...no, that wasn't nearly adventurous enough. The horse-dog told him to climb up onto its back, then off they flew to the great castle in the sky where the silver swan lived! The silver swan...or was it a golden goose?

Tap tap…tap…

A hiss of static broke his reverie as the tannoy in one corner of the room crackled into life,

Keep typing please Mister Simmons!

The voice of the master was harsh and authoritative. It was not a voice that one ignored.

Tap tap tap tap.

The goose, yes it was a goose, told the boy where he could find the secret elixir that could make the girl love him with just one drop. The journey would not be easy, oh no, it would be very difficult, yet over surprisingly quickly in case the reader lost interest. Mister Simmons was on a roll; he knew the voice that had spoken was monitoring his words per minute, so he kept typing away furiously. The story unfolded easily. The boy and his horse-dog beat the evil dragon in a game of connect four and collected its tears of defeat in a small flask. Or maybe it was a goblet, or a chalice. It didn’t matter, either way the boy had his elixir, and with haste they flew back to the school, where he poured one drop into the girl's apple juice and she fell in love with him. The end...at least until the next book.

The sound of a rusty bolt being painfully drawn back preceded the opening of the door, which squealed in protest and neglect. A smooth figure stepped into the room. The kind of man that one could never quite remember, all he left behind in one’s mind was a vague impression of wealth and superiority.

“Very good Mister Simmons,” the executive spoke curtly as he removed the flash drive from the basic word processor, “Your bread and water will be along shortly.”

He undid the shackles that kept Mister Simmons in place and gestured towards the straw pallet in one corner of the room. Simmons rubbed his sore wrists gratefully and hobbled towards his sleeping area.

“Thank you m’lord,” he croaked as he sat down. The executive nodded absently and turned to leave.

“Errm, m’lord?” The executive turned at the door with an impatient look on his face.

“Yes?”

“Can I have a window now please?”

“No.”

With that the executive left and slammed the door shut behind him. A second later the bolt could be heard sliding back into place. Simmons sighed deeply and curled up on his bed of straw, quietly grateful that he had made it though the day without being electrocuted.





Author’s Note: This little piece was inspired by the Barry Trotter spoof series, in which Barry must rescue J.G. Rollins from her publishers, who are keeping her prisoner and forcing her to write more Barry Trotter books.

[Gurdit]

This was certainly quite an entertaining read, m'boy.
The humour didn't quite have me in splits; it was more like dark humour. But that's ok, I rarely ever laugh out loud, especially when reading. When reading humour, I generally like it if it goes a little over the top. This generally did not, and it was more like a satire of the multitude of mediocre novels and storybooks that are released every so often, fantastic tales of teenage heroes riding dragons and what not.

Also, as I said during the editing, I thought a few places needed commas. That could be my personal preference, but I generally write in British English, so I wouldn't put it down to British-vs-American style of writing. In fact, we have a very British member here (Lubesh), who can technically point out everywhere you need to put a comma. But anyway, it's not really a huge deal.

You know what I would have liked? A description of Mr. Simmons. I would have liked to know what he looked like. Was he old or was he young? Did his hair turn white? Was he deathly pale and thing from lack of exercise? Also, I would have liked to know how he ended up in that prison, but that wouldn't be very funny at all, I suppose, unless you can come up with some ingenious way in which publishers trap potential writers.

I liked the bit about the window, especially this part "Just one would do, nothing fancy, even if it looked out directly onto a brick wall, but no." It also ties up the story and concludes it nicely the way it began.

[Beagle]

Thanks for the input! I was very much going for the kind of humour to make one smile, not laugh out loud. I agree that Simmons needs some more description/characterisation for this to be a short story in its own right. As it stands it's not really a story as such, more of a 'byte' I suppose.

Don't know if you noticed but I did throw a couple of extra commas in there as per your suggestion, probably not as many as you would've liked though.

I'd appreciate this Lubesh's input here if they happen by, I noticed that they're the top poster and that's got to count for something!

Anyway thanks again.

Edit: Lol, the ad banner underneath the story as I type is for a publishing company! Ha!

[ea_blue]

hehehe. I liked this one. It leaves you with a smile on your face. I certainly got a good chuckle out of it. I liked the description of the editor, small with a vague impression of wealth and superiority, hehehe. That's a perfect description, lean enough to pass on the general gist of the idea and leave the reader to fill in the rest. For me, the editor was pudgy, wore black-rimmed glasses, suspenders, and a permanent grimace with floppy jowls.

I like how the author kept changing his mind about the details, saying it didn't matter eventually. That's sort of how I imagine an author cranking out pulp fiction. And then his reward is bread and water and a bed of straw, hehehe. I chuckled at that. I've often imagined that harlequin romances and porn were produced in this manner.

Very entertaining and fun. I like light humor (humour?) like this.

[Beagle]

Humour/humor, whatever makes ya happy. Thanks for taking the time to read it, I appreciate it! I'm also quite glad you picked up on what you call 'lean' descriptions (great term by the way). I've always been in favour of letting the reader's mind do most of the work when it comes to descriptions of characters. Though that said I agree with Gurdit about Simmons needing a tad more work.

[Peppy]

I sometimes feel like a prisoner of writing(POW) sometimes. I’m the only person who can tell my stories and no one else. Sigh, unless I was a producer. Now that’s an idea.

Anyways, humour? I guess if a writer is able to laugh at himself. Yok yok yok, I can laugh. This is actually very relatable, except I‘m living it…sometimes….and sometimes not

The subtle analogies in the piece were curious. The executives, the trapped writer, the writer two fates. It’s more dark than it is humorous.

Very enjoyable nonetheless, even though this plays more like a scenario than a complete story. But since you’re just starting again, I don’t see you’ll have a hard time connecting plot, meaning, story, etc.

I spotted some comma problems and one apostrophe mishap. But nothing to cry over; I’m not sure if I should give you a lesson or just let you learn on yourself. Hmmmm… Nahhh. Here’s a link: Commas

Nice piece, Beagle. I miss some of these pieces where the character is "real" and everything else is, like, symbolism.

-

[Beagle]

Mm, I suppose it's all in the reading. Interesting that it's now been described as both light humour and dark. I hate to break this to you Peppy but you might be seeing symbolism that isn't there...

Then again I might be subconsciously working symbolism into it without realising. Two opinions have convinced me, I'm going to try and sort out the commas now, thanks.

Edit: Sorted out the commas, I think, and corrected the apostrophe error. Damn you Peppy, now I'm seeing all the symbolism and it's no longer as funny and light-hearted as I thought! Ah well, dark humour's one of my favourite types of funny I suppose, along with surreal.

[timtornado3721]

Ooh man that was good. Way to portray the writer's position when up against those blood thirsty scoundrels of an editor. When trying to publish something it seems as if we are forced to sell are souls just to get their attention and become published. Peppy is right, there is a lot of symbolism here.

[Aleox]

Very nice writing, with the dark humour spotted here and there. I feel I can relate to the poor fellow, except my shackles have the electrodes directly connected to them. I mean these bloody jerks keep me writing reviews all day- YOUCH, okay, back to reviewing, back to reviewing...