A Very Hairy Affair
A Short Story
By Anita M Kulkarni
Armed with scissors and comb I went in search of Albie.
After a hearty meal and a good drink I knew finding him wouldn't be difficult and that the chances were he'd be fast asleep. With great stealth I made tracks for the TV room but was stopped by the silence.
"That's funny." I backed up to the wall and side stepped to the door, which was ajar. I quickly poked my head around the stencil of the door, flattening my hair at one side to reduce the risk of being spotted. There was nobody there. The TV wasn't even switched on which was very strange. "Where the devil...?"
I had to creep again along the hallway checking all the rooms. No joy. "Wait a minute, I hope he isn't...he bloody is!" I saw a chink of light spread across newly laid plush carpet; I stopped to admire it once again. "Well I think I made the right choice and if he who must be obeyed doesn't think so." Looking at how well it vacuumed too made me think about my aching bones after spring-cleaning the house from top to bottom. I was becoming sidetracked and time was getting on. My eyes were drawn to the light on the carpet. My heart sank as I peeped around the door, why the spare room? The bed was a mess. This is all I need and Aunty Jean is due for a visit.
So here was the reason I was acting like an army commando in my own home. "Here's as good a place as any, better get to it." I didn't want it to come to this I really didn't but enough was enough. I had no choice.
His body language said 'do not disturb'. I think there was a sign up above those brown eyes too, one of the reasons I still barely liked him was his eyes but I digress. From what I could tell they were open even though he was asleep, which is always an unnerving thing to encounter, but made more acceptable since they were practically covered by something even more unpalatable! Disgusting, long, drooping hair hung down and across, every which way, and just lately, was really beginning to get on my nerves, really with a capital 'F'. It had been the cause of many an argument. I had to be quick and because he turned over just at that moment, I had to establish yet again which was the front and which the back, and that is no exaggeration by any means. I heard something, from somewhere, which was no guarantee, but I started in that general area. He tossed and turned restlessly as he slept. I think I knew the reason why. It was that wanton bitch up the street that is always following him around; she strikes me as being well past her sell by date anyway! "Hounded he is." As he tossed, I snipped, and as he turned, I snipped. Then all of a sudden he wasn't co-operating at all anymore, adding to my frustration, but, when the phone rang, this provoked a generous spasm of muscle, enough for me to practically finish the job save a few straggly bits. 'Perfect' was my first thought, my second was that I was quite possibly wasted with such talent! "I should clear away some of this hair, but before I do, he seems sound enough, I'll go and have a cigarette." I was desperate. Anyway, if I didn't have one soon I'd start coughing and spluttering and wake him up before I could accomplish my mission.
I was in the middle of enjoying my cigarette and counting smoke rings trying to beat my previous record when I was disturbed by a torrent of sneezes and a few weird sounding coughs. I dropped the cigarette and turned on my heels over it as I went to find out what the racket was. I saw a twitching nose and a vain attempt to move obviously irritating clumps of cut hair. Amazingly, after more very strange sneezing come coughing bouts he was still sound asleep. "Good," I murmured leaning over what had become just a mound of hair.
As I viewed my creation, in a rather hap-hazard fashion, from the very few angles available to me, I was brought out of my creative study by the cold steel of the scissors tapping against my forehead.
"Mm." The scissors tapped again. "Something's not quite...." I shot bolt upright from a very tentative crouching position, "Bloody hell! I couldn't believe what I saw. "I thought he had brown eyes, I mean he does have brown eyes, what the hell am I saying!"
I shook him, gently at first, and then I gave him a little more of a forceful 'bloody well wake up shake!' Still the zombified, bouffanted...bloody Alien, for all I knew, gave no response, dead to the world as it were - not a sausage. "My God, I think he's dead, he's suffocated in all that hair, I knew I should have cleaned it up." I began to panic a bit more, which was a good sign of some things being normal, so I indulged myself a hell of a lot and shot out into the hallway to begin a delivery of hysterical babbling.
"His eyes are, were...I mean brown, not black. He can't have two sets of eyes. I was laughing hysterically, "I mean, for Christ sake, there just isn't the need, on a normal day, for two sets of... Could be a trick of the light?" My ramblings had acquired a life of their own. "All this time and I thought he had brown eyes..."
I was stopped by a voice in my head. "Have you even considered the possibility that the change in eye colour could simply be...." The sound of the voice became very sarcastic and the pitch was high. "...... Because you've BLOODY WELL killed him, let him die, left him to suffocate!" That's a bit harsh I thought ... I only wanted a quick cigarette. I was delirious but also triumphant like about the answer to all this but was immediately catapulted right back to the nerve centre of my hysteria, when I heard the voice in my head again. "Okay, he only has one pair of eyes, you are probably right about his eyes changing colour, that you are probably the cause, the voice felt an urge to urge to point out a list was beginning to form! "But, it doesn't change the fact you are still standing in your BLOODY hallway with a very sharp pair of scissors bouncing off your forehead and upper thigh like a lunatic....by the way, I'd ditch those jeans..." I glanced at my legs and my designer jeans, ...."What?" Just then my forehead began to throb and felt quite bruised and tender. When I felt it, my thoughts turned to Easter and little Easter eggs.
"Christ, it's a wonder I'm not prostrate on the floor!"
I was beginning to get a grip on it all. I breathed in and then breathed out slowly. "Only two eyes........calm, nice and calm, I am calm." It sounded good but I wasn't convinced. At that point I really meant to take more 'As Seen On TV' deep cleansing breaths, in............and out, and in............ and out, but I couldn't manage it, instead, what I managed and deep down what I really wanted to manage, because I felt the advantage that a screaming banshee had invaded my body was, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!
"I'm going mad, it's punishment... I should have left him alone, apart from get on my nerves a bit, well quite a lot actually." I nodded firmly to assert that fact and also that shitty hair like that shouldn't be allowed anyway, be it man or beast. I went off on a tangent. "... and I swear that, what caught my eye in that....that drop in centre for anything with more than two legs called hair, was definitely the charcoal burnt crusty bit from supper. I was scolded like a child just because I accused him of..........Uurgh!!!" The dam scissors had nearly took off my left nostril.
"Jeess!!"
"That's it! Enough is bloody enough!!" I felt admonished from any panic and guilt. Life had evened up the score the very moment the 'top of the range', 'buy 2 for one' very bloody sharp Gillington II' had done their bit! I immediately cut at my shirt with the scissors. I secured it to my nose via my ear and head and tucked a little end inside.
"Get in there and cover the body." I told myself. I paced up and down the hall jabbering to myself, a pep talk, nonetheless, at the same time trying to synchronise the flow of blood from my van Gogh nose with a tap and wipe effort on my jeans which, and I don't mind admitting, I was rather enjoying the beat to for I was bleeding quite badly, felt faint and was hysterical. "Shock, it's shock that's all."
My throbbing head dropped and I held it in my two hands. I couldn't believe what I saw next. I was praying to God the red dots before my eyes was because of my head and nose. I blinked and blinked again, they were rather fuzzy but no, as I leant forward almost bending over I found it wasn't my eyes. "Nope, thought not, that would be too much to ask! It wouldn't be my bloody eyes would it? It had to be the bloody new carpet!"
The blood had completely soaked through my makeshift bandage and I tore another strip from my pale blue shirt including a pocket for bulk. I contemplated how many giant leaps it would take me to reach the bathroom but I'd probably splatter the walls as well. I could just see enough in a fraction of the mirror as I leant over balancing on one foot. "Ouch," I lifted the pocket. "It's worse than I thought." I began to lose my balance and hopped near to one spot until I regained it nonchalantly catching the blood already seeping through my denim pocket, and regaining my synchronised wipe, as if this crap happened every day!
I slowly crouched down onto the carpet, my head began to swim and I felt very weak and the pain was really bad. I was resigned to dialling for help but the sight of my bloodstained footprints with a large number 5, made me lower down further until my bottom reached the floor and lifted up one foot to look at the sole. "Correct, size 5...."and for a further 10 points Mrs ..." Looking further a field I saw I'd inadvertently made a near perfect figure eight up and down the hallway with my bloodied trainer soles. I tried to stand up but couldn't for the life of me do it. I went very dizzy again.
"Have to get up, I'm so tired...." I flopped and went black at the same time I heard noises at the front door just before I heard the lock . I heard a muffled voice of a man say, "Quiet for Pete's sake, now SSH." This brought me back to my senses and sitting upright. "Christ we're being burgled, and the day was going so well...!" I laughed almost hysterically as thoughts of shouting out instructions to the intruders filled my head. "My good stuff is in the study....my only diamond earrings are in the freezer behind the pork chops." Christ, the chops! I need those defrosted for Aunty Jean ... "take what you want but please don't come up here and tread crap into my new carpet." Burglars always seem to bring half your garden in with them on their feet. And, to add insult to injury they always have better trainers than you do.
A whimsical laugh was enough to send me toppling over again. I heard soft pads on the stairs, my heart quickened. "What the hell, I'll insure the next carpet, and maybe go for the deep red just to cover all eventualities!" More blood was trickling around my mouth and I spat. I felt cold and stared as long as I could towards the top of the stairs. The padding had stopped.
I heard the deep voice again, it seemed familiar but I was barely conscious, what did I know.
"What a boon" I murmured. " I may be able to identify the intruders, if they don't kill me first."
"Wait a minute..." The voice sounded again. " I do know who that is, hang on. "Dam!" my head felt like it was going to explode. I didn't care if I lived or died at that moment.
But, when I heard "Okay......NOW!" In a booming voice I let out a scream. Through a blur I saw a tall figure, he hurtled towards me then from behind I saw another figure. "Is that you? It can't be, you're dead... oh, come here baby..." as the words left my mouth I flopped and the voice that followed was dreamlike and had an echo.
"Christ Linda, of course I'm not dead, what happened, have you been attacked? You're covered in blood and .....what the hell has been going on, there's blood and, and hair? "Why is there hair everywhere Linda?" I was being shaken, which I really didn't appreciate, "Gee, thanks Mr," I heard myself cough and splutter then felt a hand wipe away the blood that had run into my mouth from my nose. "More blood, I am spoiled!" I couldn't see Albie anymore the ceiling was spinning. "Christ, that will probably fall on me any second now....." That was it that until I woke.
I opened my eyes to see staring at me a huge white bandage, in fact everything in the room was white. I looked to the sun beating through the blinds. They were white but open so I knew I wasn't dead unless they have skyscrapers in heaven and cranes and girders with cute men standing on them.
"Oh God, that wasn't a dream. I did go mad now I'm in an insane asylum!" Two things I've always associated with the colour white was asylums and my notion of heaven, apart from Aunt Hilda who was as mad as a hatter and wore nothing but white starched uniforms and told everyone she was a sister in charge of a nursing home. I tried to touch my bandage but almost pulled over the slender metal pole attached to the drip in my arm. It knocked something over and a clatter brought a nurse into the room. She seemed quite harmless, not at all what I had expected. I shut my eyes, only for a second, then she was gone. Perhaps they are told to dress down, so as not to further disturb the inmates these days. I was still very confused and had a head like cotton wool.
"Well, who has been in the wars then?" The voice nearly made me jump out of my skin. I looked either side of me, pulling up the crisp white sheets to my throat. All of a sudden the vase of flowers on the table at the bottom of my bed began jumping up and down. Then two of the whitest, cleanest hands poked through them, they belonged to the same nurse who had been busy arranging them by tossing them like a salad!
"You have a visitor." the nurse said in a chirpy voice.
"Uniformed?" I asked and I didn't know why. The sun in my eyes was making me screw them up and they watered.
"Were you expecting ..err, uniforms? She shook her head quickly. "Shall I send her up then?" Now would be a good time. The Doctor can't see you until later and he will fill you in."
She picked up my chart and with a long drawl she spoke. "Yeeeesss, mmm. You must rest and stay calm and your head will be very fuzzy, also your memory has been affected slightly, so don't try to force anything, okay?"
"Shall I send her up then?"
"Who? Her?" Christ! I thought, it's a woman, I'll have no chance. I still had uniforms on my mind.
"Err, yes, okay." I slumped back on my pillow wiping my eyes, giving a scolding glance to the drip and pole - stay!"
"Hang on!" I shouted to the nurse. "What about my nose?"
"You must remember to, oh sorry. You must take it easy, the Doctor will fill you in, just relax."
It seemed to take forever but the door gingerly opened proceeded by shuffling, clomping footsteps. It produced, much to my relief, a woman in her seventies I was guessing. Very well dressed but wearing the strangest hat I'd ever seen. I nearly laughed but my face felt as if it would rip. The morbid green colour was bad but the long feather hanging down, hitting her in the face causing her to shake her head each time was silly.
Her eyes met mine. "Ah, hello dear.....oh you don't look that bad to me, all things considered."
I hadn't a clue who she was or what she was babbling about, but as the nurse said, play it by ear, don't force anything, so.
I had a sudden urge to ask the lady had anyone died or something as casually as I could, I didn't know why but I bit my lip on that one as she rummaged about in her handbag for something.
She seemed to be gone in there for an awfully long time and I wondered if she'd forgot me. I asked her if she was alright, she was sneezing and coughing.
"Don't worry about your Aunty Jean dear, I'll be as right as rain, it's just a cold, tiresome but a cold nevertheless. It's you we must concentrate on, you."
I swallowed hard. "What do you mean...er..Aunty Jean?"
"First dear, I must say, not everybody would have done what you did the other day. They would probably call you a Looney. People can be very funny you know, about well, you know"
"Yes, I know." I was being polite. But I didn't know. "Err, funny about what exactly?"
She closed the clasp on her handbag and set it down on the floor drawing closer. She then placed both her hands on my free arm and began to squeeze it.
What the nurse said about my memory was right, it was taking a holiday, no postcards, nothing, nada, zilch! I had the feeling somewhere I was in trouble that I'd done something terribly wrong. Meanwhile, Aunty Jean continued to squeeze and carried on a one to one, largely with herself. That rang a few bells in my head, I remembered vaguely that I used to visit a relative who moaned on and on at us then I think she forgot we were there and we would slip away. On our next visit she'd be sat in the same chair prattling away which prompted the question, "Christ, I suppose she has moved from there since last week!"
My eyebrows were raised in anticipation, but I was given nothing. Then I thought maybe I was attacked, I have a huge bandage and pain and amnesia. But that notion didn't seem to want to belong in the void in my head. Nope, it didn't. My stomach sank I was beginning to remember seeing blood and hair, something about hair. "What the ****?"
"What, what was that dear?" Aunty Jean broke off from her ramblings.
"Oh nothing, just a twinge, err, Aunty jean, just a twinge.
"Is there anything I can get for you dear, anything at all?"
"No, I'm fine really, I placed her hands back on my arm, I was loosing patience. "Now, what were you saying about people being funny, funny about what exactly.?"
"About death dear, dying, corpses...."
"Okay, I get the general picture."
"But what you did was..." She sniffed.
I have killed someone, that feeling wasn't moving. I must have, no, I couldn't have....could I? My head was reeling.
"What you did dear was....."
"Criminal?" I piped up almost involuntarily.
"You always did like your little joke dear, didn't you?"
"What you did was beyond the realms of...oh I'm not making a good job of this am I dear?"
"Anyway, I call what happened a blessing, and no one can touch you for it."
At that moment, a huge balloon cloud appeared inside my head. It said "Oh my God and ??????"
"Hello dear." aunty Jean's hand was waving just beside my bandaged nose. "Are you alright, you look distant?"
"I....I...." Keep your mouth shut or you will incriminate yourself or worse. I told myself.
"You look tired, probably all those drugs. I'll let you rest."
"Aunty err...Jean, this may seem like a silly question and it has just popped into my head, but have you seen Albie or an albie...? I felt like a lunatic. "I thought he may have come here with you."
She leaned over as if addressing a half wit...."Who dear, who?"
Oh, Albie, you mean, you may have lost some memory but your humour is still there. No, dear, no. That wouldn't be allowed anyway, after what has happened would he want to? I don't think so somehow dear."
He hasn't been the same since this tragic business, you must understand that, dear."
"They grew up together, as well you know. He and suzie."
"Yes I know, that's all I heard from noon till bloody night!" I heard myself answer but was so detached from myself, I bit my lip hard. Where did that come from?
A flashbulb flickered inside my head, but soon dimmed.
"Hang on, who the hell is Suzy." I was frustrated beyond human endurance and in pain.
"I shouldn't say this but she was the love of his life ever since....."
"Whose life?"
"Why, Albie's of course. But, sadly it will never be and we tried so hard until you come along to get them together, obviously you didn't know about this of course."
"Oh, obviously! I mean, of course." I replied feeling something like a jealous spouse or something, I didn't know. At the same time I thought, come back aunt Hilda, all is forgiven!
"When Suzie's heart gave out during...well, you know....."
"No, I don't know, during what?"
"Oh, I forgot, your memory and all that." She continued but went a bright shade of red. "Oh, during the......I know, 'in the act' as it were dear. Right in the middle of...." there was no stopping her now and she began to spout Latin until I interrupted her.
My head was swimming I didn't want to hear any more for some reason, at least I didn't think I did.
"Sex dear."
"What about it?" I'd almost forgotten Aunty Jean for a split second.
"You know, Albie and Suzie were at it when....well you know the rest.
No I bloody don't! I screamed inside my head. The words 'Tell me more or you will join aunt Hilda in her nursing home' welled up, but I bit my lip once again.
"Will someone bring me up to freaking speed here!" came out instead.
I looked at Aunty Jean hoping by some remote miracle she hadn't caught it, the whole hospital must have heard it so Aunty Jean must have....then again, I looked at aunty Jean who was fumbling once more with her feather, maybe not!
"Careful dear, you'll bust a gasket or something. Now, what is it?"
"I know I can be a pain aunty Jean, and sometimes not a particularly nice person, but I did try, I did." I felt my head tighten like the thumbscrew on a condemned prisoner in medieval Britain.
I was disorientated and confused. Maybe Aunt Hilda felt like this before she was whipped away in the white van!
Fear or something broke the dam. I couldn't stop the flow of what came out of my mouth.
"I didn't mean to kill him. I just wanted to do the right thing and I was right, I knew I was right. It would have been better for him too, he'd have seen that if he'd lived."
"Who didn't you mean to kill, who dear?" said Aunty Jean who was engrossed in sorting out change for her taxi.
"What was that, who did you kill dear? Best for who, oh there it is, I knew I had a pound coin. Best for my nephew, well that's debateable isn't it dear? Knowing how he feels."
Another light bulb.
"Present tense." He, the nephew still feels something then...! One down, still breathing by all accounts and one to go, I think. I was sifting through names and doing a body count, 'Suzie bought it, there's a nephew and an albie.....
Dam! I thought, why can't I remember anything?
"Present tense, dear?"
I had to shake my head, I thought I heard a prison cell door clang shut. It was the clasp on Aunty Jean's purse.
"I really must go now dear. My taxi will be here shortly, you know? Just remember..." she continued in a serious tone, as she honed in on my face. She cupped my chin with a gloved hand. Her head shook with the force of the deliverance of her next few words. She looked almost menacing but I thought better of it, must have been the sun still in my eyes.
"I'll never, ever forget what you did, nor would poor suzie, if she were here."
We were back to Suzie.
"Err, where is this suz..., I mean where is Suzie now?
"What a morbid question, why do you ask dear?
"She's at your house still, something to do with technicalities and not being able to remove the body yet, all jargon to me. But she's still there where she was found, poor girl. Oh dear, I was supposed not to mention it. I'm old and forgetful, please forgive me will you dear?"
You have been through enough already. She held a hankie to her powdered nose.
"van Gogh!" I exclaimed.
What, van who dear" Oh yes, I like him too but I must say....."
She twittered on and on and I made a hasty retreat like I was a child again.
My van Gogh nose, I remembered. I looked at it or rather at the bandage until my eyes nearly crossed over and met up on the other side.
"I cut off my nose." my voice rose with the words. But I could still feel it and a lot of pain, Jees, I thought.
"Burglars, I remember burglars and red dots and shadows."
"Did they take much? Aunty Jean.....Aunty Jean! I had to shout to bring her back to me!
"He cut off his ear you know..."
"What? Who?"
"van gogh dear, went quite mad at the end they say.."
My mouth dropped open. No aunty Jean, I thought, compared to you he was a saint, a little troubled, but on a scale of...."
"Close your mouth dear, it's a hospital" Aunty Jean said curtly.
"I think I can remember something."
"And what's that dear?" asked Aunty Jean running a finger along the antiseptic blinds at the window. "They don't do much cleaning in here do they?"
"We had burglars didn't we? Yesterday when I..."
"No, don't think so dear. Anyway there were too many people around clearing up he mess so I wouldn't have noticed...oops I've done it again!"
I could see a Aunt Hilda in my head, her eyebrows raised looking at Aunty Jean and then to me, then her finger did a screwing motion against her head.
"Oh, yes dear, she took a sharp breath inwards, you did tell the police something about burglars attacking you, they didn't believe you. So they put you in here, the rest is history."
"Who else is history Aunty Jean? Apart from Suzie that is?"
"Is Albie history?"
"Albie, of course not, he's at home waiting or you silly.
"He is? Present tense sounds good to me! I thought.
"I told you he won't leave the house whilst Suzie is still, ahem, there, even though he is now devoted to you dear."
"I see, fine" I felt my heart sink, and still didn't know why and I was very weary and it felt still very much out of it with my head, oh how it hurt.
I plodded on, with meaningless questions allowing anything coming out of my mouth, which was on automatic pilot and totally alien to me.
"So this albie, he's alive and well and walking and breathing is he?"
"I know how ill you are dear but make some sense, what do you mean this albie? And yes he's fine, all things considered."
A sudden flood of jigsaw pieces gathered in my head but I was too weak to try and assemble them. I could hear the faint voice of one of the shadows I saw but I still couldn't put my finger on who it could be, but I still had the feeling I had in the hallway......Yes! I exalted, I have a hallway?" Well, Rome wasn't built in a day.
I was nudged to coherency by Aunty Jean. "James will be in tonight after work. I am sure he will calm you down."
"Who the hell is James!!?" This made her jump and look at me in a very funny way, then she smiled and reached tentatively for the buzzer, watching my good hand.
"No, wait, I will remember, give me a minute, I just need to get my story straight." I said deliriously.
"Is this James present or past tense?" Aunty Jean pressed the buzzer!
"You are very ill aren't you dear? She said leaning right over my by now prostrate body. "J..a..m..e..s," she continued "Is yourrrr h..u..s..b..a..n..d, are you with me dear?"
She does think I'm a half wit!
"And what's more.." she continued, patting the back of my hand, which I found very unnerving. "He walks and talks and breathes, and will p r o b a b l y be very happy to see you." she slowed down again!
"There, do you feel better?"
I stared at her.
"So......hang on, just bear with me Aunty Jean. This albie is breathing, James is breathing but Suzie - just then the balloon cloud appeared "?" isn't?" I sighed as if I'd climbed a mountain and lifted myself up onto my elbows.
"Am I right?"
"Where on earth is the nurse? You are becoming very 'em, agitated, yes that's the word."
Just tick a box I murmured, what the hell did it matter!
"Hang on, this err James, he isn't angry with me at all?
I moved my head from side to side in a very sarcastic manner waiting for the reply. "Yes?... No?"
"No dear, and don't be so insolent! He thinks what you did showed true devotion, beyond the call of what's it...and all that."
I put my hand to my mouth to stop, "And this James, he isn't by any chance as mad as you is he!?" I bit my lip to make sure. My nose and lip it seems were having a tough time of it lately.
"Christ, I need to be in hospital, Jees I am aren't I , which begs the question, where do you go for help?"
I must have passed out. When I came too there were no obvious signs of any mad people in my room except for me and a nurse clanging away at my chart. She caught my eye.
"Hello, poppet, you've had quite a set back haven't you?" she said in a shrill, over the top cheery voice.
"Got over excited a bit didn't we?"
"Did we? I thought I was holding my own, sorry to hear about your misfortune!" Great, I thought, another fruit loop!
"Could I see the doctor please." I asked her as she hurtled towards me to fluff up my pillows. She bustled about as if being chased by a demon.
"Now would be a good time." I said sarcastically.
"The Doctor, Mrs......em." She picked up my chart, "These bloody students, can't write to save their lives."
I liked her already despite her efficiency.
She snapped back into place the cold metallic chart. It rattled against the bed with a clatter.
"You missed the Doctors before as you were out cold but he gave you something. They are due back later on rounds, which is a good thing really."
"Is it? Why? Do tell."
"You have a visitor." She was engrossed in the bundle she had gathered from my chair beside my bed and the cabinet. I spotted pants and a bloodstained nightdress, and some socks but no restraints or anything, which had to be a good sign.
"Ahem, anyway he is up the corridor and is dying to see you and he was quite insistent about it. 'As soon as possible' she was jokingly trying to mimic his voice. The boom of it made me jump.
"That's him, that's who attacked me, he's here? Don't let him in, please don't let him in!"
"No one has attacked you Mrs ....., anyway you have not been attacked." she reached to feel my pulse and I pulled my arm away. "You are not listening, that's the voice who attacked me."
"Voices don't attack Mrs.. never mind. Will I send him up or I can tell him to come back, you are still very confused and over wrought."
"Yes, tell him to....."
Just then a mass of bright coloured flowers of every description poked through the door accompanied by a laugh, a great booming laugh.
"Great, more performing flowers, Jees!" I turned to the nurse. "Just get me the police, please." I begged
The flowers bowed and made an exit, in their place stood not a bad looking man, dark hair and eyes, but the fact his eyebrows seemed just too close together for comfort made me think I was onto something here.
The nurse by now had unwrapped my arm from around hers and put it back down on my bed patting the back of my hand before finally leaving it. This made me look at her.
"Nurse would you mind staying here just a few minutes longer?" I asked her.
"But darling" the stranger said.
I glanced at the nurse who didn't seem to be paying any attention to him. "But if your boyfriend is waiting for you to finish I won't keep you. I'll be okay."
The nurse laughed and she and the stranger looked at each other.
"No improvement then?" asked the stranger.
Yes, I thought, I could feel my head nodding in approval, just you keep him talking, the police will be here soon. I felt a sudden flip back to reality after my hysterical bout. Shit! She didn't call the police. I forgot.
The nurse took him to one side and spoke to him in a hushed voice. I managed to overhear some words, like memory hazy and still not with it and something about the doctors, as she played with her hair whilst blushing when he looked at her and spoke.
I was relieved the stranger hadn't come to see me after all. My mistake, I thought, could have been my attacker though.
"Hello, excuse me", I waved the wrong arm to get the nurse's attention.
"OOO! Shit!" This time I had nearly managed to tear the needle connecting my drip from my arm.
The nurse came straight to my aid. "You will have to be more careful."
She did her thing whilst I looked away then said, "I will leave the two of you now, I must get on."
I looked at her my blind panic welling up again. "It's not for you then?"
"What isn't?" She gave me a puzzled look.
She was in the path of the stranger and myself and I made a stabbing motion just short of her uniform. She looked down at the finger then to her uniform then to the stranger.
"Oh, no," she said laughing again, "it's for you, I mean, he's here to see you, it's your visitor."
"Oh God! Just kill me and get it over with."
I sunk down in my bed and the nurse grappled with me and my sheets. I didn't want to let go of them.
"Try and be calm, you are in good hands and now your husband is here. You already have him very worried. No one is trying to hurt you, no one has tried to hurt you, remember it is your injury Mrs..."
The stranger helped her out.
"Mrs Robart. Mrs Linda Robart and you are in a mess aren't you?"
The stranger advanced and the nurse retreated and my heart did a backward flip. Nothing was going to convince me otherwise that the stranger had found me and was here to finish me off. It was like one those seedy plots in a 'b' movie. Nothing until, all of a sudden the stranger flicked back his coat and brought from his pocket a wallet which he opened and he began to move forward. I flinched but had nowhere to move, If I moved any further back in my bed I would be in the next ward! The stranger let out a softer boom of laughter than I had heard before, somehow it didn't seem so menacing. He threw on the bed the wallet. I picked it up and there in the wallet was a photo of the same man and a woman, it was a nice picture, a happy picture.....
"That is you with me in the photo. Since I can't see any mirrors here, you may want to compare the hair in the picture with that piece sticking out from your bandage, there on the left." He wagged a finger at it.
I looked around and caught hanging down a small tendril which I did indeed notice to be the same colour as in the picture.
If you weren't in such a state, this would be very, very funny, hell, it is funny. Only you could get into this sort of mess."
I looked at him with disdain.
"What do you mean by that." I took great umbrage at that remark or at least I felt that I was right in doing so.
"Okay," I said, throwing back the wallet, but if you would be so kind as to bear with me and err, stay over there."
"Okay, Linda, sure" he was trying not to laugh. "Be so kind...I love it."
I was beginning to dislike this idiot standing before me, married or not.
"Poor thing, you are still very confused aren't you?"
"No, I replied, I thought I'd do this for a bet.....Of course I'm confused and frightened and sorry and......Who the hell is Suzie?"
I had gone again, it was too much being alone on this island.
Whatever it was I thought I'd done, whoever I thought I'd killed seemed to matter less and less to me, I'll plead insanity, I thought. I began to get more hazy flashes of memory but, ooh.. It was like trying to squeeze the last from a tube of toothpaste, I could force nothing.
"What have you to be sorry about, or, what do you think you have to be sorry about?" piped up the, strange husband or stranger husband. I laughed to myself as I mused inwardly.
"I think I may have killed a Suzie somewhere, somehow."
"Ah," he said, poor suzie.
"So there is a dead Suzie?" I shrieked.
"Calm down and don't start that again, Aunty Jean telephoned me about her weird afternoon here."
"Life killed Suzie, you just tidied things up a bit. Gave her back some dignity, not many people would have done that you know?"
Christ, I thought, being my husband didn't ring any bells but I sure as hell knew whose nephew he was!
"Albie," the stranger continued, "is moping about."
The mind boggled.
"Yes the albie, I mean Albie? I didn't kill an albie then?
This infuriating but handsome man with such warm eyes was laughing but at the same time desperately trying to humour me.
"And you are alive, obviously." I felt stupid.
"Last time I looked." he said and I couldn't help laugh, just a little.
"But Suzie, your, your....."
"My aunty Jean's dog, yes. What about her?
"Oh, Suzie is a dog, she, I mean it wasn't another woman, I mean the other woman....."
"This is ridiculous Linda, I don't care what the doctors say, You are in agony here torturing yourself, it is not funny any more. Listen to me. There is no other woman, you have killed no one, Suzie and Albie are dogs. Albie is our dog. Well, my dog, you dislike him intensely and we argue over him. Quite a lot actually.
He trailed off and stared at me intensely. Then shook his head and began to focus once more.
"Suzie is fine, I mean dead yes, but a lot better off. And, you didn't kill her. Her heart just gave up. You got into quite a mess considering she was dead. You had quite an advantage there. She could be quite vicious sometimes."
"Be serious and stick to the point please, I snapped at him."
"I am, I am. Okay, when I left you, after the argument, remember? Course you don't. I went to pick up Suzie, Aunty Jean's prize pooch and you know who aunty Jean is by now don't you..?"
He saw me stare daggers at him.
"Ahem, yes. You clearly remember Aunty Jean."
"Pork chops." I said
He looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders.
He stood up from his chair and proceeded to take a few steps and automatically drew with his finger an imaginary line between himself and me. I breathed again.
"Anyway, after the row, you were pretty angry and I left you to take it out on the house, which you wanted ready for Jean coming this weekend. I left you taking chunks out of the walls with the vacuum so I didn't want to bother you again. I was sometime because the hotel she was booked into would not allow Suzie. So I had to drive all the way back to our house with Suzie and I put her in the spare room."
"A ha!" shot forth making me sound like an idiot again.
He was in fits of laughter but carried on his 'book at bedtime'.
"Hang on. So, after depositing Suzie, I could hear you still ranting and raving above the vacuum cleaner so I left again to see to Aunty Jean."
"Does suzie have black eyes, as black as night itself?"
"You've gone again." came the reply.
"I know what you were up to even if Jean doesn't. If you thought Albie was bad, and you did, compared to suzie he's a picture, but the poor thing was dying."
"You crept up on poor albie, despite what I said and what we argued over, and tried to cut off his hair, which I was getting round to doing something about by the way but you never listen, you, you....Delilah!"
The boom of laughter that followed nearly gave me a coronary.
"Oh, sorry."
I decided to leave you to work off your anger and I, considering our argument went to look for Albie to take him to a grooming parlour somewhere in town. I couldn't find him anywhere and I went to check in on Suzie and he and 'poor' Suzie were at it plain as day. I didn't know what to do, but luckily the whole thing was soon over. Then Suzie acted very strange and panted and howled, I shouted for you, but then she keeled over and there was nothing, poor Albie howled like a possessed demon and wouldn't let me go near her. I grabbed him and threw him in the hallway and laid Suzie down on the spare bed. She was definitely a goner. So I thought I'd take Albie, leave him at the groomers and go to Aunty Jean's Hotel and break the bad news to her. She asked if suzie could stay where she was until the next day when she would see to all the arrangements, so I said yes. I thought once you saw Albie all clipped and clean you wouldn't mind Suzie being there.
"That explains the eyes."
"What's with the eyes?" he asked.
"Did this, sorry, habit, did Suzie have black, black eyes?"
"Oh, the eyes, black as the night itself kind of eyes?"
"Pig." I rallied.
"Yes she did actually, that was the only thing that separated her and Albie, him having brown eyes, quite light brown eyes. Why?" he looked confused.
"That's what made me jump and that's where it all began.
"You should have told me what you were doing and what was happening. Jees, I could murder you right now, may as well be hung for a sheep as well as a lamb....... Hang on, that doesn't apply now does it. I'm not a serial killer anymore, you brainless, self centred, pig headed..."
I was cut off in my prime.
"You're back aren't you?
"Dam right I'm back you thoughtless, stupid, arrogant....arsehole. You can't even tell when something is dead or not!"
"Oh, but what about my nose? I sank into my pillows like a sorrowful child."
"Well, it's not that bad, we, I mean they can rebuild you." He was laughing at me again. "I've always wanted to say that!"
He continued. "If you had taken more care of yourself and not your precious, bloody carpet, you wouldn't be here today, right now, and gone through all of this."
"Don't start on the carpets again and don't you dare lay any of this..... this crap at my door.......................... ."
THE END
A Very Hairy Affair!
It got a little slow in the conversation with dear Auntie Jean, but that drawn out exchange added to the sense of frustration and confusion. Good work!
Re: A Very Hairy Affair!
*Try and stop me*
Linear Mode
