Synopsis: Boy meets corpse. Boy falls in love with corpse. Boy marries corpse.
Let me introduce myself, my name's Damien DeVille, you can just call me Double D. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that my life's just a little different then yours...well, actually my life's just a little different then most peoples. What separates me from all the norms of society you ask? Well, for starters I'm married to a corpse. Yes, you read that right, a corpse.
Don't be too hasty to judge me however as this is no ordinary corpse, or living impaired as the wife prefers to be called. Oh no, this is the cutest little dead girl you've ever seen. I tell you, she's something else.
I still remember the night we met like it was yesterday. My buddy and I were out robbing graves, which was nothing out of the ordinary as we did that every Saturday Night, when we came upon a headstone. The birth date inscribed on it was exactly the same as mine. I thought that was somewhat interesting, but didn't really give it too much thought at that moment.
So, we dug up the grave, and pulled the casket out of the earth, but little did I know that the love of my life was awaiting me six feet under the ground. I remember taking a crowbar and prying off the lid...and laying there before me was the most beautiful dead body I had ever seen in my life.
It's hard to explain how I felt at that moment in my life as I laid my eyes on what would become the beautifully grotesque bride I now wake up to every morning. As you can imagine she was missing quite a bit of flesh, as she'd been buried for nearly a year. The worms had made a meal out of her, while the groundhogs brought her the mail. But, even in her advanced state of decomposition, she was just so lovely.
I remember shouting at my buddy, "Dude, I'm in love!" To which he quickly responded, "Awesome bro, can I be the best man at your wedding?" And, he was. It only took a few weeks of dating before me and the little woman decided to tie the not.
Of course it was not easy finding a pastor to preside over a living/dead marriage. They usually frown upon that kind of thing. So, I just paid off the local judge, who also happens to be the town drunk. But, a very nice fellow once he's had a few shots. And, after a few drinks he graciously agreed to marry us.
We made preparations, and got hitched at the Vincent Price Memorial Cemetery. It was a gorgeous full moon that night. I can still hear the wolves howling and see the midnight fog that surrounded us.
My buddy didn't really live to see the end of the wedding, though. He thought it would be a cool idea to release a couple of vampire bats after the judge pronounced us man and wife...but as it turned out, the bats were sort of rabid. They bit him and he took off running like a scared deer right into an oncoming bloodmobile, of all things. Knocked his head clean off. I had told him before the ceremony, don't lose your head trying to do anything special for us, but I suppose he didn't hear me.
I can't say that having a dead girl as my lover has not been a challenge, though. There have been plenty of complications and many a sacrifice, sometimes their human, sometimes their animal. I recall one time in particular that I left my girl out in the sun a bit too long. She wanted to get a tan, because she was looking pretty pale. Oh my, did the neighbors raise Cain about the smell, not to mention all the flies. Then there's the problem of taking her shopping, which always presents a challenge. You have to have one shopping cart for your goodies, and another for her to ride in. I could just take one cart, but it tends to fill up very fast with a dead body inside. Plus, it's not so comfortable for her riding around with all those TV dinners piled up on top of her. And then there's the problem off being pulled over by the police repeatedly and charged with murder for having a deceased human being in my passenger seat.
One of the perks though is that she is one heck of a lover! Just one kiss, and she falls to pieces...then I have to put her back together again. And, I do have to work out the rigor mortis every day, or she gets all stiff. But, once we hit the bed, wow! She's a freak I tell you! Oh, I'll just stop there, wouldn't want to embarrass the little lady when she reads this.
But, all in all I have to say that marrying a corpse was the best decision I ever made in my life. I love my beautiful dead wife!
This did tend to read like a stand up comics script (if they have one)....but stranger things have happened. did i ever tell you about..anyway gruesomelly humorous. but strangely, she was well accepted by the community...
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what the..... lol, funny stuff i enjoyed that and it had a smooth rythm so i know what lubesh is talking about when she says it sounded like a comics script.
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The world looks left...I look right
LoL this was darkly humorous, which I suppose is why its in the dark section. The story was definitely of the tongue-in-cheek variety, but it worked and I was totally entertained throughout. I like the part about him taking her to the mall and carrying her around in a grocery cart-classic! Also, when his friend got decapitated I nearly burst out laughing.
So wrong, but yet so right. Good job.
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What but design of darkness to appall?--
If design govern in a thing so small.
I've seen something like that but this is slightly different and way better. Good job dude!
Oh! I read this stuff in a local newspaper. It's real. The different thing is this guy married a live woman that turned looking like a corpse suddenly after a few years.
__________________ I'm sick of screams! Why don't you just die?!
That was funny - especially the corpse "falling to bits" after one kiss. Very tongue in cheek, but as the story seems to be intended for adults, it could be even more so.
I believe "Saturday Night," should just be "Saturday night."
A mistake in spacing but that can't be helped sometimes, I know.
"That night the moon was full gorgeously full."
Morbidly hilarious. The detailing of the neighbors, the cops, and sex in itself could be a second story. If there were more details about the grave digging and with marriage ceremony, it would make for a more compelling story.
Lubesh is right, this is an introduction of a dark joke of sort.
I thought it was OK. I liked how you kept an absurd situation in sort of realistic world (e.g. how the character doesn't take his dead wife out, for fear of arrest).
The writing was strong, the concept; not so sure.
I'm sick of screams! Why don't you just die?!
Since I'm not picky, I had no problem with your writing style. none at all
Re: Graveyard Ghoulfriend
Good pace to the story. A little over the top in some areas but it fits perfectly with the style. A great piece.
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