[Zoidberg]

Synopsis: A Boy wakes up in an Abandoned house and strange things have happened.

Author's Note: Now, I wrote this story like a year ago, and at first it was just a story. I have now decided to make it into a sort of series that tells the events of people who at first do not know each other but eventually work together. (And yes, I actually will get at least two parts done this time!) As a hint of what might happen, think "Jericho".

~

The boy woke up with a start. His palms and forehead were sweaty, his legs trembling. He was dressed in a periwinkle blue T-shirt and blue jeans. He scanned the room he was in, blue wallpaper with pictures of golden retrievers printed on it. It was his room, but it was different. The dresser in the corner was gone, the window on the other side of his room was boarded up, and the carpet was torn and dirty. The bed he was in was stiff and hard, and it creaked as he sat upright.

The child looked around the room again and rubbed his eyes. Where was he? How did he get here? Where were his parents? Where was his dog? He got up and walked out of the room and into the hallway. The wooden floors creaked at every step.

He walked out into the living room. The furniture was missing, all but one dresser. The floor was dirty and unkempt. The single dresser against the wall loomed like a bad omen, its secrets waiting to be unlocked. He walked over to the dresser and inspected it thoroughly. Ages' worth of dust covered it. Its stubby legs were rotting. The boy opened one of the drawers and peered in. Nothing was inside except some old pictures. He looked through the other drawers; all were empty. He looked around and walked into the kitchen.

The kitchen was old, like the rest of the house. A small wooden table lined with chairs stood in the middle of the room. The cupboard doors were missing on some of the cupboards and he searched each one for anything they might hold. He found nothing but a book of matches and a few broken dishes.

He walked out the back door from the kitchen into the backyard. He looked around the area. The place was almost silent; a crow cawed on top of a large tree and the sound of the swing set creaking in the wind filled the air. He looked at the doghouse at the foot of the hill outside. It was old and decrepit, its rotting roof collapsing into itself.

He walked back into the house, his head down. What was going on? He took a chair out of the dining room and sat in the living room. He took some pictures out of the dresser to try to console himself. He looked through them, one by one. Most of the pictures were of the boy with his dog, or the boy with his parents. He saw how happy they all were together. He shuffled through them and started to cry. His tears dripped down onto the pictures and slid off the sides. He tried to control himself.

He held back his tears, but then one picture caught his eye. It was a picture of his parents standing side by side. The dog was at the mother’s feet and the boy was on his father’s shoulders. What startled the boy was in the background. Up on the hill behind the family was a tall, dark figure. The figure looked like a man, but the details were vague and out of focus. The figure was standing there, watching them.

Jefferey started trembling. All of a sudden, an earsplitting ringing chimed in his ears and he suddenly got a terrible migraine. Then, he had what seemed to be a vision. He could see himself, running through the woods, ducking under trees and jumping over rotting logs, being chased by two men. Their features were vague, just as in the pictures, but the aura their presence gave off was menacing. The boy tried to wake up from this nightmare, but couldn’t. His migraine got worse and worse. He watched himself run out of the woods and into his house, and shut the door behind him.

The vision stopped. The ringing in his ears dulled and eventually ceased, and his migraine faded away. He sat there for a moment, stunned at what had just happened. His mind was on the verge of collapsing from the enormous amounts of stress and the mysteries surrounding the events occuring. What was going on? He looked at the date of the picture. In faint, yellow letters it read 5/14/07. The leaves outside were just starting to turn red, so it must have been a few months ago.

Jefferey screamed from the shock of his vision and threw the pictures down onto the ground. He put his hands over his face and was about to cry when all of a sudden, he heard a noise from outside. He wiped away the tears welling from his eyes and ran out the back door.

The boy looked up at the top of the hill, only to see a man. The man’s details were blurry because of the distance between him and the boy. The man was striding among the tall grass at the top of the hill. In his hands was what looked like a large stick. He moved with graceful agility and paid no attention to Jefferey as he ran into the woods.

The boy was furious all of a sudden. He wasn’t sure why, but a blanket of rage and hate draped over him. Jefferey sprinted up the hill towards where the man had vanished. He walked into the woods a little ways and surveyed the perimeter.

All of a sudden, he had a terrible migraine. Something told him to move, to get out of their quick. The boy turned his head and jumped to the side.

Ffppptt. It sounded like someone had opened a brand new jar of peanuts. It was a precise shot, but the launched dart had missed the boy and lodged itself into the oak tree due to his sudden intuition to move. The boy took a quick glance at the tree and sped towards the house. The sound was all around him as he ran. Ffppptt. Ffppptt. Ffppptt. Ffppptt. Ffppptt. Each shot missed him and Jefferey made it to the house quickly at his breakneck speed. He almost tripped twice, but recovered quickly and kept running.

The boy entered the house and shut the door without looking back. He ran into his room and jumped onto the bed. He lay there until night, and stayed awake even when the silent hold of sleep creeped upon him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sunlight trickled gently through the cracks of the boarded window, falling on Jefferey's face. His eyes were weary and tired from his lack of sleep, but he fought against his fatigue valiantly. He got up and walked into the living room. A crack in the ceiling dripped from the last night’s rain. He stood underneath the crack and looked up. He allowed the dripping water to splash onto his face, refreshing him. He stood there for a few seconds, then moved into the kitchen. It was the same. Jefferey, now refreshed from the splatter of cool water, wiped his face and thought hard, and then he had it.

He took the matches out of one of the cupboards in kitchen. He made his way down the stairs to the basement. Once at the bottom of the stairway, he struck one of the matches. Using this as his only light, he navigated himself through the basement.

A small dark figure scurried across the floor. The rat made its way between the boy’s legs and back into the darkness. Jefferey jumped and nearly dropped the match on himself. After regaining his composure, Jefferey once again worked his way to his dad’s old workbench. Once there, he searched through the drawers to find what he was looking for.

A few old screwdrivers were lying around. He was almost halfway through his search when his match had burned through. He struck another one and continued with his hunt. At last, hanging from a rack above the tool bench, he found it. A large hacksaw with an orange handle swayed gently back and forth on its hook. The boy stood on his tiptoes and reached for it. He pulled it down when his match went out. He lit another one and went on his way. He navigated the basement with his measly light source and finally found his way back to the stairway after a few more matches.

Jefferey worked his way up the stairs and into the kitchen. There, he went to work. The boy took the wooden table in the kitchen and flipped it on its side. He took the hacksaw and started to saw one of the table legs off. The rusty hacksaw still worked perfectly and the boy was done in a few minutes.

Jefferey took the table leg and swung it a couple times. The sound of the rush of air against the table leg pleased him. He smiled smugly.

Table leg in hand, Jefferey walked out the back door and up onto the hill. He climbed up the hill, the sun directly above him. When he reached the top, he headed into the woods. He looked around. One of his migraines came back and he leaned to the side just to barely dodge a dart zipping past him. The boy turned and there stood a man, about six feet tall staring down at him. The man lunged at Jefferey, but was met face-first with the end of the table leg as it swung through the air. The man fell to the ground, out cold.

Jefferey turned around again to see another man, dressed in a black suit just as the first, come towards him. Jefferey waved the table leg at the man threateningly, but as he was, a third man grabbed him from behind.

Jefferey felt his muscles tense up as his hands flew backwards, attempting to strike his oppressor. The table leg feebly knocked against the man's head, then fell to the ground. He struggled diligently in the man's grasp, but felt his strength leave him.

Still in a Full Nelson, Jefferey was swung around and held tightly. Ffppptt. Ffppptt. Ffppptt. The boy felt a sharp jolt of pain as three darts were shot into his stomach. He cried out and fell asleep.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The helicopter landed gently in the clearing near the woods. Out of it stepped a tall man. The Lieutenant General walked over to one of the men from the retrieval team.

“Report,” he said sharply.

The man in the black jumpsuit replied. “Sir,” he began and gave a salute, “We have an escaped subject in our custody.”

“I know that, but give me the details. Who was this guy anyway?”

“A mere child sir, Jefferey Adams, maybe around the age of 12.”

“A kid? What was so special about this one?”

“Our reports show that he has,” the officer looked down at his clipboard and flipped the page. He cleared his throat. “He has, ‘Strong Precognitive Extrasensory Perception’.”

“So, you got him successfully?”

“Yes Sir, he’s sedated and in the transport copter.”

“Good. Any casualties?”

“No sir, although one of our men is unconscious from head trauma,”

The sergeant looked around and then grunted with satisfaction. “So, why did the kid come here?”

“Well, Sir, we captured the family about two months ago. A little while later at the Agency, the kid outsmarted us and escaped. He ran to the only place he knew as a safe place, his home. Although he had no recollection of the capture due to the mind-wiping drugs we gave him, he knew enough to escape because of his premonitions.”

“Okay, I want a report of this on my desk in a week. Get this kid outta’ here and get him to the Agency now.”

“Yes Sir,”

And with that, the Lieutenant General stepped back into his helicopter and the pilot flew them away into the distance.

[Gurdit]

Well, so start off with, I should say you're very good with editing. Got your edits done superquick and you're keen on learning .

Anyway, about the story now:

Well, I don't quite understand why the house has been ransacked. But even if it has been, why are the pictures still left behind in the dresser? And it's kinda hard to imagine that the wood on the dresser has begun rotting in only two months of neglect. But these are just minor flaws, they don't really take away from your story.

The story itself seems very interesting. You look like you've got something big planned and I really feel like I want to follow through on this story. Your writing style is simple and fluid. I personally think you could make the descriptions a little more ... romantic ... if you want (remember the passive voice example). I think what you can do is to experiment a little with writing a little differently than you're used to.

Overall though, good effort and that's why it's in the Advanced Section

[Zoidberg]

First of all, thank you for putting this in advanced! About the parts with the dresser rotting, I did kind of go a little overboard with that. About the passive voice, I'll try to work on that a little more.

I do have something big planned, and I hope this all comes together okay.

Thanks for all your help with the editing. I needed it!

[Coadmaster]

I really like this story, DnD ^ ^ very stream of conscious-y at the beginning. I can see why this is in the advanced section. One thing that caught me though.

He lay there until night, and even then he did not feel tired. He didn’t get a wink of sleep that night.

His eyes were weary and tired, but he fought against his fatigue valiantly.

Sort of contradicts itself there. But a simple fix, and everything else seems to be ship-shape and doing good. Keep up the good work! ^ ^

[Zoidberg]

Yes, I suppose it does contradict itself, doesn't it? I'll fix it.

Thanks again for the comment!

[timtornado3721]

This should definitely have a sequel, you built so much up already that you should continue explaining the kid's extrasensory preception and why the military would need him. You've already dug the hole and gotten everyone excited, might as well go to China right?

[Ambrose]

So why did the suits leave Jeffery alone in the house and wait for him to come attack them in the forest? What were they doing in the forest with blow darts anyway?

I like the beginning. It causes the reader to ask a lot of questions and a curious reader is a happy reader. I don't however like how the story progresses with Jeffery going to extra effort to saw off a table leg and charge his attackers head-on when he's suppose to have extrasensory perception. Seems a bit dumb.

Also the end with the guy explaining everything to the general is not interesting to read. Figure out another way to divulge the boy's back story to us.

@timtornado, nah, that should be come

[timtornado3721]

You're right never mind then, just had to read it again...

[RENA HANDS]

I have learned that one cannot rush into GREATNESS, but take small steps towards REMARKABLE…

So with that said, I think the delivery of the story could be more fluent and more in depth.

What about something like…and he searched each one for its content.

You are I think using ‘He’ too much. Of course I too have this problem, but I’m striving to work that.

There must be a more fluent way of referring your character as ‘the boy.’ I just don’t know it. (ex. Most of the pictures were of him and his dog.) Please consult an editor.

How does one, the boy think one moment he doesn’t know himself, then suddenly remember that he has a dog and that people in the photo with him are his parents? I mean what is the extent of his amnesia?

And now suddenly, your character has a name? How did he come to discover it? I think are ‘jumping’ from one action/thought to another without giving time to absorb the scene.

You are using ‘rotting’ too much. I suggest finding other words for it.

The migraine scene and its effect to the body could be more in depth.

What was there that indicated five months ahead of May of 07?

What was Jeffery running over or against that made him nearly ‘trip twice?’ You are missing a lot of details here.

So he just ran away from his hunters and jumped into bed for safety? How realistic is this?

The ‘refreshing scene’ could be more in depth.

The ‘hunting scene’ for whatever it was in dad’s workbench, it too could be more in depth and read less awkwardly.

So these ‘migraines’ are a warning of sorts? These warnings/indications could be more in depth.

The actions are too rushed and vague. You don’t even describe or refer back to their look. Also the fighting scene was flat and boring.

When one falls from being hit by a ‘dart,’ they wouldn’t fall asleep, but rather just ‘blackout.’

How does one know that this man was Lieutenant General? What of his attire indicates this?

How do the ‘agents’ know so much about Jeffery Adams without giving action into their investigation of him?

Are you going to later illustrate how the ‘boy’ out smarted the ‘agents?’ How did they capture him and his family in the first place? I hope the second installment will be more detailed. A rating so far of 2/5!

[Aiculik]

The story is interesting, especially if read as one chapter of something bigger, it intrigues reader to find out why army destroyed Jefferey's house in the first place, why they captured his family and where the camp is. But it also has some defects that spoil reading, at least for me. It has potential, but there is still a lot of work on it.

• the main character is first "the boy", then "the child" and then suddenly Jefferey. You should decide if you want to have it from his point of view (in that case, use Jefferey all the time) or if you want to tell it from the point of view of neutral observer, or or whatever it's called in English (in that case, use "the boy" all the time)
• maybe it's just me, but his reactions after he wakes up are bit illogical - he recognizes his room, yet he wonders where he is. And he immediately also wonders where his parents and the dog are, although he hadn't even left the room yet. I mean, he probably didn't share the room with his parents, so how could he know they were gone? Especially if he couldn't remember anything?
• lack of emotions - if I woke up one day and found out my room was destroyed, I'd jump out of the bed and run out and call my parents and my dog by its name, I'd look into every room and if the house was empty, I'd be scared, I'd cry, I'd panick... or, if I didn't remember that this was my room, I'd wonder where am I and how did I got there and search whole house thoroughly to find other people. I'd at least shout "is anyone here" or "someone please help", something like that.
  But Jefferey doesn't do anything of that. He knows he's in his house, but instead looking for his parents, he is peering into drawers in the living room, then he goes to the kitchen, still no emotions, then to the backyard... when he finds the photos, he finally begins to cry, but for some reason he decides not to behave like any normal child and to held back his tears.
• no atmosphere... the descriptions of destroyed furniture are not enough to make me feel worried or to sympathise with Jefferey. In fact when he calmly went to the basement and searched for the hacksaw I stopped being worried for him and instead begun to suspect him.
• the soldier says they captured the family approximately two monhts ago - but the house seem to be uninhabited for years
• how come the common soldier is better informed than general? doesn't the general care that someone with Jefferey's powers escaped? I mean, if it was so important to capture his family, I'd expect the general would know about it and that he would be mad at the soldiers for letting him escape and would demand the report on his table in an hour, not in a week! If you want to give explanation anyway, make the general the one who gives it but not to the soldier, but to someone else...

In short: add emotions, create and atmosphere, make it more mysterious and make make the final part less explanatory and more dramatic.

[Lubesh]

I enjoyed the clean thrust of this, but thinking it was me a bit i read some comments. It does for all the eventts /happenigns lack padding, nuances and a bit more word power to back that up. Other than that it kept me there..tho I didin't ntoice half of what the ohers have, I ddi begin to question some things re consistency logicality etc, and it is ahrd to keep on top of all that as uplot and write, but i get absorbed lol Keep going!

[ea_blue]

I am definitely enjoying the way the story is progressing. It's got my interest so, of course, I want to know what happens next. I like the spunkiness and the fight in Jefferey. A protagonist has got to have some of that after all. The "Agents" are interesting too. And of course I want to know more about the "Agency" they represent.

I notice that some commenters pointed out that the house wouldn't decay so much in only two months. I didn't catch that, though I think they're correct. I still like the imagery in the beginning. It's creepy and unsettling as I am sure you intended. Maybe the time frame could be changed to accommodate the setting?

Here's some dings/thoughts to point out:

The boy opened one of the drawers peered in

I think you need "and peered in".

and the sound of the swing set screeching in the wind

Screeching seems a strong word for it. Maybe "creaking" instead?

Their features were vague, just as the pictures,

This suggests the pictures were vague. If you rewrote it to "just as in the pictures" it would mean the real-life guy was vague looking like he was in the pictures

what was happening. What was going on? He looked at the date of the picture. It was 5/14/07.

Was, was, was! Yuck! "Was" and "were" are used far too many times in the whole text. Passive verbs suck the life out of writing. Whether writing a business letter, a love letter, or a story about Captain Tom the space hero, passive verbs steal the energy away from whatever you try to express. Some folks don't care to hear about this from me, but I stand by the concept. Three writing instructors and the essays of three other best-selling authors all say the same thing. So it's definitely worth thinking about. I recently gave up on a book because it bored me so much. Why? The story ran along just fine; the excessive passive verb use alone killed it for me.

and threw the pictures down onto the ground.

Isn't he inside? So shouldn't he throw the pictures on the "floor" instead?

but a blanket of rage and hate draped over him

Nice! This is a powerful phrase.

Ffppptt. It sounded like someone had opened a brand new jar of peanuts.

Beautiful! I love this simile.

The man lunged at Jefferey, but was met face-first with the end of the table leg

Ooh friggin' rah! Nice one, Jefferey!

Still in a full nelson,

I wonder if it shouldn't be capitalized because a Full Nelson is a very specific wrestling maneuver. I also would like this struggle (the whole paragraph) to play out a little more or at least get more description. This scene is important and needs to be milked.

mind-wiping drugs we gave him at the agency,

Second time "at the agency" was used in a short paragraph. I don't think you need it.

into his helicopter, and the pilot flew

I think you can drop the comma in this

This is a great plot concept and a very good beginning. Looking forward to see how it plays out.

[Zoidberg]

Ea, I'm not sure if I will continue this series or not. I will correct these though, just in case. Thank you very much for the comments.

Lu, I could have sworn I posted a response to your comment. Thank you very much for the comments on both stories.