[Zoidberg]

Synopsis: A continuation of my unnamed series that began with 'Alone'. You hear about a man, Mike Wilkes, who is being chased by the agents.



A bead of sweat dropped from Mike’s forehead as he raced through the house, looking for any form of protection. The three men outside were still casually knocking on his door. They pretended to be friendly, but Mike knew who they really were.

He sprinted into the kitchen, bare feet squeaking on the blue linoleum floor. Looking for a weapon, he reached into a drawer and pulled out a steak knife. Too small. A few pieces of cutlery hung from a rack above the kitchen sink. He unhooked the cleaver and looked at it. It glinted in the in the sun from the window, smiling at him. He smiled back.

The knock at the door got louder and more urgent.

“Mr. Wilkes, we know you’re in there,” the voice said menacingly.

“Just a minute,” he replied. He tried to keep them from suspecting he was on to them. He looked out the kitchen window to the front porch where the three men stood. All of them were dressed identically, black suits, black ties, white undershirts. All three of them wore dark black sunglasses. A black Cadillac was parked in the driveway. Its windows were tinted completely black. To the untrained eye, they looked like FBI, but they were much worse.

Each agent, just like the rest, had been trained for at least fifteen years in some form of martial arts, was more experienced with a gun than most marines, and had an IQ of at least 125. They were the most cold, unfeeling, hateful beings employed by the U.S. government. He had killed many in the past with his powers, but he couldn’t face that monster again. He had to deviate to more conventional means.

Cleaver in hand, he walked to the door, hiding the weapon behind his back. “Yes?” he asked pleasantly as he opened it.

“Mr. Wilkes, you need to come with us,” the leader said. The other two remained silent. Both sides were obviously conning each other, but who would strike first was unclear.

“Okay, let me just get my—” Mike swung the cleaver. It struck the leader in the neck, and blood spurted from the wound. The agent fell to the ground, dead.

Just as quickly as Mike struck, the two other agents whipped out their pistols. They began firing. Two bullets hit Mike’s left shoulder; another hit him in the chest. Mike didn’t care at all. His abilities had boosted his adrenaline to the point that he couldn’t feel pain.

Mike swung the cleaver again and struck the second agent in the face, slicing off a piece of flesh. The agent went down, screaming. The third agent continued firing, but to no use.

Mike tried to hold back his rage, but it was overwhelming him. Adrenaline coursed through his bloodstream. Finally, the strain was too much and he let all his anger flow out of him. His muscles expanded to three times their normal size, making him extremely powerful.

Mike smiled in satisfaction as he noticed the agent cringe in fear. Before the man could react, Mike reached forward and crushed his skull between his palms with the slightest effort, staining Mike's hands and the front porch with blood.

Now relying on pure instinct, Mike ran out into the yard. He had to get out of there, and fast. More agents could be at the house any minute. By now his wounds had healed completely, and three pieces of slag from the bullets pushed out of his skin.

A buzzing sound filled the air, gradually growing louder. Mike looked up. A Blackhawk Helicopter flew through the air towards Mike’s ranch. It drifted menacingly towards him, flaunting its M134 Miniguns.

'Looks like they sent in the cavalry,' Mike thought. The sound of bullets ripping through the air echoed throughout the property. A few hit Mike, piercing his flesh and splattering deep red streaks of blood on the grass. In his current state, Mike could not back down from a challenge.

As the helicopter neared him, Mike got ready to attack. It was almost thirty feet above him when he pounced directly into a barrage of bullets, his enormous calf muscles propelling him into the air. They cut through him like paper, and for a second he cringed in pain. A few dozen bullets made their home in Mike's flesh, sending him spiraling out of the air. He landed face first on the ground, his gigantic neck muscles holding his vertabrae in place.

He stood up and readied himself for another attempt. As the copter neared, Mike leaped upward and was smashed with the front of the helicopter. He began to slip off the smooth shielding, and could feel his exposed feet dangling. He kicked them around to find something to hold on to. Finally, his foot reached the landing gear, and he pulled himself up and onto the cockpit shielding.

The pilot looked up, emotionlessly at the huge monster on his helicopter. He began to maneuver the copter left and right, trying to shake Mike off him. Mike's grip proved too much for the Agent, and the monster remained stalwart on the front of the copter.

Using all his might, Mike pounded his fists on the shielding, and eventually it shattered. The pilot panicked and ran for the side doors, leaving the controls behind. Mike managed to swing himself into the helicopter, and grabbed the man. He took him by his ankle and smashed him into the floor of the copter. Blood and brains jetted from the stump that was once his head, smothering the controls in vibrant red and chunks of pink.

With no pilot to steer it, the Blackhawk veered through the air, left, right, down, up, left, down, down. Mike walked up to the hole in the cockpit where he could escape, but every step he took threw the copter off course even further. He decided to try to head back to the side door, but the helicopter veered again, until it began a complete downward spiral. Mike braced himself for impact as it crashed into the ranch, sending huge chunks rubble and dust into the air. A cacophony of light and noise exploded on the horizon, noticed by only one man.

[Coadmaster]

I really enjoy this one ^ ^ Nothing really to correct in this one, I'd say. I rnjoy Mike; he's like the incredible hulk XD. Anyway, thanks for another good read!

[Zoidberg]

Thanks, Coadmaster. I guess he is kinda like the hulk, but he isn't green.

Thanks for the comment!

[timtornado3721]

So this is a sequel to "Alone"? So far there seems to be some information missing between Alone and Rage. If the two are connected in some way shouldn't you expand on that bridge so the reader can see the connection? So far so good, no mistakes I could see either. The story could definitely use some beefing up between the boy in Alone and Mike in Rage.

[RENA HANDS]

Maybe say something like and make a reference to something of the men’s attire that would indicate danger…They exuded friendliness, but their black sunglasses, pressed matching suits stated either wise. OR maybe make a note of a concealed gun under their clothing.

It wouldn’t be ‘the voice,’ wouldn’t it be ‘a menacingly voice?’

Hey look there’s the ‘black suits.’

We are going to learn later how Mike came to know such facts about these men who could fight better than the Marines?

Something more stronger than ‘conning,’…Each side were manipulating the other, but who would strike first?

Are your tenses correct? I wanted to mention something in the previous installment, but I wasn’t sure.

You are ‘jumping’ again with the actions. A cleaver is thrown, lodges in one’s neck, spurts blood and then the man dies? I don’t think so.

Something more stronger than the original…His abilities to boost his adrenaline…the rush safeguarded/diverted him from any pain.

So at some point in the ‘struggle,’ Mike managed to pull the cleaver from the first man’s neck then threw into the second?

The adrenaline did more than just ‘coursed through his bloodstream,’ what else did it change of his body, actions?

Which ‘muscles’ expanded in size?

Where you are ‘crushing the agent’s skull,’ you are using Mike’s name too much.

If Mike tried to conceal himself from the ‘agents,’ then why would he now want to confront the men in the helicopter? Just for a challenge?

What brought Mike into the air?

The whole ‘flight/fight scene’ is crap to be blunt. The story is dull. There arew ways to improve your ideas; imagery, actions, emotions expressed/felt, but I have no way or poaint to start.

A rating of 1/5!

[Lubesh]

Simple , which isa good thing and clearly told. You might in future want to re think your approach re technical/grammar...using more imagination as there are from the openinga lot of 'He' when there r other wasy to avoid this.

If you would like your title amended let me know....Emphasising the series and that this is a part (2).

Will you be writing more?

[Zoidberg]

Thanks, Lu, for the comments on both stories.

I don't know if I will change the title. I have decided to abandon this series, for my own reasons.

Thanks very much for the comments!

[iwrite4areason]

I don't think you should abandon this series Dan. It might be a little gruesome, but the writing is really good! You're a good writer Dan!
One thing I did notice, which was really distracting, was your use of he's and him's.

He sprinted into the kitchen, his bare feet squeaking on the blue linoleum floor. He looked for a knife; he reached into a drawer and pulled out a steak knife. Too small. He looked up at a few pieces of cutlery hanging from a rack above the kitchen sink. He unhooked the cleaver and looked at it. It glinted in the in the sun from the window, smiling at him. He smiled back.

Just within this one short paragraph there are eight different occurances which really don't all need to be there. What if you wrote it like this?

He sprinted into the kitchen,bare feet squeaking on the blue linoleum floor. Looking for a weapon he reached into a drawer and pulled out a steak knife. Too small. A few pieces of cutlery hung from a rack above the kitchen sink. He unhooked the cleaver and looked at it. It glinted in the in the sun from the window, smiling at him. He smiled back.

This eliminates a lot of your repetitive words and helps the story flow a lot faster and keeps the reader moving forward. If you like it, I would suggest trying it with the rest of the piece as well.

I wouldn't give up on this piece altogether Dan. Its got potential!

[Vorcla]

Interesting. Kit makes some great points about economizing your verbiage, but the story itself is taut and well told. You should keep going with it.

[Zoidberg]

I don't think you should abandon this series Dan. It might be a little gruesome, but the writing is really good! You're a good writer Dan!

Oh, thank you.

Just within this one short paragraph there are eight different occurances which really don't all need to be there. What if you wrote it like this?

Quote:
He sprinted into the kitchen,bare feet squeaking on the blue linoleum floor. Looking for a weapon he reached into a drawer and pulled out a steak knife. Too small. A few pieces of cutlery hung from a rack above the kitchen sink. He unhooked the cleaver and looked at it. It glinted in the in the sun from the window, smiling at him. He smiled back.

This eliminates a lot of your repetitive words and helps the story flow a lot faster and keeps the reader moving forward. If you like it, I would suggest trying it with the rest of the piece as well.

I will get right on that. While reading it, I realized that it did get repetitive.

Thanks to Kristen and Rick, because I am now probably going to continue the series.

[ea_blue]

I personally enjoyed this a lot. It throws you right into the action with a chase. The first line, " A bead of sweat dropped from Mike’s forehead as he raced through the house" is a great hook that establishes a high level of energy. You maintain that throughout this piece (chapter?).

I don't see much connection between this and the previous other than the agents. But it could easily be your switching to another viewpoint and introducing another character. It think that's totally acceptable.

A number of the lines in this were inspired, like this one...

Both sides were obviously conning each other, but who would strike first was unclear.

I like the tension this creates a lot.

I think the combat with the chopper could have been drawn out a little more. For instance, when Mike jumps into the stream of bullets you just let that go by with little comment. The M134 minigun fires 6,000 7.62mm NATO rounds per minute or 100 rounds in a second. That's a HUGE firing rate. So if Mike jumps into the bullet stream we can safely say he got hit by 30 rounds, just one being powerful enough to take down an eight-point Stag! Even with triple the muscle mass, he's going to feel it and it's going to hurt a lot. He should have to struggle through that and still overcome it through sheer force of will - and really terrific healing. That's worth a lot of description and earns pathos points for Mike if he has to struggle hard to succeed. Then, when the helicopter is out of control and crashing, milk that a little. Let us feel the chaos of being inside of a spinning chopper and Mike's struggle to survive it. I think that would really give this part a lot of energy.

I think this is great stuff and I want to read more. I was pretty disappointed when I read earlier that you weren't planning in continuing this. But now it sounds like you will. I hope you do because it has great potential. The plot and the characters are interesting, so don't let them fade into the mist

[Zoidberg]

You maintain that throughout this piece (chapter?).

Yes, it's a chapter. The next one will tie Mike in with a few other characters, but you won't see Jefferey again until later on.

I don't see much connection between this and the previous other than the agents. But it could easily be your switching to another viewpoint and introducing another character. It think that's totally acceptable.

Yeah, I know. This is just introducing Mike, and this one and Alone were sort of prologues to the first "actual" chapter.

Lol, it seems like you did your research with the minigun. I will add your suggestions.


Here's a little extra, ea:
This takes place in the same Universe as my Zaroff series, which is still in the process of being written (a little put off now that I am working on this series).

[timtornado3721]

Zaroff series? Never read that one. Where's it at?