[ukrob12]

Synopsis: Why are people afraid of the dark? What is the dark? Is it just the absence of light? If something is just the absence of another, does it even exist? And what is possible, in something that doesn't even exist?

Tony stared at his murky reflection in the filthy window of the bus. Huge bags lay under his heavy eyes, he couldn't remember the last time he had had a decent sleep. How had it come to this? His whole life thrown away, and for what? Telling the truth? His reflection slowly faded as the hot sun retired behind the dead hills. Without even realising, he closed his eyes.

Tony stepped off of the bus. He walked carefully, slowly, down the steps, and onto the pavement. He ignored the bus driver's goodbye, and waited until the filthy maroon bus was out of sight- turning around the corner at the end of his street. His street. He hadn't seen it for so long, he sometimes wasn't sure how much he remembered. All the things that had happened here; happy things. But now all those things were stained, by that night. The night when they had taken him away, as his family just watched.

He opened the old, rusty green gate, and stepped onto the pathway. The garden was a lot different from what it had been when he had left. He had just taken it for granted he would be returning to everything the way it was, his life could continue. But now he realised, just like the garden, the people would have changed too. He didn't even know if anyone would want to see him, they hadn't visited him once. That look the night he was taken away had said it all. It was like they didn't even know him, their own son. He was an intruder in his own home.

He looked up to the end of the garden, where lay the little makeshift gravestone. He had done that. How could he blame anyone not wanting to see him, but then, he was their son, and they had put him through hell the last... How long was it now? Three months. Three months of his life, gone, wasted.

He looked up at the horrible yellow door. He had always hated it, but normally only for the colour. This time it was the sheer terror of what might lay behind it. He went to open the door, but then wondered if he should knock. Too late, he was already in the hallway. He realised how strange it was the door was open at this time of night.

He walked along the hall; not bothering to turn on the light, there was no need to. It was like he was being guided, pulled along a string. He approached the stairway, but then took a left, into the kitchen. Without looking, without thinking, his actions now becoming almost robotic. He reached out his arm and took the knife. Now slowly he left the kitchen, and went up the old, creaky, wooden stairs. He was perfectly calm. He went through the door directly at the top.

He moved slowly, but yet had no regard for quietness. As he walked over the noisy floorboards towards the bed, he stayed calm, and almost still; until in a panic a figure raised from the bed, and with no control Tony lashed the knife out several times. Thick blood flowed from the sheets.

With no thought or regard for what he had just done, he continued over to the other side of the bed.

***

Tony awoke, covered in sweat, in a sheer panic. What, it was just a dream? Who had the woman in the bed been? It sure wasn't his mum; was it? Even knowing what had happened was just a dream, Tony continued to shake, to shiver uncontrollably. What had happened was so unreal, yet so real. He had felt like he was actually inside the house, he had actually felt the knife as he'd picked it up, but yet had no control over what he did....had he?

The bus driver shouted at him to get off. He looked out of the window and saw the yellow door, the house. As he ignored the bus driver's goodbyes and walked towards the house, he was freaked, disturbed, by what had just happened, or hadn't. It felt like everything was happening all over again, the dream.

He opened the old rusty, green gate, and looked up at the door, to realise it was already open.

Author's Note: This is the first chapter of a novel type story I'm currently working on. It was originally only a short story but I'm now developing it. I really need comments from others as it is always hard to judge your own work.

[JirQUEST]

not too bad. i like the suspense so far, and i am willing to read more. u could improve on ur setting though. a little bit more of description would not make it seem superfluous. what u definitely need to work on is your choice of punctuation. too many commas, wrong use of semi colons. while i see that u are going for effect, the start stop gaps can become jarring too. work on a fine balance, and read out ur text loud. u can feel it better that way.

[ukrob12]

Originally Posted by JirQUEST

not too bad. i like the suspense so far, and i am willing to read more. u could improve on ur setting though. a little bit more of description would not make it seem superfluous. what u definitely need to work on is your choice of punctuation. too many commas, wrong use of semi colons. while i see that u are going for effect, the start stop gaps can become jarring too. work on a fine balance, and read out ur text loud. u can feel it better that way.

Thanks for the comments. In chapter 1 I was trying to build suspense as well as showing you what was going through his mind as he went through things, so I had a lot of pauses whether or not that is a good thing I don't know. But yeah in chapter 1 there is hardly any description I realise and perhaps thats something I should change, but I have tried to add more description in Chapter 2.

[Jacob Samples]

i liked the descriptions alot. how you set it up was really good too, i want to know what it was that Tony had done now.

[Rakkasan]

I am by no means a great editor, but I am a reader. As I read through this first chapter, several things stand out. First, this is a short chapter! (I realize "short" is a relative term, and that there may be reasons for its brevity.) Second, it has some very powerful imagery. I can recall getting lost in my own reflection while travelling in a filthy bus through the sands of the Sinai penninsula until the sun was eclipsed by a mountain. Third, there are the well-worn, and sometimes unavoidable descriptions - "old, creaky, wooden stairs". You have much more in you than that. We already knew the house was older, the gate was old, etc. Generally, stairs that creak are older and made of wood (or a wood material). Give us more. I can almost sense that it is right at the edge of your mind, waiting to jump out onto the page. Finally, the flow jerks so much that I had to fight myself to continue, even though the underlying theme had firmly grabbed hold of me. This may be largely due to the punctuation usage. Short, stacatto-like sentences work much better in journalistic writing as opposed to novels. Like I said, I'm not a qualified editor, just a reader. I do hope that my critique will be viewed as constructive more than harsh, for that is the spirit in which it is given. Keep writing. I look forward to reading the following chapters.

[RENA HANDS]

"...,just like the garden, that people would have change too."

"That look, the night he was taken away, had said it all."

"Three months of his life gone, wasted." This makes for less repetition.

"His whole life was thrown away, and for what?" A full sentence and not just a fragmented thought.

"Tony stepped off the bus." You don't need "of."

"Now all those things were stained by that night." You don't need "but."

"He didn't even know if they would want to see him, they hadn't visited him once."

"It was as if they didn't even know him, their own son."

"It was as if he was being guided, pulled along by a string."

"He moved slowly having no regard for quietness."

"Even knowing what had happened was just a dream; Tony continued to shake, to shiver uncontrollably."

I only make the following suggestions, but referring to JirQuest suggestion, I would rewrite the story lessening the commas and semicolons. Watch your conjunctions. The build up of anxiety was most engaging. I believe you could have stretched out the suspense even further.

[ukrob12]

Thanks both of you for your comments, I may indeed rework this now trying to add more vivid description, and perhaps also trying to give more suspense. Sorry I've been so slow in posting more chapters of this here, I just always feel bad posting my work here having rarely commented on others (since joining this site I'm now much more active on another writing community..)

[Ambrose]

I thought the story was way too generic. Some guy goes home (in a dream?) and is possessed to stab someone he loves with a knife. There was virtually no back story. You hinted at it, saying Tony had done something to warrant great shame. But then you don't tell us. Mind you, there are times when it is acceptable to hide information but in your case, the pseudo back story felt contrived and seemed to exist solely for the purpose of qualifying the character's unstable mind so you could get to the stabbing sequence later on.

If you want to continue this and make it into a novel, I high suggest you work on characterization. Tell us more about Tony, why he is on this bus going to what is presumably his old house? Oh and what is up with the ending? You seem to suggest that everything he experienced in the story is about to repeat, which might make for a good short story ending but how do you plan to transition from that for your next chapter?

[jakeballa]

I personaly loved it, and not being anything close to an editer( i have my buddy edit my storys) i didnt notice anything out of context from what id use. I love how you gave put in suspense, right now im hating you for having it being so short. yes its that suspenseful