[Vince]

Synopsis: A semi-autobiography about a twenty one year old man who wants to stay a boy and refuses to mature. A view on society's standards about growing up. "Shit man, we're becoming our parents."

[sic]

Part I

Silence. Silence. More silence. Then, came the rings. And there were a lot of them too.

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

I turned the alarm clock off. Every single day, at the same exact moment, that little thing killed a whole world of mine. This time it killed me swimming in the ocean. Since I moved to this new apartment I regularly dream of oceans. Oceans of milk, whales in the ocean. My whole life is an ocean and I'm the little fish that dwells inside it. Sometimes I'm a coelacanth or a holocentridae. It depends. But I'm never a shark. A giant white shark, patrolling the sea and annihilating every obstacle it comes across. However, as they say, dreams are for dreamers. The question is whether or not I wanna be a fearsome predator who depends on himself for surviving, without friends, only enemies.

I'm a boy of twenty one years and my name is Vince. At least that's how I'm gonna call myself on these pages. I'm a university student, that's what the papers say. The fact that I have nearly stopped attending my classes is irrelevant. Maritime industry student. My dad works in a shipping company; he used to tell me the money is good. Apparently money is the only thing that matters when you're fifty two. The same doesn't apply when you're eighteen years old, sadly. My aspiration was to be a director. You know, like the young kids who watch movies, and say with all their innocence: "I wanna be an actor!" Then you laugh, you bend over - so you can look at their eyes - and you reply: "I'm sure you will!"

When you have finished school and you're ready to send the applications though, they have a different approach. My father is a straight man. "Directing isn't gonna make you money. You'll struggle to find a job and when you do, it's not gonna be the Hollywood movies you watch on Saturday nights. It's gonna be shitty commercials." And you think to yourself that hey, I have thought of this too, dad. You don't have the privilege of insight in this family. But out of the millions of directors, some are good enough to make it. Don't you have a little faith in your son? Maybe I don't want to be in front of a screen making calls and sending faxes for the rest of my life.

You're young, you think you can change the world. You want to change the world. You forget one thing. The world does not want to be changed. That's it. During two hours, during one evening, your life is decided. At the age of eighteen you will go to the university. By the age of twenty two, you must have finished your studies. Two years abroad - you want a Master's degree, don't you? Then, when you return home, it's another year of your army obligations. You're twenty five now, you must find a job. Perhaps a nice girl. Before your thirties, you should be married. Make a kid or two. Work harder, you have a family. Work for the next thirty five years. You're sixty five. Your wife died, your kids are married - and divorced - you live alone.

At last! Time to live your life! Now you're gonna spend your hard earned money. Now you're gonna have that threesome you always talked about. Now you can spend your evenings with your friends, the ones who are still alive. Now, now, now... Now you're dead. You died in your sleep. The kids cried a bit and then they went to the lawyer's office for the will. And your tombstone reads: "He worked in a shipping company."

It was less than two hours in my case. We had a talk, me and my dad. I agreed with him. What's the point of fighting when you can't win the fight? So I set off. Three years later, it's the present. I moved out of my parents' house. They said they weren’t willing to pay for a punk, a lazy failure who wasted his days drinking coffees with his "buddies". I don't hold a grudge against them. They were right, I would do the same if I were in their shoes - maybe that's because they raised me with their own beliefs and passed them down to me, I don't know.

Anyway, I'm my own man now, or should I say my own boy? The alarm clock rang again. I removed the batteries with a violent move. Such an easy thing. You remove its core and it stops functioning. Can I remove my core, can I stop functioning and start living? I decided I could, so I dressed quickly and got out the door. I had a date with a cup of coffee and a couple of friends, and I never set them up.

[Vince]

With thanks to Nupur for encouraging me and pointing out mistakes and with thanks to Vorcla for a quick edit and editing advice.

[Vorcla]

Since you say "part 1," I hope more parts are coming?

Good start - holds the interest. Has a sort of "shoot from the hip" style which gives it immediacy. It sounds as though you're sitting down chatting with someone, which is what you want to go for with this type of piece. Nicely done.

[Nupur]

This is actually pretty good. I love the character you've created. Vince is someone we can all identify with. As Rick said, your writing style draws the reader in and then you can't let go without reading the entire piece.

Waiting for Part 2.

Keep up the good work!

[Vince]

Thank you both. Yeah more parts will follow (at least I hope so), but don't expect a chained story. There are gonna be the same characters but the parts won't lead to a cause, an end. It's a story about nothing and about everything.

[Gurdit]

First, the editor:

1.

Then they came the rings

"they" is unnecessary here.

.

2.

"Shut up!"

"Shut up!"

"Shut up!"

Since you put it in quotes, it looks like "Shut up!" is the sound your alarm clock ... at least, that's how it appears to me on first reading it.

.

3.

that little thing killed a whole world of mine. This time it killed me swimming in the ocean.

hmm.. "killing" to me is not the best term you can use to describe this. Also another suggestion... If you're aiming at humour here, instead of using "thing", you can use something more flowery... "Every morning, that little nefarious contraption woke me up, jarring me out of my wonderful world of dreams. This morning, I had been swimming in an ocean, before I was suddenly awakend by its sinister beeps.", for example.

.

4.

Since I moved to this new apartment I regularly dream of oceans.

Since you started this story in a simple past tense, this sentence will end up disagreeing with that tense. The best way to write this will be - "Since I had moved into this new apartment, I have regularly dreamed of oceans -- oceans of milk, whales in the ocean, etc. My life is an ocean..." Also notice how I split up the sentences. The reason I split it up here is because when you start saying "My life is...", it's a new thought. It's no longer a description of your dreams, but a new philosophical, deep thought.

.

A giant white shark, patrolling the sea and annihilating every obstacle he comes across.

When talking about animals/fish, the general rule is not to apply any gender. Instead of "he", the correct pronoun to use would be "it".

.

My dad works in a shipping company; used to tell me the money are good. Because money is the only...

Firstly, money is always singular. It should be "the money is good". Secondly, I think the rule when using a semi-colon is to use it as you would use a period. So, the part that comes after it should be a sentence-structure, more or less. To correct it, you can add a "he" right after the semicolon. Also, in the next sentence, starting it with Because doesn't seem to fit, somehow. You can use "Apparently" instead, which will imply that money is the most important thing at 50 according to your dad, not you.

.

The same doesn't go when you're eighteen years old, sadly.

apply seems to be a better word to use here rather than go. Or you can even say "hold true" instead of "go" or "apply".

.

You know, the young kids who watch movies and say with all their innocence:

This sentence seems to be a little incomplete. To make it a little more complete, you can add a "just like" after the comma... "You know, just like the little kids who..." And even then, it still appears to be a bit of a continuation of the previous sentence, so I recommend you join it to that, either by using a comma or a dash.

.

... "I wanna be an actor!" Then you laugh, you bend over...

I think you should put a period or SOMETHING before "Then you laugh..."

.

When you have finished school and you're ready to send the applications though, they have a different approach.

I think you should be a little more specific about the applications... what kind of applications? I know the answer is college applications (or is it?), but to make it quicker for your reader, you should probably be a little more specific.

* * *

Sorry for stopping midway, I didn't realize the time. I'm going to have to continue this tomorrow... I have to go to college tomorrow.

[Vince]

Oh man you weren't kidding when you said you're gonna edit line by line. Lol I'll have to edit.

[Vince]

1.

"they" is unnecessary here.

After a long discussion, killed.

2.

Since you put it in quotes, it looks like "Shut up!" is the sound your alarm clock ... at least, that's how it appears to me on first reading it.

You are right. By that moment I hadn't decided whether I would use quotes. Since I didn't, you're right. Quotres killed.

3.

hmm.. "killing" to me is not the best term you can use to describe this. Also another suggestion... If you're aiming at humour here, instead of using "thing", you can use something more flowery... "Every morning, that little nefarious contraption woke me up, jarring me out of my wonderful world of dreams. This morning, I had been swimming in an ocean, before I was suddenly awakend by its sinister beeps.", for example.

Everyone should have realised by the time he finishes reading the piece, that I intend on using a simple, minimalistic style, both because I think it fits the story and because I don't really have the skills to expand into descriptions.

4.

Since you started this story in a simple past tense, this sentence will end up disagreeing with that tense. The best way to write this will be - "Since I had moved into this new apartment, I have regularly dreamed of oceans -- oceans of milk, whales in the ocean, etc. My life is an ocean..." Also notice how I split up the sentences. The reason I split it up here is because when you start saying "My life is...", it's a new thought. It's no longer a description of your dreams, but a new philosophical, deep thought.

The story really bends grammar. I use both present and past tense as I use both first and second POV. It's a hybrid that aims at making the text more direct to the reader. I think I can leave that way and get away with it. Still if I'm overdoing it, lemme know.

5.

When talking about animals/fish, the general rule is not to apply any gender. Instead of "he", the correct pronoun to use would be "it

I tried to get away with it, though I knew it was wrong, cause to me it does sound right. A shark is always male to me. But yeah, I'm not gonna defedn that choice. Changed to "it".

6.

Firstly, money is always singular. It should be "the money is good". Secondly, I think the rule when using a semi-colon is to use it as you would use a period. So, the part that comes after it should be a sentence-structure, more or less. To correct it, you can add a "he" right after the semicolon. Also, in the next sentence, starting it with Because doesn't seem to fit, somehow. You can use "Apparently" instead, which will imply that money is the most important thing at 50 according to your dad, not you.

Both editing advice taken care of. You're right on both.

7.

apply seems to be a better word to use here rather than go. Or you can even say "hold true" instead of "go" or "apply".

Same here. Though I do like how "go" sound, I changed to "apply".

8.

This sentence seems to be a little incomplete. To make it a little more complete, you can add a "just like" after the comma... "You know, just like the little kids who..." And even then, it still appears to be a bit of a continuation of the previous sentence, so I recommend you join it to that, either by using a comma or a dash.

Added the "just like" part and added a comma.

9.

I think you should put a period or SOMETHING before "Then you laugh..."

It has a period. The previous sentence is a quote and ends with an exclamation mark. Do I get something wrong?

10.

I think you should be a little more specific about the applications... what kind of applications? I know the answer is college applications (or is it?), but to make it quicker for your reader, you should probably be a little more specific.

Again, trying to be direct here. The character (me), doesn't explain all details cause it's like talking to himself, he know what he means. And I think it is clear I mean college/university applications.

Overall, thanks for the editing advice, and hope there are more, just one thing to say.

As I've said the character has a weird dialogue/monologue with himself/reader. It's deliberately absurd. That's why the title is [sic] after all. Hope you get what I mean. Thanks again

[Gurdit]

Continuation of editing :

"Directing isn't gonna make you money. You'll struggle to find a job and when you do, it's not gonna be the Hollywood movies you watch on Saturday nights. It's gonna be shitty commercials."

Now, this is speech, so you don't really have to change it, but I think the sentence should be "You'll struggle to find a job, and when you do, it's not gonna be like the Hollywood movies you watch on Saturday nights."

Don't you have a little faith on your son?

Grammatically, you're supposed to have faith in someone.

Make a kid or two.

I like that line. Make a kid or two, lol! Nicely done.

We had a talk with my dad.

Who is 'we'?

I moved out of my parent's house.

If you're implying that the house belonged to both your parents instead of only one, you should put the apostrophe after the 's'... I moved out of my parents' house.


You seem to have written the second half much better... see how much fewer mistakes I found?

* * *

Now the story. You've got my interest. Now you've set me up to see what this apparently 'failure' is about to make with his life. What I liked about this story is your extremely personal touch. You've taken elements of your own life and given them to your main character, which probably made it easier for you to type.

I also liked how you give emphasis to what your sentences look and sound like. Apart from me, on this site, I think you're the only person who does that. You like the SOUND and the EFFECT of phrasing sentences in a particular way, whereas quite a few others just look for grammatical perfection, big words, etc. I'm not sure if a few others will understand what this paragraph means, but I'm pretty sure you do.

Having said that however, I have to state that you really have to take care of your grammar at the same time.

[Vince]

Now, this is speech, so you don't really have to change it, but I think the sentence should be "You'll struggle to find a job, and when you do, it's not gonna be like the Hollywood movies you watch on Saturday nights."

Heh you already know I'm stubborn to change my sentences, so now that it's not nesseccary I won't.

Grammatically, you're supposed to have faith in someone.

Yeah, yeah ok.

I like that line. Make a kid or two, lol! Nicely done.

I'm you like it.

Who is 'we'?

I meant to write "We had a talk, me and my dad." so "we" is me and my dad.

If you're implying that the house belonged to both your parents instead of only one, you should put the apostrophe after the 's'... I moved out of my parents' house.

A mistake here from me. I meant "parents' ".

Now the story. You've got my interest. Now you've set me up to see what this apparently 'failure' is about to make with his life. What I liked about this story is your extremely personal touch. You've taken elements of your own life and given them to your main character, which probably made it easier for you to type.

I also liked how you give emphasis to what your sentences look and sound like. Apart from me, on this site, I think you're the only person who does that. You like the SOUND and the EFFECT of phrasing sentences in a particular way, whereas quite a few others just look for grammatical perfection, big words, etc. I'm not sure if a few others will understand what this paragraph means, but I'm pretty sure you do.

Having said that however, I have to state that you really have to take care of your grammar at the same time.

He's not gonna make a "failure", as you mean it. I'm working on part two, so you will see what I mean. As for the sound and effect, yeah I do. I'm guilty here, I prefer a sentence to sound well than to be grammatical correct. You know why. Especially in this piece, it's a character speaking. Doesn't everyone make mistakes when speaking? It adds to the authenticity and hepls the story be more direct.

Thanks a lot for your precious editing advice and for the time you have put on this. (or is it "in this"? see what I mean? )

[RENA HANDS]

Army should be capitalized, I think.

For more ‘dramatics’ and these are only my thoughts…You are in bed so why not toss and turn as he shifts to thoughts of his ‘life?’ Grumble and ruffle the sheets as he refers back to conversations with dad. Have the alarm go off during the ‘time schedule’ of college pursuits. More shrugs and feet flopping as he looks forward to what life ‘might’ have in ready for him. Also why not describe what these ‘buddies” look like? What are they doing or not? You could have illustrated a quick example of success/failure of Hollywood directors.

I will not give my thoughts completely on this until I’ve finished this story.

Remembering the ‘shark,’ I would have like to seen a particular scene perhaps of his hunt. His station inside the vast ocean of predators. Don’t shark travel in groups or pairs?

[Vince]

I will describe his buddies later. And as I said in my other replies to you ( thanks for reading), this story is not for frawing images, it's for drawing feelings and thoughts. Thanks for reading all 3 parts!

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by Vince

Heh you already know I'm stubborn to change my sentences...

No kidding! Ya think?

[Nupur]