[Bluejay]

Uh, Lord. Excuse me. Can I speak with you?

What are you doing here? I thought I told you it’s not good for us to be seen together.

I know, I know. And I apologize - but this is important. We’re having a problem “down below”.

What sort of problem?

Well, generally, things are going fine. The overall pain and misery in Hell is at the right level, and we have plenty of room for all the new members.

So..?

It’s… these Americans. They’re stirring up trouble.

What kind of trouble?

Things were great for a long time, but recently these new arrivals have begun to organize. And now they’re starting to make demands.

I don’t get it. Isn’t that what the whole “burning” thing was about? To keep them in line?

That’s the theory, and it works well for most of the damned. But when it comes to these Americans, it just seems to piss them off.

What are they demanding?

They claim that an eternity of suffering is “cruel and unusual punishment”. Some want the chance for rehabilitation and parole. Others are claiming that they didn’t have adequate representation at their judgment hearing, and that they weren’t informed properly of their rights during their lifetime and of the true nature of the punishment.

I thought “an eternity in Hell” was quite clear.

You would think so. But they say a notion like “eternity” is incomprehensible to the human mind, that if they had truly known, then they would obviously have lived better lives. There seems to be a general sense of indignation that they attended church every week and followed the commandments when it didn’t inconvenience them too much and still ended up burning. I get the feeling that they thought just living in the “God bless the” USA was an automatic in.

I believe I made it perfectly clear that pride is a deadly sin…

Yes. You did. But even that writ isn’t enough to keep the lawyers at bay.

Lawyers?

What do you mean “Lawyers?” You’re the one who keeps sending them down to me. My Lord, Hell is filled with lawyers and angry Americans. It’s a powder keg waiting to go off. They’ve already formed a political action committee, and they’re thinking of organizing a class-action lawsuit.

They’re going to sue Me?

It seems that way. They have this incredible sense of entitlement. They claim that their God-given rights to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” are being infringed by being condemned to an eternity in Hell.

I never gave them those rights.

I know. But that doesn’t stop them from believing they’re entitled to them.

This is hard to believe. I’ve seen Americans in Heaven, and they seem all right.

Well sure, some are. Unfortunately, it’s the self-righteous ones who ended up with me. And for some reason, they all seem to lack a sense of humor.

And no one else is giving you trouble?

Actually, most of them are well-behaved. The Zen Buddhists tend to sit by themselves and meditate through the pain. They almost seem to enjoy it. And every once in a while someone new starts going off about virgins, but the laughter usually puts a quick end to that.

So it’s just these Americans. What exactly are they demanding?

They want their eternal sentences appealed. They keep saying they want to take their cases “all the way to the Supreme Being.” Bastards…

They think they can sue their way into Heaven?

They want the chance, yes. And if that fails, they’re demanding that we open a Starbucks. Oh, and Wi-Fi. They want Internet access. They claim that an eternity without downloadable music and streaming video is simply too cruel to tolerate.

Starbucks? In Hell? Might as well, I suppose. They’re everywhere else.

So what are You going to do about this? They’re starting to picket – their infernal protesting is keeping me awake at night.

I don’t know that there’s much I can do.

What? Aren’t You “all-knowing” and “all-powerful”?

Of course.

It seems like You would have seen this coming and accounted for it in Your plan.

I’ve told you before – I see all possibilities. I know all that can happen. But things still unfold along the path that they will.

You don’t seem so all-knowing to me. Quick – what number am I thinking of?

298,734,221,847

Damn…

Don’t push your luck. You know, you weren’t my first choice for ruler of Hell.

What? Who was?

Peter.

Peter? That brown-nose?

It worked out well for him, don’t you think?

I suppose. But I still have this problem. I think I may have a solution, though.

What is it?

Go to them. Tell them You’re aware of their concerns, and You’ll be looking into it right away. Tell them that You will be addressing all of their complaints in due time.

You mean… lie?

Of course. They’re used to it. And it works. They’re lied to all the time by their government. It’s standard operating procedure.

Somehow that doesn’t seem ethical.

I don’t care squat about ethics. I just want to sleep at night.

Well… Look… We may not have to go that far. There’s something I haven’t told you about the whole Hell arrangement.

Wait… What’s that?

It turns out that the punishment isn’t eternal. People do have a chance to redeem themselves if they can have a change of heart and turn to Me.

So it was a lie, then?

A white lie… of sorts. Well, perhaps an exaggeration…

Ha! You… You… lied!

Look, eternal damnation is a darn good threat. It was meant to keep them in line. And the truth is, they’ll be in Hell as long as they cling to their sinful ways.

But they can get out?

Of course. Do you really think I’m that merciless and cruel? Punishment is meant to correct errant behavior and, to a certain extent, mete justice. Eternal punishment is an oxymoron. What’s the point of punishment if there’s no lesson to be learned, with no chance of redemption? And how could eternal suffering for any finite amount of sin be considered justice?

I’m stunned. So you mean I could eventually be out of a job?

As long as there are those like your friends down there, you won’t be wanting for work.

That’s not very comforting. Eternity is a hell of a long time. It seems like word would spread… Say, how do You know when someone has been redeemed?

I can read it in their hearts.

What about me? I can change. Go ahead, read what’s in my heart.

No.

What? How can You say no? Am I not one of Your children?

I don’t want to.

You have to.

No I don’t.

Yes You do.

Absolutely not! Look, I read what’s in that evil heart of yours once, and I couldn’t sleep for a week afterwards. You’re the only one who's ever done that to me.

That’s not fair. That’s… that’s discrimination! I have rights, too, You know.

You’re beginning to sound like those Americans.

Well, they were right about the whole “cruel and unusual punishment” thing, weren’t they? Maybe I should fight this. Maybe I ought to get myself a lawyer.

Not unless you enjoy being in Hell…

[Vince]

Good work man. I always enjoy a good satire and this was a good one. You seemed to kinda get away from your point during the middle. but you saved it. Satan, or whoever is in charge of Hell, seemed to me kinda nice. Again well said.

[Dur the Fish]

I enjoy a good satire. This one reminded me of an idea I had once of a story about people surviving Armageddon as the earth is being given to Satan. I think Satan comes off as too weak, I mean he is the prince of darkness I am sure he would have tried some cruel torture before going to god. I also think that the story may have been stronger if there was more description of where they are and how they react to each other, but then again I see you were going strictly for a conversation. Still I enjoyed this piece, if I go to hell I will look for Johnny Cochran.

[Razor]

Pretty good. I chuckled a few times. I like the sly reference to the "44 virgins" promised to some who die for their "religion." That's good.

The dialoge was solid, but like the first two said. Maybe make the red narration a little... meaner, or at least more bold.

[Bluejay]

I suppose that's the danger of using existing characters. I find it fascinating what people project onto the "keeper of Hell". For some reason, I never pictured Satan as being mean or cruel. Maybe I've been watching too much South Park... lol

The flow of this isn't as even as I would have liked (and I forgot a bit I wanted to include), but it has its moments.

Thanks for the comments, all!

[Venomous Vixen]

Haha I loved this. I have to say the comparison to the lies of the American government were outstanding. Had me laughing!

Is there a part two in order? Calming of the masses or the hostile takeover of the Americans?

['Ginnis]

Ha, I loved it, Jay. The beat was quick and witty, so much to the point that I could actually picture God and Satan sitting on a park bench or something of the likes. Great characterization!

[Gurdit]

Awesome piece, Jay!

[tehzombie]

I really enjoyed this story Bluejay. I don't think much is wrong with this piece, however perhaps making it a script would fix peoples opinions about the details ect.

I don't think the world is all black and white, we don't need to write a story about the Devil and have him the typecast Satan depicted in the bible. That is the fun of writing, we don't need to follow guidelines and we get to use our imagination.

Your characters are funny and I really get a strong visualization of what expressions they are making by the way you formated it. Example:

It turns out that the punishment isn’t eternal. People do have a chance to redeem themselves if they can have a change of heart and turn to Me.

So it was a lie, then?

A white lie… of sorts. Well, perhaps an exaggeration…

Ha! You… You… lied!

Really nice short with a very quirky and good humour. I loved it.

[dearest]

Ha. Lovely satirical piece (there really aren't enough of these!). The dialogue was very good, the sly swipes at the government, capitalism, etc very well placed. The alternation of the red/black text lines also worked very well to indentify characters and eliminate confusion. Well done!

[ronadaniels0623]

I loved this piece, it had great humor and I think it portrays both god and satan as a little less mystical and much more earthly. For much of the story I thought that I was reading a conversation between two guys at work. I laughed out loud the entire time.

[Bluejay]

Thanks everyone for the great feedback! I was hoping it would be enjoyable.

[shey]

Very enjoyable! My boyfriend and I kept laughing throughout the dialogue.

[RENA HANDS]

A standing ovation to the writer. Also a deafening applause if it can be heard over my laughter. I loved the mixture of humor and “human reason” that was illustrated so brilliantly in this piece. I am assuming this dialogue is between God and Satan? Also only humans, especially the lawyers would come together to bring a class action suit against God. I really enjoyed that surprise in the read.

[Bluejay]

Thank you, thank you.

[creativeminds]

very commical read, though i have to say that you could have made satan a little more dark, he seemed to nice and giving in to easily. But over all it was a great spin on heaven and hell.

[Jimbalaya]

Oh, man. That was hilarious and strangely satisfying. Awesome job, Bluejay. I enjoyed the "hell" out of this.