[ejenk21]

Author's Note--

This one is older than some of its readers. It is, in its way, a counter- Atlas Shrugged.


I had a hard time using this HTML to convey footnotes. If anyone knows how to do it better, let me know.

Also, please forgive the paragraphing problems. More trouble tranlsating to HTML.

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"Naronga ho pellelanlul set set Mono hebiki ho hebiki inflecs ek. Mono reh shelel set mosanu. Ho fleshed Dolu ek boni ebon..."*

"Fathers, uncles of clan Naronga, I greet you. It is a rare thing, as you all know, for the tribes of Terrapin and Snapper, Hawksbill and Box, to gather for other than the sacred Festival of the Flesh. It speaks well of us, and our gallant sons, that we do not need to meet more often. We are at peace with the Carp clan, and the Mole clan, and the Snail clan. The detested Centipedes are no more, and their women are lazy in our caves. Further, the noise of the Storks is not heard by the river any longer; they are fled to Dolu knows where, and they do not dare to pick at his shell.

"Why then do we, eggs of Dolu, convene here at Bones of the Hippopotamus, which is a place reminding us of great dangers? We come that the elders may review the case of Mono, and consider his worth; to hear words for and against him, and decide what is to be done. For Mono is not a thin-shelled egg, but is born of Farad, strong and brave and wise in the ways of the termite.

"Mono has skipped off the path of his fathers and uncles. He has aroused the yapping of the young, who are always eager to discard that which they have not created, and to pursue novelties as puppies pursue flies. Worse still, he has tickled the tongues of the Terrapin women until their words run like a baby's bowels.

"Some say that Mono is a holy youth, and some that he is a blasphemer; some say that he will be remembered until the Moon falls to the ground, and some that his memory should even now be buried like this morning's dung.

"In the days of my grandfather, Mono would have been forced to eat his own foot simply for arousing disunity, but these are easy times, and the Terrapins think to discover great things by inquiring of one another's opinions. I say to my people: Do not think that because I have yielded and led you to a gathering that you have turned me on my back and left my legs waving in the air. I am Retsin, the son of Globar, grandson of Pentaks, and many may yet eat their feet.

"Hear, then, the words of Mono from his own beak--now, and again when others have spoken."


-------------------------------footnote
* Archivist's note: This is what Retsin, Man of the Fleshy Thighs, actually said about Mono. Perhaps something of the vigor and sweep of his tongue is still apparent in transliteration. While modern English is inadequate to express a world as unrelentingly harsh and savage as theirs, half a million years behind us, I paraphrase in it for obvious reasons.

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Mono had sixteen summers. He was tall, and comely, and the girls sucked in their breath when he strode to the center of the rock platform naturally sunk below the Rings. He smiled carelessly.

"Elders, wise ones, Mossbacks! I am Mono, and it does not matter who my father was, or my grandfather. I declare to you what you must have already heard in the gabble of the camps. I have found a wonder. It may be a gift of Dolu, or a snare of Nini the dogfish, or neither. It matters not. I have named it 'fier' because that means 'small sun', which this thing is. Fier brightens the night like a dawn before the dawn, and at a distance it feels like Fi on the skin. Brought very close, it reddens the skin as Fi does, and looking directly at it blinds the eye. It may be that some day when we can touch Fi, we will find that it hurts like fier does. No living thing can touch fier and not scream."

Mono held up a clam shell. "Fier is like a maggot. It lives in wood and eats it. There is a piece of wood in here with fier in it. Fier cannot eat shell, although it tries. I place the wood upon the ground, so. I offer wood and other foods: dry grass and rabbit fat. Behold!

"It is before your eyes. Now I do not lie restless and fearing throughout the black night. No one can approach even when clouds cover the Moon. And this is just one of the gifts of fier. Elders, wise ones, Mossbacks, now we can be safe!"


"Enough!!" A wooden club, carved with the face of Nini's mate, Stynem, and studded with shrew's teeth, whizzed past Mono's nose. A hairy man, thickset, with many teeth missing and the rest scraggly, spat his contempt of Mono.

"Ek tilliot pesh su lu Mono. Penebe hoi maritsa hebiki burr tetz bekonu collam..."

"You quivering tadpole. You are so timid you would take a fart for a thunderclap. Any man I know who trembles in the dark is not trembling out of fear. Eh?" His wit garnered gross laughs of assent. "Who bore you, tadpole? Has Dolu mercifully taken her beyond the sight of you?"

A nearly bald crone of forty summers, wispy and decrepit, stood up beyond the last Ring. She was confused; her mind crawled through itself like a knot of worms. She wanted to speak; she knew Dolu forbade it; she hoped the men would kill her for her impertinence; she was being asked to tell of her son...

"Speak, witch!" yelled Pudu the green-toothed. For him, she had no name. Only her long-dead mate could name her publicly.


"Dolu sheleshma ek. Hobi pel metsana pirupu..."

"He has not been so merciful. Mono is mine, the careless fruit of a careless evening when I was too old for more children and too weak-minded to resist my handsome hunter. You are men, and you cannot imagine what it is to mother an imbecile."

"Mom!" yelped Mono, shaken to his untested core.

"Fathers, uncles," the old woman continued. "It is true. He was an impossible child. Always prying into things he should not touch, like the medicinal bark, and the trapping baits. Always asking unanswerable questions: 'Did not Dolu come from an egg? Who laid the egg? Since Dolu made the sun, how did the egg get warm enough to hatch?'.

"He was a torment. Even today he makes my life more of a misery. The other women snicker; he hovers around us begging for roots and grubs to waste on his plaything.

"He is pleased to give me meat, not as a man should, raw and red and dripping with lively blood, but weird--scaly and blackened as if dragged through foul mud. It oozes strange juices, and its smell is nauseating. Better he should feed me whatever carrion his weak eyes can find. Carrion we all know; pick it over carefully, avoid the blue spots, and it will keep you alive. But this!

"Fathers, uncles, he is my son, but I long to lose sight of him. May Midol soon draw me to her bosom, for I am sick and weary of life."

A mother's cry, almost a curse, did not sit well with the men of clan Naronga. They snarled ferally as they crouched in their Rings. Five score, about a fourth, were ready to feed Mono his foot immediately. The true arch-conservatives, no more than thirty, wanted to deal with Mono in the old-fashioned way: break one ankle and tether him where the big cats would find him. All cats like to play with their food...


Retsin spoke out. "Fathers and uncles, I too am angered by the complaints of Mono's poor old mother, may Midol comfort her. I remind you that some men praise Mono and foretell great things resulting from his discovery. One of these is Joni the storyteller, who is not the greatest hunter, but funny as Tofu the bluejay when we grumble with empty bellies and stumble with bloodied feet on the trail. And now, here's Joni..."


"Hopi, hopi, hopi. Set malloram pitsoranu watsituya..."

The entire assembly convulsed in laughter. The howls, yelps, and roars did not subside until many were bruised and the weakest suffered minor concussions.

"Whoops! Dads and unks, I forgot where I was. I never get an audience this big. I see some familiar faces out there in the Rings, though. How ya doin--what's your name? You. The one without an ear. Say, ain't you ever gonna stop trying to catch those Snapper girls? It's a real gamble... You lose a piece for every piece you get!

"Don't get me wrong. I love Snapper girls. I love Hawksbill girls. I love 'em all. And you know why? Because I know exactly where I stand with them. On their feet they're impregnable. On their backs they're helpless!

"But seriously, I'm glad to be here this afternoon. We're talking about something really major here, something that affects the good of clan Naronga. Now you know I kid, I love to kid, but there's nothing more important to me than the good of clan Naronga. Why, I'd be happy to die for the good of Naronga. Well, maybe not happy, but I'd do it. Well, I'd probably do it. Well, I'd get out of it if I could. Hey, I'd better stop this or you're gonna put me on trial!

"That's what this is, isn't it? You're ready to dangle Mono by his winiwaws, right? I know how you feel. The little smart aleck. Thinks he's got something new. Well, he does. I sat with him and some guys I used to fight with when we were up against the Storks. You know who you are: Abel, Bakir, Eksrai, Tengo--great bunch of eggs--introduce yourselves, fellas. Anyhow, we sat in front of his fier and I tell you, it was an experience.

"Fi went down, and Fo came out, but you know how it is. It's tough to keep talking when Fo's just about the size of a melon rind. Gets cold, gets windy, and soon you just want to find your old lady. Or any old lady. Heih heihn nya! Just kidding. Just kidding. I love mine. Wouldn't give her up for two half her age. Course not. They'd be about nine years old! Hey, you know what? This joke is gonna stop working in about eight years.

"Getting back to Mono. Just about that time he fed his fier and it was just like he says, just as bright as Fi and twice as hot. So instead of going to sleep, the eggs and I kept talking and laughing and reminiscing about old times--on and on and on. Then Mono threw some special dried plant on the fier--he's full of crazy surprises; don't know where he finds these things--and nearly choked us all. We were gonna bust the kid, but in a little while we were ROARING. Rolling around, making enough noise to scare a keshkok, banging our clubs on the trees... Fun? Lemme tell ya. What a night.

"Slept all day the next day. Missed the big foraging expedition. Gave me a chance to see how the other half lives. Did I ever! You know, they don't wear anything themselves when they wash the babies in the river. That's right. Nothing at all. Heih heihn nya! Just kidding. Just kidding. Don't look at me like that. And while you're at it, give Mono another look. I think he's got something to add to our lives. Seriously."

Joni sat down. He was not expecting laughter, but perhaps a bit of applause. He did not get it. He did not look behind him to see Barbel towering a full five foot eight and frowning like Shlafly, Queen of the buzzards.


"I am not a clown," said Barbel. "I do not make funny faces. I do not make funny noises. I do not make men laugh. I make men die. All I desire is to lay waste the enemies of clan Naronga. Will this fier help? Arms folded, he waited silently, like one more eternal shaft of rock."

Mono nearly leaped up to answer. "Yes! Yes! It can be used for that! Easily!" For the first time, this thought gripped him. His own father was killed in a war when Mono was five years old. While Mono pondered...


Someone else spoke first. "Hear me, eggs of Dolu. I am Haman the shaman, son of Bremen the shaman, grandson of Damon the shaman, et cetera, et cetera, since the beginning of time. I and my family know you all. One of us was there at your Hatching, when you snivelled, and at your Carapace Day, when you dared not cry. With equal sureness, I or my son Raman, or his unborn son, will be there when you are Floated. We shamans are the memory of clan Naronga. We know the past and we peer into the future. We already know of this thing that the boy Mono calls fier. It was revealed to my great-great-great-grandfather in a dream that came from Pogo, the small and slimy creature who is cousin to Dolu.

"In the dream, the Moon, Fo, swam alone above the world, for Fi had gone to sleep. It was nearly dark, for Fo was at this time merely a thin smile. Suddenly, a single star began to puff up and glow bright like Fi. Brighter and brighter it was, and brighter still, and Fo's smile grew and grew until it engulfed all, and Fo lay yellow in the sky like a ripened fruit.

"Fi awoke to the rival light, and was enraged, and spat out three teeth. One tooth flew to the brazen star and shattered it; one flew to Fo and blackened her eye, and one flew here. With a great shriek, this tooth flashed down upon the land, and battered it in fury. It pounded Moley as a warrior pounds a beaten foe, and Moley bled--fier. The land's blood spurted out in fountains, and where it touched, all living things perished.

"We shamans know what fier is. It is the tooth of Fi and the blood of Moley. It is not for youthful idlers to play with and poke at. Better to poke at a drowsing bear. Yet we shamans can control fier. Give it into our care, that Fi may not be angered by the cheekiness of clan Naronga. Or live without it."

Haman did not seat himself. He continued upright, majestic in his costume of aged monkey skins, spotted with prize salmon scales and hung with crab claws. He wore this only once a summer, on that day when Pogo commanded the Naronga to forego eating the luscious bittersweet newts that thronged in the river. Prompted by this holy garment, rich in tradition, Haman felt the need for further oration.

"Sons, nephews, it isn't often that I get to speak openly to the whole nest of Dolu's eggs. Usually I and my family are kept pretty busy with the rites and ceremonies that keep clan Naronga square with the Higher Powers. That's bad in a way, because it has the effect of putting us out of touch with your day-to-day lives. I want to tell you here and now that you shouldn't feel you have to stay at club's length all the time. Maybe in my grandfather's day you might have thought that approaching a shaman violated the sacred laws of Dolu. But times change. Shamans are in this world like everybody else. We've got lice just like yours.

"So don't be a stranger. Come on, drop by, and bring anything at all. It doesn't have to be an unblemished heart or liver. Lungs, stomach, even a bladder if you've cleaned it. It's you that matters, not your organs. See you real soon."

A few scattered handclaps rang out (mainly from some younger Boxes), but after that an uneasy silence settled over the Rings. Retsin was troubled along with his people. For a while Haman had made a lot of sense, and his story was a doleful reminder of how careful a man had to be. But his cozy little afterword made a clan leader wonder just how thin the priestly bloodline was getting.


By now the sun was hugely swollen beyond the hills that sheltered the Rings. Its light was the color of a fresh bruise. There was barely enough time for the Naronga to disperse and eat even a few mouthfuls before night blinded the land. Yet Retsin kept his word and permitted Mono to speak.

He was prouder than ever. "Mossbacks!" he began. "It is clear to me what you intend to do. You will force my foot down my throat and think you are done with my fier. My fier, despite what Haman the shaman says. Dolu--if it was Dolu--opened my eyes, not his mythical sleepy ancestor's.

"You call me a boy, and deride me because I still have all my skin and all my teeth and all my wits, while you have aged and rotted like salmon that have already spawned. I tell you, the groundhog of tomorrow is emerged from the burrow of yesterday, and you cannot scare him back into it.

"If you think I am going to beg for my life you are as stupid as my mother. I will sit by my fier throughout this night. I will teach whoever comes to sit with me. I will fight whoever comes to molest me. I will be gone by the dawn's early light, and I will happily take with me whoever is sick of scratching his foba exactly the way his grandpaw's grandpaw did."


Retsin slept not. He sat propped against a rock wall and stared between his knees at the remote flicker of Mono's fier. He thought of the timeless prayer of his people:

Pono ek Dolu
Dolu set releshi
Maalem deckoram fe boni
Palooka trevor Dolu*

-------------------------------footnote

* Roughly:

Dolu swims in the lake of wisdom.
Dolu eats the minnows of righteousness.
Dolu protects his eggs.
Exposed to the sun, they rot quickly.

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Retsin listened keenly to the sounds of his clan in the night. Middle-aged snores and whistles. Infantile wails and whimpers. Adult snips and snaps. Youthful groanings and slurpings. The padding of a dozen sentries. The mumbling of two acolytes.

He made up his mind. He picked up his club, a gift from the three men he now gathered.


Mono was dead to the world. Retsin's heel bounced sharply off his foba. "The light of your fier is worthless if you are not awake to see by it. For all your clever wits and smart talk, you should be dead."

"I was right then," said Mono. "You are here to make me eat my foot."

"It is not a bad idea," admitted Retsin, "but I have decided against it. I am here to make certain you leave clan Naronga tonight. You make too much trouble. If you spoke more softly about your fier, were more humble...but that does not matter any longer. Get out of here--now--before we make your brain a feast for the ants."

"Daddy! You WOULDN'T!" Retsin's heart sank in his chest. From this angle he did not recognize his daughter, Yuppi.

"Mono bok neholi wihasha moomoo! Mollem stini bo parl re neg winiwawna!! Feren hebihobi dolla merindo!!! Woso werrel Mono papertrane!!!!*

Inspiration took form behind Retsin's eyes. He spoke carefully. "Mono. That is my only daughter you have been coupling with. No man has wanted her as a mate. It is not surprising, for she is peculiar. Among other things, she uses a bone's edge to scrape the hair off her legs and armpits. Peculiar, and troublesome. She is many summers overripe. She must be sacrificed to placate Midol at the next Festival of the Flesh. Unless...

"I give you a choice. Take your fier and go, or take my daughter, stay, renounce your fier, and shut up."

Retsin and Barbel and Pudu and Tengo waited, clubs erect before them, for Mono's answer.

Mono did not hesitate. "Fathers, uncles, I thank you. In this night I have reached maturity, and boyish toys appeal no more. I now seek a place in the Rings, the honor of my fellow eggs, and a son to follow after me."

"Prove it," demanded Retsin.

"No problem," said Mono, and he pissed on his own fier.

"You are indeed a man," said Tengo, and joined him.

"Indeed," agreed Barbel, and joined him.

"Indeed," rumbled Pudu, and joined him.

"Wucka-wucka-wucka," enthused Yuppi. "He sure is!"


When Fi awoke in the morning, there was no trace of Mono's fier. Yuppi had hauled ashes.


-------------------------------footnote

* This simply cannot be rendered. First, it is in the ephemeral, coded dialect of adolescence. Second, it is the product of a hormone-drenched brain. Third, it is an unseemly catalogue of sexual arts now decently shrouded in the fogs of time.

[Peppy]

To tell you the truth, I wasn't wholly interested in read this. But now that I finished reading this, I think it's really good, with well-written dialogues throughout.

The story was rich in the culture of myth, I guess. The primitive peoples would probably be more of an accurate thing. It was interesting to learn what they believed in and thought of and how they appeared to run things.

The whole trail bit was enticing to read. The discovery of fier was the rise of man, and they did not accept it. There were many viewpoint and they all mingled well together. All the character's dialogues were perfect in pitch and tone; whatever they said, it suited them.

I don't know what else to say, I'm going to have to re-read this again and post a comment that sees the whole picture, because I know there's more to this than meets the mind.

Just some things:

(")Whoops!

(")I do not make funny faces. I do not make funny noises. I do not make men laugh. I make men die. All I desire is to lay waste the enemies of clan Naronga. Will this fier help?(")

...

Oh yeah, before I forget. The whole way this is formatted, you know the mess of placing the footnotes and paragraphing, it disappears and becomes an almost essential. Bottom-line: it will be accepted for what it is.

[alja123]

You misspelt "fire".

But otherwise this is simply great!
Really funny throughout, I loved how the dialogue is really unhuman. The characters are really varied. The various arguments and counterarguments to fier made me wonder as to mono's fate. The actual ending was completely unexpected and hilarious.

Some nitpicks:

You use the word "man" occasionally. It feels like you mean "human" sometimes and really stands out. I'd change every instance to either "male" or one of the great nouns you invented ("mossbacks!")

The word "fier". Every time I look at it I pronounce "fear". If you want people to pronounce it closer to "fire", something like "fi'er" may be better. Frankly it may just be me.

THE way to do footnotes online is clearly to have it so that it pops up when you hover the mouse over the sentence. Good luck implementing that in Storiesmania.

Other things I noticed:
You wrote the vast bulk of the "Parody & Satire" section on this site.
"Mono" is an anagram for "Moon".

[ea_blue]

You know, I really enjoyed reading this. I loved the mythology of the people and the very unusual names for everything. Your writing is very smooth and you tell a tale that is rich in description and detail. The characterization is great. I enjoyed Mono's mom a lot.

For all these reasons, I read through the story easily and enjoyed doing so. But for me, it lacks a certain, 'aha!' moment. It was anti-climactic. And perhaps that's what you intended. It's just an opinion. I don't think the footnotes worked so well. I don't know that that's your fault. This format ( rather than the printed page ) may not lend itself to footnotes.

All in all, I enjoyed the story. Thanks for sharing!

[RENA HANDS]

Is it me or should the footnotes be placed at the very bottom of the story? Is that, wasn’t that the rule even in today’s time?

Wouldn’t it be...they (have) fled to Dolu knows where, ?

Was this a story where you wanted the reader(s) to be a participant or did you just want to relate a fable?

Intentional or no, the sentence about the ‘fart for a thunderclap,’ very funny!

Again, the sentence about mom calling her own son an ‘imbecile,’ very funny!

You don’t need the period after the question mark here...the egg warm enough to hatch? (.) NO PERIOD NEEDED!

There is too much spacing here and after these paragraphs...All cats like to play with their food...

Retsin spoke out. And after this sentence...And now, here’s Joni...

I may not understand it, but I don’t believe that you have misspelled ‘Fier,’ here in your story. It is appropriate for the tale you are retelling.

Wouldn’t it be appropriate to spell Buzzard in this manner? Also, the spacing after this paragraph is too much. And after...While Mono pondered...

I could be wrong about the extra spacing, does it serve a purpose or was it an additional press of the RETURN key?

Again, the spacing after...how thin the priestly bloodline was getting.
Wouldn’t it be...not this mythical sleepy ancestors’. ? You are speaking I would think of more than one ancestor?

More spacing inquires after...three men he now gathered.

Where is the ending quote after...‘Mono. ?

I will say honestly the point of your story is lost at least to me. What was it again? It is a read requiring a second and third read, but not tonight. I will say that your write here is a reminder of something that Eada Deora would write but a bit more confusing. I will read this again.

[ejenk21]

I'll comment about a few things:

The extra spacing is usually deliberate. I am changing focus or point of view, and the extra space helps identify the transition.

I use the historical present tense (they ARE fled) sometimes. I learned that this is what I was using from a co-worker. He was a technical writer--but before that he was a professor of literature at Yale! Author of two books on Proust. Fluent in four languages. I took his word that my usage was okay.

"Fier" comes from Fi, their word for the sun. We're the ones with the language corrupted after all these millennia.

EJ

[Ambrose]

Loved this simile:

Worse still, he has tickled the tongues of the Terrapin women until their words run like a baby's bowels.

The double dialog, first in the native tongue, then translated, does nothing in my mind. I found myself just skipping over the lines that were not in English. My suggestion: for long lines, write the line in English, but for short declamations, keep the native tongue, and use the context to explain what was said.

I'm not a huge fan of mythology, so at times I was scrolling to the end to see how much story was left. But I thought your writing had a strong voice that was more than appropriate for the piece. You obviously know the source material (be it your imagination or otherwise) very well. I don't know, is this people made up (as well as the footnotes) or did you base it on an actual people? In any case, I applaud the feeling of authenticity that you manage to create here.