[ejenk21]

Synopsis: Invaders from Beyond. Strike up the theremin, please. Oooheeeeoooheeeoooh.



We came from outer space. Well, we did. You knew it would happen like that.

And we were Bugs. Ain't that a killer? Big brown Bugs. We look like your cockroaches, only about eight feet tall. Yeah, sure, physics. Can't have an insect that big. Square-cube law and all that. That's your problem. The law said we couldn't exist, but our rayguns said we did, and you continued to believe your law.

The rayguns, like the saucers, were really superfluous. We could have come here by direct hyperspatial transmission. We could have used, say, modulated neural resonance broadcasts. We just got a laugh out of doing what you expected. (We don't laugh like you do. Physically, it's more like a basso buzz. But the concept is the same.)

The force fields are very effective, aren't they? That's why we came when we did. You would have figured the fields out in another several decades. We could take you anyway, even if you knew how the fields work, but it would have been messier. This was just a cakewalk. Like the Brits with machine guns up against the Zulus with feathered spears.

Why did we do it? Well, you know it wasn't to eat you. We could, of course. Like your roaches, we're very adaptable. We have eaten other conquered races. Truth to tell, though, you don't taste very good.

We could have come for the minerals. Our poor planet, depleted of whateverium, whereas blue, voluptuous Earth was full of it. Yes, theoretically, but you really don't have anything in unusual quantities except bismuth. Local statistical fluke in the distribution of atomic masses. Even we have never figured out much of a use for bismuth.

Could be cultural. A sheer love of MANslaughter. Like your famous Klingons. We loved the Klingons. So dramatic. So self-important. Surprised? Of course we know about the Klingons. We know lots about you. Why not? You've been broadcasting it for eighty years. Our transponder was only twelve light years away.

There certainly are Klingons, you know. We've dealt with several species like that. We treasure them. An endless source of fun. We ourselves grew too mature (stodgy?) for self-celebration in saga.

Now you are aware, I'm sure, that we did a lot of physical damage, but didn't kill everybody right off the bat. The look on your face when we zapped the Parthenon. Priceless! The Great Wall! The Vatican! The Pyramids! You were expecting it, weren't you? How could any self-respecting alien disappoint you?

But, you see, it was all for show, completely unnecessary. The Bugspray worked like a charm, didn't it? Half the population of a planet, gone in six hours. Except you. There are four million of you males left. Probably forty times as many as we really need. Nice, healthy males. How would you put it?: "A select pool of fine DNA strings, specially chosen by the latest scientific scanning methods. Quality without compromise. From the good folks beyond Betelgeuse."

And...two hundred million women. Forty apiece. Delicious, delectable, desirable. Completely enslaved, and loving it. A simple matter of pheromonal chemistry. Naturally. We're experts. We're Bugs.

Our own females have many virtues. They are hardly sentient at all: practically just walking egg sacs. Good for one season of breeding, and food after that. But sex with them is a mechanical matter. No enjoyment on either side. Your women, on the other hand, are sexual acrobats. If you know how to stimulate their limbic systems.

So what do we need you for? Sperm, of course. We have the organs, we have the nerve endings, and we have the polymorphous perverse willingness to use them with other species. But nothing can come of it. Looking forward to the long term, we will need to breed more women. And...

We like an audience. AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

man that was screwed up but sooo funny. post around a bit and i'll put this up, no worries.

[Nephilim]

hahahah oh god that was a blast. i can image an alien dictating this to a group of dumbfounded rednecks. this was a very interesting take on what we often see as uniform in movies and such. youre ideas are so fun that i think there need to be more of them, make people queasy at the thought of what theyll do to us. good luck buddy.

[Emense]

Ha funny but it wasn't really written well. Ah well, good story

[SaulKSD98]

i liked how it didnt follow a perticular format and how you had to use some context to figure whats going on. i like the deep sowed humor and how the story ends on every man getting 50 women...quite....economic good job on this one

[scottswanger]

Wow. Sick and twisted at the ending. Wasn't expecting it. I like sick and twisted. Lol.

You're awfully good.

[xtremelady]

50 per man hmm, {but women don't despair - theirs plenty of aliens going spare.}

Incredibly funny and enjoyable - but being a lady have to ask with a shudder of distaste 'bugs?!!!!' lol

[xtremelady]

As promised I have just re-read your story - I wanted to check my facts and make sure of what I said, since my post seemed to cause some confusion.

I think the reason two of us made reference to their being fifty women per man is; if you divide 200 million women by 4 million men = 50 women per man. This idea becomes more concrete with the mention of needing men to procreate.

Hope this helps with your questions

Claire

[ejenk21]

I see you have a point. I should have been more careful; it was an accident that there were 4 million aliens and also 4 million human males. I have made a slight change.

To be somewhat indelicate--sperm is easily collected if you don't care about the feelings of the male involved. I believe that is what we do with bulls...

[Aldo Rossi]

Very funny. I think it could be good if it was made into some sort of conversation with a human too.

[Nephilim]

i am not even sure what to say. its a great concept, a funny one. the monologue of this horrible bug creature speaking with such verve and sarcasm is really entertaining. it did get creepy tho, and i think thats why i liked it so much. like about the part where they said that they slaughtered most of the human race, i was like "siht, these guys are serious", but discomfort aside, it was a very fun read and such an original idea that it would be hard to do anything less than great with it. so what was the deal with the bug spray?

[ejenk21]

The Bugspray was what they used to kill off the men. Shpritz it into the air and they die like -- bugs. I never worked out how they got rid of the excess women. Probably they temporarily transported the good ones off-planet, then used another can of (pine-scented?) Bugspray.

[brutusshh]

You've done it again. You are soooo funny that I'm starting to think you are really an alien and are here to study us . The way the aliens justified their every action brought a BIG smile to my face, as I've just watched a film with some aliens in it and, sure enough, it had the same worn out cliche about destroying monuments. All in all, Wow! I guess that is all I wanted to tell you. TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!

['Ginnis]

The abstract humor was great as well as the mildsuperiority complex dictated in a matter of fact way by the speaker of the piece. Good job.

[alloallo3]

Very, very good. Is there anyone publishing this kind of stuff? There must be.

[lizmarienv]

pretty funny, when I read the title I thought you might be talking about my mother-in-law, by the end I was sure of it

[WingcommanderIV]

Wow that was crazily awesome.

I hope I'm one of those guys...I just hope I don't have to sleep with cockroaches too. That'd suck. Unless...well maybe if they turn off the lights...who knows.

['Ginnis]

I had to re-read (mostly for the sheer fact that i had completely forgotten i had already read and commented)..Doesn't get any less weird the second time around...

[niamhoneill]

The part I liked best was the bit about selecting the species to keep. Other than that, I thought it could have been a bit better written, but not a bad effort