[ejenk21]

Synopsis: A male, a female, a bar, an encounter.

Author's Notes: This story is fifteen percent of the reason my wife married me. It was written quite some time ago.

This is a parody. There is no intent to profit or to injure reputation.


Scene: Standard middle to lower middle class bar. Maybe 11 P.M. Bartender in his late 40's. Kermit the Frog is drinking something sweet -- something with an obvious cherry in it. He is moderately drunk; he's had two or three. He's slumped on his elbows, sipping through a straw. No one else is actually visible.

Kermit: What a pig.

Bartender: (Testing) Who's that?

K: My wife. My wife, that's who.

B: Oh. (Looks around bar, decides to risk getting involved) Been together a long time?

K: Three years. I've tried for three years. Three whole years of being married to a pig.

B: She let herself go immediately, huh? That's too bad, fellah. Not too common. Usually takes at least a few months, four, five. I've heard it before, though. Gorgeous, careful, good grooming right up to the wedding. The next day, PFFFT. No makeup, ratty hair, housecoat all day long.

K: That's not it.

B: Good to hear. That's the hardest thing to fix. Anything but that. What is she, fat?

K: She's always been fat. All right. Not fat. Plump. Chunky. (He smiles wryly) Porky, you might say. (Smile gone) She can't help it. It's her nature. All of her family is like that.

B: (Almost withdraws. One more shot) Then she's a lousy housekeeper? Unh. Not surprising. What woman today knows which end of a broom is up?

K: (Shakes head from side to side) She's not a woman, she's a pig!

B: (Certain that he's got it right) Sure, pal, sure. Listen, if I had a dime for every unwashed dish I've heard about, a quarter for every unmade bed, a buck for every mildewed shower stall, I'd be a trillionaire.

K: (Maudlin, almost weeping) No, no, NO, no, no, no NO.

B: (Gives up) Right. Absolutely right. Shouldn't have said anything. None of my business. You want another drink?

K: I don't mind.

B: Whiskey sour still? Or maybe a change. Margarita?

K: I mean I don't mind you talking... what's your name?

B: Jim. Everybody calls me Jim.

K: I'm Kermit, Jim. Kermit the Frog.

B: Hadn't noticed.

K: You don't have to be polite.

B: Not being polite. Number one, this is an equal opportunity bar. Number two, I don't see people, I see drinks. See over there, against the wall? Bud. Tequila Sunrise. Black Russian. Wine cooler. Drinks, just drinks. What's yours?

K: I'll stick to this. Mixing makes me sick.

B: Right. Whiskey sour coming up.

K: Jim. Take a good look at me. A really good look.

B: (Busy preparing, and irritated from before) Hey, I haven't got time...

K: I'm a frog. And I'm married to a pig.

B: Let's not start this again.

K: A pig. A real pig. Not just somebody sloppy. A real, live, snuffling, oinking pig.

B: (Really looks him over) You got a genuwyne problem, pal. At least one.

K: You ain't just a-whistling Dixie.

(Bartender is silent for a while. He knows better, but curiosity overcomes him. He starts wiping down the bar)

B: All right. You got me. Why did a frog marry a pig?

K: She loved me. At least she said so. Well, she said I loved her. She kept telling me I loved her.

B: Did you?

K: I must have. We were on stage together for years. TV, actually. Maybe you remember the Muppets. An ensemble company.

B: Vaguely. I just watch sports and cop shows.

K: Anyway, I was the male lead, she the female. She was a natural in roles calling for stylish self-indulgence. Costume dramas. She's big on clothes. Big in them too, ha ha ha.

B: Was she pretty in her outfits?

K: Yah, I guess so. Especially when she wore a choker.

B: Eh?

K: That's one of those bands a girl wears around her neck. You've seen 'em a million times. Black velvet, usually. Maybe with a cameo. Think of Melanie Wilkes in Gone With The Wind.

B: Got it.

K: She could be sweet and demure and bat her eyes. But she preferred playing queens. Queens have everything: riches, beauty, power, adoration. (Pause) Greed, vainglory, imperiousness, scorn.

B: (Knows he shouldn't) What's imperiousness?

K: People who give orders and like it are imperious. Napoleon. Kaiser Wilhelm. Lady Macbeth. Indira Gandhi.

B: What did you play?

K: Oh, the usual. Boyfriends, husbands. If she was a clever goose girl, I was a simple shepherd. If she was a spunky princess, I was a shy neighbor prince. If she was a brilliant young surgical resident, I was the backward-looking chief of surgery.

B: You don't sound too happy.

K: Oh, I didn't mind. It was just an act, after all.

B: Was it?

K: (Growing agitation) Of course. Do you take me for a fool? All show business is like that. Role playing for the public. Do you think Jerry Lewis is really plagued by epileptic seizures? Do you think Bo Derek has silicone between her ears? Don't you know Dolly Parton is really a hassock salesman from Davenport?

B: (Disbelieving) Didn't know about Parton.

K: (Superior and sarcastic) Grow up friend. Just grow up.

B: Hey, Mr. Whiskey Sour, you can just finish slurping and get out of here. You bought a drink, not a tonguing license.

K: (Crumbles instantly) I'm sorry, Jim. Guess I got carried away.

B: Carry you OUT in a minute.

K: (Whining) Sorry. Sorry. I apologize. I really do. Really. I'm just feeling so blue. (Long pause. Slumps, chin on bar. Raises head, tips sideways in characteristic Kermit gesture, starts singing feebly)

Song sung blue, weeping like a willow
Song sung blue, (Chuckles) I'm an armadillo
(Mock ferocity) When I'm green, then I'm mean
Things can never throw me
(Face screws up again) Turn the screw, turn me blue
Rack and ruin own me

(Smacks bar) Jim! Give me another!

B: Don't think so. How 'bout some coffee?

K: (Wheedles) Irish coffee?

B: Plain java's what you need.

K: I want another drink.

B: What would your wife say?

K: (Peevish, but honest) Give it to him. What harm will he do? He has to take a cab anyway. I do all the driving.

B: Wait a minute. You don't drive any more?

K: (Sensing betrayal) You think I'm a real wimp, don't you? I can hear it in your voice.

B: (Antagonism won't do his bar any good) Don't think anything about my customers if I can avoid it.

K: I don't drive, never did, because I'm too short. I recognize that I'd just be a danger to others, trying to see over a steering wheel. But you thought it was her bossing me around. Isn't that right?

B: No. (Gives him plain coffee)

K: Sure it was. Jim, that's not the problem. It's the little things. Like Thanksgiving dinner. We have her family over. Two, three, four dozen pigs. A lot of food. A lot of noise. A lot of pushing and shoving. They can't help it, they're pigs. Every year the house becomes a barn. Fine. I understand. Once, though, I'd like to have MY family. But I can't. I have 43 surviving brothers and sisters. I have 1287 first cousins.

B: So? How much can flies for 1500 cost you?

K: (Unappreciative of the joke) Ha ha ha. We can't fit that many into the house.

B: Hire a hotel room.

K: Now that IS expensive. I'd do it, but you lose all the homeyness.

B: (Deadpan) Norman Croakwell would never paint it.

K: Then there's sex.

B: Keep it private, Kermit.

K: (Slightly brighter in mood) The sex is fun. Not what I expected, but fun. It's her love of costumes. Silk, fur, feathers. I play along with the gag. (Sits up sharply) I don't mean that literally.

B: No problem.

K: (Broods again) But I can't take the mud. She wants to do it in mud. (Smiles, remembering) A long time back, when I was a kid... But you outgrow that, you know?

B: (To change subject) You still work together, do you?

K: Nope. We tried it, but it didn't work. She does public TV now. She's a spokespig for animal rights.

B: Spokespig.

K: Certainly. They have spokespigs, spokesoxen, spokesgeese, spokessardines...

B: Spokesfrogs.

K: Not every species feels threatened. Those that do often want to be identified separately. Sheep feel they'd be undermining their position if they were lumped in with wolves and given a spokesmammal. IF I cared, I might go so far as a spokesamphibian.

B: Amphibian.

K: On the other hand, I don't want to be part of any radical fringe. The "Brave Newt Worlders", for example.

B: Wonder why I haven't heard of any of this.

K: (Looks around sneakily) It's an underground.

B: (Cautious) Huh?

K: (Overloud, still drunken laugh) They're WORMING their way into human society! They have MOLES in the government! They're GRUBBING for power!

B: It's getting close to quitting time. Feeling better?

K: Yeah.

B: Ready to leave? Call your wife?

K: (Sniffs. Won't play along) No.

B: Call you a cab, then?

K: You're a good listener, Jim, but no.

B: How will you get home? Hop a freight?

K: You're hilarious, Jim. Simply hilarious. Excuse me. I have to use the tadpole's room. (Heads off unsteadily)

(Fifteen second pause. Bartender rinses glasses. A really spiffy lemon cream colored salamander sits down at Kermit's stool. She has a great pair of bright red branching gill structures. She has on a tube sheath with thick gold jewelry suggesting African Ubangi neck rings)

Salamander: (Slinky whisper with pronounced sibilant lisp) A ssstinger, please.

(She is something. Even a man takes notice. While he works, she taps long, long salamander digits on the bar. She is on the make)

B: Don't get much call for stingers. Where'd you learn to like them, Miss...?

S: (The whisper and lisp are permanent) Francesss. In Boston.

B: I'm Jim, Frances. Never been to Boston.

S: Nice town, but full of competition. Too many girls for the available boys. I don't like to waste time fighting for a place in the sun.

B: This joint doesn't get too many real lookers, Frances. Welcome. Here's your stinger.

S: Thanksss. (Sips provocatively)

K: (Returns with bills in his hand and eyes searching the floor) Thought I had a tenspot in here. Musta blown off the bar. (He tries to sit on the stool without looking. His behind connects solidly with hers)

S: I don't mind ssskipping the preliminaries, but could I at least know your name?

K: (Classical Kermit) Yeeeipe!

S: 'Ts OK, honey. I won't burn you.

K: (Profusely apologetic, and still drunk) I'm sorry, sorry. I thought that was my stool. Wasn't I sitting there, Jim? (Takes next stool)

B: (Winks at Salamander. Going to have a bit of fun) Nope, Kermit, you were on the next seat. The lady may have a harassment case.

K: What? What are you saying? You know I wouldn't THINK of that. (Bewildered, flustered, suspicious) Oh, this is awful. Don't believe him, Miss...

S: Francesss. (She strokes her gills) Maybe I should. Would you harass me if you could get away with it?

K: (Without thought) No! No! Of course not. (Slows down, finally begins to comprehend what is happening) Well.... (Gulp) I... (Gulp, gulp) I suppose in theory... Heh, heh, heh. It's an interesting question.

S: (Strokes the bar with her ultra-long, thin fingers) Yesss. Interesssting. (Her intentions are becoming unmistakable. She transfers her stroking to his neck. He jerks visibly in time to her strokes. His mouth works silently. He wants -- and doesn't -- to stop her. She knows this, and helps him out) Do not be nervous. I am a trained masseuse. What do you do?

K: (Blurts it out) I'm married!

S: (Deeply ironic interest) As a profession?

B: (Chuckles)

K: (To Bartender) You shut up! (To her) No, not you. I--we--YOU better stop this.

S: Stop what?

K: Stop touching me!

S: Your wife is jealous, is she?

K: Wouldn't you be?

S: I am from Europe. European wives are more -- self-confident. Less possessive. More adventurous. Broader minded.

K: Are you a wife?

S: Sometimesss. Not just now. My husband died recently. In the saddle.

K: You were married to a cowboy?

S: (Silvery laugh) Tres amusant! You are so funny. And so nervous. What do you do, my jittery one?

K: I'm in TV. I write, I direct, I produce. And I act, too.

S: I am impressed. I, too, was an actress.

K: (Removes her hand from his neck) Really? Where was that?

S: A dump near Berdyczew.

K: I don't know...

S: Berdyczew is in Poland. To tell the truth, it wasn't a dump, it was an abandoned, flooded mine. I was young, and foolish, and they told me I was a beauty, so I performed. Someone said I reminded them of Marlene Dietrich.

K: Were you encouraged?

S: I was fertilized. (She takes his hand) You know, you have nice skin. Cold. Smooth. Just a hint of slime. I like that. Makes me think of my Daddy. (Leans against him)

K: (Now or never, and he knows it) I have to go.

S: (She makes her play) Your place or mine?

K: My place? But my wife...

S: (Grabs him by the shoulders) She isn't home, is she. (Kermit looks pleadingly at Bartender. Bartender takes a maraschino cherry, puts his head back, poses the cherry on his lips, and noisily SUCKS it into his mouth)

K: (Defeated) She's in Nebraska. A horse corn judging contest.

S: Horse corn. Sounds important.

K: Well it is, to a pig.

S: (She looks quizzically at Bartender. He nods to confirm. She sighs) What a waste of prime, good-looking frog. (She gestures to Bartender) Do you have a pen? (He supplies it. She writes on a napkin) Here's my address. I'll be there in 10 minutes. In seventeen, I'll be glistening. In nineteen, I'll be in something slippery. In twenty, I'll have warm jazz on the CD player. In fifty I'll be dead to the world. You have a thirty minute window starting in twenty minutes. (She drops a bill on the bar. The Bartender tips an imaginary hat. She gets up, gives napkin to Kermit. As she wiggles out, lashing her tail, she turns to him) It's your move, Kermie. Just remember, I'm a commoner. I've got no use for a prince. (She exits)

(Kermit stares at the napkin. Unbidden, the Bartender puts another whiskey sour in front of him. He pushes it aside, and continues to finger the napkin. At last, he folds the napkin carefully and sticks it in a pocket)

K: Jim, there's 24-hour restaurants, right?

B: Right.

K: And 24-hour supermarkets, right?

B: Right.

K: And 24-hour wedding chapels, right?

B: Right.

K: Is there such a thing as a 24-hour lawyer?

(Bartender hands him a thick yellow pages. He starts running his finger down the listings as

THE CURTAIN FALLS)

[JirQUEST]

great voice. very little description, but i dont think that's necessary for a piece like this.

[Corneac]

That was brilliant. I enjoyed it form beginning to end, as a fan of the muppets as a child the manenrism and descriptions of Kermit were ingenius. I had a smile on my face from start to finish.

[Syrah]

No points.

I loved how this played out. The piece itself moves very quickly. The use of Kermit and Ms Piggy and the Salamander, etc was very amusing touch- that in the long run gives range to possible metaphors and personal interpretations of such.

I had read this a long time ago and was such that when I realized I had --I was not disappointed in reading it again. As in with scripts, the description was just right and was visual enough to keep the reader picturing everything and the dialogue was well played out to be completely believable.

[McCoy]

I really loved the bartender here, great dialog, good job