[ejenk21]

Synopsis: Star Wars alternative

Author's notes: This is a parody. There is no intent to profit or to injure reputation.

This was written before Lucas created his 4th picture. I thought he was serious about not doing more Star Wars.


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June 12


George Lucas
16444 Malibu Cliffs Rd
Malibu, Calif. 92345



Georgy Boy -


I can't believe how long it's been since we've touched base. I've been working in TV in (of all places) Duluth, Minn. Public Broadcasting stuff. Maybe you've seen CONCUBINES OF COCHIN. Probably my best piece. Of course, the power suits liked OUR MAMMALS, OUR SELVES, and similar mush. Eh, it's a living.

I've had this idea, and I'm sure you'll love it. I know you kept control of the SW pictures, but I've always felt you'd let someone else try if the concept was respectful. So here I am begging you as a college buddy to let me pitch this and get the hell out of Duluth.

You have the number, I know you do, but just in case it's 735-332-8951. As soon as I'm there its Kristoff's on La Cienaga for the langostino.


Ciao,

Roger


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It is fifteen years since the Empress Leia ascended the throne.

After the exhausting battles of Truman's World and the failure of the Schismatic Entente, the remaining forces of the Empire, under Targon the Ugly, agreed to an armistice with the woefully fragmented Rebellion.

In a move which surprised and relieved all parties, the droid FU2 proposed the weaving of the monarchic and republican threads in the person of Leia. For this masterstroke FU2 was ultimately awarded the unique position of suzerain over the Domain of Droids, one of the many splinters resulting from the near-disintegration of the Empire.

Leia, then on maternity leave from her duties as Grubmistress for the XIth Corps (the famous Legion of Chitin), was summoned to the conference. She almost refused the throne, but was persuaded to accept by the pleas of her dead mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi insisted that it had long been her destiny to rule, and that the Galaxy would be physically ripped apart by perturbations of the Force if she did not pick up the sceptre.

So, wearing a gown that bore her own weight in diamonds and radiagems, the Princess turned mother became Leia I, BackQueen of the sSmyyS, Centernode of the Neural Net, President of the Reconstituted Republic of Poon, Domina of Droids, and many other titles.

Her husband, Han Solo, interstellar pirate, was rather awkwardly granted the title of Consort, and amnesty in the eleven jurisdictions where he was sought for such varied crimes as ocean-stealing, unlicensed spearing of offspring, and the Ultraviolet Scam.

Leia has aged well, and, at forty, is still attractive without the artifices on which, being Empress, she could spend the taxes of ten planets. Her skin is smooth, her body lean despite two births, and only the long strands of iron which streak her hair suggest her true age.

She is unhappy, however, as the keen pleasures of marrying a scoundrel long ago rusted into dull resentment. Han was never a likely candidate for child-dandling, and at forty-four he is rarely around the Palace. He openly berates himself for being foolish enough to remain an appendage; yet his network of disreputable contacts has decayed like his own muscles and cannot be rebuilt. The loss of Han's coppery body is by itself an irritant that Leia constantly tries to dismiss. She knows that as Empress she could have the attentions, even sincere ones, of thousands of perfect men, perfect in body, mind, and/or soul. She is haunted by this, and yearns to yield to her own Dark Side.

Leia bears the crown uneasily. Her children already display the flaws which will prevent either from succeeding her. Ruthenia at nineteen has disastrously chosen to mate with a Hezoon, and will never again move from the tank where her beloved herds schools of small fish to her mouth; she is rooted, a sessile polyp-woman.

Rufus at sixteen is a surly mutation of Han at the same age. He has used the glittering pomp and ritual of the court as a lure for women young and old -- and, it is rumored, lifeforms whose classification as female is merely a zoologist's courtesy.

Rufus has not the visible example of his father, but he has been touched by Han's bitterness, which is not wholly without foundation. Early in her reign, in the brief intoxication of power and purpose, Leia responded to a marital squabble with Imperial rage. Chewbacca the Wookie, Han's faithful chum, was in heat and uncontrollably dripping hormones in what she regarded as her personal snack kitchen. She had him neutered.

It can be argued that Leia rather than Han is the failed parent. She has never been able to contain the streak of sarcasm that began to be truly marring when she was a teenager, and, as a princess, able to lord it over her companions. It took its toll of her husband--actually a much more sensitive man than he appeared--and the infants of whom she expected so much. Han was proud, and more important, he was mobile, but the children could not escape the Imperial scoldings and cuffings.

Uncle Luke Skywalker might have saved the day, and provided a friendly, concerned adult for the children to turn to, but he, alas, never recovered from the loss of Kull-uyt, his six-breasted Kullian girlfriend.

A hero of the Rebellion, Luke was charmed and wooed by dozens of delicious beauties. But his respect was won by Kull-uyt, who burned his X-winged ass with a blaster bolt in a neat practice maneuver near the Chocolate Dwarf globular cluster. From then on, they were inseparable.

Leia could hardly stomach the blustery pilot who kept leathery bits of her foes dangled as trophies from her breastsplate. But her ill opinion did not matter as long as the war went on and every fighter was essential. After the treaty of Gnug, the Commandress-in-Chief had the Kullian posted to a fort circling the unstable binary star, Lewis-Martin. She was as surprised as anyone when the star collapsed and left the girl trapped inside the event horizon.

To this day, Luke religiously drops rocket pods with love poetry down the gravity well. He studies with mystics of the Force, hoping to tune his powers to sufficient strength to drag his ladylove back from the shadows of spacetime. Often, however, he seeks to smother his memories by carousing around the Galaxy, wenching and drinking, often with Solo.

For several years now, the Empire has been sunk in an economic depression. Cheap and well-made goods from the Suntorri Hegemony have come flooding in despite tariffs, embargoes, currency manipulations, and stiffly-worded position papers by SABER, the Stellar Advisory Board for Economic Resuscitation.

The Empress, distrustful of her academics, takes a direct hand in trade negotiations. The Suntorri ambassador--nearly human, except for doubly large genital organs--explains, with his usual patience, the intertwined legal/religious system that offers no protection to foreign inventions, yet regards certain Suntorri manufactures as holy monopolies and punishes foreign sales of these items as sacrilege. Leia's protest that feeding foreigners to the traditional demon lizards violates common Galactic commercial practice is met with condescension. To Fwug, the ambassador, her failure to take account of religious norms different from her own is clear and distasteful evidence of primitivism.

Leia goes beyond ignoring the warnings of those who are brave enough to tell her that there is no withdrawal from the Suntorri embrace without economic hemorrhage. She exiles some, secretly executes the more vocal. She plots war. She even plans to revive the Black Knights, renegade Jedi like her father, Darth Vader. Their selfish use of the Force was responsible for the near-crushing of the Rebellion. Only a dramatic appearance by Obi-Wan Kenobi in the middle of a dazzling court ball is enough to deter the Imperial will.

But fortunately for Leia, Rufus detonates the conflict. He seduces Fwugilla, female sex-bud of the ambassador, and purloins her away to his love-nest sunk below the surface of Progesteron.

Fwug is infuriated, not by the kidnapping, which was one of the duller things done to sex-buds in his youth, but by the bud's complaint that Rufus is less than half what she was hoping for. Failing to satisfy is bud abuse, a violation of the antepenultimate sacred values of his culture.

War reunites the old trio of Leia, Han, and Luke. Leia assumes the role of Grand Strategist. This appeals to the mythology of several subject peoples, including the Kullians. They propose a demonstration of loyalty: they will warp a whole planetoid through hyperspace and crash it into Motel VI, a world reserved for shrines and temples to Dili-Dili, the Suntorri deity of non-ferrous metals. Leia is touched. That will show those squideaters that the Empire is not some pantywaisted, monotheistic backwater.


Luke suddenly realizes that Kull-uyt was not unique. Far from it; she was one of hundreds of parthenogenic daughters of Kull-oys, all with identical DNA, identical upbringing, and nearly-identical personalities. He picks one at random and pairs up with her. In a few weeks he sheds forty pounds and has his hair regenerated. He joyfully brings Kull-uzk to Leia, receives her blessing, and races off to join the fighting 404th Starcruiser Brigade, a.k.a. the "Naked Singularities".

But before he goes, there is a scene of reconciliation. Han sees the path his son has taken and recognizes his own self of years before. Except that the kid has never had a proper masculine model. Rufus is Han without the flair, the cunning, the lore that kept Han from getting caught. Two men and a boy, loaded with gold, descend into the into the moral inferno of the Fleshpot Nebula. Three men emerge--drained, relieved, and ready for battle. Han and Rufus fly off in the "Nutcracker Sweet".

The Supreme Armada, thousands of ships produced by the now-humming factories of the Empire, sweeps into the Hegemony.


And has its ass whipped. Superior Suntorri technology wastes the toys with rishon beams and wormhole mines. Luke surrenders the pitiful remnant. Han and Rufus are taken prisoner.

A huge image of Yoda appears, sitting in space, shaking his head. "Stupid they were," he says. "Spent they did, more than they made, with never a thought for the day after. To make even a working clothespin they forgot. Oh well. Forever the Force is. And there is still the polyp."

Now, being an avid Star Wars fan (see avatar), I was anxious about reading this. It must be said, it's so easy to do parodies on things like this ('Star Bores', 'Star Warped'), and the ones I've read manage to take the piss so much, but I still love that and the source material. You've done a good job here, it made me laugh...FU2, very clever and you've taken some time over this and I think it's a good parody. Well done to you, ejenk21, on not removing my love for lucas' work (even though I can pick every fault, it'll never get old for me).

[isidra]

h4ehehehh. coincidence i just watched star wars yesterday... hahahhah, he should make something like your ploot to add on. enjoyed it.

[Tahn]

Nice dude, this is funny stuff. Nothing like a good Star Wars parody, good job on being creative.

[Belle86]

Hehe... This is too funny... and I haven't had a good giggle in a while.

[lizmarienv]

mawhahah funny

[Timmay]

hah. that was good. i hated those movies. especially the new ones

[alloallo3]

Just want to point out that the writing is really good. Nice flow, clever, and eminently readable.