[gonzoadrenaline]

AUTHORS NOTES: I mean for this to amuse.

By: Taylor Dante Ricoli-Bertoncini

O.K. This is it. It's now or never. I'm either gonna make it or I'm gonna die trying.

He was clenching his jaw in frustration. He'd been trying all day and just couldn't seem to work up the courage. He new there was nothing to save him once he took that plunge.

But today is the day! Today is the day, he was practically screaming. I have to do this. I have to make my break now. Life is far too short to sit here day after day, after day. The same old water, the same old food. The same old slimy disgusting rocks all over the ground. Maybe once in a while someone could clean the place up. It's not like I can do anything. All I ask for is a little attention. The glass is very dirty and I'm starting to feel sick.

Perhaps that was the real reason he had decided to do it today. That was the reason why he had made up his mind to get out now. He had endured it for far too long, possibly months. His memory wasn't as good as he remembered it being. That was another symptom of this place, he was sure. Ever since he had left the nice, bright, clean place with all the friendly helpful people and been taken by the smelly girl with the purple hair, to the dark smelly place with all the bad, dirty people, he'd been feeling weird. Just odd, not quite himself, forgetful and rundown. So today was the day.

I'm sick. That's what it is; I'm sick and tired of all the same disgusting people in and out all the time. All hours of night and day they come, knocking on the door. They come in, they sit down. Dirty, gross, wretched people. Sometimes they bring others with them, but usually it's the same vile bunch. They burn those stinky rocks and then they sit there for hours, tearing things apart and never quite putting them back together. When I get out of here and I'm gone, they'll see.

It would normally go on like this for a few hours till he'd calmed down and forgotten about everything. As fate would have it of course, on this particular day things were about to get a little more interesting.

Who is this guy? He doesn't look familiar. And that guy by the door is really creeping me out. Something terrible is about to happen and I need to make my break now.

This was it. He decided to do it now. He swam furiously to the other end of the bowl and then back again, building up momentum. He had always figured that if he could smash into the side of the bowl hard enough, he could knock it off that stupid little table and he'd ride the disgusting wave of putrid water all the way to the door. He hadn't really thought about much more than that, but he was confident that his plan would succeed.

This is gonna work, this is gonna work. This is brilliant. Why haven't I had the courage to do this before? I'm out of here; I am so out of here. This is it. One . . . Two . . . THREE!!!

At that very moment all hell broke loose. The man by the door pulled out a gun and shot the girl, with the stinky purple hair, in the face, grey matter splattered against the fishbowl. The girl collapsed against that wretched table, spilling the bowl against the back wall and down on the floor. The greasy, longhaired scrawny guy that slept with the stinky, purple haired girl grabbed a shotgun from under the couch and tore a gigantic hole in the new guy's chest.

It was at this time that the fish realized the futility of life, not just of his own but of all those around him. All the lives here had been wasted for nothing. In a small town getting too big for it's britches, there are those people that get left behind or swept up in the counter-culture to the extent that they lose themselves. It's all so pointless; all my planning was in vain. I've wasted all my time worrying about getting out when I could have been enjoying what I had.

It was only now, after all this that he realized the futility of it all. Now as he drew his last breath he conceded to the pure existential hell of life. The sadness was now overwhelming and as he lay there, on the floor, fighting the urge to flop around in panic and gave himself over to the feeling that was washing over him like a tight, dry blanket of fury and hopelessness.

I just want to go back to the pet store!!!

[Timmay]

damn. just a little bleak, huh? it was kinda weird, in the sence that it was all in a fish's perspective. i like the last line, he just wants to be back with the creator. i think you should get out a little though, kuz life isnt this emo or goth

[gonzoadrenaline]

Who are you and how old do you think I am? This is a funny story! I have lived in a small town of tweekers and stoners and rednecks all my life. I'm sorry if you guys didn't get it, but no it's not about getting back to mom. It's about how much it would suck to be a fish in a tweeker pad.

Again I apologize that no one got it. Please read again with a sick sense of humor. Also I made a few revisions. Again please enjoy.

Pure Gonzo Adrenaline

PS: Can anyone figure my name out or what?

[Lubesh]

Originally Posted by gonzoadrenaline

Who are you and how old do you think I am? This is a funny story! I have lived in a small town of tweekers and stoners and rednecks all my life. I'm sorry if you guys didn't get it, but no it's not about getting back to mom. It's about how much it would suck to be a fish in a tweeker pad.

Again I apologize that no one got it. Please read again with a sick sense of humor. Also I made a few revisions. Again please enjoy.

Pure Gonzo Adrenaline

PS: Can anyone figure my name out or what?

Why did u categorise it as Dark?...let me know and i can move this to humour and hopefully that may aid ur intent.

[ejenk21]

I found this somewhat interesting but not particularly funny. If you wanted funny, it should have had more of the kind of thing that makes the reader laugh over the perspective shift to the fish. For example --

The same old slimy disgusting rocks all over the ground

That this is noticeable and irritating to a fish a fish is, I think, funny.




Why did you repeat

the stinky purple haired girl

three times? Why not just "the girl" after the first one? I assume you had a reason.




You have to pay more attention to spelling. The reader will ignore a typo or two, but it is distracting when it looks like the author did not really care.

He new there --- knew

too big for it's briches --- britches

they loose themselve --- lose themselves

[gonzoadrenaline]

I know, I tried so hard to stay with that feeling but I kinda lost it. I appreciate your real critisizm.

[alja123]

I actually found this pretty funny.
If I wasn't meant to be working right now I promise I would have laughed out loud.

Fishes being aquired by stoners and the like is fairly common and its about time someone wrote about one.

A suicidal fish is funny.
A fish that doesn't like it's enviroment is funny.
A fish that spends it's last few moments philosophising about life is hilarious.

I disagree with ejenk's 2nd criticism. Your use of repetition and stuff in the language is sound, and fits in with the fact that the narrator is not a person but in fact a fish (not sure if that was intended, but it's the impression I got.).

[lizmarienv]

Ha this was great. (I kind of feel bad for the fish in my past now however) hmmm small town full of tweakers. I totally get it. I enjoy stories from another perspective and have to say I wouldn't have ever thought about going with a fish.

[ejenk21]

I disagree with ejenk's 2nd criticism.

Really? You DARE to disagree with one the finest minds of the eighteenth century? Well I never...

Anton Ego

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by alja123

I actually found this pretty funny.
If I wasn't meant to be working right now I promise I would have laughed out loud.

Fishes being aquired by stoners and the like is fairly common and its about time someone wrote about one.

A suicidal fish is funny.
A fish that doesn't like it's enviroment is funny.
A fish that spends it's last few moments philosophising about life is hilarious.

I disagree with ejenk's 2nd criticism. Your use of repetition and stuff in the language is sound, and fits in with the fact that the narrator is not a person but in fact a fish (not sure if that was intended, but it's the impression I got.).

Thank you sooo much. These are tweekers though, not stoners. Stoners don't get blown away over dels in Gras Valley, yet!

I love that you got the whole story and dead on I might add. I really tried to get the three points that you made across and am pleased you noticed. Again, thank you so kindly.

Taylor Ricoli-Bertoncini

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by ejenk21

Really? You DARE to disagree with one the finest minds of the eighteenth century? Well I never...

Anton Ego

Funny, funny guy!

[RENA HANDS]

I remember this story and many apologies for not commenting earlier. The suspense culmination was marvelous. I much enjoyed the irony of real human emotions associated with the feelings of a dying fish. The spelling errors have already been stated by Ejenk21 so I will not restate them and please watch as you are repeating your ideas...

Four times I counted the same image.

Ever since he had left the nice, bright, clean place with all the friendly helpful people and been taken by the smelly girl with the purple hair, to the dark smelly place with all the bad, dirty people, he'd been feeling weird.

The man by the door pulled out a gun and shot the stinky purple haired girl in the face, grey matter splattered against the fishbowl.

The man by the door pulled out a gun and shot the stinky purple haired girl in the face, grey matter splattered against the fishbowl. The stinky purple haired girl collapsed against that wretched table, spilling the bowl against the back wall and down on the floor.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by RENA HANDS

I remember this story and many apologies for not commenting earlier. The suspense culmination was marvelous. I much enjoyed the irony of real human emotions associated with the feelings of a dying fish. The spelling errors have already been stated by Ejenk21 so I will not restate them and please watch as you are repeating your ideas...

Four times I counted the same image.

Because that's just how the fish knows her. I didn't wanna giveher a name or anything just the girl with the stinky, purple hair.

[Timmay]

Originally Posted by Lubesh

Why did u categorise it as Dark?...let me know and i can move this to humour and hopefully that may aid ur intent.

lol. its categorise as dark, kuz its dark as a goth in the night. it might be funny, but in the core, it is dark, the same way sideways was a comedy, not a drama

[Timmay]

however, reading it again, listening to baby appeal (live, not that recorded shit) at the same time out of a right speaker on my comp kuz the left one was broken, i liked this story better. it was funny in the sence i found hostel funny, (because it was porn the first half and brutally gross the second?) becuase you must have a fucked sence of humor, excuse my fuckin mouth.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by Timmay

however, reading it again, listening to baby appeal (live, not that recorded shit) at the same time out of a right speaker on my comp kuz the left one was broken, i liked this story better. it was funny in the sence i found hostel funny, (because it was porn the first half and brutally gross the second?) becuase you must have a fucked sence of humor, excuse my fuckin mouth.

Thank you for rereading it, that's awesome.

[Timmay]

lol. im sorry dude, one problem i ahve is having this in the parody section. sure, its funny, but its a bit more of an extremely black comedy. extremely.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by Timmay

lol. its categorise as dark, kuz its dark as a goth in the night. it might be funny, but in the core, it is dark, the same way sideways was a comedy, not a drama

He makes a really good pont here perhaps you need a darker humor section just for it!