[Gurdit]

Summer in some parts of India isn’t quite definitive. It’s not really a season. For more than nine months a year, summer is any day on which the sun shines. But, when real summer arrives in March, it acts as a natural stove right through to May. Towards the end of May, the rain-clouds start gathering. Accompanied by thunder, drops of water fall like nectar, quenching the thirst of the earth.

On a late May morning, Ankita Sudhakar waved her husband goodbye as he left for work, and then ran back inside the house quickly to get out of the rain. It was the monsoon’s first downpour, and it was quite heavy. The sky was black with clouds, and just as she closed the door, the lights went off, shrouding the house in semi-darkness.

“Wonderful!” she said softly to herself, rolling her eyes.

Tying up her hair in a loose knot behind her head, she walked over to the large windows to draw the curtains in order to allow some of the dim light from outside to fall in. Then she picked up the newspaper and walked over to the breakfast table, where her customary morning cup of tea was waiting for her. Normally, she’d have had tea on the porch with Ananth, her husband. This was the first time in the seven months they had been married that he had to skip this morning ritual. She looked at the wet porch and thought about him, smiling. Today of course, the rain and his early morning meeting with his boss effectuated her having to have tea alone, inside the house.

She pulled a chair out, sat down, took a sip of the hot brown liquid and unfolded the newspaper. The front page was full of news about the recently inaugurated Indian Premier League of Cricket. There was also a story about yet another sting operation, which proved that yet another well-known politician was corrupt. And of course, there was an account of some act of terrorism somewhere in the world. Yesterday, thirteen people had died. Ankita skimmed through the stories, turning the pages over quickly. She liked reading the world news and the comics before the local news section. Hewlett-Packard had invented a new electronic device called the memristor. Barack Obama had won yet another primary and was now almost confirmed as the Democratic Party’s nominee for the 2008 US Presidential Elections. China was still calling the Dalai Lama a terrorist (well, that’s what they were implying anyway) and the Dalai Lama was still claiming that he didn’t want independence for Tibet. And life goes on…

She was nearly done with her cup of tea when she finally arrived at page four, the national and local news page. A name in a small article caught her eye and she leaned forward as she read the news item.

Mumbai, 20 May – The famous game designer Nihal Garg died when his private plane crashed here yesterday morning amidst bad weather. Due to the failure of the on-board Instrument Landing System (ILS), the pilot was forced to try a manual emergency landing. Unfortunately, the runway was wet and the plane slid off the tarmac, slamming into an empty hangar and erupting into flames.

Two out of the other seven passengers also died and two others are battling for their lives in a local hospital. The other passengers suffered minor injuries and light burns. The pilot was killed on impact. Garg was the key creative head behind the games 'Empire of the Sun' and 'Rage', which were wildly successful in national as well as international markets.

Ankita read it twice, dwelling on each word. Then she closed her eyes and leaned back against the wooden chair. Her mind drifted back to about three years ago. It was night. His perfectly black eyes twinkled in the darkness. They were in the parking lot of their favourite restaurant, in his battered old car. She tried to remember if she was crying. She had shed tears so many times over the next few days that she felt like she couldn’t remember clearly whether she was crying on that particular night or not. It felt like she was looking at her memory through the dirty glass that time slowly puts up in your head. The details were hazy and she had to strain to remember whatever she could. His voice, however, was clear, dodging its way around the glass, speaking in her ear again now…

“I’m so sorry, Anki… I swear I love you. All I need is a little time. This is just something I need to do…”

“No Nihal. The truth is that you care about something more than you can about me. I’m not your first priority, and I’m only getting in the way of your happiness. You love something more than you love me. You can’t have both loves in your life, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I need a break. I need some time for myself,” she said.

She folded the newspaper. The last few millilitres of tea in her cup had become cold now, and she put it in with the other dishes the maid would wash later that morning. She walked into the bathroom and opened the tap. While she waited for the tub to fill, she poured herself a glass of soda. She changed into her robe and went back into the bathroom with the glass of Pepsi in her hand. Into the perfectly warm water went a bit of scented bubble-bath and, a few seconds later, Ankita.

In a few minutes, she felt as calm as she could. She realized she should have put on some music. Music…

“Come on, Nihal! It’s Euphoria! They’re my favourite band, you know that! And I’ve already got the tickets. You can’t say no!”

“I’m so sorry, Anki… I really really need to practise. The competition’s just four days away. This really means so much to me.”

“I can’t believe you’re missing a concert with me just because of your stupid computer game competition! Don’t I mean more to you than that?”

He pulled her closer in embrace and said softly, “Of course you do… of course you do… you mean more to me than anything else in the world.”

“If I did, then why did I go to that concert alone? Why did we break up? Why did I feel like if I spent my life with you, I’d spend the rest of my life playing second fiddle to a machine?” she asked aloud, perhaps to herself.

Nihal Garg was Ankita’s first love, her first boyfriend. He had amazing black eyes that seemed to shine when he was doing something he was passionate about. Of course, there were not many things he was passionate about. Nihal had always given first priority to video games. They mattered more to him than anything else. She remembered how his father was heart-broken when Nihal failed his second year of engineering. She remembered how heart-broken she was when he told her that he had decided to drop out of college and become a professional gamer.

“You can’t do that! You know how important studying is. You need to get a degree, Nihal.”

“Do I? Why? Because society wants me to? Because eighty percent of all kids in India become either doctors or engineers? Because everyone thinks that except for engineering and medicine, every other profession is a loser profession -- a profession taken up by a lack of choice or lack of talent?”

“Don’t start your anti-society idealist bullshit now. This is your whole life you’re talking about. Think about it. What opportunities do you have as a gamer in India?”

“You’re right. I don’t have many opportunities in India, and that’s why I’ve already started looking for people to sponsor me in international events. With my skills, I can get a good deal. Come on, Anki… you know I’m good. I’ve won every single gaming event I’ve entered in!”

Ankita knew he had a point. She couldn’t argue. Her helplessness got the better of her and she felt tears of frustration well up in her eyes. She turned away from him and stifled a sob.

“Anki,” he said in his gentlest voice, “Please… don’t cry… I love you…”

“I know,” she replied, “I love you too… that’s why it hurts when I see you throwing away your life like this…”

“Alright look… just give me one year… just one year. And if I don’t make it, I’ll come back and I’ll do whatever Papa wants me to. I promise… ok? … Please look at me?”

She sobbed silently for a few more seconds before she turned to look at him. He had an oddly worried expression on his face, but his eyes made her melt. The tears came faster suddenly and she put her arms around his neck.

“Just a year? You promise?” she sobbed, hugging him tight.

“I promise… just a year,” he replied. Then he kissed her.

She took another sip of cola as she remembered this conversation, the voices once again coming more clearly than the images. She remembered that that was the last time they had made out. By then, he was able to undo her bra clasp under her t-shirt with one hand. The first time he had tried to undo her bra, he had failed miserably, fumbling for seconds and then finally succeeding in snapping her strap against her back. Out of pity, she had then taken off her t-shirt and undone the clasp herself. He looked a little red, but she had dragged him closer and started kissing him.

“If you had to choose between making out and playing games, what would you pick?” she asked as she lay with her body pressed to his, both topless.

“Hmm?” he replied, staring up at the ceiling.

“Well… if you had to pick between making out with me and playing a game, what would you do?” she asked again, this time getting up onto her elbow so she could see his face.

He looked down at her, took a deep breath and said with a naughty smile on his face, “Well, that really depends on what game you're talking about, doesn’t it?"

“Idiot!” she said, giggling, hitting him with a cushion. “Why do you like playing games so much, Nihal?”

“Games… I don’t know Anki. Games are… an escape of sorts. Life is a bitch. It feels good to just escape for a while, you know?”

She said nothing but continued staring into his eyes, waiting for him to say more. When he didn’t, she said, “Go on.”

“Hmm…?” he said again as he looked down at her face. It was glowing with that smile that he loved more than anything else in the world.

“Alright,” he said, propping himself up on his elbow so he could look at her. “Games are my release, Anki. I know I seem like I’m exaggerating, but life sucks. I hate engineering. I don’t even know why I’m doing it. Sometimes when I’m sitting in the bus, looking out at the countryside, I wish I could just fly. I wish I could ride a bike that goes faster than a Ferrari and yet be able to control it perfectly. Believe it or not, sometimes I just wish I could take out a gun and shoot my lecturer in the balls.”

She giggled again. He smiled and continued, “The truth is… when I play a game, I lose track of who I am. I became the character I control. I can forget about the real world. The game becomes my reality. I can fly at will, kill people to exact revenge. I own cars and have money. I have everything I couldn’t possibly dream of getting in real life. I am invincible…

“Games don’t ask for much. They don’t even care if you play them or not. They won’t ask you questions if you shelve them for months. They don’t expect you to love them. They don’t expect you to score higher than seventy percent in your studies. They don’t care if you pick your nose in public. You can play a game whenever you want, and then switch it off whenever you want, and it will never feel bad that you did. And the best part is… when you get bored of one, you can always put it aside and play another.

“Life should be like a game, you know? Life should allow you to make mistakes and then go back and restart from a checkpoint when you fuck up. Life should let you save your best moments and play them or review them again whenever you feel like…”

His eyes, now a little moist, were shining by the time he finished speaking. Ankita felt she was lost in his eyes as he spoke. Then, as if suddenly aware of her presence, he smiled at her and she smiled back.

“Idiot,” she said affectionately, pushing him back onto the bed, giggling. He laughed too, but not for long. She was on top of him again, kissing him passionately.

Realizing her face was wet with silent tears, Ankita splashed some water from the tub onto her face and wiped it with the face towel she had kept nearby. She took another sip of the Pepsi, feeling the cool liquid trickle down her throat. It felt good. Her throat was aching slightly from the effort of not crying.

It was a few weeks after he had decided to drop out that Nihal had told her he had been selected to represent India at a gaming event in Japan. There would be participants from more than thirty countries, and they were competing to win ten thousand American Dollars and the chance to work with a top-rated game publisher to design a game of their choice. That was the last blow to a relationship already made fragile by the many small (and sometimes big) fights that had taken place between them over the course of these last few weeks. Their last date was in the same restaurant where he had taken her for their first date. She thought it was ironic – “the circle of life” was the phrase that had run through her mind then.

The breakup was her decision, and she wasn’t willing to change her mind. Defeated, he dropped her back home. She avoided his calls for the next few days. Two weeks later, he had left for Japan.

He won the championship, of course. The first thing he had done when he won was to write to Ankita. She still had that letter. His handwriting seemed a little sloppy, probably because of the excitement he had written that letter in. She didn’t reply to the letter. He kept writing for the next few months, and though she read every letter, she didn’t reply to any of them. Then, one day, the letters stopped coming altogether.

Exactly one year after he had won the Gaming Championship in Japan, his first game “Rage” was released. The storyline involved a teenager who, sick of studies, takes up boxing to take out his frustrations. As the game progressed, the protagonist acquired more skills and started displaying his rage in more violent ways, such as shooting lecturers in their nether regions. The last mission consisted of the character successfully blowing up his college with himself inside it. It ended with a red screen, which slowly faded and allowed the words “Freedom” to appear in white. In spite of the controversy, the game sold more than any other game that year. A year and a half later, Nihal, now heading a small game publishing company of his own, designed and released the game “Empire of the Sun”. Its tagline was “What if you could control the world? What if you were God?” The game sold more copies than “Rage”. Nihal Garg was now widely recognized by many financers as the man to bet on. His company had grown in leaps and bounds and a new game was set to be released next year. Rumours had it that the game, yet untitled, was an adventure game that involved the protagonist running away from home to discover his destiny. In the end, he goes back to the love he left behind.

Ankita got out of the tub, put on her robe and let the water drain. She finished her soda and put her glass away. Still in her robe, she went into her bedroom and extracted a faded, yellowed photograph of herself kissing Nihal.

“Hi,” she mumbled softly, tears welling up in her eyes, “I’m so sorry… I never stopped loving you...”

As she put the photograph away, the phone rang. She took a deep breath, gulped hard and went to answer it. She noticed that the rain had stopped. The sun was beginning to peek from behind the clouds, graced by a rainbow. She picked the phone off its hook.

“Hello?”

“Hi darling, it’s me,” said Ananth’s voice.

She smiled.

Suddenly, the electricity came back and the lights turned on again.

* * *

Note : Kara is awesome

['Ginnis]

No one writes perfectly, Gurdit. Suck up those mistakes and just edit it. =P

I critiqued over MSN, but I suppose I should make it look like I actually work here.

[Gurdit]

lol, thanks.

I think about 7 people have read it so far, and you're the first to comment.

The least you could have done was to mention that you liked it

['Ginnis]

Awww, ego tripping?

[Gurdit]

Originally Posted by 'Ginnis

Awww, ego tripping?

Ego? me? .... nah

[WorldWarCheese]

Just an year?

It should be "Just a year". I first thought it was a typo until you did it twice.

Normally I don't read the advanced section because there's never much I can do for it to help, but this was a specific request.

The only problem about the dialog is that I have nothing to say about it. It was good, natural and fluid; everything one hopes a dialogue could be (I still haven't figured out how to spell Dialog/ue). There's no tips, pointers or advice I could give (maybe someone better, who knows?) and while I focused on both the good and the bad aspects what really displayed itself was how natural it was.

When I read Ayn Rand's dialogs it's like reading a labyrinth or a puzzle that needs to be observed, discerned, decoded and finally reread to understand what everything meant was. When I read this I can almost say the next few words of a sentence because they are so natural, so human and seem like actual conversations real people would have. Thus, them being so natural, I find myself not really focusing on them at all (even though that's what I meant to do) and just going with the story.

I don't think I explained my thoughts well... hmm... (damn!)

What I'm trying to say is this dialogue is amazing in that you forget you're reading a dialog and just go on, it's so natural and real. Kinda like that, I think.... yeah.... maybe

EDIT: Oh yeah, the story kicked ass. Nice job.

EDIT2: Go read my new stories in the Amateur Fiction Section. Both. (Or all three if that third one is still on the top of the list)

[thelma&louise]

I really enjoyed this piece. I love your writing style - very imaginative and put together. All the events were organized in a way that wouldn't leave any doubt in the reader's mind. The story went at its own pace, and flowed through the whole thing. The dialogues were phenomenal and seemed authentic. The whole concept, really, was realistic. You had me captivated from beginning to end. Still, we all have those minor mistakes here and there...

And of course, there was an account of some act of terrorism somewhere in the world. Yesterday, thirteen people had died.

Maybe you should add something more to the second sentence, implying you mean they had died in the terrorist attack. Something like "Yesterday, thirteen people had died/were lost in the event." Because it seems as if you're saying thirteen people had died yesterday in the whole world. Or maybe that's just me.

Unfortunately, the runway was wet and the plane slid off the runway, slamming into an empty hangar and erupting into flames.

Perhaps you should remove the second "runway" in this sentence and insert a pronoun in its place instead. It sounds a little awkward.

It felt like she was looking at her memory through the dirty glass that time slowly puts up in your head.

I just wanted to say how much I love this line! Dirty glasses that time slowly puts up in your head...Wonderful description.

Just an year?

Just a year.

She avoided his calls for the next few days and two weeks later, he had left for Japan.

When I was reading this sentence, at first (before I got to the end of it), I thought that the phrase "two weeks later" is somehow attached to her avoiding his calls along with "the next few days". Maybe you should divide this sentence into two, as in "She avoided his calls for the next few days. Two weeks later, he left for Japan." If you notice, the period adds a little dramatic effect too.

These were as far as technicalities. But in the overall concept I didn't find anything, so I give you a double thumbs-up! Great job.

-Chris.

[Gurdit]

Originally Posted by WorldWarCheese

It should be "Just a year". I first thought it was a typo until you did it twice.

You're the second person to tell me that . I did a little research on it; turns out we can use either a or an depending on how whether or not you pronounce the "y" in "year". I don't... I pronounce it as "ear", as do most people I know, which is a vowel sound.

Normally I don't read the advanced section because there's never much I can do for it to help

Meh, you should. Even those writers whose work goes into the Advanced section can benefit from some or any kind of feedback whatsoever.

And thanks for your comment about the dialogue (which I understood perfectly). That's pretty much the effect I was going for .

Go read my new stories in the Amateur Fiction Section. Both. (Or all three

Will do. I remember I started one a long time back but had to stop in the middle for some reason and then I forgot to restart it.

* * *

Chris (?),
thanks for the wonderful compliments in the first paragraph

Maybe you should add something more to the second sentence, implying you mean they had died in the terrorist attack. Something like "Yesterday, thirteen people had died/were lost in the event." Because it seems as if you're saying thirteen people had died yesterday in the whole world.

Mmm... well, I kept it short on purpose. I wanted it to seem like it was naturally connected to the previous sentence. Also, when skimming the newspaper frontpage, you generally just see headlines like "Bomb Explodes in ____; 13 Dead", etc. But anyway, I'll try to play with that sentence a little in my head and see if I can come up with something better.

Perhaps you should remove the second "runway" in this sentence and insert a pronoun in its place instead. It sounds a little awkward.

You're the first person to notice that even though I've gone through this myself at least four-five times.

I just wanted to say how much I love this line! Dirty glasses that time slowly puts up in your head...Wonderful description.

Thank You!

Just a year.

Third person to comment on that! Hehe... ok, now you've all got me paranoid. I'm going to go look for my Wren & Martin.

When I was reading this sentence, at first (before I got to the end of it), I thought that the phrase "two weeks later" is somehow attached to her avoiding his calls along with "the next few days". Maybe you should divide this sentence into two, as in "She avoided his calls for the next few days. Two weeks later, he left for Japan." If you notice, the period adds a little dramatic effect too.

Oh, that's a brilliant suggestion. I knew I didn't particularly like that line. That is one suggestion I'll implement right away.

[WorldWarCheese]

You're the second person to tell me that . I did a little research on it; turns out we can use either a or an depending on how whether or not you pronounce the "y" in "year". I don't... I pronounce it as "ear", as do most people I know, which is a vowel sound.

Damn foreigners.

Meh, you should. Even those writers whose work goes into the Advanced section can benefit from some or any kind of feedback whatsoever.

I don't have enough experience or grammar skills to really comment on any of the stuff and I usually just end up saying "Good job!" which is nice, but not that helpful in the long run.

And thanks for your comment about the dialogue (which I understood perfectly). That's pretty much the effect I was going for .

No prob, it was nice to read.

[Nupur]

Ok, I admit I haven't read the rest of my comments, so forgive me if I say something that has already been said. I typed this yesterday... might be a little stale.

It feels really good to see that you’re trying your hand at longer stories. It’s very good. I love the story. I like how you did up the narration with little snippets from the past. The pace was a bit too fast for my liking, as in I’d have probably liked a little more detail, some more Ankita-Nihal action. But that would ruin the looking-through-a-haze kind of appeal this story has got. The haze wasn’t too thick though… I thought you’re stuck somewhere in between. You could flesh this out if you want. Add some more descriptions and stuff. I think that’s what created a problem with the characterization. It was done well, but not as well as you’re capable of. Perhaps a little more depth… showing different facets of your protagonists… something could be done. Not saying this is bad, because that’s not the case at all, just that it’s not your 100%.

Nihal’s dialogues were truly marvellous. Haha, when I read his speech about why exactly games are so wonderful, I had a weird sense of déjà vu. I remember you giving me exactly the same speech a few days back when I shouted at you for your excessive gaming habits. But anyway, coming back to the point, I loved each one of his dialogues. But where his expressions and feelings are concerned, you could go that extra mile to make sure that they’re on the same level as the actual dialogues and help in complimenting those, rather than creating a cause for comparison. For example, I started comparing… dialogues vs. descriptions of expressions and feelings and stuff. Dialogues won. And while we’re on the topic of dialogues, the depth and feeling in them was stunning, but I didn’t see any particular distinction between the speaking styles on Ankita and Nihal. If you don’t want to change their accent or mannerisms, I suggest you add in a line about their voices… or just anything to help distinguish without making me use my head. Intersperse them with descriptions. You’re good at those, your strong point. Make use of it. But that’s a very minor thing. Ignore me. Lol.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like the ending. It came too soon and though your way of saying that everything was normal about her life with Ananth was pretty good, it wasn’t as imaginative as a few other things I have seen from you. I think you have set the bar too high with the grit and strong voice you usually have in stories; I felt this was lacking somewhere.

I see a lot being borrowed from personal experience, and that particular stuff made the story more real to me. Something that could actually happen, not just a fairy (or whatever) tale. So good job there.

The description of the summer you gave in the beginning was really good, but that too could have been extended a little.

Accompanied by thunder, drops of water fall like nectar, quenching the thirst of the earth.

I sooo totally love this line!

Coming to the errors, there are a few. You really should go through this again and revise it. Right now it’s very good and is screaming to be excellent. You have a lot of potential here, just work on it.

Will list out a few of the things that troubled me here, but honestly, I really think you should rework this a little.

And life goes on…

This is perfectly fine, but the switch from past to present was a bit of a distraction. I know this is the phrase generally used, but how about changing it to something like ‘and life went on’? You’re talking specifically about the news here, and everything else is in past. Uniformity.

Garg was the key creative head behind the games Empire of the Sun and Rage, which were wildly successful in national as well as international markets.

How about putting these under quotes to minimise any kind of confusion?

She tried to remember if she was crying. There was so much of crying over the next few days that she felt like she couldn’t remember clearly whether she was crying on that particular night or not.

Crying crying crying crying crying crying. Crying has synonyms, y’know.

Anyway, seriously, the repetition really got to me here. Perhaps you could write about her being sad and stuff. Use related words, synonyms… anything, just replace the damn repeating words.

“Come on, Nihal! It’s Euphoria! They’re my favourite band, you know that! And I’ve already go the tickets. You can’t say no!”

Typo.

Listed out a few here. Many more such things to be taken of.

Overall, honestly, I liked it. It’s not perfect, neither is it the best I have read from you. And the best I have read from you is perfect. Oh wait… I’m confused… ah nevermind. You just work on this one and improve upon it. It is very good, but I’d love it if you make it perfect. Lots of potential in this one. Won’t take too much trouble. Work on it. It’s a very good story you have here though. The Indian setting is perfect. The characters are natural. Their actions are pretty natural too, and I absolutely love Nihal. Nicely done. Good stuff here.

Oh crap, forgot something. Though ‘an’ is right before ‘year’, ‘a’ is the preferred article. My MS-Word (Indian English settings) likes ‘a’, and so did my English teacher at school. Another point about spellings… you have used a mixture of British (favourite) and American (teetotaler, milliliter). Nothing wrong with it; I’d just rather that you stick to one. Meh… that’s no issue anyway. Good job.

[Venomous Vixen]

“Wonderful!” she said softly to herself, rolling her eyes.

This seemed a bit contradictory. You used an exclamation point after wonderful, making it seem like she excitedly exclaimed it, and followed that by "softly" and "rolling her eyes", perhaps an ellipses rather than an exclamation?

Not much else I picked up on grammatically, One thing, though... your opening bit (maybe the first 3-5 paragraphs) are a bit dry for me. It is very matter of fact, mundane almost and I know you have it in you to spice it up. There are glimpses of clever descriptors and images in there but they get lost between the lists you have created. To me, the opening should really grab the reader and yank them in or they will walk away and never get to the good stuff (and the rest was really good). Maybe you can play around with the order you use... maybe start with the article and then go back in time and lead up to it... you just need something that grabs you. Hope I am making sense.

Otherwise, very well done. You have a way with characters, and once the interaction began they really came to life. This is also a good plot, and what I can only guess is based a bit on fact (the statistics etc.) which is neat to get some reality with your fiction

The end was also well done, the full circle back to where life had led her now and how it was the right place, and it melted away the past and was hopeful. Well done, hun, and sorry it took so long for me to get to!