[Mickey]

‘Prince Charming” I mused.

‘My Knight in Shining armor….”

I smiled into the mirror and submerged myself in blissful memories of his face….his smile…his voice.

And last year, spinning round and round on his feet. We laughed and ignored the stares of the others as we made our own fun.

“My Lady?” He playfully bowed offering his hand. I rolled my eyes but placed my hand in his. He expertly glided around the room in perfect rhythm. I suspect the stares had to do with the fact that the speakers did not murmur a gentle classical theme, or a fluttery waltz, but a more modern “Please Don’t Stop the Music” by Rihanna. Yet we twirled across the empty dance floor for our stuck-up spectators.

When the song ended, we left, laughing. It couldn’t have been more perfect.

I quickly glanced at the clock.

“Shit!" I squeaked, then fumbled around throwing on my outfit and running a brush through my hair.

Seth and I were going to the dance again; it was our little tradition. It was just some stupid teen dance at the community center, but we made the best of it.

I heard the doorbell downstairs and panicked through my makeup. I heard my mom open the door and greet him. Crap, crap, crap, crap.

“Hey, Shawnee!” He said excitedly, coming into the room.

My mouth went slightly agape at the sight of him. His raven black hair was ruffled into a stylish mess, his icy blue eyes were like crystal, shimmering with his smile. Even though he was dressed casually, he still managed to send my heartbeat wildly out of control.

And unfortunately, he knew nothing of this. Of his power over me. I was doomed to be forever lusting after the one person who I shouldn’t. The one who had been like a brother growing up. My best friend.

He crossed the room in a few steps and hugged me tightly. He leaned out of the hug to re-examine my face.

“Did the make-up thing attack you?” He chuckled.

I turned to look at the mirror, and a black smudge ran from my eye and partially down my cheek.

“Crud," I said, snatching up a towel and rubbing against the black.

“So do I get a hello?”

“Ugh - you made me slip up. I was rushing and then you burst through the door- which by the way was a bad idea. What if I had been…..ya know…..like, in my underwear or something?”

He started cracking up.

“HAHA!” I said sarcastically ”Just knock, okay?”

“Sure, I wouldn’t want to mentally scar myself now, would I?”

I stuck out my tongue at him.

———————————————————————-

Even fewer people people showed up at the dance. After dancing like the dorks we are for nearly an hour, we sat down, exhausted.

Seth sat motionless for a while, staring ahead in deep thought. I scooted my chair closer to him.

“Something wrong?” I asked quietly.

He looked down at me and smiled a small, sad smile.

“You know this is my last year, right?” he asked sadly.

“Senior year over! You’re Free!” I said happily.

“Not quite.”

“Why?” I asked.

He sighed heavily and looked me straight in the eye “College."

“I thought you were going to wait a year. So we could go together,” I said, my smile fading.

“I was. But my parents…”

“Oh," I said quietly. It was all I was able to come up with.

“Yeah, oh," he said running his fingers through his hair. “I never wanted to do this, Shawnee; you know, if it wasn’t for them I would stay here with you.”

I nodded quietly, not looking him in the eye.

“Shawnee?” He asked, reaching out to lift my chin with two fingers.

“Where?” I whispered, still avoiding his gaze.

“Here. Just not here, here. I’m going to get a dorm at SSU.”

We were both quiet for a while. I felt like I was going to throw up, and my head was going to explode at the same time.

“Can we go home now?” I asked.

He was quiet for a minute; I could feel his eyes on my face. “Yeah.”

He pulled me up and we walked in silence to his car.

On the way home, he kept glancing at me.

I tried to imagine life without Seth. I had already accepted not seeing him at school, but I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to not have him next door, to not have him come over everyday to hang out. He was my best friend and I don’t think I could stand to lose him.

“Please say something," He begged, breaking the silence.

“Like what?”

“Are you mad at me? 'Cause I’d rather have you yelling at me; it’s hard to see you like this.”

“No, I’m not mad at you, and no, I’m not going to yell at you.”

We pulled up quietly into my driveway and I immediately got out. I heard his door slam too and he followed me into the house.

“Shawnee, Is that you?” My mom called from the living room.

“Yeah,” I said, just loud enough for her to hear.

I jogged up the steps with Seth on my heels. I didn’t bother to shut the door behind me, because I knew he would. I sat down on the bed, and he sat down beside me.

“Shawnee….” he said cautiously.

Just then I felt the tears that had been forming spill over and run down my face.

“Don’t leave.” I heard my voice crack.

I didn’t hold it in anymore. I leaned into him and cried as he held me close.

The worst part is that he'll never know....

[Vorcla]

I really like this, Mickey. For a young writer, this is really fine, mature work. You have already established your own style. Your dialogue and descriptions are really well done. Your characters are real; they breathe with a life of their own. I like the way you established the relationship and history between Seth and Shawnee with a brief description of how they have made a tradition of going to the dance. NIcely done.

Please keep writing more. I hope this is the first of many...


Rick

[Hurricane]

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!This is awesome and I'm not just saying this by the way.Keep it up Mickey. The way you describe your characters are awesome. Don't be afriad to ask me if you need help writing more. And because I know you PLEASE don't start another story before you finish this. I want to know more.Did you base this off of real people?

E.C.

[Ambrose]

I never like romance, but I liked this. Like Vorcla said, your characters have such strong voices that it makes up for any lack of description. They're literally falling off the page. Excellent job!

I really want to keep reading about these two. I love how they go to a dance and just have fun despite their quizzical spectators. It's amazing how much back story this little glimpse manages to get across.

"I didn’t bother to shut the door behind me, because I knew he would."

Hmmmm, I'd leave off "because I knew he would." If she'd shut the door, he wouldn't have been able to come through, not readily at least. In any case, much less confusing without that.

Two thumbs up!

[ms_mae572]

That was amazing! I LOVED it!
Keep writing!!

[Razor]

Okay, nice to read you, looks like you're fairly new. Glad to see you putting up some pieces.

I have to agree with everyone else. This is well written and when I was done, it left me wanting more. A great sign that you have something here.

I enjoyed the focus on the relationship. The description in this piece is not a lot, and most of it directed at the relationship. (nothing wrong with that) While it won't hurt this piece to leave as is, adding a little more description as to body language and their interaction, in my opinion, would pull the reader into the heroine's shoes more.

I was doomed to be forever lusting after the one person who I shouldn’t

The "who" in this sentence I think can be taken out, and if left in, I think it should be whom. Also, instead of "I shouldn't" might consider something like: "I felt guilty for thinking of him this way." (You'd need to write in your words, but you get the idea)

Even fewer people people showed up at the dance.

People is repeated, and I think you meant to put "than last year" at the end of this sentence.

“I thought you were going to wait a year. So we could go together,” I said, my smile fading.

“I was. But my parents…”

“Oh," I said quietly. It was all I was able to come up with.

This is just nitpicking, (actually, just me wanting more, because I enjoyed the rest) I would love a little snippet at the end of this section of dialog telling us, how she feels, or maybe she's numb. Nothing long, just something to pull us into the moment with her.

Just like my comment above, I liked this story, its an enjoyable read, but I know you could make it hit harder, make us feel it more. We read this as an outside observer looking in, instead of inside looking out. Maybe that's what you want. Maybe all you want us to do is to read this; however, if you wanted to, with more internal thoughts, more description of her feelings, or the reasons for her actions, you could really suck the reader in. I just see that kind of potential in your writing.

I'll wrap it up, and I hope I haven't gone too far with any of my comments. I don't want to take away from this piece or make you any less proud of it. This is a strong piece of writing. A stirring story that was well written, flowed well, and read nicely. It pulled a few strings in my ticker. Well Done!