[Lilyfaery]

Synopsis: A young Irish woman meets a young English lord and beliefs clash when she tries to find out what happened to her family. It's a semi-historical story with some angst and romance eventually.

Author's Note: Hi everyone! This is my first story on this website and I hope people like it. In case anyone is wondering, the title is pronounced seer-sha rawg-ha (I think ). It means freedom of choice and it seems to fit with my story.


There came a loud shriek as I ran outside in a panic. My mother rushed towards me and wrapped her arms around me sobbing and wailing. She clung to me screaming, “Your brother’s dead, your brother’s dead.” That was the moment that my world crashed to my feet. I held my sobbing mother, in such shock that I could not cry. I looked at my younger sisters; Aisling ran toward us crying while Aoibhe simply walked away from us. Later that night I was sitting outside, trying to take in all that had happened. Aoibhe appeared next to me and told me that she was going away for a while to find our brother’s murderer. I begged her not to go because our family could not handle another member leaving, but she refused to listen to me. Aoibhe pulled out of my grasp and apologized and told me to tell mother and Aisling that she was going to go away for a while. I sadly agreed, for I knew that no matter what I or any of my family said, she would still leave us. Little did I know what little Aoibhe was planning.

It had been two years since I had last seen my family, two years since my younger brother had died. I can still see him standing in the doorway waving hello - his messy, curly brown hair and his mischievous blue eyes. He was the spitting image of our father, right down to his playful spirit. I missed Quinn’s smile and the way he made everyone laugh. We needed that right now. It was a sorrowful time, with mother and Aisling being ill, Aoibhe still missing, and the death of the Earl of Desmond. He was fighting for religious freedom for Catholics, which my family and I were. Three years ago, he started his second rebellion for our freedom, and just recently he was found and beheaded at the request of the virgin queen. No one believes that. Especially since she was very close to my master, the Earl of Ormonde. And that was where I was headed. Back to Kilkenny Castle, back to servitude to a man that I could never truly respect because of his beliefs and associations.

As I started my journey back to the castle, I thought back to my childhood. I was blessed, compared to most. I had a mother and father who loved me, an older sister who could not stand me for I was her exact opposite, a younger brother that I adored, and twin younger sisters that I love dearly. The first horrible memory that I had was when I was nine and my father had died. I idolized my father; he was like a god to my young mind. I remember him always being happy around us children. But it has been so long that my memories of him are fading. I can only remember his hair, the color of freshly tilled earth, and his eyes as blue as the ocean, always crinkled at the corners in a smile whenever he saw my siblings and me. I felt tears come to my eyes as I remember the father that I missed and mourned my brother whose life was cut short by some Protestant bastard. As I continued on my horse, it seemed that the three days would never end, that I would be left alone with my memories for all of eternity.

~~~

My eyes shot open and I realized two things at once: that I was screaming and that I was still on my horse. I calmed down quickly as the memories of my awful nightmare subsided. I had not even realized that I had fallen asleep. I heard galloping behind me, and I quickly pulled out my little dagger. I knew that it would not do much, but I did have the element of surprise on my side. The horse slowed down as it got closer, and just as I was going to spin around and plunge my dagger into the person’s side, a voice called out to me.

“M’lady, are you okay? I heard screaming coming from here and I wanted to make sure you were safe.” My mare finished turning around, and I came face to face with a young man. He was dressed like nobility, but he was a little worse for the wear from travelling. He had straight golden hair that was cut short, and his face was smooth with no hint of a beard. But the young man’s eyes were what I was drawn to. They were a pale grey with flecks of violet, and they practically glowed in the sunlight. I was mesmerized by his eyes; they were like nothing I had ever seen before.

“M’lady, are you okay?” The young man’s voice startled me and I jumped out of my trance caused by his eyes. “M’lady?” he asked again. Internally I scoffed at him because he was an Englishman.

I looked coldly into his eyes. “I thank you for your concern, but I must be going. If I tarry any longer I will be late and possibly be fired.” I turned my horse around, and she started to trot on, leaving the little lord behind us.

“M’lady perhaps you could answer a question for me before you leave. I have gotten myself turned around. I am supposed to be visiting the Earl of Ormonde, and I cannot find his castle. Kilkenny Castle is the name, I believe.”

I looked over my shoulder at the young man, and I indicated to the path to the right. “If you follow this path for three days, you should reach the town of Kilkenny. The castle is hard to miss from there.” I urged my horse to start moving again. I knew a shortcut and would make it to the castle in two days. I hoped that the young man would not stay long. I did not want to chance upon running into him while I was trying to do my job.

“Thank you m’lady. May God’s grace shine upon you.” He smiled and took the path that I had previously indicated. My horse then decided to move, and I continued on my way to the castle.

I arrived at the castle at dusk of the second day, just as I had thought. I rode over to the stable and slid off of my mare. “Thank you Aengus, for letting me borrow the mare. I appreciate it greatly.” He nodded and smiled at me but did not respond. Aengus was mute. I collected what little belongings I took home with me, and I walked up to the room that I shared with other female maids. I had just reached my room and put my items in the cupboard when my best friend and fellow maid Katie rushed in. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly.

“I have missed you. It was no fun here without you,” she complained while smiling. I looked down at her petite frame and smiled back.

“I have missed seeing your cheerful face every day. There is not much to be happy about back home.” Katie was absolutely beautiful with black, curly hair that was full and glossy. Her eyes were a beautiful shade of blue that looked like the sky on a clear day. She was slender but curvy in all of the right places, and her skin was like porcelain and as smooth as silk. She was the envy of all of the servant girls because of her looks, and Katie was often the victim of their jealousy. She was two years younger than me, the same age as my younger sisters, so perhaps that was the reason that I took her under my wing.

“Well Katie, I suppose we had better go to sleep.”

“Of course. You are always right,” she said, still smiling up at me. We changed into our nightgowns and hopped into bed as the other maids came in.

The next morning, the maids and I awoke before dawn. Lord Ormonde received notice that the lord that I had met while travelling was to be arriving today, and we had to get the castle clean from top to bottom - not an easy task. I got dressed quickly and washed my face. I hung up my best clothes, for we were ordered to wear them for the arrival of Lord William Pemberton III. I went to the kitchen to catch a little bit of breakfast in the form of cold, congealing porridge. It was absolutely disgusting, but the cook did not have time to provide anything better. I swallowed what I could of the meal and rushed to find the head maid, Mary Sedlow.

Mrs. Sedlow was the most sour-looking woman I had ever had the misfortune to come across. She seemed to be in her mid-forties and had silver hair pulled back into a severe bun. She had deep chocolate brown eyes that were always looking for ways to reprimand the other servants. Mrs. Sedlow came from England along with a few other servants, and they seemed to hate Ireland and everyone who inhabited it. I found Mrs. Sedlow, who was very unhappy with my leaving so she gave me the tedious task of polishing all of the mirrors. I went to my task and began polishing the first of many mirrors.

As I polished, I looked at my reflection. I embodied what outsiders thought of when they thought of the Irish; I had red curly hair and deep green eyes. I had fair skin that was a little ruddy, and I was plagued with freckles. My nose was too big, my lips were too thin, and I was not the slimmest girl around. I was the exact opposite of Katie, and if I tried hard, I could pass as plain at best. I polished the mirror thoroughly, and I continued on to the next mirror. Hours later, Mrs. Sedlow found me polishing the last mirror.

“What are you doing girl? Lord Pemberton will be here at any minute and you are still in your stained work clothes.” She glared at me and sent me to the servant’s quarters to change. I hurried to my room, not because of the lord, but because if I were late I would get a thrashing of a lifetime.

I reached my room and threw off my work clothes. I pulled out my best clothes and slipped into my pale yellow shirt, bright yellow underskirt, and my green overdress. I splashed my face with water to clean it, and I ran to the stairs. I took my place beside Katie, and I realized that Lord Pemberton was walking our way. I was trying to catch my breath, and my hair was frazzled around my head. I self-consciously tried to pull it back or braid it but to no avail. The lord started to walk by but caught my eye.

“M’lady how are you? Thank you for the directions, they were very useful.” He smiled and stopped in front of me. It was highly unusual, and it made me more than a little uncomfortable. I looked down at my feet and stayed silent, not knowing what to say. Lord Ormonde walked up and noticed Pemberton’s interest in me.

“Mrs. Sedlow, come here for a moment please,” Lord Ormonde called.

“Yes m’lord?” she asked nervously.

“Who is this young lady that Lord Pemberton is talking to?”

“That, sir, is Saoirse O’Connor. She is a maid and a good one at that.” She nodded my way and smiled slightly. I was stunned and completely missed what Lord Pemberton was saying to me.

“M’lady, are you alright?” Lord Pemberton questioned. “You look a little pale.” I still looked down, unsure if I was allowed to speak. Lord Ormonde walked over to his guest and stood by him.

“Please, girl, answer his question.” He smiled at me like a kindly, old uncle or family friend, and it took me aback. My heart was pounding, and I had trouble getting the words out.

“P-please sir, w-what was it that you wished to know?” I asked nervously, wringing my hands. Lord Pemberton smiled crookedly and repeated his question.

“What is your name m’lady?” I looked up at him through my lashes, not wanting to look directly at him.

“My name is Saoirse O’Connor, m’lord.” I took a deep breath and waited for the Englishman to laugh at my odd sounding name.

“Saoirse.” He let my name roll off of his tongue. “It is a very beautiful name. You are lucky to have such a unique name.” He gave me one last smile then turned to walk away. Lord Ormonde stopped him and whispered something into his ear that I could not hear. Lord Pemberton seemed to light up at Lord Ormonde’s suggestion.

“That would be a fine idea, but would it be improper?” the English lord questioned.

“I do not believe so. I enforce the highest standards of propriety here, and besides, she would not be with you alone,” Ormonde replied jovially. I glanced over at the two lords and wondered what they were talking about.

Lord Ormonde turned to me and sternly stated, “Girl, your new job from now until Lord Pemberton leaves is to show him around the castle and the town and help him with whatever he needs, as long as it is not inappropriate. If I find out that anything improper has occurred, then I will see to it that you will be flogged and your service will be terminated. Do you understand?”

I barely choked out a yes m’lord, I understand m’lord. I was furious but frightened at the same time. I was frightened of Lord Ormonde and his threats, but I was furious that I would have to be at the beck and call of this Englishman. One of those beasts that killed my dear brother and practically enslaved the Irish people. This was going to be hell on earth.

[Bluejay]

You have an excellent start here! You have introduced some interesting characters and situations that draw the reader in. And I'm impressed with your "voice."

I can only assume there is more to this. It's too short to be a single story (and there's no "arc"), but it's a fine beginning to a compelling story. Nicely done and... keep going.

[Vorcla]

I echo what Bluejay said. Very promising beginning. You have a clean style and a clear voice. Please keep writing and posting here. We need more people to write prose.

[RENA HANDS]

I applaud the title, it was most catching to these reading eyes.

Might I suggest you rewrite your synopsis (for me) it was too long and abrupt (vague).

In the moment of ‘grief,’ would one say...Your bother’s dead, your brother’s dead.’ I would think something like...Your brother’s dead, he’s dead. (Just something a bit more dramatic.)

The first paragraph (for me) is too simple. Where is the dramatics of emotion? Where’s the hysteria of a mourning, in shock mother?

I think also that your actions are rushed. And how old is this sister that she would go off and search for her brother’s murderer? And mom in her moment of frenzy...she did nothing to stop her daughter’s departure?

I think some of your sentences/ideas are too long. You should consider shortening them. Also consider combining a few actions into one, but more dramatically.

You are saying ‘years’ have passed, but where is the illustration of the time past?

Again, I think the ‘actions’ are rushed. Shouldn’t the title or label of Virgin Queen be capitalized?

So before your return to Kilkenny Castle, where was your character?

Consider centering the wavy lines that you are using to separate actions/scenes.

Where was your character before she awoke in the castle? You are jumping around too much.

Where your character has just awaken on a horse...why did you show her nearly falling off the beast as she is suddenly awake? You are lacking ‘action,’ where it is most required to your story.

I too have made this error, but you are using too many ‘I’s when it is not needed.

Your character was that close to the Englishman the she could detect the violet fleck in his eyes? When did this happen? You are too ‘jumpy!’

Why would she ‘scoff at an Englishman?’ Was it her lower status that made her so surprised that he would refer to her as ‘M’lady?’

RUSHED! RUSHED! RUSHED! For me this is exactly (for me) what your tale is. Not to say of course that this writing has no potential, ‘cause it does. I give a rating of 1/5.

[yume no hasu]

Totemo ii desu nee. I think this story is really a good start. Perhaps the dream sequence could be slightly longer. But other than that it's really nice and interesting. <3
And I honestly don't see the things the RENA HANDS is talking about. It is not rushed and it is just the beginning.
And abrupt and too long? How does that work? That makes no sense at all.

But keep it up my lovely lady!

[Razor]

First off, nice to read you. Glad to see a new face posting some stories. This caught my eye. What can I say I'm sucker for a good romance and I like history, and here you've combined the two.

Okay, I liked this. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with your writing, but it doesn't carry the reader like I'm sure you're hoping it does.

Here is what I think happened. YOU see it playing out beautifully in your head. However, we are getting bits and pieces, and our film is a bit hazy. We are missing some info that would do two things. Hook us as the reader, and allow us to sympathize with the characters.

Now, before I start, remember this is the opinion of one person, who, by no means, is a professional or expert in writing. I'll give you some advice from the little experience I have as a writer and some advice as a reader of this story.

I read the first paragraph and went... who are these characters, ages, what do they look like, and what are their personalities?

Now you don't have to answer all of those questions, especially in the first paragraph or even the second, but you have eight characters: Main, two sisters, one brother (dead), a mother and in the second paragraph a father and a Virgin Queen and a man to whom she serves.

Here is what I know about the seven other than the main character. Aoibhe is gone. Quinn, blue-eyed, good spirited brother, with curly brown hair is dead. The other sister is named Aisling, who is ill. Her mother is ill. Her father, whom I assume is Earl of Desmond, is presumably dead. The Virgin did it.(that's not a sentence you hear a lot) Her master is Earl of Ormonde who lives in a castle.


I am getting at that you know the background of these people. You know what they are like and so you feel for them. We as readers don't know anything about them… we can't sympathize with people we don't understand.

Cut out any characters at the start of this story that don't have to do with this chapter. You can simply say she hasn't seen her family since her brother was murdered. (Which you do in the second paragraph.) This would suffice to leave the reader wanting to know what happened to her family without going into a great deal of detail that doesn't have any impact on the story yet. Then as her family members, or her family history become important, you can work in these characters and revisit the past, and give details about them.

Another thing I had trouble with is the time line of this story. It seems to start at in her past, skip forward, skip backwards and then skip to the present, without any indication or warning.

When you do a time change, you need to make it apparent. A little setup goes a long ways. Something like: "Her mind wonders back to her childhood memories. There were good times, but the memory forever etched in her mind is that fateful day that shattered her world. It started with her mother's scream." Then you put in a break: ---- or #### and start with the scream.

This brings me to another suggestion; make the first paragraph, your third paragraph. If you are like me, you wanted to start with a bang, in the middle of some drama and suspense to hook the reader. However, like I said, I found it a little confusing because you were jumping around in time. She was with her family, then she wasn't, then she was, but really wasn't.


Start it with this paragraph:


It had been two years since I had last seen my family, two years since my younger brother…

Then, I would suggest to strength the wording within your writing.

There came a loud shriek as I ran outside in a panic. My mother rushed towards me and wrapped her arms around me sobbing and wailing. Need to make it more dramatic and agonizing.

“My mother’s unearthly shriek was like a banshee’s wail at the licking flames of the Devil’s nine tails, and it cut me to the bone. Outside I sprinted, thinking to find her dying at the hands of some horrible monstrosity. Instead I found her at the feet of a family friend, as he tried to hold her up from legs that would no longer support her. He finally lowered her to the ground as she wailed. When I reached her, she clung to me screaming…”

Then its little things like cutting out detail we don’t need to know about yet:

It was a sorrowful time, with mother and Aisling being ill, Aoibhe still missing, and the death of the Earl of Desmond. He was fighting for religious freedom for Catholics, which my family and I were. Three years ago, he started his second rebellion for our freedom, and just recently he was found and beheaded at the request of the virgin queen. No one believes that. Especially since she was very close to my master, the Earl of Ormonde. And that was where I was headed. Back to Kilkenny Castle, back to servitude to a man that I could never truly respect because of his beliefs and associations.

You are throwing out all these little facts about characters that, at this point, aren’t important. Make sure that when you introduce a new character that he/she is relevant to the immediate the story, and also that you are giving give enough detail to make them a person in the readers mind.

Here is an example of this rewritten, this is just a suggestion, if you don’t want to change any of it, then don’t:

As I started my journey back to the castle, I thought back to my childhood. I had been blessed with a mother and father, who had loved me, a younger brother and twin sisters, who I had adored, and even though my older sister and I had never been able to stand each other, I had still loved her.

My first horrible memory came at the age of 9 when my father had died. I had idolized my father; he had been like a god to my young mind. I remembered him always being happy around us children. But that was so long my memories of him have faded, still I clung the memory of his hair, the color of freshly tilled earth, and his eyes as blue as the ocean that had always crinkled at the corners in a smile whenever he had seen my siblings and me.

My next horrible memory was far worse. It was a memory forever etched in my mind. That fateful day shattered my world, and it started with my mother's scream."

My mother’s unearthly shriek was like a banshee’s wail at the licking flames of the Devil’s nine tails, and it cut me to the bone. Outside I sprinted, thinking to find her dying at the hands of some horrible monstrosity. Instead I found her at the feet of a family friend, as he tried to hold her up from legs that would no longer support her. He finally lowered her to the ground as she wailed.

When I reached her, she clung to me screaming, “Your brother’s dead, your brother’s dead.”

In that moment my world came crashing down around me. I held my sobbing mother, but I could not cry. I was in too much shock. I looked at my younger twin sisters; Aisling ran toward us crying, but Aoibhe simply watched from the doorway, a ghostly stare on her small face. Finally, she walked back inside; how I wish not that I had gone after her then.

That night I was sitting out on the footsteps of our house, still without a tear shed. I was trying to process it, to feel the sorrow I knew I should, but all I felt was emptiness. Aoibhe came out and sat down beside me. There was a bond between us, and it allowed us tell each other things that we couldn’t tell anyone else. That night she sat there looking out into the stars of the night and told me she was leaving. I was shocked, but in my numbed state I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Instead I just sat there, as she asked me to tell the rest that she had gone. Then, she stood up and walked back into the house, gathered her things and left.

I didn’t want to lose her too, but there was little I could do to stop her. She had made up her mind, and I wasn’t going to change it. At the time, I didn’t know what little Aoibhe, at the age of ??, was planning.

I felt tears come to my eyes as I remembered the father that I missed and mourned my brother whose life was cut short by some Protestant bastard. As I continued on my horse, my lord’s castle, it seemed that the three days ride would never end, and that I would be left alone with my memories for all of eternity.

This is a good story, and I enjoyed it. Make it more, iron out the rough spots, add in some gritty description and really pull the reader in.

Good Luck, thanks for the read.

[ea_blue]

An enjoyable read! I don't usually read anything from the Romance section but I was drawn into this one somehow. You have good pacing in this. Your MC (Main Character) is a likable sort who's lived through some tragedy and all that gets me wanting to see good things happen to her. It's a good thing to get a reader feeling that way.

I enjoy your descriptions of the people. I can picture them clearly in my mind. You focus in on what their eyes look like and personally, I like that.

I would suggest that when Saoirse first meets Lord William on horseback, build up her dislike of the English (and thus, him) a little more. Make sure that conflict is firmly cemented in the reader's mind. You actually do this a bit towards the end of this part. I think it needs a touch more. Building a strong conflict early on will make it unlikely/impossible that they will ever become lovers. That way, when they do, the romance will have the feel of love 'overcoming all'.

Just as Razor says, anything written in a critique is only an opinion based upon that reader's personal tastes and experience. Don't feel you are required to change anything and never take any negative critiques too hard.

Some critiques are highly informative, and Razor has given you a shining example of a quality critique. He has some good ideas that are worth thinking about.

Thanks so much for sharing, and definitely keep going! You've got a great start.

[Lilyfaery]

Thanks for all of your comments everyone. I am really grateful for your constructive comments and I will really take everything into consideration. There were some really great ideas that I didn't think about and that would make my story so much better. Thanks!!!