[Jer4Clarity]

This is a contest submission where the story had to begin with "Hell found me". Thurston Well is the inventor of the Well's Traveler Chamber. He lost most of the Traveler Beta team and is now faced with the Beta team's only survivor, John, vanishing off the tracking system's control panels.


"Hell found me." John's desperate words over the control room speakers startled everyone. The transmission had been lost and only the eerie cries of misplaced electrons crowded their ears and their hearts. Everything had been going so well and then this. The Time Travelers stared at each other in disbelief. The lights flickered but nothing changed. What could have happened?

Thurston Wells surveyed the blank stares and dropped jaws of his elite cadre. Each of the five Travelers had proven themselves worthy of the Time Chamber's complexities. Each was the top of their class, in the company's recent simulation exercises.

"What happened, Daniel? Get John back, right now! Now damn it!" Daniel looked at every icon on his panel. Nothing was out of order. Everything looked perfect. Daniel's words trembled out of his mouth, "Everything looks fine. He...he just disappeared. Vanished! Right off the tracking system, sir." Thurston's mind was racing through every scenario the Wells Traveler Computer system had predicted. What just occurred was outside of any conceivable problem. The one thing they all knew was that if they ever lost someone in travel they only had 10 minutes to track them down and bring them back or the Time Link would be broken.

Nellie Armstrong had been given the task of Search & Rescue at Wells Traveler for any situation. She was responsible for the only survivor from Thurston's Beta Travelers, his first project that ended in the tragedy when five of his first six Travelers were lost. Nellie was behind the S & R panel for the Beta Travelers and remained calm even during the Time Chamber's disintegration. John was the only survivor and that was only because Nellie switched his Personal Chronos Indicator a millisecond, an instant, before the Time Chambers malfunction. It happen so fast she couldn't get to the others. Thurston knew he could count on her cool reserve.

The Traveler's Time System didn't even recognize that John had disappeared but Nellie had immediately time stamped the S&R panel with John's last words: 2120:A:12:18:47:07. A minute had already passed and what just transpired wasn't anywhere in the S&R manual. Nellie's heart was pounding wildly as she retraced the last 15 minutes of John's travel in her thoughts. She was stumped.

She recalled how he had broken through the thin veil of the fourth dimension without any complications, all his vitals were good and his molecular structure had maintained its integrity. They had been communicating back and forth about his experiences once he broke through. John said he could see his body but had no sense of touch. He sounded ecstatic as he detailed how his entire being felt soothed with warmth. The many minutes that followed were full of descriptions that were difficult for John to explain and for the team to understand. It was all recorded. Nellie caught herself drifting from the dilemma she was facing. She pushed the hi-speed replay icon and transferred the recording to the public setting. Everyone was listening to the rushed dialog of the past quarter hour. As a Time Traveler you were trained to overcome anxiety but this had pushed them all over the edge.

The voices were indistinguishable, almost rumbling over the control room speakers. Thurston burst out, "There, stop it there, Nellie". Nellie noted the digital counters number and quickly began the playback, this time in normal mode. "I could never dream of such a beautiful light like the one that I'm floating in", John's voice seemed confident yet intrigued. "I don't think I will ever want to leave this light" there was a pause and when John's voice came back in he said, "but I know the Time Travelers Mission is more important....what's my time and location?" It seemed that John struggled with bringing himself back to the Well's Traveler task at hand. "That's it....play it over Nellie. Start just before the pause where John says something about not wanting to leave the light." Nellie had watched the digital counter and knew right were to start it back up. "Take out any white noise with the filter and turn the volume up" There was tension in Thurston's command.

Every ear strained toward the speakers as they all stood frozen and silent. "I don't think I will ever want to leave this light". It sounded more like a response this time. It had a faint but luring pitch that quickly faded out and then returned. Thurston thought he heard a voice. "Replay that again, Nellie, only this time start just before John speaks. Amplify that pitch and slow it down." Nellie's fingers found all the necessary icons and the room was filled with an ever so dim but enchanting voice. Everything should have been slower and more deliberate. But this captivating voice was not affected by the measured playback. It was more like an angelic song. "Come to the light! I am beautiful! Come to the light!" and then John's reply, "I don't think I will ever want to leave this light". "Follow me, Follow me," the voice sang as it faded, then returned "I am the Time Traveler's Mission". Thurston looked around him. Every Time Traveler seemed to be in a hypnotic state. "SNAP OUT OF IT!" Thurston shouted. Nellie's reaction was to push the pause button. She too had been drawn into the promise of fulfilling the Time Travelers Mission. The room fell silent. Thurston knew deep inside that John's disappearance had everything to do with this encounter.

White noise began to spill out of the control room speakers. The air in the room seemed to become lighter as a faint pitch faded and returned, faded and returned. Both Daniel and Nellie looked down at the icons on their panels. The speakers were not on. They were no longer in control. Thurston felt a lump grow in his throat. The static grew louder. The pitch turned into angelic voices. Nellie looked down at the time stamp on her panel. It was blinking. 2120:A:12:18:47:07. She looked at her Personal Chronos Indicator. The time stamp was the same. Not one second has transpired since John spoke the words, "Hell found me."

Thurston noticed Nellie's frantic expression. "What the hell is going on here?" he spurted. The lights flickered again until the brilliance enveloped the entire room. The white noise and the voices stopped.

The control room had vanished...Thurston, Daniel, Nellie and the Time Travelers, where now all floating in the light. They had somehow pieced the fourth dimension, together. There were no icons to push or control panels to manipulate their environment. They were caught in the light. For a moment they all felt soothing warmth, but it soon turned to heat and the sensation of sulfur burning through their bodies. The voices were less angelic as they grew to a deafening crescendo. Nellie recognized Thurston in front of her. She reached out to grab him but her hand just fell through his arm. She couldn't hold on to him. She tried to call him but the shrill of the voices drowned her words. In front of them John appeared as an immense silhouette against the now reddening blaze.

John vanished again with the entire Well's Time Travelers cadre rushing to the same fate.

John saw his friends coming towards the darkness he was now in. He wanted to help them escape this madness. He now knew he had been fooled by the warmth he felt and the light. It all seemed so good, so right. He was frozen but on fire, spiraling into obscurity. The sounds of wailing and gnashing teeth were driving a spiked pain deep into his eardrums, but he could see no one, sense no one. He was alone. He could take the screeching of other tormented souls no longer, he joined the cacophony with his own wailing.

The Texas monsoon storm caused the lights to flicker again. Thurston Wells heard his son Johnny scream. He ran down the hallway and burst through his bedroom door. Johnny was sitting up in his bed, trembling, tears rolling down from his eyes. "Daddy, Daddy...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Daddy! It was just like you said, Daddy...I...I should have never played in the Time Chamber when you were gone. Daddy, hold me Daddy....Hell found me."

[Venomous Vixen]

Jerry,

I absolutely loved this piece! I have not read anything in this genre in years and it was nice to be brought back to it The end especially was incredible.

I must say you catured the mystery and suspense quite well, as my reading sped up to quickly figure out what was next!!

Great work

(oh yes, and the minor changes were perfect!)

[Jon%]

Based on VV's response, I feel like I must be missing something significant because technically speaking, this is a pretty poor attempt IMO. The story is chaotic, there is a lot of jargon that feels like filler and is never properly explained, and what happens to the time travelers doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. The ending also has me confused, is it an "and then he woke up" ending or is there something more significant (time travel related) happening there?

[Jer4Clarity]

Johnny Tall,

After reading some of your writing and noticing your style and flair for words, I know that your have the intellectual capacity to review the work of others. I will only say that I cannot comment on your response at this time. While this is the first time I have posted a story here and the first time I have written a "short-story" in over twenty years, this is not the only or first place where this writing has been posted and/or reviewed. Since there have been comments made contrary to yours with substantive support and detailed inference, I shall rest in the fact that we all have our likes, dislikes, taste, opinions, etc. And that you are obviously not my target audience. And therefore, I will not explain or defend what has been written.

I am thankful that you did visit this writing and appreciate your time.

Jerry

[WingcommanderIV]

Johnny dude, you don't get it. The kid was totally playing a scary video game, when he wasn't supposed to, and then that night he dreamed about the game, which is where the story begins. I thought it was neat. Not somethign surprisingly special, but pretty etertaining read none the less.

[Jer4Clarity]

Wingcommander,

thank you for visiting The time Traveler's Chamber. And for rating the various aspects it. This gives me an idea for the future on area that need improvement. As I was writing this, I would sense that more detail or description could be given to various aspects as well as characterization. Actually, since it has been a while since I written a "Story" (I generally write poetry using the more compact styles) I struggled with adding information in places because I wanted to keep the tempo or pace that I felt had been set. I will look at the points you have made and see what might be changed. Thank you!

Jerry

[WingcommanderIV]

Thats a really good point that I struggle with too. I write a lot of scripts, and so when I'm writing short stories, like my Aldonn Chronicles (Shameless plug), I often struggle with how much I want to describe, and how much I should leave to the readers imagination A) because imagining stuff is fun and B) because as you said, it's important to keep a tempo and rythem to your story. That's something writers like Stephen King and JRR Tolkien never seemed to comprehend. They wrote these big epics, and all, but they're always pressing pause on their stories to spend a whole page sometimes for sometimes unnecessary description. Really alienates me from their work, it's the balance that you need to find, and sometimes just figuring out how to bring your point across succinctly is half the battle.

Also, don't worry yourself with my rating too much. FOr instance, yes I rated your characterization a 3 (Which for me means average) because it is a dream, and your story isn't really about characters. You know, all stories are about somethign, and are focused on something, and that something may be stronger than another stories something.

[jason]

Nice. I liked the ending. It's great to read more science fiction entries on this site.

[Merrywinds]

Great, especially the ending(although I guess it has been said). Hard to find anything to improve, although....

I think you could have gotten more "voice" into this story; it is somehow... Well, flat isn't the right word, but something like it. It's also quite short. On the other hand, that's good; some stories are better short; but on the other hand, it's easier to get more voice and characterisation into a long story.

Just a few ideas, but a wonderful story anywayas! Keep it up!

[automan]

I loved it. I think it could be longer with a bit more character development, but that is a personal choice. A few more lines to give a bit more insight into the characters would pull me, personally, into them a bit more. In that way, when the go to 'Hell' it would create more of a terror and tension that would be released in the final paragraph.

Like I said before, I loved this piece. If you did not change a thing, I would still love it.

Great job.

Otto

[Jer4Clarity]

I want to thank each of you for reviewing my work here..I've been going through a personal financial crisis and haven't been on many of the sites I post on for a while. Thank you for you time and thoughtful comments!

Jer4Clarity