[Zoidberg]

Author's Note: This story will have chapters and I DO intend on writing them all. If you don't see one of my chapters for a while, PM me to get me back on task!

Eric watched as a jet of fire burst out from the back of the rocket pod mounted on the Kythorin Mech’s hull, sending a missile right towards Eric. The brown-haired 26 year-old quickly attempted to target the missile with the Targeting Console of his own Mech, but it was offline. In this situation, he would have told his co-pilot, Jason, to manually target the incoming projectile, but he was dead.

The cockpit Jason was in had exploded from an RPG missile fired by an infantry unit, who was then quickly dispatched by Eric, using his Mech’s minigun. Because of the damage, the Sensor Array and all Communication Consoles had been destroyed, along with the Targeting Console and several weapons, such as the rocket pod and the EMP emitter. Luckily, the lower parts of the EMFV-11 were intact, including steering, the minigun, and of course, Eric.

Eric placed his left hand on the sleek metallic surface of the Override Console and slid it backwards, revealing the LCD underneath. He tapped the screen several times to activate the Override Console’s manual targeting system, whilst keeping an eye on the incoming missile visual screen.

Once the code was in, there was an audible hissing sound as the controls emerged from the front of the cockpit. A crosshair appeared on the visual screen in front of him. He moved the analog stick until the green crosshair was positioned on top of the missile. The crosshair turned red and the Targeting System started to beep. Eric noticed the missile’s distance decreasing. 100 feet, 80 feet, 60 feet…

Eric slammed down the red button beside the analog stick, beads of sweat dripping from his face. He watched as bullets flew out of the minigun below his cockpit and beat like hail against the incoming missile. It exploded only 35 feet away from his Mech, and Eric watched as bits of shrapnel crashed against the hull.

Eric wiped a few beads of sweat from his forehead, but his relief was short-lived. The enemy Mech began to pelt his Mech with lead. He attempted to fire back, but nothing happened. A message on his screen flashed in front of him: AMMO DEPLETED.

“Come on!” Eric shouted, banging his fist on the console controls.

Eric quickly regained his composure and began to steer his Mech backwards, still facing the mechanical terror in front of him.

All of a sudden, the bullets stopped coming. Eric realized what had happened. The minigun overheated. Either that or it was out of bullets, which was highly unlikely, because Kythorin Mecha are known to be packed to the brim with ammunition. Either way, this was his chance. Eric slapped his hand down on the Open button, and the reinforced cockpit of his Mech opened.

Eric stepped out of the Mech cautiously. There were still no bullets firing, but he could hear the Kythorin Mech approaching him as he climbed to the top where the secondary cockpit was. He looked for the EMP emitter, peering through holes in the Mech’s hull. Finally, he found it.

The EMP emitter’s core sat in a part of the mech’s hull, sparking occasionally. It remained intact for the most part, but severed wires made use of the EMP emitter impossible.

Eric looked over his shoulder. The Kythorin Mech was incredibly close now, only about 50 feet away. It was definitely out of ammo; otherwise Eric would have been blown to pieces by now.

Eric watched as a compartment on the front of the enemy Mech’s hull opened, and from it emerged a large mechanical arm. On its end was a claw. It was probably originally intended to sift through pieces of rubble or shrapnel, but now its purpose was to crush Eric's body.

Quickly, Eric pulled a grenade out of his back pocket. He pulled the pick out of it and shoved it into the compartment of his Mech where the EMP emitter core was. As the mechanical arm extended outward to execute him, Eric jumped off the body of the Mech and onto the ground. He rolled back onto his feet, and broke into a sprint, heading away from the vehicles.

Behind him, the grenade exploded, sending out an electro-magnetic shockwave over the savannah of Kythorin III. Eric watched as the two bipedal killing machines powered down and collapsed, sending dirt and dust flying into the air.

Eric ran back over to the deactivated Mecha. He peered through the cockpit shielding Kythorin Mech. Inside, an unconscious Kythorin soldier sat, slumped over in his seat. Eric tried to get the cockpit open, but it was no use. Then, remembered something. He ran over to his Mech and looked inside the cockpit.

On the floor, in a small black box, was a Trotta Cutter. Named for the element that was used to power it, Trottonium, a Trotta Cutter could be used to slice through any material, even the reinforced cockpit shield of a Kythorin Mech. In fact, Kythorin Mecha cockpit shields are reinforced with Trottonium.

Eric pulled the device out of the box and flipped a switch, causing a small bolt of light to shoot between the two tips of the gadget. The Cutter hummed as Eric went to work on the cockpit.

Eric had to be careful when using the Trotta Cutter. One slip and he could cut his hand clean off. He cautiously guided the blade of light through the cockpit. When he was finished, he turned off the device and carefully removed the square piece of shielding. Hopefully, all Communications were working.

Eric grabbed the Kythorin pilot by the shoulders and dragged him out of the cockpit. His smooth, scaly skin was ice cold. The black helmet he wore hid the third eye on his forehead. Once the Kythorin was removed from his cockpit, Eric could go to work. He found the Communications Array console and activated it.

Thankfully for Eric, all Kythorin Secondary System Consoles (communications, life support, databases,) run on Black Fission Energy, which allows them to be unaffected by EMPs. Also, since Kythorin and Omega are galactic neighbors, they use the same Communications Coding.

Eric typed in a few digits into the Communications Input Console, then he grabbed the microphone and said, “Come in, Gamma Fleet, this is Pilot Eric Heart, do you read? Come in, Gamma Fleet.”

A voice came over on the cockpit intercom, “Come in, Eric Heart, why are you transmitting on Kythorin frequencies?”

“My Mech’s Communications Array was destroyed and I took out a Kythorin Mech to use the Console. Now I need to get out of here. My coordinates are,” Eric looked over at the data display in the corner, “104.89 and 32.6791. Your going to need a couple Heavy Transport ships for these Mecha, too.”

“Roger that, we have the coordinates and we are sending a few ships your way.” The intercom’s voice was more casual now, “They should be there in a minute or two.”

“Thanks,”

“No problem.”


* * *

Soon, the triangular shadow of the Gamma Fleet Transport Airship came into view from above the thick overcast of Kythorin III. As it neared the planet’s surface, the two more box-like shadows of Heavy Transport Airships came into view.

The landing feet of the Transport Ship opened as it landed, along with a door on the side. From the door a large metal ramp extended and touched the ground. Eric walked up the ramp and into the ship without a word to the guards onboard. He made his way to the cockpit and watched as two long mechanical arms extended down from the Heavy Transport ships and grappled the sides of each Mech.

All the ships flew away, leaving no evidence of any fight, other than some bits of shrapnel and an unconscious Kythorin pilot.

The flight to the main Cruiser of the Gamma fleet wasn’t long, because the ship floated just above the atmosphere of the massive planet. The ship was a standard Omega cruiser, the back was large and bulky to support the massive engines, and as you neared the bow of the ship is became thinner and more streamlined. The symbol for Gamma, Г, was, marked on the side. When they neared the ship, they entered through the top entry hatch, carefully lowering down into the hangar of the Gamma fleet Cruiser.

Once the hangar was pressurized, Eric and the few guards and pilots on board the ships stepped out. Engineers and other Gamma fleet workers emerged from bulky iron doors on the sides of the hangar and resumed their work.

One mechanic, named Jason, slowly walked over to the two Mecha, mouth agape. His spiky hair seemed to perk up with his expression of astonishment, then droop down when he was sad.

“What the heck did you do to this thing, Eric? What, did you take it for a stroll through a mine field or something?” Jason ran over to the demolished shell of the mech and his voice grew angrier. “I see that the Communications Array is gone,” he said, looking up at the disfigured top of the mech. He climbed up the mech and peered into the compartment that once held the EMP emitter core. “What happened in here?” he exclaimed. The sarcasm he used was also increasing. “Did you sell the emitter at a Kythorin garage sale?”

“I just had a little run in with a Kythorin mech. No big deal,” Eric said coolly.

“No big deal? What are you smokin’?” Then, Jason took a look inside what used to be the co-pilot’s cockpit. He forced the cockpit open with his wrench. He took out the head of the android Jason and placed in against his own, cheek-to-cheek. “Oh, my beautiful, beautiful android,” he said, almost bursting into tears. The head of Jason’s mirror image had an expression as though it died in mid yawn, eyes closed, mouth open.

“Sleep tight, old friend,” he said and carefully placed the head of the android back into the cockpit. His attitude completely changed. “So, how do you want to be executed?” he asked jokingly.

“What are you talking about?” Eric asked.

“Well, you blew the EMP core to kingdom come.”

“If I didn’t I would’ve died!”

“Are you retarded?” Jason asked. His expression was almost like an old tortoise’s. His neck was stretched all the way out, his head was turned to one side, exposing his ear to Eric’s face, and his eyes were squinted almost completely shut. “That EMP emitter core was worth more than the lives of everyone in this hangar!” He said while raising his hands up in the air.

“You’re joking.”

“No, not really. If Omega had the choice between another one of those cores and us being saved from being blown to bits by some asteroid, they’d probably choose the core.”

“Now I know you're joking. What’s so important about that core?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe the fact that a single blast from it could wipe out an army of Mecha in a couple seconds?”

“Then why would Omega send that Mech to do reconnaissance work?”

“Well, they didn’t know what to expect. There could have been a whole base down there. Also, it probably could have been someone from Iota fleet’s idea.” They both laughed. Iota fleet was the most ridiculed fleet in the entire Omega Armada, after an Iota Cruiser was hijacked by a small group of Kythorin soldiers while it was docked at a space station.

“Well, do you think you can get this back together?”

“Maybe, if you’re not dead. But since you brought back that other Mech you might be saved, because then we can study its capabilities.”

A voice came over the ship’s intercom. The voice was very deep, and the commander spoke slowly, “Attention all personnel, we have been assigned a new mission by Omega Headquarters. We are heading to Kythorin IV to aid Sigma fleet in taking a Kythorin military base. Everyone be prepared because we are most likely going to see some resistance.”

Everyone in the hangar cheered. It had been months since they had seen any action other than on small reconnaissance missions. Jason looked over at Eric and smiled, “I guess you better rest up, then.”

The ship’s engines began to roar as the cruiser made its course to Kythorin IV.

[Zoidberg]

Wow! This made it to advanced? Awesome!

[RENA HANDS]

Sorry, I just lost interest in this…

Eric watched as a jet of stream burst out from the back of the rocket pod mounted on the Kythorin mech’s hull,

(The details seem lacking, but this is just me.)

What about…

Spews of black smoke gushed forth from the dying Kythorin mech’s hull

(What was it originally penetrated by?)

The actions are being told but in a dull matter. Show me more about this dead co-pilot how his dripping, splattering blood smears against the consoles. Show Eric sweating, swearing about his dire situation.

He tapped the screen several times to activate the…

What about…

He pounded at (or against the dying console) his eyes frantically holding to

(What was on the visual screen?) ?

I just want to see more, many apologies.

What is this ‘enemy mech?’ are we going to see more of them in future chapters?

Eric, he and his mech still under fire, began to walk backwards, away from the swarm of bullets.

How does the dead walk? Is Eric carrying, dragging his co-pilot?

What is this

mech?

Did you intend ‘mechs?’…

because Kythorin mechs( originally ending with ‘a’)?

Asking again what is ‘mech’ or ‘Mech?’ and if its ‘Mech,’ then you should capitalize it throughout the write.

This story reads or shares many similarities of Titan A.E. with Matt Damon, also it reminds me of Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within with Alec Baldwin. Was this your inspiration?
You’re joking(,) Possibly a period missing?

Just more visual details would be most appropriate for such a science fictional epic.

[Alex]

I like the idea of this story. The only thing I find aggravating is that you dont know how the EMP got destroyed. Overall it is good and I am very interested in seeing another installment. What will happen during their aiding? I'm curious.

[Zoidberg]

RENA, I guess there are a couple of things I should clear up. I will fix a few mistakes and change a couple things so this will be easier to read.

In the beginning, the Kythorin mech's steam (which I will change) is the releasing of the rocket from the pod, thus sending the missile towards Eric. The Kythorin Mech is the enemy mech mentioned later.

I did not mention the co-pilot's bloody body because since, as later revealed, he is an android and has no blood. I tried to make it sort of different, making you expect him to be a person when in fact he is a human-disguised robot.

The Visual screen I will fix.

When I said,

Eric, he and his mech still under fire, began to walk backwards, away from the swarm of bullets.

I meant that he is still in his mech and is steering the mech backwards away from the Kythorin (enemy) mech.

I will capatilize mech. Mecha is the plural form of mech (or so I've been told).

I have never heard of either Titan A.E. or the Final Fantasy thing.

Thank's for the review!

Alex, the EMP was destroyed when Eric placed is grenade next to the core. I will make that more clear.

Thanks for the comments!

[Razor]

The hardest part about writing action in any story is keeping it fast pace and hard hitting. The reader wants to speed through it, so as a writer the keep it to the bare minimum concerning details.

This is an interesting premise and I like where the story is headed, but I had trouble staying focused on the story. My mind kept wondering.

One example is the first five paragraphs. A rocket is fired in the first sentence. It doesn't hit for another four paragraphs where it is destroyed right before impact. I realize action in a movie and action in a story take longer, but I think five paragraphs are too long. If possible I would suggest combining the five into like two tops.

First, and this is just a suggestion. I love when a story starts with some action. It gets me going rather than sit through a character introduction and scenery setup. However, maybe start with the RPG that hits Eric's mech. After the infantry has been dealt with, there can be a lull, where you give some background.

Like where Eric is and why he is there. You can work in other stuff like the "Kythorin and Omega are galactic neighbors" bit. (waiting until he needs the communication pod seems a little “convenient.”) You can play it up. Say they use to work together furthering each other's technology, but the Kythorin decided one day they no longer needed the Omega and hence to eradicate them off the face of galaxy, or political intrigue. (Or make it something else entirely like the daughter of the Kythorin Prime Emperor went off with an Omega Corporal or something like that) Whatever you want. Then, once you've worked that in, have this other mech come in, while Eric is still busy assessing damages.

My main advice, read your action, and ask how you can say the same thing with fewer words and if at all possible less sentences. See if you can combine sentences and streamline anything that isn't needed. Like some things the reader is going to know.

The brown-haired 26 year-old quickly attempted to target the missile with the Targeting Console of his own Mech, but it was offline

We know he is doing this quickly. He has a missile coming at him. "brown-haird 26 year-old" is too long in an action scene. Use that later when time isn't of the essence. "of his own Mech" isn't needed. We realize it's from Eric point of view. A better word then "attempted" would have more impact and carry the action better. (His hands fly over the mech's switchboard bringing up the Targeting Console, flashing OFFLINE.)

I rewrote those five sentences. This is just an example:

The radar lock and missile launch warnings fill Eric's mech haul propelling him into action. He wrenches back on his Navigation Drive, while activating the Targeting Console only to have red letters flash "OFFLINE!" He slams the console out of his way in disgust yanking on the Override cabinet until it gives way to a LCD. A warning that the missile has closed within 1000 yards blares in the background.

He taps the Manual Targeting section and then slams on it until it finally activates. The cross hair appears on the MT Display. 600 yards, 500, 400, 300, 200, Eric lets loose a thick stream of hot lead at the approaching doom. The two connect and a spectacle of fiery shrapnel blanket's his mech.

I left out some things and I'm sure there were certain descriptions you wanted left in there. Fine, but remember action is usually rough, hard hitting and concise. No flowery words and extra lacing.

Words like "quickly pulled" can be replaced with yanked, wrenched, tugged, jerked. Use descriptive and powerful verbs to get the point across that this is intense. Using a thesaurus isn't bad, just make sure you know the word you use.

Two more areas I’d like to point out. Sorry I know I’m getting on your nerves.

The part about him crawling out of his haul and into his partners. You say, cautiously. To me, he would be scrambling like a mad man to get to the emp, since the other mech might not be out of ammo and the mini gun could cool off any second. True, he might fall if he isn’t careful, but that won’t kill him immediate, getting pelted by a mini gun or squashed would.

The other part is about the torch used to cut open the other mech. I wouldn’t worry about telling the reader he has to be careful not to cut off his hand. We figure that much. Also, when I was reading it, I was egging him on to get into the mech, because I was wondering if there were other enemies out there in the bush ready to pounce.

This is pretty long. It's all good, but my attention span had a hard time keeping on task. Breaking up the next chapters will help get more readers and comments.

The story is good. The writing is fine, just needs to be a little stronger and streamlined. Good job, and I’ll be waiting to see the next chapter.

[Zoidberg]

That was pretty long! I'll get to that stuff soon. Thanks for the comment.

[ea_blue]

Well, I certainly enjoyed this. I just love stories about Mecha! I can easily picture the battle in my mind.

I would have to agree with most of what Razor said, although I would ask for a little moredescription. This would have to be worked into the action to avoid slowing things down too much as Razor points out.

There's a few additional things I would point out:

exploded from an RPG missile

This sounds a little odd because an RPG is not a missile; it's a Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) and not "guided" by any system like a real missile.

You point out - early on in the story - that the Mech's Targeting System was offline and Eric had to activate the "Manual" targeting. But while he was using the manual system the crosshair turned red (signifying a "lock" perhaps) and the Targeting system began to beep. I would assume this audio tone also signifies a "lock". If the Targeting system were offline, it could not achieve a "lock", correct? Don't rob your character of glory. Hitting a missile on manual is much, much harder than using a system that "tells" him when he's got it aimed right.

...Eric pulled a grenade out of his back pocket. He pulled the pick out of it

I think you mean "pin" here.

...the grenade exploded, sending out an electro-magnetic shockwave...

I didn't like this. It always drives me nuts how people and hollywood assume that an electronic device will perform what it's designed for when the device is shot or exploded. An EMP device (they actually exist today) is NOT an unstable bomb. It requires very specific actions to work at all. Blowing one up with a grenade would do nothing more than cause parts to fly away.

...He peered through the cockpit shielding Kythorin Mech...

"of the" Kythorin Mech perhaps?

...and as you neared the bow of the ship is became thinner...

A bit rough. Perhaps change to "...near the bow of the ship it becomes thinner..."
Or something like that.

Okies - Hope you don't feel like you're being picked on. I enjoyed this one. It has lots of promise. I look forward to seeing more combat in the coming chapters.

Cheers!

[Zoidberg]

Thanks a ton, ea.

About the EMP explosion, I read somewhere (I forgot where,) that when any electronic device explodes, it sends out a small EMP pulse. I just figured that since this electronic device was specifically designed to send out EMP pulses regularly, that it would do the same when exploding.

Or I could just be a butthole and reason that in this world, this sort of high-powered EMP emitter is designed to send out an EMP pulse when destroyed, as a sort of self-destruction defense mechanism.

Thanks for the comment and I will get to fixing it when I can.

Thanks!

[Timmay]

well, that was interesting to say the least. i enjoyed the first part; the description was good, and it made you feel like you were there. I was impressed, because, honestly, I don't really like those anime-esque sci-fi stories, but this one actually captured me.
So, the first half was good, but the second half seemed too...out of place? It doesn't sound right, but the second half didn't serve much purpose other than exposing the potential for chapter two. Additionally, the talk between eric and jason seems extremely scripted. While it's not really an easy thing to fix, it would be nice to see a less formulated dialogue between characters.

Otherwise, this was well written and captivating. well done

[Timmay]

well, that was interesting to say the least. i enjoyed the first part; the description was good, and it made you feel like you were there. I was impressed, because, honestly, I don't really like those anime-esque sci-fi stories, but this one actually captured me.
So, the first half was good, but the second half seemed too...out of place? It doesn't sound right, but the second half didn't serve much purpose other than exposing the potential for chapter two. Additionally, the talk between eric and jason seems extremely scripted. While it's not really an easy thing to fix, it would be nice to see a less formulated dialogue between characters.

Otherwise, this was well written and captivating. well done

[Zoidberg]

Hey, thanks Timmay. Glad you liked the first part.

The bad thing about my writing is I can get a good first idea out and then flop towards the end.

P.S. What's with the two posts?

[Timmay]

eh, sry. my connection sucks ass, so it probably doubled it or something stupid.

sorry about that. Again, good job on the story

[Merrywinds]

This reminds me somewhat of Armored Core and friends. A good story with enough background and action to keep it going. Some parts, especially the one about the rocket in the beginning were a bit too long, as someone mentioned. I couldn't however, get a good look on the Mecha's, which, I suppose, are a big part of the story. They relied strongly on the reader's imagination. However...

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